Continuing dysregulation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

My uBPDh who is also an alcoholic and from whom I am separated but still in a r/s with is still upset.  This started a week ago and hasn't let up.  I think it was a short visit by his daughter on her way to a Spring Break destination that triggered it - her visits upset him for some reason unknown to me.  He's been drinking more - can tell by his voice and he's forgotten some of our telephone conversations from earlier in the week.  I confronted him on the increased drinking but he says I don't know what he's doing since I haven't seen him since last week.  He seems to think people can't hear him slur when he's had too much.  He blamed the increase in drinking on me because I'm a critical wife who doesn't want to see him. 

My boundary is that he doesn't drink at my house or on dates.  I'm not sure what to do at this point, so I'm just backing off for the time being.

I've been working, parenting, and functioning.  Haven't been upset or anything. Kinda numb.

Daze

[daze]

Hello,

My uBPDh who is also an alcoholic and from whom I am separated but still in a r/s with is still upset.  This started a week ago and hasn't let up.  I think it was a short visit by his daughter on her way to a Spring Break destination that triggered it - her visits upset him for some reason unknown to me.  He's been drinking more - can tell by his voice and he's forgotten some of our telephone conversations from earlier in the week.  I confronted him on the increased drinking but he says I don't know what he's doing since I haven't seen him since last week.  He seems to think people can't hear him slur when he's had too much.  He blamed the increase in drinking on me because I'm a critical wife who doesn't want to see him. 

My boundary is that he doesn't drink at my house or on dates.  I'm not sure what to do at this point, so I'm just backing off for the time being.

I've been working, parenting, and functioning.  Haven't been upset or anything. Kinda numb.

Daze

[boatman]

Hi Daze-

I'm sorry your husband still isn't doing well. I know that when my ex is dysregulated I feel quite helpless. I find that reacting enables her behavior but doing nothing drives me crazy. Do you have any thoughts on what you might do, if anything?

[daze]

Do you have any thoughts on what you might do, if anything?

Boatman,

Thanks for your words.  No, at this point I'm not going to do anything.  He is in denial about how the drinking affects him and those around him.  There is nothing I can do about it.  I do plan to attend Alanon meetings more frequently.

His drinking increased and I couldn't ignore it so I pointed it out to him.  Hence, I am critical.  I told him in pretty straightforward terms and I can't undo that.

This weekend I'm just going to spend time with my kids and do some work.

Daze

 

[crazylife]

Daze,

Sorry to hear of your SO increased alcohol use. I dealt with that for a long time but due to some really bad choices made while intoxicated in front of others, he doesn't drink a lot now. When he does bring home a bottle I either suggest he go to a hotel or I leave overnight. Since when I leave I go out and gang bang and entire city of 4.3 million... .  he doesn't drink much. ( I am in constant awe of my sexual prowness ) he has however increased his cannabis use. I can deal with that much better. Plus he doesn't go naked into my daughter's room and pee in her laundry hamper and wake her, then call me every derogatory name in the book when I try to extract him. (She was 17 at the time but still not good)

Keep yourself and your kids safe. Sometimes if you can focus on something else it helps. I have chosen some safe activites' like women's groups etc to get a break, but I also no longer have children at home.

Also a way to help destress and it cost nothing but a little time is EFT, emotional freedom technique.They have a website or you tube works. The cool thing about it is you don't have to believe it works for it to help. I have a friend who is a pediatrician and she teaches kids, even young one to do it and can see results in 20 minutes. Worth a try.

Healing energy sent your way.

[daze]

Thanks, Crazylife.  I appreciate the healing energy.  We are in a holding pattern of low contact.  I've just been doing family stuff, working, going to meetings and therapy, and exercising at the gym.  I feel pretty good.  Took a break from the forum because seeing and reading the posts was depressing me.  Why do we continue in these relationships?  We all have our reasons but geez... .  

We try to talk but get nowhere.  We are not allowed to talk about his drinking because he says I am not in his life and don't know what he's doing.  He wanted me to flake on my Easter plans because his kids went home early.  I refused so I've "blown" another holiday according to him.

Today he called and was talking about the state of our r/s.  I told him it's hard to be in a relationship with a person who drinks daily - guess I need to validate myself now.  He said the problem is that I am high and mighty.  He is a fully functioning adult who works and takes care of his family, etc.  And that I just want to control him.  He is able to work and keep a job.  He is responsible that way.  What he doesn't see is how his drinking affects others emotionally and how damaging it is.  And there is NOTHING I can do to change that.

Bleh!