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Author Topic: Dilemma- Should I say NO?  (Read 689 times)
Thursday
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« on: March 29, 2013, 05:42:47 AM »

I'm never big on asking advice, more of a DIY sort of person. There have been times I have stubbornly, actually, done it all by myself.

My S/O had an accident on a job site and has a broken knee. This happened a few weeks ago and he had a surgery to repair the break a week ago. Until the surgery we were in limbo but we've gotten past the hardest part and are in a routine now and he is finally feeling confident to do a few more things for himself but until day before yesterday I was pretty much doing it all and not able to sleep all night due to his middle-aged-man-bladder (up at least once per night to use bathroom).

I am tired folks! Some of you may remember that my Mom died in October, I was with her for her last month which involved intensive caretaking.

BPDSD has not been keeping very close touch with us. She has come over when asked (and part of coming over is that she is unemployed and broke and my S/O (her Dad) gives her 20.00 for gas whenever she does an errand for us. I can't do it all... . typically I would have insisted that he not ask her to do the errands if he felt like he had to pay her the 20.00... . but I literally (amazingly) simply am spread too thin. I have my own business and have to work in addition to caring for him and keeping our home running smoothly. Also, I am still working on my tax return and clearly need to finish going through my shoeboxes full of business receipts soon, tick-tock.

So, my dilemma began yesterday when SD called. She currently is couch-surfing/sleeping at her GM's home when nobody else will put her up. She surfs the couch of a former roomate. For the last few years SD has spent Easter with her GM and extended family from that side of the tree. Last year I had suffered a heart attack a few weeks before Easter and honestly don't remember what we did that day. In 2011 SD was living at her sober house and spent the day with her sober house "family" and before that she went on a cruise with the extended family. But when she called yesterday it was to inquire if we were "doing anything" for Easter and asked if she could invite the girl who hosts her Couch Surfing for Easter Dinner if we were doing anything. She also suggested that if we didn't have something planned it would be nice if we could plan something because her friend didn't have anything to do and SD feels sorry for her.

Previous to the phone call S/O and I had discussed Easter but had not arrived at any conclusions. I had told him I was tired and hoping we could simply have a meal at a nice restaurant if he was up to it (we just had a wheelchair delivered to make this even possible) but he pointed out that it would be crazy time to eat out for Easter dinner (busy restaurants, lots of diners) with him in a wheelchair with his leg sticking straight out in front of him. I agreed (hadn't thought about how difficult it might be to accomidate his wheelchair presence if restaurants were busy for Easter... . do people eat out for Easter dinner?) and we talked about just having a simple, non-holiday style dinner and that we would ask SD to join us if she didn't have other plans. We had not had a chance to invite her when she called with the request to have the friend join us.

I didn't really want to cook the simple dinner and invite SD (my life is always easier when she isn't involved... . but if I'm cooking anyway it's no big deal to include her and I"m fully aware that we need to keep trying with her ). Was thinking that she and her Dad could spend some quality time together and that she could give him some much needed help in moving plants out of our greenhouse (many of the plants are too heavy for me to move and obviously, he can't do this... . this needs to be done soon or we will lose plants once it gets hot... . this is a hobby of ours and we also sell orchids and other plants to supplement our income... . do this a few times a year with good results and since S/O still gives SD money now and then (he HAD stopped but the knee injury... . see above) and he still pays her cell bill and car insurance it isn't out of line for me to feel like she SHOULD help with the greenhouse project) but if she invites this friend (never met her) it involves more than just an easy dinner and a chore.

I don't want to bore y'all with details of what I will have to do to honor SD's request but to give an example... . I haven't washed S/O's hair since Wednesday and if we are having company, he will want me to wash it again. ... .

and as I write those words I feel something rising up inside of me... . SD simply doesn't understand that this is asking too much of me. She is clueless as to what life is like here in taking care of her Dad (she does understand what I do for hm as she is an unemployed CNA but she can't put together that this is in ADDitiOn to my job and all of the work normal people do to keep their homes going (and she doesn't get that now I'm doing his chores too... . she doesn't get this because she doesn't have any of these responsibilities herself) She doesn't understand that I dust for company when I might not dust for family. Not sure that S/O gets this either. He will tell me "just don't dust" but I don't want my Mom rolling in her grave.

S/O hasn't talked to me yet about the phone call. He did make a comment that he can't believe her "crazy request" but I don't think he was exactly worrying about me in this situation, it was more about her worrying about the friend not having something to do for Easter... . and her expectation that we would open the doors to our home to celebrate Easter. I had already made her an Easter basket before this happened to her Dad... . and I'm the sort of hostess who would go out and get more Easter Basket makings so that her friend won't feel left out.

Double crud.

I'm hoping that S/O will tell me we are saying no. I think though, he heard me say I would make the easy dinner, he will think it's no big deal to invite SD's friend, won't get that I will want to clean the house more, that his request to wash his hair might push me over the edge and that I'm tired of SD and her entitled attitude and well... . my attitude about being a cheerful caregiver might just fade a bit over all of this.  

We COULD push his wheelchair into the Mexican restaurant we like. (but first, going to have to clean out his trunk so that the wheelchair will fit in it, his horrible hoarded trunk... . to even be able to do this idea and just the idea of cleaning out his car's trunk is making me even tireder. He will NOT allow SD to clean out his trunk. I know him... .

And I can feel this conflict building in my head.

Sheesh, I'm tired.

Any comments &/or advices?

thursday


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« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2013, 06:42:54 AM »

Could you respond my telling SD that you would love to have her and her friend however with everything going on it would be very hard.  Maybe you could suggest that she could come and assist you with making a nice dinner. Forget about the house, the dust, the Easter baskets just have dinner.  Maybe even you could ask her to be in charge of making the dinner.  Let her help you shop for what she thinks she would like to make and then allow her to take over.

Is this possible at all?

Griz
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« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2013, 07:00:00 AM »

If you really don't want to do this, and it doesn't sound like you do.  Then perhaps this is a moment you recognize you need for yourself.  That entertaining others is simply not possible.  It's ok to be selfish every now and then to take care of ourselves, let me correct that, it's not selfish, we NEED to care for ourselves in order to care for others.  Be kind but express your need to keep it simple and that you simply cannot take on that extra stress of a holiday dinner at this time.

Good Luck.
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« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2013, 08:24:17 AM »

Thursday,

What a huge amount of work you are accomplishing! 

Could the basket be made into 2? 

No easy answers... .

Reality
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« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2013, 09:31:03 AM »

Sounds like you really don't want to do the Easter thing... then you shouldn't.

However a compromise might be if you order the food from your fave restaurant for you and S/O  then invite your SD and friend over for a specific time for desert. 
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« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2013, 10:30:13 AM »

Sometimes, as much as we want and need to say no, we suffer more grief from having said it.  If this is one of those times then I suggest (as Griz has said) forget the dust, baskets, everything.  For once, don't live up to your usual standards.  You don't have to impress some stranger.  If your daugher notices that things are slipping then good.  You are not Super Woman.  Order pizza or Chinese food, eat, and then put everyone who is able to work moving plants.  You'll have an extra pair of hands.  Maybe you could gift the friend with a plant for helping.  That's a nice touch. 
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« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2013, 11:03:23 AM »

My first thought is to go ahead and have her and her friend, but ONLY if she will help you shop for the food, prepare dinner and they will both agree to help you clean up afterwards!  That is what we have started doing with BPD 13 y/o DD when she wants to do something - yes, you can go to the skating rink if you get your room cleaned up and clothes put away, yes, we can go early to softball practice if bathe the dog for me first, things like that.
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« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2013, 02:19:20 PM »

Lots of good suggestions for possible solutions.

Reframing our thoughts can sometimes help.  

It's about the relationships more than dust, plants, or Easter baskets.
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« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2013, 04:58:17 PM »

Thanks everyone, for replies.

I am considering several scenarios right now. S/O is sleeping now. I just ran to Target where I purchased three tiny tin pails with Easter themes from the Dollar Spot at Target. The candies I already have can be divided into three "Easter Pails". (I liked the making one into two suggestion, Reality-I am making one for the little girl next door too so it's two into three). I'll save the cool baskets I already bought for next Easter.

One of the areas where my SD struggles is in the kitchen. I spent a lot of time with her between 14-18, hoping to get her aquainted with doing some simple meals. I didn't have much success. If she were to offer or suggest making a dinner I would be very pleased that she had taken initiative and would allow it to happen, would facilitate it. To suggest it as a condition to her inviting the friend and then to have her exhibit a bad attitude is nothing I wish to inflict on myself. This has been a pattern in the past.

I know that the advice to be "easy" about things is solid advice but there is a level of stress for me, to have a stranger to my home when it is cluttered or the floors have dog hair that needs to be swept. I know myself enough that I won't be able to be relaxed if there are things I can do beforehand to make the house look better and I'm just so exhausted from caring for S/O and keeping things going for my business- I don't want to exhaust myself but know I will if I know the friend is coming with SD.

I've asked my S/O if we can please host this shindig away from the house. He hasn't committed but told me he thought it was a good idea.

I would also like for SD to understand that she can't just snap her fingers and I will jump. I feel taken for granted, don't think she is thinking of me at all and she certainly has her moments of entitlement. I don't want to encourage this but I don't want a confrontation right now, don't want to field any problems.

I do want to do something for Easter. I'm glad SD is thinking of her friend and not wanting to leave the friend on her own for a holiday. I've certainly had extra bodies at holiday meals before and normally I would just rise to the challenge and be gracious.

This is different- I am bathing S/O, making every bite he eats, moving his immobile leg for him about seven thousand times a day, pulling his pants up after he goes to the bathroom, running all of his errands, running all of my errands, tending a veg garden and a yard full of plants and new sod we put in right before he got injured (this was supposed to be his job but he can't do it and if I don't water the yard the sod will die), tending two large dogs, tending S/Os reptiles/amphibians, running a business, and trying to work on my taxes.

I feel super grumpy that SD asked for a home cooked meal for a stranger instead of asking if she could help me out.

I am feeling even grumpier that I am worried about any of this.

I like patty's advice too. I wish I could be less ME in order to have that sort of attitude! Drink a mint julep and boss everyone around. LOL.

S/O wants SD to help with the plants without having a friend involved. He knows she will be harder to get work out of with a friend around. We need the work done. I don't think he would be comfortable bossing around a stranger and I he would want to be in charge of this project as it is more his deal than mine. We really don't know much about the girl  SD wants to bring over at all. Sometimes the people SD brings around are harder to deal with than she is.

We'll see. Right now I need to go and feed the dogs and move the sprinklers.

Peace!

Thursday

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« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2013, 08:44:46 PM »

Thurday -   

Yes, your life is totally exhausting, even just to read it, much less live in it. What is the recovery path for SO? How long is he off his leg? Is he getting fiananical assistance from his job with this - maybe even with some of his personal care as a respite for you? Sorry if these questions are too personal, no need to answer.

Do you have the financial ability to buy some help with the garden, yard, greenhouse, etc. during his recovery? Can you hire someone to do your tax return this year? I have done that in the past - even sorting through the box of reciepts - as an accountant (previous life). Can you think of any other things that someone else can do for you?

It is so very hard to ask for help (and not from SD) when we are so used to being in charge of it all. This might be an opportunity to LET GO of any expectations around SD. I would not be the end of all possiblities for your connection with her to say no about any company for Easter. Does SO get to have the veto power here?

Deep breathe, Deep breathe. Be kind to yourself, even if in some small way, before you go to bed tonight. And let us know how things are going.   

qcr  
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« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2013, 07:30:15 AM »

Excerpt
What is the recovery path for SO? How long is he off his leg? Is he getting fiananical assistance from his job with this - maybe even with some of his personal care as a respite for you?



He is in a leg brace and on crutches, stitches out in two weeks, then he can shower. It will be two months before the doctor adjusts the leg brace so that he can begin moving his knee but this will involve physical therapy. At that point he might be able to sit in the front of the car (as opposed to sitting with his leg straight in the back seat.) He will be out of work for four months as he is a field inspector and he won't be able to drive until the brace is off. Workman's comp is paying 80 percent of his salary, he has enough sick leave accumulated to cover the rest of his salary.

We asked about home health care through workman's comp. It takes quite a bit of time to arrange such things and by the time they got someone over here to bathe him, he will be able to shower.

Excerpt
Do you have the financial ability to buy some help with the garden, yard, greenhouse, etc. during his recovery? Can you hire someone to do your tax return this year? I have done that in the past - even sorting through the box of reciepts - as an accountant (previous life). Can you think of any other things that someone else can do for you?

S/O has hired someone to mow the front yard (sodded area is back yard) and do edging and raking and sweeping. We have a huge live oak that sheds in the spring and it is going wild dropping leaves right now. I would not feel comfortable hiring someone to do my taxes. I think your advice is great, to think of other things that someone else can do for me and S/O besides SD.

Part of what is going on is that if I even think of something I need help with, S/O automatically thinks we need to call in SD ... . this is most likely due to how much help he got from my DD two years ago when I was on my back for several months after an abdominal surgery. S/O does understand that asking SD to do things can sometimes backfire and end up to be more work than the work we get out of her. eg- (and this is typical) When I had that abdominal surgery for a few weeks of my recovery she was still living with us. S/O had to work and my DD had a job interview so before he left for work he woke up SD and asked her to keep an eye on me for a few hours. I could walk but it was difficult and fixing myself something to eat was very hard so I asked her to heat up some soup for me. She put the soup on the burner and left the house ( stoopid me, I had only asked her to heat it up, not to stay with it, put it in a bowl and bring it to me) and by the time I figured out that she was no longer in the house the house was filled with smoke from the burning noodles. So, I had to open windows, pull out the fan, plug it in, etc. This is a very typical thing with her and frankly why I wouldn't ask her to fix dinner for Easter, as a few here suggested.

The day S/O went back to his ortho, the follow up appointment to his surgery, I asked him if he could call SD and have her drive him. He didn't want to have her do this. He was afraid she would screw it up (his words) and that he would miss the appointment. He does like for her to do work for him but only if he can supervise, keep her on task and troubleshoot things she might get herself in a jam about.

Excerpt
It is so very hard to ask for help (and not from SD) when we are so used to being in charge of it all. This might be an opportunity to LET GO of any expectations around SD. I would not be the end of all possiblities for your connection with her to say no about any company for Easter. Does SO get to have the veto power here?

I typically give S/O veto power about his DD and try not to interfere in any way if he wants to be with her. I always include her, invite her, etc. when it is pertinent. In this situation, since I have pretty good intuition about eventualities with SD, if I say NO to her inviting her friend, she will be angry. The truth is, she isn't comfortable coming over here to be with us. She prefers to have the buffer of a friend with her... . she brought a friend to the emergency room when S/O first got hurt (he needed her to pick up his car at the job site where he was hurt as he went to the hospital in an ambulance and she came to the hospital to pick up his keys.)

She will feel like we bent to her request about the friend if we eat at the Mexican food place but she will be angry about the choice of cuisine. I'm not worried about that though.

She asked about the Easter invite on Wednesday but we haven't heard from her since. It is completely possible that she has since gotten an invite by someone else... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... . and I don't need to worry about this anymore. It will be sad for S/O if she isn't coming over... . we have experienced this many, many times.

Thanks for listening to my whining!

thurs  
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« Reply #11 on: March 30, 2013, 06:47:58 PM »

Thursday -      WHINE   

I will wrap your whines with my hugs anytime. You have certainly listened to mine.

qcr  
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« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2013, 09:55:14 PM »

Thursday - how was your Easter? Thinking of you.

qcr    
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« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2013, 09:29:13 PM »

Easter went very well. We ended up going out, S/O really enjoyed the change of venue. SD showed up late and blamed it on the friend. The friend was appreciative of the little Easter Pail, loved the silly little plastic chicken shaped like an egg that I put in the pail. SD sort of glossed over the pail, but her thank you was nice.

She stayed on her phone most of the time. The friend said something to her about it. This is a friend of hers from AA and this girl seems a bit less immature than SD, maybe a good influence. This girl moved another AA girl into her place, this other girl SD doesn't like (boy issue) but SD seems to be tolerating this set-up fairly well, which is good especially if she can maintain a friendship with both girls, something she has struggled with in the past. SD sleeps on their couch a lot and I assume is on good behavior to the other girl in order to have a free place to crash and to maintain her relationship with the girl who came for Easter dinner. New skills?

We had some good moments of conversation over dinner and best of all no bad language!

S/O and I went home afterwards and had a quiet "rest of the evening".

Why don't we always eat Mexican for Easter? Guacamole seems very Easter-ish to me... .  

Thursday
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« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2013, 03:46:20 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  qcr  
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