Civil "No Contact Order" - experiences?

[wchi]

Hi all,

Have not posted in a long time so here is a quick run down:

Involved in a divorce with my stbxBPDw. House just sold, no kids.

Separated since Jan 1012. Of course she has been harassing me since day 1, claiming I was abusive to her, among many other things.

A few weeks ago I told my lawyer that we needed to do something about the harassment, so he contacted opposing counsel, they said something to her, and all was well. For about 1 week.

Although it has cut down considerably, it is still happening. The latest email says she is going to prosecute me for injuries she suffered as a result of my abuse towards her and that those injuries ultimately caused her to have a serious biking accident last summer.

I am so tired, and there is absolutely nothing that we need to discuss. I have asked my lawyer for his opinion on filing a civil "no contact" order. I would love to hear any other opinions, or good/bad experiences in doing so.

cheers and keep up the good work!

[livednlearned]

Is she only contacting you through email?

If so, I would write her and tell her that you are no longer going to receive her messages. Maybe tell her to send her messages to her L?

And then block her address, or filter it so that it dumps into a folder you never look at.

My N/BPDxh is an attorney and I would have thought of all people, an attorney would not engage in harassment. But he's the worst offender. He harasses the parenting coordinator (extension of judge), he writes directly to the judge (clerk tells him to stop), he continues to write to the L who withdrew from his case, he writes me constantly, despite being told to cc the parenting coordinator on everything. It's a sickness, and I don't know that there is anything watertight you can do to stop the harassment.

Ignoring it is best. It takes a lot of willpower and maybe some technological know-how, but ignore it if you can. Definitely do not respond, and give her no reason to continue the negative engagement or negative intimacy. I would also not send messages to her through your Ls. That feeds it.

[Matt]

I would probably skip the part about telling her your plan, and just do the plan.

If you can put them in your junk folder, then later you might decide to print them and use them for the no-contact order, if you need to go that route.

[Waddams]

I think a key part of a "no contact" order also has to include a written, documented request to the other party to stop contacting you.  It doesn't have to mentioned harassment or threats, just a simple request.

":)ear crazy person:

Please stop contacting me.  At this point, I believe no communication we have is healthy or good for either of us and we are both better off if we move on and stay as separate as possible from each other.  I wish you the best, but I will not be contacting you again except as required to resolve matters as needed to finish our divorce.  I will also not be responding to communication unless it has specific bearing on our divorce case.

Best wishes.

Me"

You do not need to do anything else.  You don't need to tell her that you are filtering her emails, that you will only respond via your L, or that you will only respond to correspondence from her L. 

If she continues her harassment after that, keep the emails filed away and DO NOT RESPOND.  Just my humble experience, but the judges I've seen are keen to pick up on who is the aggressor in these situations.  If you respond, then you're creating back and forth, and potential for a judge to say "well, you're helping to escalate the situation with your responses."  Make sure you can show a judge that it really is all her and not you by not giving her any responses to pull out herself.  Also, don't post on Facebook about it, no twittering about it, etc.  Nothing at all.

Just file the emails away, print them and save as backups, save the voice mails, etc., otherwise ignore her, and concentrate on your new life. 

I believe what you will find is that eventually she'll quite down.  She's thriving off the conflict, and when things change so she's not getting the response, she'll eventually be forced to go find other avenues to get her thrills. 

If the harassment continues, or escalates further, then you can evaluate the impact/threat to you, and act appropriately.

[livednlearned]

I think a key part of a "no contact" order also has to include a written, documented request to the other party to stop contacting you.  It doesn't have to mentioned harassment or threats, just a simple request.

I agree, if only so that she knows you lay down a boundary. She could probably figure it out, but by saying it one time -- and once is once -- you make the boundary crystal clear.

You can't stop her from harassing you, but you can detach from her. That's the key.

[Matt]

I think a key part of a "no contact" order also has to include a written, documented request to the other party to stop contacting you.  It doesn't have to mentioned harassment or threats, just a simple request.

I agree, if only so that she knows you lay down a boundary. She could probably figure it out, but by saying it one time -- and once is once -- you make the boundary crystal clear.

You can't stop her from harassing you, but you can detach from her. That's the key.

During our divorce - we were separated but not yet divorced - I was traveling, and my older son (then in his 20s) was at my house.  My wife came to the door and said she needed my younger son's homework.  He was 8 then.  It made no sense, because we lived 2 blocks apart, so if S8 needed his homework, he would have walked over and gotten it.  But my older son let her in.

She went from room to room, looking through any papers she could find - obviously looking for financial stuff to use against me.  She didn't even bother going into S8's room.  My older son could see what was happening but he didn't know how to handle it, so he waited til she left and called me, and told me what she had done.

I e-mailed my attorney, who told me to write her an e-mail:

To:  stbX

cc:  My attorney

Do not enter my house without my written permission.

He said that if she did it again we could easily get an Order Of Protection.  She didn't do it again;  I think my attorney talked to hers and her attorney told her not to do it any more.