I'm the other woman?

[hell0kitty]

We had a weekend of events and BF's D7's school this last weekend.  BF and I volunteered a ton.  We made decorations, I made a ton of goodies for the bake sale.  For two days I hung out with the bake sale ladies having a good time, chatting, joking, laughing, etc.  It was very nice to get to know the ladies at her school.  Then, I mentioned someone that made one of the mom's put 2 and 2 together and said, "Wait, who is your daughter?" I said, "Actually my boyfriend's daughter goes to this school her name is D7." 

The mom's expression dropped and she said, "You are HER? Well, I'm friends with BPDex." and then she just turned her back to me and started to pretend to be on her phone and all of the other ladies walked away and refused to speak to me for the remainder of the evening.

All o these women have to be in their 40's or 50's. It was the weirdest thing ever.  Very Junior High drama. 

I stuck around and acted like nothing happened, and kept trying to keep the mood light, but was met with a lot of ignoring and eye rolls. 

Apparently, I'm the younger home wrecker who stole my BF away and ruined her life.  Even though the real story is that they were broken up for over 2 years when I even met him him, and she did the breaking up. 

It sucks being on the outs.  I can usually come up with a good one liner to break the tension, but these women were determined to oust me once they realized I was "That woman".

What would you have done?  I'd prefer to not be a pariah at my BF's daughter's school. But he and I have made a point of never speaking badly about BPDex in or around the school. How to counteract in a productive way without talking bad about her?  I don't think I could handle another bake sale like that. 

[DreamGirl]

((hell0kitty))

That sucks.

I wish I had a cookie cutter answer for you. If you do X,Y,Z then all will be fine.

The best way I dealt with it is that I don't address it head on by taking the initiative and defending myself. I just kinda hold my head high and show them who I am thru my actions... . which are so very different then her words. I smile a lot and won't ever, ever, ever talk about their Mama.

My stepdaughters' Mama has often times painted me up to be an awful person to anybody that will take the time to listen to her. I let her have that fantasy because I just don't want to waste my time dealing with those who are so quick to judge me based on her words. Even Warshak advises that you don't deal with these actions by actively fighting/defending yourself, or disparaging the other parent... . but instead to just keep "proving" yourself otherwise.

Don't engage. Ever.

I've had so many of the girls' friends' Mamas come up to me and tell me that I'm nothing like she said I was. Admit that they felt ashamed for ever believing her and in turn, treating me poorly. My most validating moments when her Mama and her sister told me how sorry they were... . along with two of her closest friends. All telling me they should have known better.

It still hurt to be ostracized.

I also know that my stepdaughter's Mama just can't help herself. She has to put me down and triangulate everyone around her to regulate her own "stuff".

Hardest thing I ever had to accept... . the unwarranted need to smear my name.

I'm actually a pretty cool lady. Those who love me know that best. Who needs those other catty ladies anyways?

~DreamGirl  

[Thunderstruck]

That is frustrating and seems pretty immature. I've seen 20-something chicks do this, I'd expect better from 50-somethings. It'll blow over, just give it a bit. If they really are good friends to the pwBPD then they may not ever like you (nothing personal, it's a loyalty thing). But fear not, from what I've gathered these BPD's can't keep friends for too long (they're incapable of the give and take required, it's usually just take-take or manipulate) so then these ladies will eventually have to make up their own minds about you.

Keep your head up, keep a smile on your face, and always always always be nice. Your actions will overshadow her words.

I've been painted the "homewrecker" to my SO's family (via the uBPDx) too. I'm just doing my thing and letting them see that she is spitting out jealousy and I'm a good person. But just like everyone else on the planet, they can choose to like me or not. My world will still go on.

[mamachelle]

Hi Hell0kitty,

So sorry you are going through this.

I don't have that problem from NONH 's BPDexw because my NonH is residential parent and moved into my school district and 2 of the 3 SS were in preschool 6 years ago.

However, I can say before I remarried... . as a divorcing then single mom, I did have problems with the PTA/PTO and girl scout moms at times. I was in 3 different school districts and settled into the third one when my oldest DD was in 4th grade. I continued to have problems after I remarried as well because I represented what other mom's were scared of and yet secretly desired 

I found many of the moms to be scared of my ability to divorce and work and support my 2 DD. I found as I got to know these moms many of them were very unhappy in their marriages and I was a threat on multiple levels. Not only was I single and pretty good looking but I had the nerve to not be miserable.

At any rate, I could go on and on about me.

As for your story... .

PTA moms are often cliquish.

I prefer to hang with the single moms or moms from other countries or the mom's not from super wealthy perfect homes.

As your SD gets older, these women will matter less and less as these PTA things peak around 2-4th grade and then drop off as the kids want to go to the events less and less.

I would if I were you, volunteer for classroom things rather than PTA events where there will be a lot of standing around like bake sales.

Field day or class reading mom, or art mom, or field trips might be easier.

I think as DreamGirl says, that you will soon find that BPDbioMom can not maintain her martyr status. Especially since she is about to have another baby (out of wedlock right?). Eventually these moms will realize she is a little off, unless they are so off themselves... .

Take care,

mamachelle

[DreamGirl]

As for your story... .

PTA moms are often cliquish.

I prefer to hang with the single moms or moms from other countries or the mom's not from super wealthy perfect homes.

As your SD gets older, these women will matter less and less as these PTA things peak around 2-4th grade and then drop off as the kids want to go to the events less and less.

I would if I were you, volunteer for classroom things rather than PTA events where there will be a lot of standing around like bake sales.

Field day or class reading mom, or art mom, or field trips might be easier.

You know, this is such a good point mamachelle!  

You're going to have this dynamic really anytime you throw a bunch of women/moms into a room together. Have you not seen any of the Real Housewives series?  

You'll find stay-at-home mom's judging the working moms and vice versa, married moms/divorced moms, participating moms/non-participating moms. We all judge each other, it's what we do.  

I had my oldest son when I was 17 and I lived in an upscale neighborhood (an apartment) simply for the better school district. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Imagine my kindergartner's school functions where I was a 23 year old secretary trying to mingle with Doctor's wives. I used to sit all by myself because we had nothing in common. They didn't particularily care for me and it had nothing to do with the pwBPD in my life.

They judged me in all my young, inexperienced, bleach blond, tight fitting jean, out-of-wedlock having, single motherhood glory. I judged them too ~ miserable, botox-injected, condescending, wanna-be-socialites that they were.  

By the time your kids reach high school? Doesn't even matter. My son is 17 and I swear, we've all grown up.

[GreenMango]

Not trying to make light of this at all HelloKitty... . you got some great advice from others.

Yet I'm totally picturing a reality series here... . PTA mom.  It would be insane.

Continue to act with integrity.  A few will come around when the see who you are, and the others aren't worth the worry.  Snarky and smug who needs it?

[AnotherPhoenix]

HelloKitty,

I know that hurt a lot.     

I have found that while there are some who won't leave your H's BPDex's side, others will start to see what is going on, particularly if you keep attending and being yourself. I am willing to bet that some already are getting glimpses that what your H's BPDex is saying.

I was surprised by how many people don't really believe what my BPDex says, or think that she has problems she's hiding. I'm finding out that even those who put on appearances about believing my BPDex, aren't as solidly behind her as they say.

Hang in there. I know it hurts.

AnotherPheonix   

[ennie]

So many dynamics at play here... . the bias and fear about step-moms, fear that the "younger woman" will take their man away that makes them identify with your BF's ex, plus BPD projection and stories... . making up a story that makes her the sympathetic character. 

I am SM to two girls, SD8 and SD12... . and have been with my DH6 years.  My experience has been that after 6 months to a year, BPD mom's biggest advocates tend to be her biggest critics.  So many parents have approached me to ask how it is dealing with her rage and mental illness, and have offered me their support.  But it does take time. 

While I think it is important not to get tangled in a defensive attempt to counter her negative talk, I do think it is important to let people know that there is another story.  With only one story, people tend to believe the facts even if they distrust the messenger.  When I have not had a charge about these issues, I have addressed them directly; when I do, I have had other people provide information to important third parties.  While the PTA moms may not be important enough to go to that trouble, I think that with a BPD person who is creating a fictional reality, the truth is an important backdrop to set in place in the school, with therapists the kids may have, etc.  When I am upset about this stuff, people tend to read things as a BM/SM issue, rather than totally false information being provided by one party; so then it works better to have people who know me and trust me and DH be our advocates.  Just as long as you and BF do not get caught up in the drama, which is totally ridiculous.  Also, at least with our kids BPD mom, after about 6 months to a year, people catch on to what is true no matter what she does or says.  So hang in there, but do figure out a way to set the story straight without a charge to important people. 

I want to give as an example of why that is useful our story of what happened when BPD mom decided to make a false allegation of abuse against my DH's mom.  She knew the teachers, we had spoken with teachers about what had happened in the past, and the T knew DH's and my story.  DH tends to not talk about this stuff.  But when the allegation came out, the teachers believed grandma, not mom, and believed us.  So grandma was able to keep coming to school and was included even more in school events, though there was an active CPS investigation... . also, the therapist was contacted by CPS and she conveyed some critical info about mom's psychological evaluation. The result was that the CPS dropped the investigation with a minimum of harm to the relationship between grandma and the kids, and between the school and grandma.  We had allies who were fully aware in all quarters. 

When telling our story to a person in an important role, or just other parents, I have made sure to either wait until they approach me, or to find just the right time. I also make sure I am in a place where I feel compassionate about BPD mom--when I do not, I just do not call people back who want to talk about BPD mom, as it is too stressful when I feel that way.  If I do feel like I get why mom is who she is and understand she is doing her best, and that the kids love her and want me to love her, I can talk with folks and let them know how it is for DH and I, who are trying to be loving, but are getting blamed and having false rumors spread.  People usually get it. 

But to try to contradict somoene who has bought into mom's victim story and is already an advocate really does not work, in my experience.  I just try to remember "the harder they come, the harder they fall... . ", and instead of telling my story, I save it for later and later ask those who have made the flip from advocate to antagonist to go easy on BPD mom, and rememember that their good connection with mom is what will make the kids be able to stay at that school, which is best for the kids. 

My SDs have been at the same school for 4 years, and only now is the general "word" out that mom is mentally ill, loves her kids the best she can, and should be included and loved but not trusted.  This is sad, but true, and it was a combination of patience and communication that enabled people to come to this conclusion... . many friends going to the principle and asking her not to hire mom based on their own experiences, many times of mom raging in public and DH and I "being nice," many time when we held our tongues and waited. 

The last thing I want to say is that the VERY WORST experiences were when we said nothing, and let mom talk and talk all year... . the result in the two of 6 years we did this was nearly the same... . DH was totally alienated from the class in the first part of the year, and then the teacher blackballed mom at the end of the year, so the kids did not come to school often, and ended up missing class and doing poorly in school.  The other years, it was at first uncomfortable to talk to teachers and others about the relevant truths and challenges, but we encouraged their awareness and acceptance of mom, though mom is inconsistent, while making sure not to believe mom and alienate dad.  The best years were when this communication happened to teachers, a few parents, and therapists early in the year, and in a nice way... . and then we dropped it and DH and I just participated regularly.  The result in those years was that the teachers and parent friends of mom were more able to cope with mom's later crazy behavior, and also were less likely to exclude dad, so when mom later pulled away, Dad could still bring SDs to events, connect with friends. 

Finally, the most important thing is the kids' well being... . mom may try to alienate SD's friends' parents from BF and you, but later, they will realize she is lying and will not want to be her friend, if she is anything like the BPD mom in our life.  So many of SD12's former friends will not play with her because of her mom, unless it is at our home or when she is with us.  So we need to keep up those relationships, so SD12 does not lose her friends when they decide her mom is not stable.  So in my opinion, it is important in a gracious way to maintain connection with these folks, if you can do it while feeling good an not getting too hurt.  When this role is too much for me, I leave it to DH who has a thicker skin than I do... . but we have maintained a good friendship with the parents of the kids best friends even when mom is rejected by their families, and this has been important to the kids. 

[newlymarried]

When I first moved into with my husband, BPDexw smeared me all over the complex. No one would talk to me for more than a month. They started to see how I care for SD4 and how DH and I were to each other. They started to approach me when they realized that BPDexw was never going to pay back the money she borrowed (stole) or get the booze or drugs she used. When we 3 moved out of that complex, I had a Mom come up to me and tell me how glad she was that SD4 was going to the park every day.

When they get to see how you care for kiddo, they will come around; most will anyway. The one that won't come around like the crazy and you don't need that in your life.



I have been there and I can tell you it does get better.

[Free One]

The best way I dealt with it is that I don't address it head on by taking the initiative and defending myself. I just kinda hold my head high and show them who I am thru my actions... . which are so very different then her words. I smile a lot and won't ever, ever, ever talk about their Mama.

It think this says it best. The situation does suck, it's unfair, it hurts... . it's NORMAL in regards to dealing with pwBPD. It is tempting to defend yourself or try to get others to see your side, but it's pointless in a BPD smear campaign. I do also agree it can just be part of the dynamics of a PTA or any other large group of women like that. Thank goodness you are mature enough to see their immaturity for what it is!

"When men speak ill of thee, live so as nobody may believe them" - Plato

[hell0kitty]

Thanks so much for all of your great responses. You are right, of course, I will not charge head on, and just continue to be my normal happy self, and eventually they will come around.  It was funny, one of you mentioned how people late come apologize for believing the BPD.  We've already seen that with people who rallied to her side several years ago when she was crying DV, those same people, over the last year, have come to my BF and told him they were sorry they ever stood up for her, and they now realize how crazy it is. 

I just wish there was a perfect one liner I could have said in that moment when she said "OH, I'm friend with BPDmom."

I though saying "I'm sorry?" would be inappropriate. 

[ennie]

I often thought of snotty one liners after the fact in this situation... . but what i almost always said in real life was "That is great.  I know she is having a hard time right now and could use the support" or something like that.  I am really grateful that I DID engage to some degree, because it has strengthened my sense of community.  But I engaged with compassion, not playing into the catty 7th grade style.  But letting people know that I am a caring person, that I am safe.  This has been important for the kids in feeling good in their school.  One of the biggest things DH and I were able to communicate was how important it is for the kids that people not just reject mom when the truth becomes clear.  This was particularly important with teachers.  It is not just about people coming to see the truth and us feeling vindicated; communication can help people to support BPD mom in ways that benefits the kids in the long run.  Feeling like everyone hates your mom is not really the greatest alternative to having everyone believe your mom when she tells lies about dad.  There is a bigger picture here, and it involves helping the community that the kids are a part of find a place for mom.