Relationship with borderline means you were RAISED by one?

[TakeFlight]

Has anyone ever heard the argument that if you entered into any sort of long term relationship with a borderline, it means you were also raised by one? Anyone actaully come to the realization that their parent(s) was in fact BPD after one of these failed r/s?

[MaybeSo]

I realized that my stepmonster is very likely NPD/BPD and that my dad and mom are very codependent.

[hithere]

My mom definitely had mental illness, not sure about BPD though.

[mitti]

My dad definitely shows signs of NPD and my mother has some serious issues but not sure about BPD, some traits are strong but maybe not enough for a diagnosis and not anymore in any case.

[laelle]

I have illness on both sides.

My dads mom was BPD, my dad has agoraphobia along with alot of codependency.

My my moms grandmother was at the very least schizophrenic, but some of the impulsive decisions and good men she left by the wayside hints at more.  My mother favored my sister and commended her when she sneezed.  I took the other direction as I could never live up to my sister.

[findingmyselfagain]

I'm not sure if mine was, but definitely emotionally unstable and still unable to handle basic life-tasks such as maintaining a checkbook, taking care of automobile issues, house-cleaning, etc. Hard to see a parent or someone you love "suffer" but the only thing to do is to let them rise or fall on their own two feet.

[recoil]

I would venture go guess my Mom has BPD.

I used to think it was because she's from another Country.  I don't believe that anymore.

[gettingoverit]

I don't know about that, but I do know that my grandfather on my mother's side had some BPD traits. Apparently he was very abusive to my grandmother when my mother was growing up. He had a very bad temper, and his moods could change in an instant. Although I never saw that side of him growing up because he treated me very well. My mother however definitely grew up in dysfunction. My mother has the same bad temper (at least while I was growing up) but does not seem to exhibit too many BPD traits at all. I think it's more that nons were brought up in less than ideal home life situations. Perhaps they were not encouraged or felt loved enough, or always felt like they had to prove they were worthy of love or something. I don't think in means we were brought up by BPDs.

[LetItBe]

Yes, my mom was bipolar and likely had BPD.  My dad was not well, either.  Both of them had abusive parents, too. 

[Seb]

Since going to T, I can see that my father is more than likely BPD (w/NPD traits), and I am my mother. I saw and empathised with her throughout my childhood, and ended up with a girl who was exactly like my father. I didn't realise this at the time, only looking back. It's no wonder, at the time, her self-loathing and destructive tendencies resonated with me, instead of sending me running for the hills!

[imstronghere2]

I was raised by the "Queen/Witch" version.  There is no wondering if you were or not with that.  I managed to escape with a bare thin grip on my own sanity.   For me, being raised by one meant that I was TRAINED to deal that abuse.  I know how to live without compassion or emotional empathy and how to handle being raged at on a daily basis.  For me, getting hooked into a r/s with a BPD was basically inevitable without significant therapy and that didn't happen.

Does falling prey to someone with BPD and getting into a r/s with them correlate to having been raised by the same?   Absolutely not.  But being raised by one DOES mean that you are more likely to get into a r/s with one because it's familiar.  It's what you know.

[Clearmind]

Has anyone ever heard the argument that if you entered into any sort of long term relationship with a borderline, it means you were also raised by one? Anyone actaully come to the realization that their parent(s) was in fact BPD after one of these failed r/s?

There is BPD and there are BPD traits.

My father is likely to be more of the BPD trait variety.

[mssomebodynice]

I felt I had to post this, that is, my parents are very normal.  Awesome people!  If I could be half the parents they are, I will be great.  I did, however, have a marriage for 17 years with a drug addict. 

[TakeFlight]

Has anyone ever heard the argument that if you entered into any sort of long term relationship with a borderline, it means you were also raised by one? Anyone actaully come to the realization that their parent(s) was in fact BPD after one of these failed r/s?

There is BPD and there are BPD traits.

Thats probably the most insightful given my particular curiosity. I feel that my mother may have expressed some BPD waif traits but I'm still on the fence about full blown BPD. On the other hand due to the nature of the waif, they are apprently most difficult to diagnose AS BPD for that very reason. Their symptoms just dont present that obviously or externally. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

I came to the hard realization that my mother is either BPD or has strong BPD traits.  A talented therapist pointed this out to me.  Also, it's obvious to me my father has some strong N traits (as do I) along with codependency.  My father is also a recovering alcoholic.  My grandmother was diagnosed with schizophrenia.  So, mental illness in my family?  Yes!  We gravitate towards that which we know...

[mango_flower]

My mother is amazing   No BPD traits at all.  Father is quite unemotional, no BPD either.

My two step mothers I had from the ages of 10-18 (one after the other!) were both BPD.  One was actually diagnosed with it (she was my stepmother from ages 10-15).  She was also diagnosed with depression, shehad a drink problem, and generally a lot of issues.  My second step mother was the evil type of of person you'd never wish on your child... .  she hated me and made my life hell. Only since learning about BPD have I realised that she had it.  I am 99.9% sure.  The witch type. Both my step mums were very volatile, I used to wake up to screaming and fighting, police being called, knives being involved... .  

I think these have definitely affected me... .  I only ever wanted them to love me, I was always desparate for their affection.  I'm sure this has shaped me, even though my childhood until the age of 10 was great.

[slimmiller]

Neither my parents are. My mother is more strong willed then my father but she never went out of her boundaries as a mother or wife. I have a strong suspiscion that her mother was BPD or at least she had some of the traits and maybe a little N. As a kid she took her hate and dislike for my father out on us kids blatantly mistreating us while at the same time doting on the other grandkids right in front of us. It hurt and she knew it.

My father is the kindest most compassionate/empathetic man I know and I dont just say that because he is my father. Other say it as well. I take after him in that respect at times and sometimes that is not exactly a good thing. It certainly shaped me into a BPD lover so to speak. It makes me very useful to them, especially referring to my ex BPD.

My fathers mother passed away when he was twelve. The lady that became his stepmother then was a flaming witch/waif BPD. I have yet to meet anyone, even her grown children that will ever vouch for her compassion or anything good as we call good. She was completely devoid of it to the point she would not even feed the step children at times. 

[TakeFlight]

Wow these things really do present from a history of family instability.

240 views... .  and such thoughtful responses! I really do love the sense of community from this board. Thank you all