Sick of the denial

[OTH]

Sounds like a smart plan. It feels bad to pull away from somebody you love who has made a mess of their life but it also gives them a chance to grow. Your energy and time are valuable. It sounds like it can be focused where it really can make a positive difference and should help with your emotions from pulling back at this time. Hope things work out for the best. 

[optimismandlove]

We had a fun family day.

Feeling a healthy tiredness now

Palla, i put things simply for him as you did for me regarding the different roles people can play in his recovery if he so chooses.

Stressing the bit about family and friends being available for emotional support but not an endless source of rescue funds

I have also emphasized to him that I am not his sole friend and supporter

That there are people he can safely reach out to like a psychologist colleague who actually seeks his counsel on private matters

He has choices

I am not his responsibility

I grow stronger each day and remain respectful and supportive in any interactions we share

But i am not giving away myself and my position

Old habits are hard to break but can be liberating

Its a massive burden feeling responsible for everyone

I am seeing the value in being healthily selfish and allowing others to take the steering wheel

I have been good at seeing this in other people but it is always harder in oneself

I am being kinder to myself

[optimismandlove]

So, it is Saturday and I am halfway to a holiday with my son and his mate.

I get a call 20 minutes after leaving town.

Major ranting. He had just found my email of last week explaining why I could not hand back the 100,000 he has repaid me in the last year.

He simply can't fathom why I wont hand over "his" money so he can "gamble responsibly" to makeup the money he owes the tax office!

I let him rant, didnt interject, reiterated I could offer support in the way of love, company, friendship but not money.

He says he cant go on unless I give him money.

That I have ruined his previous "support" network.   i.e.   family suckers who keep rescuing him by giving him money

I calmly stated that if he had sought gambling help last year when I asked him to he would not be in the same old disastrous situation as he is now.

He ranted about my psycho babble.  Says talking cant possibly fix his problems.  Only money can. My money. 

I was standing on the side of a highway and said that there was obviously nothing more I could say or do and so I had to go.

I have turned off my phone.

I hate the way BPD makes them feel compelled to try to ruin every special occasion and holiday.

But I am not allowing it.

I will keep my phone off.

The denial continues

Whatever he chooses to do is his choice.  Not my responsibility.

Do I let his estranged family know of his latest threat?

[Surnia]

Great, that you could stand your ground! 

Great, that you could calmly go over his ranting without interjecting. 

Well done.

Looks like he is really in denial about his situation ("his money"!)

About your last question: From my point of view I would not contact his family. Stay detached, go for the holiday with your son and enjoy it!

[optimismandlove]

Thank you Surnia.

I have my phone switched off.

The campground is fantastic.

Just cooked the snags on the barbie.

The biys have been gomkarting around the camp.

All good.   I feel proud of myself.

[OTH]

 

Thank you Surnia.

I have my phone switched off.

The campground is fantastic.

Just cooked the snags on the barbie.

The biys have been gomkarting around the camp.

All good.   I feel proud of myself.

[optimismandlove]

Having a peaceful holiday by the river and sea.  My 9yo son and his best friend are just gorgeous.  We are going to an Indian curry night at the camp then watching Dr Who!

My partner raged all night but I was oblivious with fone turned off and watching Downton Abbey dvd.

Today got message he is all right

Do they have any recallof their rage?

[optimismandlove]

Just turned my fone on for a few minutes.  He is texting me that  he is smashing walls, mirrors and lamps in the beautiful homestead.

Yet another desperate attempt to engage me knowing how much I adore the old homestead.

At the end of the day it is HIS mortgage, HIS damage.

I rang a trusted friend who told me to let him go and enjoy my holiday.

Fone switched back off

Off to the curry nite... .


Feels ruthless and scary but I know  this is the right thing to do

Its the not knowing if and when he is ever going to bottom out and seek help that drives me so crazy.  And all the physical destruction of property.

The absolute tragedy and waste of this  insidious disease

Whats so hard for me is we live  in such a small town (pop 9000) and are very well known.  He treats all my family and friends and is worshipped like a God in our town.

I am doing the right thing keeping my fone off, goung to the curry nite and watching tv with the boys

[Surnia]

This is really hard stuff. 

Its the not knowing if and when he is ever going to bottom out and seek help that drives me so crazy. 

Yes, this is hard to bear. Some of our SO have really touch bottom very hard. You cannot help him here. His illness is much stronger.

[optimismandlove]

Thank you surnia

The beef madras curry was delicious, and hooray, I don't have any dishes to do!

I am not even feeling guilty for enjoying my holiday

Just relief to be away and free to think for myself and my family and enjoy the little lovely moments life offers us

My parents came to visit and I have told my mum some of what is happening.

I havent used the term BPD just described the disorder.

She actually said she thinks that is also what my father has!

I didnt describe the physical destruction, just that he is ranting and needs to bottom out.

Its scary that I have unconsciously chosen the same kind of mate that my own mother has

But my father didn't rage and self destruct in spectacular fashion like the mate I have chosen

I am hoping he will bottom out and seek help while I am on holiday

Thats the eternal optimist, or "fool" in me... .  

Okay, off to lounge on the couch with the kids and play board games

[aggie04girl]

Do y'all live together?  If not it will be a lot easier to end it.  Otherwise Idk.  I would end it though.  I am right there with you and I too have had enough.

[optimismandlove]

Hey aggie

Fortunately we have never lived together.  I own my own home and he has a whopping mortgage on his.

Yes, it makes it easier to leave.

I wish you strength on your own journey to safety and sanity

OandL

[optimismandlove]

I had ti turn my fone on to talk to my 17yowho is away playing soccer.  There are dozens of texts and missed calls of rage.

Terrifying.the last one threatening to harm himself and the dog

I have told him to ring lifeline

Amongst the begging me to ring are many many insults.

Its pure primal rage because no one is giving him any more money

This has never happened before

He has always been rescued.

Myself and his father are now the enemy

We were previously the rescuers

He says there are gaping holes in all the walls of his beautiful home

Its just so awful

I feel sick

I have never known anything like this

Its terrifying

Its like his brain is exploding or its a furious ego

The ego is massive.  The hugest I have ever encountered, fed by his European father

His  father was a General, their homeland was stolen from them, they endured years if war.  Emigrated as refugees

I have no idea what horror he must have seen or heard or experienced

Its so awful

[Surnia]

Its his very terrifying kind of extinction burst, due to the fact he has no more money.

There is no excuse for such behavior, whatever he had to go through in the past.

Yes, it is sick making! I would be feel awful too. 

[Clearmind]

optimismandlove, I am sorry to hear this.

Raging feels like it directed towards you and I know it hurts. Raging is cathartic - once over the experience be feels relief and vindication. This of course does not stop you feeling like you are to blame. Its really not your fault.

Whilst in this dysregulated state its best you steer clear and don't react or respond. We can make it worse if we do - so its in your interest to step away.

We can never know what the triggers are and to be honest it may not even be about the money - we don't know.

Can I ask how you approached this latest rage?

[pallavirajsinghani]

My Dear:  You have been in my thoughts.  I woke up thinking that I have misdirected you.

I got lost in the trees and did not look at the entire forest.

With this broader perspective in mind:

I wish to state that the primary problem/emotion I sense in your posts is anxiety... .   and Extreme Anxiety.  Before you can handle the issues, you must take active steps to lower your anxiety levels.  Whether the anxiety is due to your SO's problems, your reaction to his problems, or your interpersonal relationship... .   before any of practical issues or emotional issues can be handled, you have to have this defused.

I think clarity will begin to emerge.  And with clarity, solutions will begin to emerge and with solutions, your direction of life will begin to emerge.

This can only begin to happen when you have this pervasive sense of doom and fear and disaster under control.  There is a lot of wasted time and energy and emotion in fighting in total darkness.  The cloud of anxiety will not allow you to sort things out.

So, continue to go to the counselor.  Address your current emotional state.  Ask to be checked if your anxiety is hampering you from resolving key issues on your plate.  Go on meds if the counselor believes that you should... .  

Hope this helps.

[optimismandlove]

Thank you surnia, clear, and palla

Thank you for hearing my pain at this scary time.

I am still away on holiday, haveanother 3 nights, maybe more.

It is the not knowing how its all going to end that plagues me.

I know I need to just let it unfold and that is what Im doing.

As regards my health, I am on an antidep for anxiety and have Xanax to use in emergency situations.   I took a tiny amount last night so I could block my thoughts and sleep.

I am functioning but exhausted.   That is why I have taken myself away to this lovely camp resort where I can relax and the kids are happily occupied.

Clearmind, as to how I approached the rage if you read back you will see it started with a phone call 20 minutes into my holiday.  I pulled off the highway and let him rant without interjecting.   Eventually I said it was too dangerous for me standing on the side of the highway and that I had to go.  I turned the phone off for several hours.

I turn the fone on intermittently to read the rants and any messages from my son.

The only response I have made is a text to say that help is always available if he wants it.

He has labelled me a narcissistic deontologist.  I havent googled it yet.

The pervading sense of doom is lifting slightly as I untie the rope

[pallavirajsinghani]

"untie the rope"... .  

The rope?

Gordonian knot it is and a big huzzah to your courage and determination.

Do save his texts and messages of rage and threats of self-harm.  Then do not hesitate to call the police and ask them to do a well check.  They will swing by his home and check on him to make sure that he is fine.  Everytime he threatens to self-harm or harm the dog or leaves dysregulated messages, save these messages.  Go to the police station, or call them and play for them and tell them that you suggest a well-check.

As you are not a trained clinician, nor a trained emergency worker, nor a trained first responder... .   you simply won't know when he is bluffing, when he is not and nor are you emotionally distanced from him to assess what the most appropriate emergency response should be.  Hence, best is to alert the authorities who have both knowledge and experience to deal with such situations.

This is not abandonment.  Rather, this is the ultimate in compassion and love... .   to understand what your limitations are and to direct him to the right professionals and to direct the right professionals on to him.

Glad to know that you already are aware of the anxiety issues and are addressing them.

:-)

[optimismandlove]

Thanks palla

Sadly I can not talk to our local police as one of the officers has made a false allegation about him which is currently being investigated by the Medical Board. 

This ongoing persecution is part of why he is selfdestructing.  I have posted more about his ongoing legal troubles on my other post.

You will sadly see that he is being punished Over and over again in vigilante fashion by elements of society and the police for an issue which he has already been charged with and served years of punishment for.  Every step he takes is monitored by the medical board and the police.

He only has 3 months of this torturous monitoring remaining after 10 hellish years but this latest false allegation of oversupplying narcotics by an overzealous policeofficer in our small town has pushed him off the cliff.

As you can see, BPD is only one component of the mess he is in.

He is an exceptional, gifted doctor who has the biggest patient list in town and patients travel 100s of kms to see him.

But there are enemies who want to take him down, want to see him stop practising as a doctor.

I would like to see him make the choice to stop practising for a year, take control himself, go bankrupt, clear his debts, move away, start living life

Can you see my anguish

[pallavirajsinghani]

I am curious:  What made you conclude that the allegations are false and that the officer and the medical board is being hyper vigilant?

Given his personality, the rigorous monitoring by authorities may be the only thing that is preventing him from repeating his previous transgression.  Or, given his mental disorder, such monitoring is the only thing that is preventing him from repeating the previous transgression to the same degree as before.

Is there a slight possibility that the current allegations may have actual grounds?

He may be a good doctor only because of such rigorous oversight.

I am just wondering if you have entertained this possibility at all.  :)enial can be quite a tough barrier to break... .   on your part too.

[optimismandlove]

I cant say any more other than it was not malpractice.

Nobody was ever hurt.