What to do?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all. I have a son who will be 19 in a few days. I have just come to the realization of what I am dealing with after years of searching and trying to get him help. We have just emerged out of the intense teen years which included two years of drug and alcohol addiction, trouble with the law and finally 10 months in long term rehab. He has been back with us since Aug., has been caught using twice and asked to leave twice. The last time was because of a dui while he was driving my car. But of course since the police officer gave him a break and wrote the ticket for .02 - minor under the influance, he is in denial that it was a dui (he really blew a .08). After 2 1/2 weeks of being away from home and having no place to live he asked if he could come bake. I let him.

I should probably add here that his dad (whom I am still married to) works out of town and is gone for several weeks to months at a time so I have been basically raising the kids by myself.

Any way, he has been back home for the second time for about a month now. He finally got a job at McDonnals. I have not let him drive any of our cars except to go to work and back. He asked all the time to go places, I don't care if he goes anywhere he just can't drive my car. But we live a ways out in the country, about 5 miles from town and no one wants to come out to get him so he is home quite a bit.

OK, so keep in mind that I just realized what I am dealing with about a week ago and have been trying really hard to change the way I interact with him. But yesterday I went out of town for the day. I left the keys to my truck here and told my youngest (14) that they were in my drawer in case of an emergency. There was no emergency. Today when I got in my truck I could tell that someone else had been driving it. It was either my son or the dog. So I confronted him and of course he blew up, denied everything, got pissed and of course I just always blame him for everything when he never does it.

He is very good at denying, lying and making me feel guilty like I did acuse him and it really isn't his fault. Problem is, I know he did it but I still have this doubt that I am wrong. UHHHHHHGGG.

I am so sick of him twisting everything, never owning up and making me out to be the bad guy.

[JKN77]

Hi all. I have a son who will be 19 in a few days. I have just come to the realization of what I am dealing with after years of searching and trying to get him help. We have just emerged out of the intense teen years which included two years of drug and alcohol addiction, trouble with the law and finally 10 months in long term rehab. He has been back with us since Aug., has been caught using twice and asked to leave twice. The last time was because of a dui while he was driving my car. But of course since the police officer gave him a break and wrote the ticket for .02 - minor under the influance, he is in denial that it was a dui (he really blew a .08). After 2 1/2 weeks of being away from home and having no place to live he asked if he could come bake. I let him.

I should probably add here that his dad (whom I am still married to) works out of town and is gone for several weeks to months at a time so I have been basically raising the kids by myself.

Any way, he has been back home for the second time for about a month now. He finally got a job at McDonnals. I have not let him drive any of our cars except to go to work and back. He asked all the time to go places, I don't care if he goes anywhere he just can't drive my car. But we live a ways out in the country, about 5 miles from town and no one wants to come out to get him so he is home quite a bit.

OK, so keep in mind that I just realized what I am dealing with about a week ago and have been trying really hard to change the way I interact with him. But yesterday I went out of town for the day. I left the keys to my truck here and told my youngest (14) that they were in my drawer in case of an emergency. There was no emergency. Today when I got in my truck I could tell that someone else had been driving it. It was either my son or the dog. So I confronted him and of course he blew up, denied everything, got pissed and of course I just always blame him for everything when he never does it.

He is very good at denying, lying and making me feel guilty like I did acuse him and it really isn't his fault. Problem is, I know he did it but I still have this doubt that I am wrong. UHHHHHHGGG.

I am so sick of him twisting everything, never owning up and making me out to be the bad guy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JKN77]

Short update, I just asked my 16 year old son if his brother was at the high school duing lunch time, he said yes. I then talked with my son and he swares he did not go anywhere yesterday and he is sick of me always accusing him of stuff. I told him it would be really nice if he would quite denying and just tell the truth.

I don't know what to do, how to handle him, nothing. I am so out of ideas, not even sure if he comprehends reallity.

[vivekananda]

It is so hurtful and confusing isn't it?    We end up not trusting our own judgement, feeling guilty for no reason at all. and not knowing what to think. The good thing to know is that there is a way clear to all this.

There is much to learn here, and when I first joined up, I had crash course on BPD etc and the steepest most urgent learning curve I could imagine. That was about 12mths ago now. I have come a long way since then. I think it is much the same story for all of us here 

When they tell lies, it is probably because they are avoiding facing up to 'reality' they will persuade themselves that it is the truth too. My dd is 32, I just let the lies brush past me now. I haven't found it productive to call them out, it just causes argument and drama and more dysregulation.

our son is legally an adult, so it is hard for you to 'get him to do' anything much. So, in my case, it helped me to sort out my thinking in two ways: what is best for my dd; what is best for me.

I spent a lot of time and angst thinking about how to get the right treatment for dd (in this case I thought that a 'proper' DT course would be best for her. My dh and I presented this info to her and she rejected it out of hand). I spent and still sped a bit of energy investigating what BPD is etc.

A good starter resource here for me was: 'Overcoming BPD' by Valerie Porr. Easy to read and has a good intro to validation.

It has been looking at what is best for me that has brought the best results. Briefly and in order they were: learning to take care of myself (if I am not god to myself, how can I be any use to anyone else?); setting boundaries, values based boundaries; learning, understanding and applying validation skills; learning, understanding and practising mindfulness. All these things are complementary to each other, they are like a cloak of many threads which makes a whole to keep me warm and safe. And I am continually working on this 'cloak' to make it even better 

for boundaries info see: BOUNDARIES - Living our values

for validation: "I don't have to make everything better" by Lundbergs

And all that's enough to keep you busy for quite a while!

A quick word on reality. My daughter's reality is not the same as mine and she rejects mine. There is nothing I can do about this.

Cheers,

Vivek     

oops text changed and I haven't figured that out yet... .  sorry   

[JKN77]

Part of the problem is, is that I am feeling like a prisoner in my own home. If I go anywhere overnight I have to wory about what he is doing, who he is bringing into my home and what my other kids might be exposed to. OR, like yesterday I am gone for just the day and he steels my truck.   

So after I confront him that his brother told me he was at the school. He texts his brother and tells him to tell me he was mistaken and that is was a different day he saw him there. So, he is trying to get his brother to lie for him and triangulate against me. He knows what he is doing, he just doesn't want to face the consequenses.

1. The question now is. Do I drive him to and from work? This puts more responsibilty on me and ties me down more even though it is enforcing a consequence.

2. Let him continue to use one of my cars now that I caught him steeling one? This will reinforece that there are no consequenses.

3. Or do I just refuse to help him get to work knowing he will just give up and get fired? What will be learned or achieved from this?

I drove him today, but now I am the one being tied down even more because of his choices.

[JKN77]

Plus, when he could see he wasn't going to be able to manipulate me into believing him he said "g... d I hate you, I just want to kill you". I don't think he would, but I just don't know any more.

Have your kids ever threatened you that way?

[vivekananda]

gee stuck between a rock and a hard place... .  

my dd wouldn't say something like that, but my older ugly sister w BPD makes voodoo dolls and stick needles into them and then tries to be publicly charming.   I understand that males often act out differently to females, it is supposed to be one of the reasons that many more females are diagnosed than males. It's socially tolerated that 'boys will be boys', they can be angry and aggressive - it's what they do... .  part of our sad world eh?

Did you consider saying to your ds: so, you have a problem getting to and from work, how do you think you will solve it? See what solution he comes up with... .  

Is riding a pushbike not possible? 5 miles is not too far at all? As long as he is well lit for night times. He could then be doing good exercise and getting fit too... .  

He is an adult now, I don't think you should solve his problems for him. Then he will only blame you when it goes wrong. If he says, you drive me. You can ask what's in it for me? Not quite so bluntly, but how is he going to recompense your time and effort and the disruption to your life. Of course if it does happen, you will need to have clear boundaries in place about time leaving and all the hassles that can then ensue. Remember to protect yourself 

lets know what happens eh?

cheers,

Vivek    

[JKN77]

Yes, I could leave it up to him to solve, and I am still thinking it all out. I know what he will do thou. He will sit on his but down in his room and do nothing. He will not ride a bike, and yes he is physically fit.

I know it is horible to say, but I just want him to get on his feet and move out.

Thank you so much for your replies.

[Kate4queen]

I know the feeling, my now 21 yr old son was supposed to be looking after his younger sister 10 yrs old over a weekend when we were away (his younger bro 19 was there too and his older bro, 23 & girlfriend were there most of the time too).

When we got back it was obvious that he'd had his friends over and they'd been smoking pot and god knows what else in the garage.

When I asked him what would've happened if his sister had needed emergency help when he was supposed to be the Responsible Adult, he first denied anyone had been there with him and then when shown the evidence insisted that nothing had happened so I was just being over sensitive about nothing. He didn't want to accept his responsibility and we never let him look after our dd again.

I used to be scared to come back to the house in case he'd a) had another car accident, b) got another ticket, c) left drug paraphernalia lying around in his room, taken money... .  etc etc. I hated being in my own home and so did my husband and my oldest and youngest. Son aged 19 is unfortunately in his pocket and lies for him when necessary, so I totally get where you are.

What changed?

Well we did.

My husband and I decided to set boundaries about his behavior in our home for ourselves, not for him and he just couldn't handle us trying to 'control him' and moved out to live with friends. We still financially support him but he doesn't get to terrorize us at home and I'm not always worrying that they'll be a cop on my driveway.

Think about yourself and what you deserve.

It might get worse before it gets better, but protect yourself and never be afraid to call 911 if he gets violent.

[JKN77]

Thank you Kate,

I am sorry about your 19 year old. My younger one was following in the footsteps of his older brother too. It was only the fact that we were able to get the BPD one in a RTC that stopped that from spiraling.

I appreciate your reply and am still trying to work the problem.