So confused and unsure what to do

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I am not even sure where to start except to say that my DBPDH, I think has driven me to the point of NO feelings or even NOT wanting a life with him. We have been married for almost 4 years, together a little over 5 yrs. There's no doubt that even in the beginning there were  s that I did see and should have let go. But you know when you connect to fall for someone it's really hard to just let go. And I guess I would admit that I tend to be a fixer... . of course something I continue to work on. I can only change or fix me! Over the years that we have been together there's been many times of separation and reconciling. He has actually went into a spiritual based facility for treatment. That did give him a deeper spiritual bond but when he got out eventually it was like that was just a temporary thing. He has always been somewhat spiritual but still very hard, cold and non compassionate in many ways. He has dealt with alcohol and drugs before me. We have dealt with gambling, porn... . anger, him leaving going to hotels and getting drunk. Then feeling remorseful and wanting to do better. Fast forward to now... . he recently had a very bad eposide and drank and stole our neighbors vehicle because he didn't have a way to go anywhere. Of course he was arrested and charged. He is pending a court date. Supposedly was going to his Mother... . when he took the vehicle. He got out and got a really good job (always seems to do that). He decided he needed to go get evaluated because of his actions.  He was diagnosed and was given medications. He seemed to be doing well. Until this past week, and he started saying things like all his money went into us and he was always last. Admited he was having a desire to drink via text to me while I was working. Then just quit texting. I was concerned because he wouldn't reply and of course he thought it was no big deal. So yesterday, he leaves for work and doesn't come home. He calls like really late and was drunk. Only said what you doing and hung up. Came home at 1:00am. So I left for work this morning as usual. But I feel so numb. He had my mothers car that she was letting us use because his job is in a different area. I just want to be done... . and need some feedback here. I realize he is always going to deal with the alcohol, I guess it's am I willing to accept dealing with this or not. And my answer today right now is NO! Any feed back is appreciated. And don't hold back. I need honest answers from the outside.

[dmiller]

So I am not even sure where to start except to say that my DBPDH, I think has driven me to the point of NO feelings or even NOT wanting a life with him. We have been married for almost 4 years, together a little over 5 yrs. There's no doubt that even in the beginning there were  s that I did see and should have let go. But you know when you connect to fall for someone it's really hard to just let go. And I guess I would admit that I tend to be a fixer... . of course something I continue to work on. I can only change or fix me! Over the years that we have been together there's been many times of separation and reconciling. He has actually went into a spiritual based facility for treatment. That did give him a deeper spiritual bond but when he got out eventually it was like that was just a temporary thing. He has always been somewhat spiritual but still very hard, cold and non compassionate in many ways. He has dealt with alcohol and drugs before me. We have dealt with gambling, porn... . anger, him leaving going to hotels and getting drunk. Then feeling remorseful and wanting to do better. Fast forward to now... . he recently had a very bad eposide and drank and stole our neighbors vehicle because he didn't have a way to go anywhere. Of course he was arrested and charged. He is pending a court date. Supposedly was going to his Mother... . when he took the vehicle. He got out and got a really good job (always seems to do that). He decided he needed to go get evaluated because of his actions.  He was diagnosed and was given medications. He seemed to be doing well. Until this past week, and he started saying things like all his money went into us and he was always last. Admited he was having a desire to drink via text to me while I was working. Then just quit texting. I was concerned because he wouldn't reply and of course he thought it was no big deal. So yesterday, he leaves for work and doesn't come home. He calls like really late and was drunk. Only said what you doing and hung up. Came home at 1:00am. So I left for work this morning as usual. But I feel so numb. He had my mothers car that she was letting us use because his job is in a different area. I just want to be done... . and need some feedback here. I realize he is always going to deal with the alcohol, I guess it's am I willing to accept dealing with this or not. And my answer today right now is NO! Any feed back is appreciated. And don't hold back. I need honest answers from the outside.

[Surnia]

Alcohol abuse is issue on its own and with mental health problems its even worse. I think it is something important for you to accept that this will be always an issue living with him. We often tend to deny it or overstep it - "its not a big deal" - or we are living with hope - "next year he will be sober".

My T said to me that alcohol is a very underestimated drug in our culture.

Any severe addiction is a huge burden for a relationship! After 3 rs in a row with alcohol addiction its for me a strong  and a NO. 

[dmiller]

Thank you Surnia. Yes, it's so funny because someone in my past, I refused to even deal with that issue with them. But with my H now, I have been willing to live my life with him knowing he has the addictive personality in so many areas. It seems if he isn't dealing with one he is another. (if that makes sense) I know that he is always, always going to deal with each and every one. Thanks and I think I truly have a decision to make... . am I willing to live this way or move on... . for me. I am just so disappointed and I feel like I should know by now it's going to happen. I guess it's like, I feel there's NO HOPE! It will always be this life... . not knowing what will happen next. Thank goodness we have no kids together just our own and they are older. Even though I know it effects each and everyone no matter the age.   

[dmiller]

The part I think I failed to mention was it seemed what triggered this was My oldest daughter is upset with me for staying with him when he was arrested. She hasn't allowed us to see my grandkids and that's not normal. So he was talking about how his actions bring bad things in my life and how I would be better off without him. But honestly, I would! So when we realized that she was actually upset and doing that he just kinda went into... . awfullness.  :'(

[blecker]

Find an Alanon meeting and attend.

You will find you are not alone.

It will help you make the decisions yuo have to make.