Do lots of those with BPD's cheat?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I keep reading stories where the person with BPD cheats... . is this really as common as it's seeming?  It makes sense with the impulse control. 

At first, I was happy to find this place and felt hopeful.  The more I read, however, the more I'm ready to move from trying to make it work to running like hell... .

[Aptigo]

I keep reading stories where the person with BPD cheats... . is this really as common as it's seeming?  It makes sense with the impulse control. 

At first, I was happy to find this place and felt hopeful.  The more I read, however, the more I'm ready to move from trying to make it work to running like hell... .

[Hurt llama]

Mine never 'cheated' in the classic sense of the word but she was seeing me and another guy at the same time in the first few months and it was a traumatic even to say the least that this was even possible considering how I felt towards her and she towards me... It was a long distance relationship, not that it should make much difference.

We got back together and were exclusive and she never cheated but she did go back to that guy almost instantly when I ended the engagement (long story posted elsewhere).

I see her rarely now but she was in my city weeks ago and stayed with me... . I didn't know she was still with her (new) bf and using fights wtih him in where they 'broke' up as the "justification' for her indiscretion.

In fact what she is doing to that guy right now by sleeping with me, is very similar, to how she treated me in the beginning...

When she was here she had a business meeting with an ex and when asked if she would try again wtih him, she didn't hesitate one second and responded "if you are out of the picture, it could happen. why not, I've known him a long time. (there's more to this crazy story elsewhere.

the long and short of it is that from what I have been reading here, it seems my xBPDgf is more loyal than most. And that is a chilling thought.

[GreenMango]

It doesn't take BPD to cheat.  Some couples can repair their relationship after a transgression of this kind, others can't.  But, chronic infidelity can be a relationship killer.

Aptigo maybe give some thought to see if it was a one off thing or it's serial infidelity and what you need in a partner.

[crashintome]

Mine cheated on every girl she was with, multiple times.  Heck, I was "the other woman" for months.  She told me she is a cheater because she gets "bored."  When she would talk about it, it felt like she justified her actions by blaming her partners because they didn't make her happy enough.

[Whichwayisup]

Good point,

Mine hasn't yet cheated (to my knowledge) but I have got that impression simply as the her emotional focus has turned so much to friends in a constant support manner but the irony is that she knows if she did she would have broken what was probably my only real boundary in hindsight - she knows she can effectively end it but hasn't yet.

She has been neither promiscuous nor suicidal, but pretty much all other traits apparent, just an hour ago I was blamed for not getting out of bed early enough to let her take her turn from working night shift- I haven't told her not to come to bed, but as she fell asleep on the settee- I acknowledged her upset whilst being clear in my own mind how ludicrous the whole situation was... .

[Mightyhammers]

Ill probably never know now, but I have my suspicions that she has done. A lot of things just didnt add up when we were together, and even before we got together I wasnt too sure of her boast that 'Ive never cheated on someone and never will'

[recoil]

Mine didn't that I know of.  I never got that vibe from her.  I do think she swings from vine to vine though.  I knew she ended a relationship shortly before talking to me.

Toward the end of ours, I felt she was withdrawing from me and spending more and more time on  her phone.  My gut told me she was about to swing to another vine. 

That's why, when she asked for a break (but we wouldn't see other people), I walked away.  Was I fortune telling?  Mind reading?  I don't know.  But I knew I was done.

[Ruthy2]

No mine didnt cheat either and has not started dating anyone new any of the times he has ended our relationship.

From all the reading Ive being doing about BPD it appears some types are promiscusous and move in and out of relationships and other types of people with BPD steer away from sex and relationships.

x

[Aptigo]

Thanks for the feedback - good point on the last one - I guess mine is more into avoiding intimacy than anything, so maybe i'm safe from at least that heartbreak.  So many things don't add up, his behavior doesn't make any sense, and he went from being practically a sex addict to marginal interest, but then we are 40 now, and most can be explained from the BPD. 

I'm so sorry to read all of these stories.  I'm WAY too sensitive to ever be able to handle infidelity - that would really kill me.  So many people tolerate so much pain for love... .   there really is so much wrong

[artman.1]

Yes!  Married near 45 yrs.  She has cheated in past, and since she has denied all Intimacy for the last 36+ yrs, I am not sure if she has since or not.  If we are not Intimate, then I am not sure if it matters as long as I do not know about it, but since I saw her cheating I have not been able to catch her since.  That happened when her Sister talked her into filing for a divorce from me.  She never knew I followed her and saw her in our car with another guy, going at it.

     I have never cheated, but have been Blamed and she has Projected that on me.  I have another post about the intimacy issue on the Undecided board.

Art

[VeryFree]

Mine didn't cheat: I'm 99.9% sure of that.

I also think she will not rush into a new relationship fast.

[pixiepie]

mine has. relentlessly with every single GF he's ever had, probably the worst with his fiance who he says he loved the most. He has cheated on me probably 9 or 10 times, 5 or 6 times in the first month we were together, and by that I mean with 5 or 6 different women but my pwBPD is also an alcoholic and a sex addict (in recovery for both issues)

[Hurt llama]

It's weird that I cannot envision a BPD man! I know that's ridiculous and this is all said tongue in cheek... But I have accused my exBPDgf more than once about 'acting like a man'... I know that sounds nuts... but the way she was acting with all the while dating me and someone else wtihout my knowing was like a bad guy!

I know I have just insulted all the women and members here!

It's just a mind bender to imagine what a male BPD would look like... . sounds like many of my friends... . (joke!)

[pixiepie]

 @hurt - He looks like a charming well dressed man whos very good at his job, robust build, abit of a jock, smart, funny, intellectual and well spoken. He makes you think you are incredibly important... . but never MORE important than he is. But you don't mind because you love him. He will tell you about his past traumas and you feel sorry for him, looks at you with a sort of dumb innocence that makes you want to take care of him... . seems naive and sexually inexperienced... .   but thats all a red herring. I didn't even know BPD was predominantly female till I came on here, I find it hard when everything refers to 'her' when I have a 'him'.

[VeryFree]

@Hurt llama - He looks like a charming well dressed man whos very good at his job, robust build, abit of a jock, smart, funny, intellectual and well spoken. He makes you think you are incredibly important... . but never MORE important than he is. But you don't mind because you love him. He will tell you about his past traumas and you feel sorry for him, looks at you with a sort of dumb innocence that makes you want to take care of him... . seems naive andxuallinexperienced... .   but thats all a reherring.didn't even know BPD was predominantly female till I came on here, I find it hard when everything refers to 'her' when I have a 'him'.

Dangerous description. Not to critisize you, but to stand up for all those charming, smart, funny, well-dressed,  well-spoken men (not me  ) that aren't BPD.

I think a lot of men fit in to it, but aren't BPD.

There are two things in your post to look out for: "never more important then him" and Trekd herring"

[pixiepie]

the point was he blends into a crowd. he doesn't look different, I know plenty of charming good looking men who are not BPD.

[VeryFree]

I understand. That's the big danger: at first you do not notice anything special, except for the positive things. But then the small fire will start unroll you're in the middle of raging hell.

[Hurt llama]

When I first had the shock of my lifetime early on as I had (and she had confirmed) I met truly a partner I didn't even dream could exist... And without a question of a doubt she felt the same exact way.

She did tell me very early on about this intense fear of abandonment... and she would criticize me over small things and keep me off balance and vaguely uncomfortable. As I fell into really the deepest love of my life, this is 5 years after a marriage that lasted 17 years, I got enmeshed in problems in her life and I learned of a horribly abused and truly disturbing on the deepest of levels, childhood. She presented and presents incredibly well. Tall, attractive, smart, well dressed and the passion and sex was like nothing I ever experienced. A month or two into it, she got a call from some random guy. I immediately asked with zero suspicion who that was and she explained he was just a friend and his father had just died... Something inside of me didn't feel comfortable... I am extremely sensitive and almost psychic in my feelings that are very rarely wrong and I expressed just a small amount of not really liking it and she replied, "You should see him"... As if he were so repulsive I wouldn't feel threatened... I didn't feel good about this but it wasn't worth a second thought.

I went to see her again (long distance) right before Valentine's Day because I could wait... we had a terrific time and I told her I loved her, not an easy thing to say and again... . the smallest of voices told me her response didn't add up... She is very pretty with gorgeous eyes and I honestly don't remember what she said.

When I returned home and then one month later i told her I sent flowers to my daughter and she absolutely flipped out how I could do that and not send HER flowers in Valentines Day... Long story short, many months later I discovered she had slept with that man on that day... . conveniently, his birthday... . I think she celebrated my birthday the next month by sleeping with him again.

Finally in April she disappeared for two days and I was telling a close friend about it, minus any details and he simply said, "She's cheating on you. Fact"

And it slowly hit me and I confronted her on the phone... The 'funny' part is I wasn't as upset about the act as she had told me that I could and should find sexual release if I wanted but just don't tell her (um Red Flag?)... but I was in control until she started defending her action saying, "Why is it ok for men to do this and not women?"

The dread, the hurt, the pain from this, as many of you have experienced was possibly the worst feeling I ever had... . Actually by far... I wept like a baby... I could not imagine this... . I kept texting her and one odd thing about her is that she is not really a liar... she has her special ways but lying is not one of them. She told me she was with him... . and rather than walk away as I would have easily in the past, I guess I was challenged and I easily 'won' her back but this man was her go to man whenever we 'broke up' which happened a couple of times.

It's so odd to compare all of our stories and how she matches up on so many ways and doesn't in others... Def not a classic cheater. No way.

My story is long and I am posting it bit by bit to hopefully help others and myself in keeping a bit of a journal to refer to as I am not completely clear yet.

I finally was convinced and certain she was a Sociopath... She fit the bill almost perfectly except finally after reviewing the entire relationship, she didn't actually ever benefit by hurting me and she hurt herself much more... I think the test was how she has always been trustworthy in financial matters... that was the thing that finally got me into reading about BPD, her daughter has it and so does her twin sister.

My reading seemed to indicate (not confirmed) that something like 85% of BPD people are women and a similar number of Sociopaths are men.

I often thought of her behavior as recently as two weeks ago of coming here, sleeping with me and me finding out she indeed was ending her relationship wiht her bf but she slept with him within a day or two of coming home.

She has done this sort of thing a few times. Sleeping with me and then a bf either the day before or the day after.

And I have tried to think of my own partners and how I have done similar things (no longer... can't handle that) and tried not to be "judgmental" and almost 'sexist'. In other words I was almost excusing her bad behaviour by thinking... . a guy can do that and it's ok and not a woman (which oddly were her original words to me years ago)

My post last night about how I have trouble imagining a male BPD (this is a bit tongue in cheek) has made me wonder about my own ability to be sexual with one woman one day and another in close proximately but the real difference is I don't and never was a cheater and am not in a relationship, and for her to it's really completely different... It's more of a reaction thing and she undoubtedly has let me know one way or another what she was doing. Her shame is something that she keeps locked down and secret... and if you go there and try to address it... . you are met with frosty stares and comments such as "I am not going to say what you want me to say. Focus on yourself. To thy own self be true"  Gee thanks. Thats really helpful!

Interesting stuff...

[momtara]

Mine never did and never would.  He was pretty straight-laced.  He wasn't into drinking or drugs either.  He has OCD, so he is too afraid of diseases and stuff to mess around.

But he has the circular conversations, abandonment issues, black/white thinking, and a host of other BPD traits.

You're right, a lot of stories on here are about cheating.  It made me feel lucky... . but I have 2 kids and there are other reasons it's hard to stay with my husband.

[mikewbpdwife]

Cheating can happen to just about anyone from one time to another. Be it straying (due to neglect) to lusting (fantasies) to real infidelity (betrayals). Whats matter most is one logically wouldn't cheat if his/her thinking morally inclined for the benefits for his/her family. What matters is one would think of the consequences that would be doing to our family. So if its true that BPD doesn't have empathy, do you think they would think for the family. Read up on the traits of BPD and it would be like how we are going to stop them from cheating... .

[hithere]

Lots of people cheat in the general population and I think a higher percentage of people with BPD cheat, for many reasons:

-Many have NPD or those traits

-They have an altered view of reality, so they can re-write history easily blaming someone else

-They like to have their next victim ready and waiting so they are not alone.

- They don't experience empathy, it makes it easy for them to live with themselves as cheaters.

I see a lot of people on this board saying their person with BPD cheated and lots saying they had only emotional affairs or they probably did not cheat, I think many of these people are in denial.

[Dawning]

My father , ud NPD/ BPD did cheat and was always flirting. Most likely due to being raised by him, I landed 3 times in a relationship with udBPD/ NPD men. The first was my ex husband who seamed very loyal, but after 11 years and 5 kids, he cheated and left me. Nr. 2 cheated  and nr. 3 too. Nr. 3 was he worst, he was very clever and a master manipulator.

[sad but wiser]

Yeah, a lot of them do.  And they project it on to you.

[Vindi]

mine told me he cheated, on his ex wife, while they we're married,, cuz he "thought" she was cheating so he went out and had sex with some woman.

Our relationship, has had "emotional cheating", which in a way can be just as bad, he wanted to have sex with a girl, and i found the email, he apologized up and down and of course i forgave him.

So yes, mine has cheated in one form or another.

I think it has to do with their self esteem, the feeling of being wanted, and hurting the person they are with, very selfish, i see alot of selfishness in my pwBPD

[expos]

I know, for a fact, she did not cheat on me while we were married.  But in college, she bounced back and forth between two guys because one of the guys was seeing someone behind her back and she just didn't care enough about him.

I once dumped my ex-wife very early in our dating phase.  The very next weekend, she went to a bar with a friend and made out with some guy.  She claims she was drunk.  I found this out on my own, and I dumped her again, and she came crying back to me.  Huge

After I asked to divorce, she found a guy a mere two months afterwards.  She could be lying to me, I have no idea who it is.  But whatever the case, I'm still reeling from the divorce and she's already moved on.  I'm disgusted by her actions.

They simply cannot be alone for any amount of time.  My wife is most likely classified as transparent BPD - no sense of self... .   she needs others to fill the void.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Mine did, we were friend's with benefits for 7 months, dated for 2, and was a couple for about 2 1/2 months. She is high-functioning pwBPD, and we had never had an argument period, but in a moment of impulse control when I didn't invite her over soon enough one night she went out and found another guy. He's more her usual type: sleazy, dumb, white trash. I'm a stable, compassionate, caring, sweet guy, and she would tell me this is what she liked so much about me, I was so different from all the men she has been with. I didn't find out till about 3 weeks ago when I saw her FB profile and she had posted a pic with him. I messaged him on FB to let him know she was putting me in a holding pattern while she needed time to think If I was ready to be more involved with her 2 kids. Even though she got mad and flustered (flew into frantic abandonment mode and chose him) she wasn't really mean to me at all, and I actually made her choke up when I told her that I had planned on spending the rest of my life with her. I know she didn't do this to hurt me, it was just a product of the disorder. She was not mean to me at all the entire time I've known her. I'm still very in love with her, she told me not to contact so I'm honoring that. I'm hoping she doesn't get hurt by this loser, and reconnects with me. But only time will tell.