Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
October 31, 2024, 06:19:37 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Tonight
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Tonight (Read 639 times)
Mind
Offline
Posts: 142
Tonight
«
on:
March 26, 2013, 08:23:12 AM »
Today my H tells me he's going to be home early and can watch my youngest daughter while I'm out tonight with my oldest. The way he worded it though was - "Tell me if I can be home with her tonight." I told him I wasn't sure of my plans if I would be bringing her. It was a very bizarre conversation and I didn't care for the way he looked at me or his tone of voice.
I'm heading to the DV center on my lunch to meet with a counselor. Am I required to leave my D with him since he is still living in the house? This is awful how he tries to pressure me into this kind of a situation. Please advise!
Logged
catnap
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 2390
Re: Tonight
«
Reply #1 on:
March 26, 2013, 08:34:18 AM »
Is it possible to take your younger D with you? It may be the safest course and lessen your anxiety. A good question to ask at the DV center.
Logged
Mind
Offline
Posts: 142
Re: Tonight
«
Reply #2 on:
March 26, 2013, 08:42:48 AM »
I am going to ask them today. I typically do take her with me. I have a feeling this is going to trigger him. I could tell this morning by the look he gave me since I didn't reply to his text. He can ignore my texts but when I do it's a different story. I also need to file the DIR still and I was hoping to do this tonight and bring my D to my Dad's for that hour, if need be.
I guess my question is do I have to leave my kids with him? And, now, he's written something on the calendar about the kids going somewhere? next week with his parents and they got ticket for some performance? No details. No times. Hasn't informed me, made the plans definitely to get back at me. He's off next week for break and I will be working.
I am so uncomfortable with all of this... . He can be so pressuring and controlling.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18438
You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...
Re: Tonight
«
Reply #3 on:
March 26, 2013, 09:49:42 AM »
This was my experience... . Keep in mind it was high conflict, your situation may be different... . I was the one working - she claimed she "worked from home" - and I of course was just the father, not the Mother. While we were separated but before I had filed for divorce she started blocking all father-child access. I never found a time she left our preschooler anywhere since she had her own schedule, didn't use a daycare and son wasn't in school. The police refused to help me see our child nor accompany me for a peace visit, I was told I needed a court order in hand before they would step in, though I was also assured (warned) that if I went to her residence to see our son and she called the police then they would respond immediately, presumably to protect her from a dangerous situation.
After a month of blocking I filed for divorce. Nothing changed because I still had no order. I had to wait nearly two more months to finally get to visit with our son a few days after our hearing in family court. The magistrate knew I hadn't seen my son for 3 months yet saw no urgency for a father-son reunion, in fact she asked for an extra day's delay since she wanted to take our son to an out-of-town event the next Saturday and so the magistrate delayed the reunion by 26 hours to accommodate her. Maybe in his mind he reasoned I had been blocked 3 months and if I was going to have to wait for my newly scheduled upcoming weekend then what was another day and two hours?
This may be how your court could see your parenting choices, that without a court order in place then you can pretty much do as you please, as happened with my uncooperative spouse. Then again, maybe it won't. It's hard to say in advance.
My point? Do what you feel is right and reasonable for you and your children. You don't have to respond and appease his every demand. Yes, he's trying to make you out to be blocking or unreasonable. But the court is not likely to scrutinize your every decision or choice, especially if you're just continuing your typical schedule and pattern. I think. So don't seek confrontation but on the other hand appeasing could send him a message that you don't have firm boundaries and he will push even more.
Right now you're probably encountering what we have termed an
extinction burst
, where he's been triggered and is demanding more and more control in order to get Compliant Spouse back where you were and as you were before.
Logged
Mind
Offline
Posts: 142
Re: Tonight
«
Reply #4 on:
March 26, 2013, 11:06:35 AM »
He just texted me, "Please let me know if you are taking our D before 3." This is bizarre. He never asks or cares. I feel very pressured and I am just about to head over to the DV center and will bring this up. He was so threatening and nasty the other day. Now he's so nice? I don't buy it.
High conflict is exactly what this is, ForeverDad. Every. Single. Day. with this man is high conflict. I'm so sorry to hear how yours treated you with your son. I still to this day can't imagine treating people as poorly as these people do.
I've heard of the EB. I'm not going backwards this time around.
Logged
marbleloser
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1081
Re: Tonight
«
Reply #5 on:
March 26, 2013, 11:29:29 AM »
Just in case he's keeping all of the texts for use in court,be calm and polite.
Logged
Mind
Offline
Posts: 142
Re: Tonight
«
Reply #6 on:
March 26, 2013, 11:31:27 AM »
Yes, everything I write is always calm. Do I have to reply?
Logged
marbleloser
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1081
Re: Tonight
«
Reply #7 on:
March 26, 2013, 12:03:09 PM »
I would.Just be cooperative.For one,you'll keep the drama to a minimum this way and two,you prove that you're a cooperative parent.
I do understand the feeling to not reply.You're still walking on eggshells.Let go of that power he holds over you.
Once you file,then you can choose to communicate by email only,and take your time responding if needed.
Logged
marbleloser
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1081
Re: Tonight
«
Reply #8 on:
March 26, 2013, 12:06:09 PM »
Also,until you have PO,your H has equal rights to the kids under law.If you leave them somewhere and he goes to get them,the person who has them can't stop him.That would be custodial interference.
If you do get a PO,and you feel he is a danger to the kids as well,include the order for the kids also.Otherwise,the PO will just protect you.
Logged
Mind
Offline
Posts: 142
Re: Tonight
«
Reply #9 on:
March 26, 2013, 08:25:17 PM »
I texted him back that our D can stay home. I got home and he starts calling the kids sweethearts in his fake cheery voice that I've only heard the past few weeks. Then says he's taking my daughter out. He didn't give details so I asked. He was vague - said he's taking her out and maybe to dinner. I got home and he never said a word as to where he took her.
He cannot communicate healthy with me about the kids. He is using them clearly to get back at me because he knows like any mom, I want to know where my kids are and that they are safe! He is nasty. These games have to stop!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Tonight
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...