Fear that they are better with the new partner...

[clairedair]

I've been thinking about this last few weeks.  My exH was very quickly involved with someone else after last split.  He very quickly told friends and family about her, introduced her to kids etc.  He's just got engaged to her and they are due to marry in two months.

There's been more detachment and whilst I recognise that this is in large part to my own, long overdue, detachment, he has not been in touch or lingered in my house as much as he used to.  Not saying this is a bad thing - my 'anger stage' has lasted a lot longer than usual - but I do find myself questioning whether he's finally found someone to trust, respect, love in a way that he couldn't sustain with me. 

He seems calmer and happier and although this is helping me because he is staying away, I find myself struggling a bit with this today.  Probably because we were together at a parents' night thing and the shared pride in our child meant a bit of a connection and now all my feeling good about not wanting anything to do with him is starting to fade a little.

[sad but wiser]

Nah!  It is just that wonderful, initial stage.  She is a perfect, white angel and you, actually are inconsequential anymore.  Neither black nor white.  Just invisible.  Time to build your new life.  How about doing something you always enjoyed doing that he never, ever wanted to do with you? (at least after the first year)  This is not time to salve your wounds with a new partner just to prove that you, too, can find someone else.  Of course you can!  That isn't the point.  Live big, laugh again, love the heck out of your kids!  Enjoy just living.  It is the balm for your anger/pain.

[marbleloser]

He's in the honeymoon stage.Of course things are just peachy at that point.You and I know,it won't last.It depends on how far his new gf lets him push her,as to how long they make it.His void is being filled at the moment with a shiny new toy.It is no reflection on you.

I bet after he seals the deal with marriage,he allows his other side to be seen.

[trevjim]

This always and still does plague me, mine even said to me not long after jumping from me to him " I dont know what it is about [name], he just seems to relax me"

this really bothered me as without the BPD, she would be some catch!

He's in the honeymoon stage.Of course things are just peachy at that point.You and I know,it won't last.It depends on how far his new gf lets him push her,as to how long they make it.His void is being filled at the moment with a shiny new toy.It is no reflection on you.

I bet after he seals the deal with marriage,he allows his other side to be seen.

This sums it up well, I think I always tried to keep my boundries and stick up for myself, where as this new guy is, without meaning to put it harshly, a loser, and she is even more out of his league then she was mine in terms of looks, so I think he will let her walk over him more than I did without standing up for him self so he will trigger her less, But as marble says, eventually everyone has enough and then the real self comes out and then they will have problems again.

[sad but wiser]

Marbleloser - Are you psychic?  Because very soon after marriage is when mine showed... . oh yeah, they are all the same.  

[marbleloser]

"Marbleloser - Are you psychic?"

Yes... . yes I am.!

Not a psychic,but I've studied personality disorders until I feel like I  deserve a degree.

And I've lived it.There's no replacement for experience.

[mango_flower]

Hi Claire - I think I've posted similar before.  And I got some great responses.  One that stuck out was that even if by a miracle they DO make it work and stay together, it will NOT be an easy ride!  The new gf will be having a lot of bumps in the road and dramas to deal with... .

As you know, for the last 4 months (literally after leaving me) my ex has been with somebody new and they got engaged about 6 weeks ago.  I agree with the others that marriage or engagement is when the BPD kicks up a notch - we were only engaged 3 months before I noticed any behaviours. And then they escalated when I ignored them and didn't pander to her.

It seems that the same cycle is starting with the new girl - they still seem very happy together, BUT I've just been facebook stalking   and all does not seem well - my ex was writing how she was absolutely gutted that her new girl is working away (for literally 3 days per week or something), even though she has ALWAYS done this from day one.  And she has been posting how it's not fair, life sucks, and she has just burst into tears.  Completed with comments from her new friends saying "We'll sort this" and "We'll keep you busy so you don't even think about it!"

I had to laugh... . I mean, really?  What 28 year old grown woman acts like this?  It's only since they've gotten engaged that it seems to me that she is letting her behaviours come out... . she would have acted like a perfect girlfriend up until now.  

So trust me - even if they ARE happy together, it's never going to be plain sailing.

They will always be unhappy - that is the nature of the disorder.  And if there is nothing in life to be unhappy about, they will create some sort of drama, so they can be a victim.  It's tiring.  And we both deserve better... .

I know it's tempting to think of all the good things that the new girl is getting, and it seems unfair, but write yourself a list of all the bad things - cos that's what she'll be getting down the line too... .

Just think, that poor girl doesn't know what's in store for her... . she thinks she has found her perfect... . give it a while and we may see her kicking around these boards... . I wouldn't wish it on anyone! (Well, in my case, since my ex's new gf practically stole her off me by manipulating her and convincing her to move up to her town, I kind of feel like she does deserve any unhappiness coming her way.  I am likening it to her kidnapping my puppy dog and bribing it with treats - and now she has to clean up all the crap it leaves everywhere  )

Just let things play out in their own time.  It WILL all be good for you.  I know it's hard, and you question yourself, and doubt you were good enough... . but it's the BPD. It's not a normal relationship, so normal logic does not apply! xxx

[clairedair]

Nah!  It is just that wonderful, initial stage.  She is a perfect, white angel and you, actually are inconsequential anymore.  Neither black nor white.  Just invisible. 

sadbutwiser - That's an interesting point.  He had a gf before that he was engaged to in all but name we weren't divorced so they didn't formally announce and I'm the only one who knew.  He recycled us both and during that time I was either black or white.

This time it does feel that I am more invisible and maybe that's why I'm wondering if this time really is different and he's finally settled.  Deep down, I agree with marbleloser that this is just the honeymoon period (though it seems like a real honeymoon is coming around real soon!)

He's in the honeymoon stage.Of course things are just peachy at that point.You and I know,it won't last.

A couple of folks (including one of the kids) think he'll bail before the wedding but I think it's so soon that he'll still be within the honeymoon phase enough to go ahead. What happens after that, who knows. I am trying really hard (and not succeeding tonight) not to care.

This sums it up well, I think I always tried to keep my boundries and stick up for myself, where as this new guy is, without meaning to put it harshly, a loser, and she is even more out of his league then she was mine in terms of looks, so I think he will let her walk over him more than I did without standing up for him self so he will trigger her less, But as marble says, eventually everyone has enough and then the real self comes out and then they will have problems again.

trevjim - it's a good thing to be able to know one's boundaries and stick to them.  It's something I need to work on. I never used to share my emotions with anyone - drove ex mad.  I avoided conflict.  Although there were red flags now that I look back, I didn't think our relationship was that different to others (if I did get frustrated/confused, I assumed it was because he suffered from depression).  When crisis hit, I reacted badly and then started seeing T.  I started to express my emotions more openly - good and bad.  Things got 10x worse when I began to say how I really felt and set more boundaries.

I'm not surprised at him wanting to rush into things but from what I know of her, she's intelligent, good career, financially OK etc.  However, I don't know that much (and have asked others not to tell me anything - it's not really my business and I don't want to know).  She doesn't seem the type to go along with this.  BUT I know to my cost just how persuasive he can be... .

It seems that the same cycle is starting with the new girl - they still seem very happy together, BUT I've just been facebook stalking   and all does not seem well

mango_flower - it's tempting to sneak a peek at what's happening but is it good for you?  Did it make you feel better to know that all was not well in paradise?  Logically, I want my ex to get married and be happy for at least a year so I can heal in peace.  But there's a bit of me wants the validation of it all going belly up asap.  I hate that I feel like this because if this did happen, it would mean yet more pain and hurt for people.  I have particular reasons for not being happy with previous gf/fiancee but don't have an issue with the current amour du jour.  Up until the last 24 hours, I felt like I would give her a hug if I met her and say 'thanks'!

Loved the puppy dog analogy - made me smile!  Glad to know that you are not all sweetness and light and have got a bit off attitude in there    I realise more and more that my desire to be 'nice' and my anxiety that anyone would think I'm the 'bitter ex' or in any way mean is not actually very healthy for me.  Back to those boundaries... .

I think my unease has been triggered by being together as parents.  It felt so normal in one way and then weird because I would remember that there is going to be a step-parent in the picture very soon.  One of our kids has a birthday soon.  Last year we went as a family even tho H and I were newly divorced.  This year he's taking kids to same restaurant and kids and I are reasonably sure that future stepmother will be going.  It's stuff like this that really sets me back when I am just managing to feel good.

I'm rambling again.  I notice that it's almost impossible for me to write a short post and tonight I feel all over the place so it's worse than usual 

thanks for the replies - means a lot  .  I have typed many of these words when someone else was in similar position but now and again, I need the validation of hearing them said to me.

[DragoN]

I bet after he seals the deal with marriage,he allows his other side to be seen.

The beast is only on a chain. It only takes time before it shows itself.

Just think, that poor girl doesn't know what's in store for her... . she thinks she has found her perfect... . give it a while and we may see her kicking around these boards... . I wouldn't wish it on anyone! (Well, in my case, since my ex's new gf practically stole her off me by manipulating her and convincing her to move up to her town, I kind of feel like she does deserve any unhappiness coming her way.  I am likening it to her kidnapping my puppy dog and bribing it with treats - and now she has to clean up all the crap it leaves everywhere

She will get her just rewards and then some. You watch out that she doesn't try to recycle you while you are still vulnerable.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I am trying to get to the point where I hope she is with someone that will make her happy and gives her what she wants. I know that I would not want to be with her so why not wish her the best and move on with my life without any animosity? I am trying to become more spiritual and wishing her well seems like the right thimg. The other part is that I know I was part of the problem. We were two sides of the same coin, but with different issues. I know I needed and need to work on mine and I am a full time project.

The end of the relationship and how she went about it was sad, but it is history... .

[LuckyEscapee]

As mine got engaged to my replacement almost immediately, I know your feeling well.

I think being better with a new partner is highly unlikely, I think it is just a constant cycle they are forced to repeat, until they seek help.

I often think (remembering that I did not know about BPD then) that given I went past all my pre-existing boundaries of self-less giving, and in the end expected less than nothing in return, not even civility  , then what kind of partner could put up with/satisfy them? Perhaps someone in a coma? Perhaps another BPD? I don't know the answer, but no-one in the realms of normality that's for sure.

I certainly gave it my best shot, was almost brought down by the episode, and I am at peace it cannot be achieved. Attempting to partner them is mission impossible, but no doubt new partners will walk the path of nightmares trying to, till they are a worn husk of exhaustion.

[Hurt llama]

I have my share of problems dealing my my exBPDgf and the damage I incurred but this is one I am 100% certain about and it feels good to know... . She is somewhat relationship phobic after what we went through together... she tried dating and the usual infatuation period but that wears off and recycle as necessary... I can  say from the bottom of my heart that I would like nothing more to see her happy as I know it's not possible for any length of time.

And in a weird way, I've felt if SHE can ever be happy, it's a good sign for mankind and therefore me!

I laughed at her when she was texting me constantly how happy she was and 'I will marry this man within a year" It was ridiculous and of course it blew up and she saw me after each 'break up' with him... umm... sorta like she did to me when we first dated...

But to the question about fear... I understand that fear and it was positively devastating when very early into the relationship we broke up (uh hum) and she blamed me of course but had been doing the same thing to me as she is doing to her new exbf... I was a disaster back then... I 'won' her back... my bad...

But if history could be rewritten and we had ended on that note, not having the 'benefit' of knowing the truth of her undiagnosed disorder... I would have been a complete absolute disaster and i rarely think about the past this way...

Now I am imaging some of the members here who were dumped like that and feel replaced and it is the worst feeling in the world.

[VeryFree]

 I'm trying not to think of what I've lost by the upcoming divorce, but what I have won, or gonna win: freedom, health, sanity and possibly even love in a later stage.

If she finds somebody who suits her needs better then me: glad for her. I don't hate her like sometimes she seems to hate me. I just want my life back.

[clairedair]

I am trying to get to the point where I hope she is with someone that will make her happy and gives her what she wants.

Part of me does hope this but he has said before when leaving that he couldn't be in a relationship because he needed a relationship with himself.  I agreed that he needed to be happy with himself/love himself before he could be happy with/love someone else.  I don't think he has been out of a relationship for more than 8 weeks. Don't think his T is that good!

I also need to work on a relationship with myself.  I had thought I had really made great progress with this but I recycled so many times and I'm still letting him get to me so I am realising that there is more work to be done.

And in a weird way, I've felt if SHE can ever be happy, it's a good sign for mankind and therefore me!

I feel the same - although I am hurt by the way he's moved on, I would like to think that he can be happy and whole because the thought of any human being spending their lives in this desperate state and causing pain to those who love them is just too depressing.  Plus, I want my kids to have parents who enjoy life and love, otherwise their view of relationships is going to be skewed.

Attempting to partner them is mission impossible, but no doubt new partners will walk the path of nightmares trying to, till they are a worn husk of exhaustion.

Although I'm struggling a bit just now, I know that I tried everything and trying to be the kind of partner they can stay with/be healthy with is "mission impossible".  Thanks for that description.  I need these reminders some times.

[Clearmind]

Fear that they are better with the new partner... .

I thought the same!

Clair, thoughts such as these stem from our feelings of self blame - it says more about us than it does about our ex partners. It stands to reason that we wouldn't give their happiness/lack of, a second thought if we believed we weren't to blame.

Many of us come to bpdfamily very confused about what we endured - while we were in the relationship we normalised the behaviour and now that we are out of it we blame ourselves.

We are each responsible for our own part - you are not responsible for his.

Any ideas why you blame yourself?

[clairedair]

Fear that they are better with the new partner... .

while we were in the relationship we normalised the behaviour and now that we are out of it we blame ourselves

Hi Clearmind

I 'normalised' the behaviour during our marriage (before the first split) because I had not been in another relationship before marrying him (we met young). Looking back, he split with me several times when stressed, felt that he should leave because he'd restrict me (he was right) etc. I read my journals from those times and was shocked at how up and down the whole thing was even then and also a bit taken aback by my determination to make it all work.  When all the recycling started (and him being with someone else when he left), I 'normalised' the behaviours as being 'normal for pwBPD' !  And I was determined to make it work because I was strong, I was going to use the 'lessons' etc.

I blamed myself for a long time (and allowed the abuse to ramp up) because when things first were really difficult and exH blamed me for his loneliness, unhappiness, for not being what he had "hoped for", I found solace in an infatuation with someone (emotional, not physical).  He is still holding that against me - my "affair", my betrayal, my 'leaving him' first.  I believe I am past the deep shame of that and I also don't blame myself for the end of the relationship now but there is a heavy weight of internalised messages from him about all the ways in which I hurt him.  Even when he e-mailed me to apologise for his behaviour last Autumn, he still managed to mention what he thought I was responsible for which just sent me into a spiral of guilt.  Consciously, I do know that nothing I did/do makes a difference.

If anything, I blame myself a good deal just now for trying so hard and possibly damaging my children in the process.  They are well-adjusted, bright and engaging human beings who everyone compliments but I do worry about their own relationships in future and what kind of role model I have been.

I've just realised that this may be part of my fear.  That if my ex is (or even appears to be) happy and settled with new person, our children will think that there was something lacking in me.  Hadn't thought of that before.  I know at one level this is not true because they are well aware that their father's behaviour is not appropriate a lot of the time.

[Clearmind]

Clair, I so desperately needed my partner that I bent all my own values to make it work. I sacrificed myself to please him – I began to believe what he told me I was and because I had bent myself so much – I lost myself.

In losing myself, I then felt even lower and more unsure of who I was – I needed him even more – and based my own worth on the success of the relationship.

Did the relationship succeed? No! Did I feel like I failed? Yes

If we normalize it long enough we can ignore the issues and go on blindly. Doesn’t work long term.

An affair is an act! We are best to process the ‘why’s’ and what lead us to the affair as opposed to the act.

I've just realised that this may be part of my fear.  That if my ex is (or even appears to be) happy and settled with new person, our children will think that there was something lacking in me.  Hadn't thought of that before.  I know at one level this is not true because they are well aware that their father's behaviour is not appropriate a lot of the time.

I’m sure that is very real for you Clair.  Its good you have recognized it – you can now begin to reframe those thoughts so they do not become self defeating.

We as parents are a guide – as a Mom, be open with your kids when they need to talk, allow them to express their emotions, you cannot make it better for them – however you can be a support.

You are not perfect! None of us are.

[clairedair]

In losing myself, I then felt even lower and more unsure of who I was – I needed him even more – and based my own worth on the success of the relationship.

I think that the number of recycles and my justification to others (and to myself) for going back meant that the relationship not working out felt more like a failure.  Now that everyone knows he is getting married again, it reinforces this failure

Tonight, it doesn't seem to matter that everyone who knows us both thinks that he is rushing this and that there's a real risk that it won't last - I was feeling so 'free' and now I'm in the pits again.  And I'm giving myself a hard time.  I'm supposed to be using the peace and quiet I have tonight to prepare for an interview - this is important to me. And instead I feel weak for being here and still feeling so cut up about this.

We as parents are a guide – as a Mom, be open with your kids when they need to talk, allow them to express their emotions, you cannot make it better for them – however you can be a support.

Thanks for this - I do try to be there for them as much as possible. I have had to say to them that I don't really want to hear every detail of the wedding but I've reassured them that they can talk to me about it.  I also try not to make things better for them all the time - I have parents who still want to sort things out for me and I think I absorbed lots of messages about trying to 'fix' others and 'make' them happy.

I'm going to try to switch off now and make a start on my presentation!

[mtmc01]

In my case, I can honestly say now that I hope she truly is better with the new boyfriend. As I've outlined, I was emotionally abusive, and NO ONE deserves that, BPD or not. My exBPD improved in a heck of a lot of ways in the 14 months we were together. I hope she continues her growth and overcomes her disorder with someone more deserving of her love.