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Author Topic: How to explain my fears she sees as over the top?  (Read 402 times)
pandamama

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« on: March 23, 2013, 08:35:48 PM »

It's one week after 17yo daughter's overdose at school that she says was not suicidal but attention-seeking. We're facing her possible expulsion and criminal charges for possession of pills (rx she took from me), cigs, and a weapon (knife she uses for cutting). She's been in the psych hospital for a week and feels that she has gained huge clarity on her thinking and habits; she said she sees how much more severe other kids are and recognizes that she's not that bad.

So here's the dilemma: We've discussed the new boundaries for her return home in 2 days (no cell or internet, limited time alone, limited access to friends). She's come around to them in that she's not giving attitude or trying to negotiate them anymore, but she says she still feels that we're going overboard. She asked me to explain why our reaction to her self-harm is to restrict her as if punishing her. What I've said to this point doesn't make sense to her. Any thoughts?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Eclaire5
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2013, 04:18:03 PM »

You are in a tough spot and probably anything you explain she will not understand. Try to focus on the fact that she took stuff to school that is illegal to have in her possession  and that she knew better before taking it with her and that is why you are giving her the appropriate consequences for her act. Try to empathize with the feelings she had at the time she was seeking attention and provide emotional support for that.
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jellibeans
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« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2013, 10:59:54 PM »

I might put it this way... . her actions now make you question her trust... . until she can show you that she can be trusted again there will be limits set on what she can do... . I am not sure how you will restore her privileges but maybe that is something to think about... . I am hoping things go well for you and your dd  
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JKN77

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« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2013, 10:03:13 AM »

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. When my son was getting ready to come home from the RTC, he calmy voiced things about the contract he did not like but agreed to and signed it. (I know contracts are different than boundaries but the facility required it and at the time didn't know he had BPD). I made it very clear that certain behavior was not going to be tolerated in the least. He understood.

Once home and back in his familiar surroundings he did OK for a while. But even though we were continuing out patient with the therapist from the facility over skype, he had problems adhearing. Since he was 18 I had to ask him to move out. That has happened twice. He is back home for the second time and things are going better, sometimes, (he had no place to live last time, told me he was sleeping outside - don't believe the outsite bit but I know his friends said enough). I think he finally understands that I mean it and his freinds aren't going to let him mooch so this has been an incentive.

As I posted on this board already, he stole my truck recently and I called him on it. He lied and lied because I didn't catch him in it - red handed. But I told him I knew he did it and that because of that and the fact that he lied, I could not trust him. I think, hope, this has made an impact on him because he is being more cooperative.

As I said, don't know if this helps but I guess my point is she may comply for a bit but expect her to test you and you have to set the terms up front and stick to it or things will go right back.
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vivekananda
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Relationship status: married
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« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2013, 05:58:10 AM »

Hi pandamama, it is not fair that when we try to do the right thing, we feel or we are told that we are being too strict. And our kids are so good at pressing our buttons, aren't they?

with values based boundaries, you return to the value that underlies the boundary. It then is not about whether you broke the boundary so much as about whether you uphold the values.

When she 'abused' her body, she betrayed the value of respect for her body and for you her parents who had to cope with the consequences of her behaviour. Until she can show she can uphold the value of respect, then as parents you are expected to help her do so.

JKN77 elsewhere wrote about writing up the core values in the house and the individual responsibilities of the residents as examples of the values... .   sounds like sense to me. The your dd can see it is not just her who is called to task... .  

gee, it's late, I'm tired. These are only my ideas and they may be a bit blunt. I don't mean to sound harsh, it is such a hard thing to deal with delicate situations. And you must feel tired too with all you have had to cope with.

Cheers,

Vivek     

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