Help with Validation

[Indiana]

I am very new at this, but my wife of 17 years appears to exhibit many BPD traits.

Validation has been suggested, but I would like some advice on exactly how to respond to her.

For example, she does not like our house because it is older.  It is in good condition and clean, but it is an old house   She just texted me complaining that she doesn't want our daughter's friends to visit because our house is a dump.  She is very upset and once again has suggested that there is no hope for our relationship.

How should I reply to her?

Thank you.

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[Rockylove]

Validation has been suggested, but I would like some advice on exactly how to respond to her.

Unfortunately, there is no magic formula~~no exacts because everyone is different and each situation may call for different responses.  BPD is complex and there will be times when your wife may respond differently although you are doing the same thing.

This may not sound all that encouraging, but there is hope!   Take time to read the lessons on validation and I'd highly recommend watching the video (link below) I found it extremely helpful in understanding the concept of validation.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDSIYTQX_dk&feature=youtu.be

As for the issue with your house... . you'll find that many folks here speak of similar issues.  BPD's have a hole that they want to fill and they look for and expect an outside source to fill it.  Validating what is valid is key (I understand that you feel this house is a dump) but not validating the invalid (the house is the source of her discontent).

I hope this helps somewhat.  Validation takes time and it's a learned skill.  Keep practicing!

[Auspicious]

For example, she does not like our house because it is older.  It is in good condition and clean, but it is an old house   She just texted me complaining that she doesn't want our daughter's friends to visit because our house is a dump. 

Emotional validation means validating emotions, not facts (or "facts".

So no, there is no formula, but you might try something like "It's hard having visitors over when you are worried about when they might think of the house. That makes sense."

You don't have to agree with her that they shouldn't come over ... . but you can say - and think - some validating things about how she feels, given how she sees it.

[Allotrion]

Indiana, I was just thinking of starting a similar thread but figured someone had to already since Validation seems to be a very difficult skill.

So I'm right there with you.  Fairly new to these boards, and with very similar issues as you're dealing with.  I recall reading another one of your threads that had me nodding and saying "me too" several times. 

Even the example you brought up in this thread strikes a nerve.  My uBPDw hates having company over because the house is "always a mess" and "no one ever cleans up".  A lot of black and white statements i.e. "never/always" and a lot of degrading/insulting statements.  The kids are not safe from it either. 

Her poor perception of our home has been exacerbated recently because one of her friends recently closed on a beautiful home and posted pics of it.  Mind you, we have a pretty nice place, all things considered.  3 bedrooms, 2 bath apt with a terrace.

I'm having a hard time making validating statements without sounding completely patronizing and fueling the fire.  So I've been picking and choosing my battles carefully.  I will make a validating statement (or at least a well intentioned attempt) when she is calm and not dysregulated.  And when she is dysregulated I’ve been trying to distance myself and not engaging in the argument.  This also has a “kindling” effect on the fire but less so than if I actively engaged in arguing with her and saying the wrong thing.  Which, as you know, is a certainty.

What has worked for me is using validating statements with my sd14 and d8.  I find it easier to practice validation with them because they are more likely to accept it.  I’ve seen an improvement in how sd14 responds to me once I validate her feelings.  It almost soothes her and makes her more willing to accept guidance.  Not all the time, nor most of the time (she’s still a dx teenager after all) but the past week has been a positive one.

Do you have someone you can practice Validation with?  I’m learning that you can validate anyone in your life, not just your pwBPD. 

[Auspicious]

Remember too that there is a whole toolbox full of tools ... . emotional validation is just one tool.

At different moments, different tools are appropriate.