Resolving his hurt and mine

[lizzie458]

dBPDh snapped at me the other day over the phone while dysregulating.  I hung up the phone because it was all I could manage at the time, being in an emotionally fragile state due to other things going on.  Within an hour or so, something happened at work that worsened my own anxiety and hurt/fears, etc.  I avoided him for a day or two (happens really easily because we work opposite shifts, so basically I just didn't text, call, or email him) because I knew I wasn't strong enough to validate him while he was in such an easily provoked state and I was very vulnerable.

I texted him today about setting up a time to talk, and he started in on me, making sarcastic and snippy comments (because everything is alllllllll about him).  I said I couldn't hear it right now and that maybe we can talk when he calms down.  Which now that I think about it, might be a trigger in itself - he can't admit when he's agitated.  I thought I had regained some strength... .  plus part of me wondered if he had calmed down any yet... .  but as soon as I reached my hand into the cage, the lion SNAPPED at me and I pulled my hand back out.

Normally I have a LITTLE bit of a clue, but right now I'm lost in the sauce.  Where do we go from here?  I want to stay married, but I feel totally closed off from him.  Not to mention his porn addiction has left me feeling like I don't matter to him and we don't connect on an intimate level anymore.  He is aware of his diagnosis and addiction and is seeking help for neither.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

He is aware of his diagnosis and addiction and is seeking help for neither.

This does make it tough.  It's hard when we feel like we are the only ones working on the marriage.

I'd give him more time and space to calm down.  Focus on yourself and make sure you are taking good care of yourself.   

 

[lizzie458]

It actually worked out OK.  After using some tools of 12 step yesterday (phone, journal, literature), reading through some of the posts on here (something I haven't done a lot of lately), and asking God for help to get through the day, I was revived and felt a lot better!  I think God really lifted me out of my funk, mercifully.  I realized I was, yet again, expecting something from my husband that he can't provide (support, understanding), and that I didn't need to make my point with him and show him how he hurt me because that's not going to help the situation.

So after some prayer and checking myself with a few other wise people, I went home and honestly apologized for my role in the hurts of the last few days.  He asked some questions about some of the things I've been through since Monday (he's heard bits and pieces while I'm on the phone with others) and I answered them without any kind of emotional fanfare.  I think it surprised him that I had already processed this stuff without him... .  both he and I have kind of used the other one to wallow in our own misery if that makes any sense.  Seemed like he really was expecting to help me through it, but there wasn't anything he needed to do.  Kind of sad, since both of us have acted from the beginning like he was a knight in shining armor who, when he decides to show up, saves the day - but it was much easier to resolve my own feelings about my personal issues without his emotional baggage, and I hope he felt a little less of a burden as well.