BPD husband trying to get custody

[momtara]

Hi all. Well, my BPD husband has never helped with the kids at all. He would sleep late every weekend morning and then yell at me if the kids were up early making noise, so I always had to play quietly with them in a back room, sometimes for hours until he woke up.  Sometimes he'd be in a great mood and play with them, sometimes not.  I am out of the situation now, they live with me, and he has them for one overnight a week during the separation, which he agreed to.

But now for our divorce he has filed for 50/50 custody.  He has not even taken them every weekend.  I have tried to keep a journal and such, but it's still hard to prove.  His emails and texts can be hard to interpret.  He may lie and say he takes them all the time, but he does not.

It seems the way of the courts, at least in my state, is to be fair to dads because they didn't used to be.  I understand that - for dads WHO ACTUALLY ARE INVOLVED.  I know he loves the kids but he would do anything to get out of helping with them or taking real responsibility.  And he has had cycles of verbal abuse toward me, if not toward them (yet).

I am in a good position because they are living with me and I am the only one who takes them to day care (they are very young), the doctor, etc.  But he lies without a beat.  :)ay care workers are not gonna go to court and testify.

I am wondering:  a)  If I try to get primary custody, and he just wants to share residential custody, will I look like the bad guy for being the one unwilling to compromise?  I'll make sure he has visitation, but it seems like I should be the primary caretaker.  What explanation can I give for not wanting him to split everything 50/50?  I feel the kids are in a calmer situation when they are with me, but I can't prove that.

 

b)  Is the stuff we read about dads getting 50/50 custody really accurate? Especially in certain 'progressive' states?  Again, I have no problem with it when the dad is actually involved and not just trying to use it as a bargaining tool.  (If he gets 50/50 there's no way he will really take the kids all those days.  He just wants to stay in my life, perhaps.)  In my state they favor trying to give dads equal time.

One more thing.  I know people always suggest psych evals and guardian ad litem, etc., but those things run up your bills and neither of us is wealthy.  I don't know if I want to trigger a year-long custody evaluation costing us $25K but maybe I have no choice?

People I talk to say, "You're the mom and he's out of the house.  This should be a no brainer."  Oh, if that were true.

[mamachelle]

Hi Momtara,

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

So, I think, just to clarify, that what you want is Residential Parent. As far as I know, there is no splitting of the Residential Parent.

Given his recent visitation and psychiatric history, I don't think he would do well with a psych eval or a GAL if you want to try for Sole custody.

In my experience, Dads with his type of behavior and low functioning generally can not make it for the long haul but will threaten a lot. I'm just not sure of his whole background. I am going off some previous posts of yours where he sounded to be psychotic.

Is he working in a stable job and able to support himself?

Does he have his own house or apartment at this point ?

How has his family been acting towards him/ towards you?

How much support does he have if he were to have the kids for a week at a time?

Mamachelle

[momtara]

I guess he hopes he can move near me so we can share 50/50 residential.  I know it's unusual, but that's what his hope is.  perhaps far-fetched.  right now he is living with family.  He is hoping not to pay me much support in the interim so he can get a 2 br apt. etc. 

Yes, he has a lot of issues (and thanks for reading my other posts).  I love him and want him to see his kids, but it just seems like it'd be more stable for them to be with me.  But who knows what kinds of lies he could tell to claim he just wants to be a good dad and share the kids 50/50.

Yes, he does have a stable job and comes off as normal to anyone who meets him.

[mamachelle]

I would definitely consult with your attorney and recommended trying for Sole custody with visitation as recommended by the GAL.

IMHO, it's better to fight now than have to go to back to court later.

I am residential parent and my exBPDH has like 50/50 on paper or more like 70/30 on paper... .  but he never even came close nor did he pretend he could.

My attorney at the time told me to try for Sole but I was too freaked out, scared, and tired to push him further.

In retrospect, I should have, but now it's 8 years later and my kids are teenagers, DD13 and 16 and they don't even talk to their Dad. It's sad but he became erratic and abusive and didn't pay support. I filed a motion to have him go for counseling and supervised visitation and for back support. A GAL was appointed. He never paid his attorney, the GAL... .  then DCFS indicated abuse... .  he fled the state with his new wife and her three kids. Contacts me through texts mostly and now my DD really want nothing to do with him. I don't push it and am just thankful he is not pushing either. If you could look into a crystal ball and guarantee your stbxBPDH would be like my EXH and even though you have Joint give you default Sole-- then that would be wonderful. However, it just doesn't sound like he is communicating that and that is too big a risk IMHO.

Anyway, you are just starting out and don't want to spend a lot of money but it doesn't sound like he could care for the kids without the help of his parents.

I also read a while back that your BPDH also accused you falsely of child abuse a month ago or so right? So this is all concerning.

What does your attorney think?

If he or she could give you a pretty clear picture of what to expect in your state and with your judge then I think you would feel better going in.

Forgot to add this for essential reading:

Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

[Mind]

Great thread.  At first mine threatened me with sole custody!  Then he downscaled it to half and he even explained it to me as being half of the week. How nice.   I found out from my attorney that is incorrect.  He is planning on moving in with his parents and I do not see how that will work out at all.  I handle absolutely all of the needs with our children, schedules, etc.  He works a second job with late hours.  He has been completely hands off and mistreating all of us with anger and silence treatments for months.  All until the D was filed and now all of a sudden he is showing a fake interest in the kids.

[sad but wiser]

Momtara, just don't panic.  You have been in a high-anxiety state for quite awhile with him, so you can expect that you will have some emotional reactions to all that is going on.  My uBPD xh says a lot of things to me and threatens a lot of things, but he is really just trying to push my buttons.  Be informed about the divorce and custody laws.  Read them for yourself for where you live.  There is no better way that I know to keep calm through it all.  If he really doesn't want responsibility (sounds familiar) then he is really just wanting leverage or to indulge in fantasies of how fantastic a father he is.  This will probably pass.

[momtara]

Yes, it's concerning. He admitted to the false charge, but I have no witnesses to prove that.  Thanks for the help, everyone!

[crazylife]

You could request a parental fitness evaluation. Dfacs often will request one in juvenile court and it is administered by mental health.No idea of the cost but that might be a way to do it cost effectively and not leave yourself/kids  in jeopardy down the road. It isn't as easy to go back unless there is a major incident.

[Forward2free]

N/BPDxh wants 50/50, has 4 hours per fortnight and keeps taking me back to court to get it. I have sole parental responsibility but in Aust there is no limitation on going back to court.

My gut feel is the N/BPDxh wants to look like the perfect dad and have the kids around to feed his need for affection and love, but it's clear that he was never involved with the day-to-day tasks prior to D and when he was around, mostly ignored the kids. He misses make up visits and cuts visits short, but he hasn't missed one scheduled visit in over 14 months. It was not what I expected and it looks like he's digging his heals in to look good.

My advice is to be careful, not give too much and go for sole parental responsibility with a fair visitation schedule. You can't know how your ex will react long term.

[momtara]

How were you able to prove that he wasn't taking the kids on his scheduled days and nights?

[Forward2free]

Keep a visit journal with times and dates.

I have a third party provider facilitate the changeover at the end of the visit, and I do the drop off at McDonalds so there are staff/witnesses too.

Getting someone independent is good if possible. The company that provides the changeovers documents his arrival time, demeanor and any areas of concern. We can subpoena the company for a statement if required.

If I have any issues at all, I email N/BPDxh so that there is a record... .  for example

"N/BPDxh, you are now 10 minutes late for the scheduled visit and I have not received any notification from you. I will wait 10 more minutes with the children and then leave."

"N/BPDxh, as per previous email, you are now 20 minutes late for the scheduled visit, we are leaving now."

Keep any responses, file, and forward these to your L.