What to say what to say

[Rose Tiger]

Ex emailed me last week a yahoo news link, I clicked it but it was blocked by work so I deleted it.  His email was just the URL so I figured it didn't need a reply (other than a link to BPD recovery but let's not go there).  Then on Saturday the phone rang, I answered 'hello' and they hung up.  My teen was at a friend's house and she called me later that day and I asked her if she had called and hung up, she said nope.  Then on Sunday ex's daughter texted my teen, Hey remember I promised to take you to the mall (in the big city - this is a HUGE temptations for teen).  Teen tells me about the text and then she deletes it.  I didn't tell her to but so proud of her not taking the bait (ex stepdaughter is an unsafe person).

I just got an email from ex saying Happy Birthday.  It's not my birthday yet, so he is early.

Any advice on what to say?  I'm thinking short and sweet.

[fakename]

do you think there's any need to reply?

what would you be looking to get from replying?

[Rose Tiger]

Attempting to detach with love but with the goal of weaning him away.

[recoil]

Mine recently texted me with a congratulations on a house purchase.  I replied with, "Thank you!"

Nothing more, nothing less.

To me, I acknowledge her text without giving away any of my power and making myself feel bad.  Honestly, I was tempted to thank her and engage in some small talk but I decided against it.

I do miss her.  When she wasn't pushing me away, she was my best friend.

[JDoe]

I am a huge fan of NC.  Any response will be open to X's interpretation.  Best for me to ignore XH's few (and creepy) attempts to engage me.

[Newton]

Hey Rose... .  It must be challenging to have those little hooks thrown your way 

Kudos to your teen for acting in such a mature way by sharing the txt with you and not responding! (she obviously has a great influence and support in her life   )

Re: your response... .  perhaps focus more on the "short" and less of the "sweet"... .  neutral is polite, and doesn't leave you exposed for a counter... .  

[mango_flower]

Agree, short and sweet. "Thank you!" and nothing else.  No kisses, no smilies.

Appreciative yet not buying into it.

It's so difficult - because you want to keep NC, but you also want to be human, and that is to appreciate the wish.

If he replies again, then you don't need to reply as you've already thanked him.

The issue is if he then replies with a question... .  let's hope not! 

[Rose Tiger]

Thanks all, I went with the simple "thank you!".  I think that reply relays that he is of value, but I'm not throwing any recycle possibilities out there.  I can handle a little boundary breaking when it's a nice breaker.

Thanks for recognizing the teen's action, Newton, I know that was a hard move to make.  The mall!  That is hard for her to turn down!

[IfOnlyIKnew]

Thanks all, I went with the simple "thank you!". 

Did you get another text from him after that ? I'm very interested in your thread cuz I may have to face the B'day wish text too soon, and I planned to go with the "thank you" just like you, but I've been adviced to stay NC. I'm struggling with what would be the best to do.

[recoil]

When I used the sincere "Thank you!", I heard nothing back.  It's been around a week now.  My ex is very scared of rejection and a waif though.  So I think fear keeps her in limited contact with me, or possibly a new supply.  Your mileage may vary using "Thank you!"

[Rose Tiger]

He didn't reply, there isn't much else he can say.  You know, it's so sad how these things turn out.  He doesn't realize that it hurts to think how we used to be and it hurts that he just isn't capable of relationship.  Ugh, it makes me angry that the disorder wins.  I wish it could of been different.  He is so broken and seemingly incapable of change. 

[Discarded26]

Any contact is the WORST

Why they do it? They don't want us anymore

So why be nice/nasty?

[fakename]

What I've done is stopped worrying so much about what I should say to them. It just falls on deaf ears anyway and started worrying abut how I'm going to take care of myself.

I'm by gonna abuse myself anymore especially not by being their puppet.

Let go. Stop having hope of it working out with them. It won't. You don't want to make yourself crazy too

[seeking balance]

He didn't reply, there isn't much else he can say.  You know, it's so sad how these things turn out.  He doesn't realize that it hurts to think how we used to be and it hurts that he just isn't capable of relationship.  Ugh, it makes me angry that the disorder wins.  I wish it could of been different.  He is so broken and seemingly incapable of change. 

You handled it well - kind and short response.  You co-parent, so NC is not really an option - but LC is and you are doing that.

Radical Acceptance - why continue to focus on him being broken and incapable of change RT? 

So, you are angry he has a mental illness -  Anger is a stage of grief on our way to acceptance.

Is it a true statement to say you are sad that your marriage had to end due to the disorder  and you have no control of that fact?

[Rose Tiger]

   Hey Seeking Balance, sorry for the delay.

It was having a birthday without him, it hurt so bad!  I cried and cried the night after I got the HB text.  So sad that he can't say anything of substance.  The subject line was happy birthday, the email said happy birthday.  So unfullfilling and unsatisfying.  It took him two seconds to break a boundary, it took me a few days to stabilize.  It reminded me of how shallow the relationship was, how there was no emotional meat to it.  R/S lite.  All empty calories and McDondaldish.

I was also upset to miss St. Paddy's Day at the dive bar we used to go to on that holiday.  They have corned beef, irish stew available.  Kariroke.  People young and old come to this place on that one day.  Eat, sing, talk about the bullet hole in the ceiling, play pool, dance.  He was my irish partner for all that.  I hate giving that up.  Instead I went to a proper brunch with my daughter.  Very nice but... .  

[Surnia]

Rose Tiger

A big big 

and happy birthday!

Things like this can be really hurting.

[tailspin]

Hi Rose,

If you can't think of anything to say, then isn't this telling you something?  Doesn't detaching with love work both ways?  Be true to you   and if replying isn't a natural reaction for you then give yourself permission let it go without "doing" anything.

Sometimes doing nothing is detaching with love.

tailspin

[Rose Tiger]

Thanks Surnia.     You are like a warm blanket in a blizzard.

I know what you mean, Tailspin.  There is nothing there, nothing to say.  Probably should of cut it back to "thx" in the subject line and nothing in the body of the email. Smaller and smaller conversation until it disappears.

[real lady]

Happy {belated} Birthday, Rose Tiger. 

I hear you. Reprogramming ourselves to "do new things" or things that we USED TO DO before meeting our pds and NOT doing the "usual" things seem to be MORE than just "breaking habits" and beginning new ones but in essence, isn't that what we HAVE TO DO to move on?

My very highly probably PD sister (Histrionic we believe, MIGHT be BPD though), texted me a weak "happy birthday" after JUST having contacted her after a few years of No Contact. I didn't respond. She couldn't take time to put a card in the mail so I felt that NO "thank you" was due. Same with your exBPD... .  I assumed that my sister thought it was "obligatory" but I KNOW that it was NOT heartfelt... .  THAT is what makes the difference for us NONBPDers. WE KNOW when there is NO relationship and just have to STOP looking for any depth of one with our pwBPD.

Hope your NEXT YEARS BIRTHDAY will be DOUBLY special to erase the memories of this one... .  

[krista8521]

I am struggling with a BPD Mil who sends us taunting mail, drive buys, hang up calls, etc... I want to tell her off but I listen to what my Therapist and others on here tell me, NO CONTACT! its been almost 10 months and we could throw it all away with one simple reaction. Its hard, but if you really want him gone then ignore it and move on.

Like my Therapist said : Look at each contact as a blip on a radar, no reaction, no response it flat lines, react and it starts fluctuating all over the place.

[seeking balance]

Happy Birthday (late) Rose Tiger

These things are hard and hurt - hang in there, next year will feel better 

Peace,

SB

[Rose Tiger]

Happy {belated} Birthday, Rose Tiger! 

I hear you. Reprogramming ourselves to "do new things" or things that we USED TO DO before meeting our pds and NOT doing the "usual" things seem to be MORE than just "breaking habits" and beginning new ones but in essence, isn't that what we HAVE TO DO to move on?

My very highly probably PD sister (Histrionic we believe, MIGHT be BPD though), texted me a weak "happy birthday" after JUST having contacted her after a few years of No Contact. I didn't respond. She couldn't take time to put a card in the mail so I felt that NO "thank you" was due. Same with your exBPD... .  I assumed that my sister thought it was "obligatory" but I KNOW that it was NOT heartfelt... .  THAT is what makes the difference for us NONBPDers. WE KNOW when there is NO relationship and just have to STOP looking for any depth of one with our pwBPD.

Hope your NEXT YEARS BIRTHDAY will be DOUBLY special to erase the memories of this one... .  

Thanks Real Lady!    I know, what is this lame two data byte nonsense.  A nice card shows a little bit of effort.  Wouldn't hurt to throw in a gift card... .  .  Technology is destroying good manners, dab nab it.

[Rose Tiger]

I am struggling with a BPD Mil who sends us taunting mail, drive buys, hang up calls, etc... I want to tell her off but I listen to what my Therapist and others on here tell me, NO CONTACT! its been almost 10 months and we could throw it all away with one simple reaction. Its hard, but if you really want him gone then ignore it and move on.

Like my Therapist said : Look at each contact as a blip on a radar, no reaction, no response it flat lines, react and it starts fluctuating all over the place.

Your MIL is doing that?  Oh wow!  I like the blip on the radar analogy, blip blip gone.

[Rose Tiger]

Happy Birthday (late) Rose Tiger

These things are hard and hurt - hang in there, next year will feel better 

Peace,

SB

Thanks SB.  Maybe you all can go with me to the Irish pub next year?  They even have bagpipers!