Something I said?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Im having surgery next week to remove precancerous cells from my cervix, I have a high grade abnormality present. Im having it done under general as I have genuine psychological fears around being awake for it due to past surgical trauma. Im also receiving psychotherapy after I had the preliminary colposcopy performed and had a complete meltdown which lasted for hours.

I told the pwBPD, it was booked and could I count on his support. that mainly being moral and or help if I needed it post operatively. he replies ' I don't think so' and I say 'err why?' and he follows that up with 'I've given you plenty' and 'I can't be supportive'

then says some vague weird thing about having healthy boundaries but won't explain what he means, and Im literally sitting here going what is this plenty you did for me? I have no idea!

so I end it by saying fair enough, I'll find someone to help me its no biggie and he just stops talking to me and disappears.

was this wrong? Im struggling to find what part of this is even right. I feel appalled that my worth to him is so low he wouldn't even help to drive me to the hospital.

I must be stupid or something to be putting up with this.

[pixiepie]

Im having surgery next week to remove precancerous cells from my cervix, I have a high grade abnormality present. Im having it done under general as I have genuine psychological fears around being awake for it due to past surgical trauma. Im also receiving psychotherapy after I had the preliminary colposcopy performed and had a complete meltdown which lasted for hours.

I told the pwBPD, it was booked and could I count on his support. that mainly being moral and or help if I needed it post operatively. he replies ' I don't think so' and I say 'err why?' and he follows that up with 'I've given you plenty' and 'I can't be supportive'

then says some vague weird thing about having healthy boundaries but won't explain what he means, and Im literally sitting here going what is this plenty you did for me? I have no idea!

so I end it by saying fair enough, I'll find someone to help me its no biggie and he just stops talking to me and disappears.

was this wrong? Im struggling to find what part of this is even right. I feel appalled that my worth to him is so low he wouldn't even help to drive me to the hospital.

I must be stupid or something to be putting up with this.

[blecker]

I must be stupid or something to be putting up with this.

You are not stupid. None of us are.

We are in the center of an emotional knot that must be untied. It will take time and determination and reflection upon moments like that one you just shared.

Good luck with your operation.

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear about you, having surgery under such circumstances. 

I cannot say why he is like this. What I can say, this is a behavior which I would dislike not only by a partner but also by a friend.

What keeps you in the rs, pixiepie?

Difficult questions, I know. Perhaps first the surgery. Do you have friends or family to be there for you for the operation?

[pixiepie]

@Blecker - thanks for your kind wishes emotional knots is definitely a great descriptor.

@Surnia - I have felt compelled by our relationship and our intellectual connection to remain engaged in contact with him. I have loved him immensely but feel huge dissonance about being in love with a person who is essentially being a righteous prick to me.

I do have good friends and family, my expartner of 5 years who I left for the pwBPD is on good terms with me and without asking offered to help by taking me to and from hospital because Im not allowed to drive and to mind my boys and take them to school that day. I feel very very appreciative of this care even though we are no longer romantically involved. It also saddens me because it highlights that while one person values my presence in their life, the pwBPD treats me with complete and utter contempt like Im rubbish. "I've given you plenty" like we are portioning out a meal and I got more than my fair share only Im standing there and the plate is empty with nothing on it and I feel confused about what this plenty hes talking about consists of.

[Surnia]

Many of us would do what your ex partner is doing! And I am happy you have his support.

I can relate how you feel about it that your pwBPD is not able/willing to do the same. Its probably part of the mental illness. Many members here are having very difficult times when they have health problems, bc it seems a huge trigger for many SOs.

[gina louise]

pixiepie,

I am so sorry you have to struggle through this and your pwBPD is being vague and distant. that must feel awful.

you need all the support and drama free nurturing you can get right now!

Do you have other people you can lean on emotionally? family and friends?

Don't be afraid to reach out. Most folks WANT to help-they just don't know where to start or what YOU need at the moment. Don't be afraid to TELL them!

cancer or pre-cancer is really scary and just hearing the words can leave you anxious and uncertain.

PS

I was treated successfully last October 2012 for cervical cancer with a LEEP procedure and have had no recurrence.

it's NOT fun, but there's hope.

GL

[pixiepie]

Surnia, thanks for your thoughts I braved up abit and asked for clarification about what he said. After initially avoiding me he eventually said he had been tired and grumpy and that he was sorry for going off on one, but there was still no clarification and he very quickly followed up his 'sorry' with more meanspirited dialogue which was very scorching to me. Inside his apology he still did not validate me, acknowledge my surgery or offer me his support.

@Gina Louise Im fortunate to have loving friends. Unfortunately this highlights precisely how awful the pwBPD is to me and leaves me feeling utterly confused about why he chooses to be so revolting, and only to me. I am scared about this operation, Im totally mystified that a person can be so bloody mean when someone feels vulnerable and has a very real health problem present. Its like I am just a pile of rubbish. I try to stay positive, but its very hurtful.