To Get My Closure... Or Just Get Hurt Again?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've over 3 months NC with my exBPD after a big fight. His last words, "I love you, please know that." Then... . nothing. Neither of us has reached out.

My current job (4 hours away) is ending soon after two years away from him. Finding this out has sent me whirling. I miss our hometown but I know that a big part of that is wrapped up in HIM.

I'll have to choose soon between moving back and getting a job there... . or perhaps moving somewhere farther away.

I guess 3 months of silence from him SHOULD be all the closure I need... . but the anger has ended and I'm left with a feeling of needing to know if this IS it. And if he is gone for good... . no hope of our mutual healing and no hope of a future.

My urges to reach out are strong. I still have a few of his things and that alone is motivating me to send an email telling him that I"m preparing to move... . would he like his things back or should I just get rid of them? Honestly, throwing them in the garbage would be too painful.

I worry that that is manipulative. Using his stuff as an excuse to contact him... .

On the other hand I could just email and say that I hate how things ended... . and just say "hi."

Yes. Hearing ":)on't ever contact me! I'm with someone else!" would be painful... . but I would know... . and not move away always wondering... .

Conversely, going through another "honeymoon"... . moving back... . and running the risk of NOTHING changing... . would also be bad.

I could really use your advice.

My brain and my heart are at war.

[RedCandle]

I've over 3 months NC with my exBPD after a big fight. His last words, "I love you, please know that." Then... . nothing. Neither of us has reached out.

My current job (4 hours away) is ending soon after two years away from him. Finding this out has sent me whirling. I miss our hometown but I know that a big part of that is wrapped up in HIM.

I'll have to choose soon between moving back and getting a job there... . or perhaps moving somewhere farther away.

I guess 3 months of silence from him SHOULD be all the closure I need... . but the anger has ended and I'm left with a feeling of needing to know if this IS it. And if he is gone for good... . no hope of our mutual healing and no hope of a future.

My urges to reach out are strong. I still have a few of his things and that alone is motivating me to send an email telling him that I"m preparing to move... . would he like his things back or should I just get rid of them? Honestly, throwing them in the garbage would be too painful.

I worry that that is manipulative. Using his stuff as an excuse to contact him... .

On the other hand I could just email and say that I hate how things ended... . and just say "hi."

Yes. Hearing ":)on't ever contact me! I'm with someone else!" would be painful... . but I would know... . and not move away always wondering... .

Conversely, going through another "honeymoon"... . moving back... . and running the risk of NOTHING changing... . would also be bad.

I could really use your advice.

My brain and my heart are at war.

[Surnia]

RedCandle

sounds like a challenge. 

Seems like the job issue brought you back to a longing to reach out for him.

I've over 3 months NC with my exBPD after a big fight. His last words, "I love you, please know that." Then... . nothing. Neither of us has reached out.

So in a way its not officially finished.

Perhaps you have to ask yourself first: Am I done with this rs or not?

[RedCandle]

Surnia, thank you!

Yes, this job thing has become a HUGE trigger for me.

I always wanted to get THIS far with No Contact and I finally did it. I thought that by this point I would be moving on fast and furious or completely indifferent to him.

That's NOT what has happened. The anger is gone... . and now, so are the walls that were keeping me away.

So clearly, I'm not done emotionally. To my shock, I'm far more emotionally attached... . STILL... . then I thought.

Leaving and living with the "what if" may eat me alive... . but I risk less exposure or heartbreak (potentially)

Hearing "I don't love you anymore, leave me alone" will cause heart break... . but would let me KNOW that moving back with ANY hopes for "us" would NOT happen and so taking a job further away is made easier.

Going through another honeymoon/break-up and moving back just so he can leave again... . would be awful but I truly love our hometown and I think I could find happiness in it without him.

I can't believe I have to go through all this mental gymnastics just to decide if reaching out to a fellow human being is treacherous!

Ugh!

[RedCandle]

What do I want?

I want what everyone here wants... . a cure for BPD.

What do I want in this situation?

I want to have clarity over reality versus wishful thinking.

I took this job 4 hours away to run AWAY from him and the pain. That decision costs me another 2 years of saddness in a city and job that I loathe.

I'm at the crest again to make a change. I will leave here... . but I'm clearly still in love with him. I'm in love with a sick man and I'm scared to death that I will either walk away from someone I love or walk right back to someone who can never love me.

yeah, it's "just" an email to see where he's at? See what kind of response I get? No. Is not. We all know it's never "Just" an email. There's a lot riding on it. My healing. My future. My sanity. Our future. Together or not.

[Surnia]

RedCandle

Love is one thing and it is okay. Love is not enough for a relationship. I spent my whole life so far to find out.

You know this article?

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Other possibility could be a Good-Bye letter you write for yourself and not send it.

Keep posting here, we are here for you.

[laelle]

He cant be the one to give you closure.  Its emotional maturity on your part that will have to do that.  Do you want to live your life as Satis said, because its all true.

I love my ex too, but I would always be bitter and would wither away into a shell of the person I am if I allowed him to take all the good stuff and not allow me to have any needs or a voice.  Even if I could I would still get split, devalued, projected, mirrored, and raged at.

I mean its like asking a person if they would like to be punched in the face repeatedly?  I understand how you feel.  I have been there for 3 years and then finally the light bulb went on.

Its not you.  there is nothing you can do to change him.  Move on with your life.  He can not give you what you will need in the end.

[momtara]

"On the other hand I could just email and say that I hate how things ended... . and just say "hi.""

I say, do it.  Closure is a good thing.  It may end up hurtful; he may be mean or tell you he moved on, but do you want to spend years wishing you'd said this?  Better to say it all now.  Just write several drafts of the email first so you have said all that you need to say.  If he sucks you back in, do what you feel is right but have an escape plan.  It is not manipulative at this point to manipulate a manipulator.  He has hurt you emotionally and you have the right to feel better, rather than feeling for the rest of your life that you didn't get closure.

[motherof1yearold]

I have to share something painful with you: BPD's do not GIVE closure. It is a way of CONTROL and abuse. Do not go searching for it as much as you may want to... I'm sorry it has to be that way but that's the way they operate. No closure. Only hurt.

I'm so sorry.

[Hurt llama]

As usual the quality of the posts here is incredible! I wish I started here sooner and took advantage of the brain trust and even shared my own ups and downs which has proven to not be something I can share with too many friends or even strangers as they don't get it and really shouldn't get it... and all that does is make me feel like something is wrong with me (clearly there is!).

I'm moving in a direction of the best 'closure' I will ever get. That means accepting and acknowledging and even respecting and loving my ex, all the while knowing that love is not enough. Not even close to enough. And the definition of love or more accurately 'mature love' means most people are really incapable of certain behavior or more accurately, maybe capable (I'm no angel btw) but have the other emotions that can keep us in check. Such as guilt, shame, remorse and knowing that it's just not nice or good to hurt other people. I know that sounds polly anna ish.

There are some amazing people on this forum. The advice here is just invaluable. I'm a rookie, novice but I will chime in that the closure that you seek (and I have sought) will not happen or not in a way that ever will fill you enough, in my opinion, until you are ready.

So many posts are so similar... . some of us are new here, share our terrible stories and even great stories and say we are done and then post questions like "Is sending my ex a ring a bad message?" (I have to laugh, rather than cry!)

[Hurt llama]

I have to share something painful with you: BPD's do not GIVE closure. It is a way of CONTROL and abuse. Do not go searching for it as much as you may want to... I'm sorry it has to be that way but that's the way they operate. No closure. Only hurt.

I'm so sorry.

Agreed but on the same token, there is closure that is possible as I have had with my rebound gf, who put me through an even worse hell that hurt me as deeply... It was almost a practice experience, the minor leagues to prepare me for the ultimate letting go and gaining the knowledge that I have behaved in ways that I am proud of, (even knowing I hurt her back pretty hard).

Closure can and will happen but it can be perilous for some, to the point of desperation as I have read here. Yet I am a firm believer that it is possible and will happen and after 'x' period of time, if you do the work and connect with your own weaknesses and part of the insanity, it will happen.

It's about damage assessment too. I recently met a really nice woman... . really a catch... we hit it off after randomly meeting, went to a few places, just amazing... Then the next day I texted her and a few hours later I still didn't get a text back and I was really sad and felt some of the same old emotions... . I was ready to delete her number when I saw... . the text didn't go through. I recent it and she replied immediately.

This was a cheap easy way to see how I am definitely somewhat damaged from this whole experience.

[motherof1yearold]

I have to share something painful with you: BPD's do not GIVE closure. It is a way of CONTROL and abuse. Do not go searching for it as much as you may want to... I'm sorry it has to be that way but that's the way they operate. No closure. Only hurt.

I'm so sorry.

Agreed but on the same token, there is closure that is possible as I have had with my rebound gf, who put me through an even worse hell that hurt me as deeply... It was almost a practice experience, the minor leagues to prepare me for the ultimate letting go and gaining the knowledge that I have behaved in ways that I am proud of, (even knowing I hurt her back pretty hard).

Closure can and will happen but it can be perilous for some, to the point of desperation as I have read here. Yet I am a firm believer that it is possible and will happen and after 'x' period of time, if you do the work and connect with your own weaknesses and part of the insanity, it will happen.

It's about damage assessment too. I recently met a really nice woman... . really a catch... we hit it off after randomly meeting, went to a few places, just amazing... Then the next day I texted her and a few hours later I still didn't get a text back and I was really sad and felt some of the same old emotions... . I was ready to delete her number when I saw... . the text didn't go through. I recent it and she replied immediately.

This was a cheap easy way to see how I am definitely somewhat damaged from this whole experience.

You are right, with some BPD's it is possible. Just like a small percentage will accept a possible BPD diagnosis.

[momtara]

It doesn't matter if he 'gives' it or not... .   you are the one who wishes you'd said this.  So say it.  Just so you always know you did!

[RedCandle]

Geez, I am completely and utterly confused as to what to do. Seems some think this is a good idea... .   others... .   no.

I keep telling myself that no MAJOR changes could occur within 3 months.

I keep telling myself that I'm just going to get sucked back in.

I also keep telling myself that thinking about this CONSTANTLY and WONDERING is ALSO not good... .  

Let me be honest... .   an email asking about returning his belongs/key/etc is simply an excuse to see how he is and where he is at. I DON'T want to be manipulative... .   but I'm just being honest.

I guess if it all goes to hell. I can still walk away with my head high and not do mental gymnastics over it for years... .  

Any advice on how I should word this?

[momtara]

I don't think the answers are so conflicting.  Some of them are saying that he won't GIVE you closure.  However, I think the reason to do this is to give YOURSELF closure.  Otherwise you are clearly going to wish you'd tried, and said some of these things.  Now is the time to say this.  And don't worry about the manipulation.  So what if it's an excuse to see him?  We all do things like that.  It's not like you mean him any harm.  You deserve this chance.  I think it's good for you emotionally.