distinct "stages" or "types" of BPD reactions?

[round]

Hello all,

I'm a lurker who just joined. I'm not sure at this point if it's over for real with my BPD gf, or if this it's another "BPD episode"

We have been dating for 3 months, and about once per month we hit a speed , usually involving her getting angry, her not speaking for a day, a day of slight communication, then a total thaw and some of the most gratifying, soul stirring emotions pouring from her. She is diagnosed, has been in counseling for years, and in all outside appearances seems to have her BPD well under control. We discussed this all, and she was very open about out right from the start.


From this short involvement with her, I have seen both the "bright"  of BPD- the soul stirring emotional outpouring- and the dark- cold, cruel, verbally uses personal information to hurt. To be fair to her, over the last month she has had some intense stress crop up in her personal life, so I was able to justify why she had the really bad "dark" episode.

Friday, we were texting, and I asked her about the distance I was feeling- Monday and tues were amazing, wed was "normal", Thursday she seemed distant. Friday am I sent her a text asking her if she was feeling distant, or if something was up. She got upset, but this time it wasn't the blow up type of reaction I have seen before. This time it's very calm and cold. She said that she can't "do this" any more, that I'm "too needy" and that I've "damaged her trust" too badly. That she has had "warning bells in her head from the beginning" but "she has ignored them and keeps letting me suck her back in".

I'm at a loss. Does this sound like a typical BPD rage? Or the end of our relationship?

It seems that there are 3 distinct "phases" she has- total bright, upbeat, gushing/ total dark, hate, degrading/ and what I am seeing now- cold, calculating, seemingly rational.

If any of you can give any insight to these stages, or your thoughts, I would sincerely appreciate it.

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[Rockylove]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  It really isn't easy.  It does sound very familiar though.  My fiance has such rapid mood swings at the moment that he'll tell me I'm the most wonderful woman that graced the earth and turn around and tell me that I'm a worthless piece of crap an hour later. 

It sounds like she's running scared.  She may call it quits and she may come around.  There's just no telling~~my crystal ball broke the moment I met my BPD   

[123Phoebe]

Friday, we were texting, and I asked her about the distance I was feeling- Monday and tues were amazing, wed was "normal", Thursday she seemed distant. Friday am I sent her a text asking her if she was feeling distant, or if something was up. She got upset, but this time it wasn't the blow up type of reaction I have seen before. This time it's very calm and cold. She said that she can't "do this" any more, that I'm "too needy" and that I've "damaged her trust" too badly. That she has had "warning bells in her head from the beginning" but "she has ignored them and keeps letting me suck her back in".

Hi round and

I'm very sorry that you're experiencing confusion in this relationship.  BPD is a confusing disorder, so unfortunately this can be expected.

Sometimes what makes things even harder to accept, is that there usually is some truth to what our loved ones are saying.

What she might mean by 'she can't "do this" any more', is she can't handle being held accountable for her swaying moods.  It's too close for comfort having somebody recognizing her behaviors to such a degree.  Engulfment.  If you detach too much she will feel abandonment fear, kinda like what you're experiencing now. 

When we're being true to ourselves and living our lives in a healthy way, with friends nearby that we're active with, hobbies we're involved in, family that we're close to... .    our significant others aren't necessarily the most important aspect of our lives.  They enhance it, but they aren't 'it', if that makes sense.  So, if they're acting a little off, we may acknowledge it, ask if everything's okay, but continue to live our lives in a non-dramatic way.

There are specific ways to talk to someone with BPD-- tools available on this site that let's the person with BPD feel heard and understood, yet not confronted and critisized, or held responsible for someone else's feelings/our feelings.

Here are a couple of links that might help clear some of this up a bit:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

Please take some time to read the Lessons on this board. also; they're found to the right of the screen ---------------------------------------->

There is so much to learn here

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

You're not alone in your struggles round, many here are experiencing the very same dynamic as you are right now.  We're learning new ways to cope, heal and be okay within ourselves, no matter what the person with BPD is doing/not doing

I'm glad you've found us!

[whatathing]

Hello,

That seems very familiar to me also. But in my case, the cycle is longer. She could say "I can´t do this anymore", too. In her case, there is another trait that I don´t know if it´s common, and I´d like to ask here too, to anyone who can say if it´s familiar: she says that she doesn´t know who she is, and that she normally lets other people take the lead without affirming herself, and then she feels suffocated. And many times she says that she doesn´t know if she loves me or not, because she can´t figure her feelings out, like if it was too foggy inside her. But when we were feeling great with each other, she said that she loved me too much. She was unsure about me more often than sure.

Is this familiar to everyone, too? Thanks, and sorry to step in your post, round!

[round]

Thanks for your posts everyone.

More extremely negative interactions Sunday. The tone is just different thus time, I actually think we are done. I think it's probably best, as I don't know that I could have the strength and empathy that many of you have, and be able to handle this long term without lashing back at her out of emotion. I have to say, seeing the "highs" I can easily see how hard it would be to get addicted to her. I've never experienced another woman who could fulfil l me as completely.

Thank you for this resource, I'll be on here checking out out more fully, as this has fully caught my interest, but unless things manage to change, I won't have reason to post further.

[Rockylove]

I actually think we are done. I think it's probably best, as I don't know that I could have the strength and empathy that many of you have, and be able to handle this long term without lashing back at her out of emotion.

  It's very wise of you to recognize this in yourself~~it doesn't mean failure, but rather success in knowing your own limitations and expectations for your life.  Your inner strength is at work here.  Standing firm in what you feel is "good" or "right" for your life is healthy~~becoming "addicted" to someone because their high moments make you feel sensational is not.  Take care of yourself and find the partner that can give you what you want and need in a relationship.

[waverider]

Hello,

That seems very familiar to me also. But in my case, the cycle is longer. She could say "I can´t do this anymore", too. In her case, there is another trait that I don´t know if it´s common, and I´d like to ask here too, to anyone who can say if it´s familiar: she says that she doesn´t know who she is, and that she normally lets other people take the lead without affirming herself, and then she feels suffocated. And many times she says that she doesn´t know if she loves me or not, because she can´t figure her feelings out, like if it was too foggy inside her. But when we were feeling great with each other, she said that she loved me too much. She was unsure about me more often than sure.

Is this familiar to everyone, too? Thanks, and sorry to step in your post, round!

This is very common, they recognize their own chaos and want someone else to fix it, but at the same time they dont like being controlled, as that can be seen as criticism and they see that as invalidating. So it is common for them to give you the wheel then be quick to grab it back.

Inconsistency is the world of the pwBPD which also accounts for round's situation. Which can end up in endless recycling behavior, which of course is blamed on everyone else.

[whatathing]

Thank you, waverider