How do you define Passive-Agressive Behavior?

[SadWifeofBPD]

Is there a thread that gives a more thorough explanation regarding Passive-agressive behavior?

I've always been told that people use PA when they feel powerless to speak their mind or oppose a more powerful figure.  But, my H uses it to appear that he's not being difficult to me or to others.

I think I know some types of PA behavior that my volative BPDH uses (I know, often the raging ones don't do PA, but my H does).  For example:

If I'm sick, he doesn't want to change his own schedule, but doesn't want to 'look bad" by not helping so he'll often claim that he has to work, or something.

IF I would like him to help get the house ready for company, he won't want to do what I think is needed to be done, so he'll come up his own (very needless) list of chores that he can dawdle with so he doesn't have time to do anything that I want him to do.  Or, he'll do a lousy job on a chore that I want him to do so I won't ask him again.  Or, he'll claim that he doesn't know how to do something. 

Or, if my H doesn't want to go somewhere, he'll suddenly come up with a total lie and say that he won't go with me because I've "been a btch all week."  Which will be total lie.  I'll even ask for examples, and he won't give any specifics, but just resorts to that "catch all" excuse. 

Is there a thread that gives a more thorough explanation of PA behavior?

[Gimme Peace]

I don't know where the PA thread is, but I know that passive-aggressive behavior is a cornerstone of BPD. What you described is exactly what I experienced with my BPDh. He didn't want to contribute/help/cooperate, but also couldn't stand for anyone to think badly of him when he was unwilling to help. His shame overwhelmed him, what he knew deep inside, but he had to keep up the façade of "being a good person" so he used a litany of excuses, which was PA behavior. It was always, "not enough time", "not enough money" "has something else to do", "can't because of work", "running late" and the list goes on.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I don't know where the PA thread is, but I know that passive-aggressive behavior is a cornerstone of BPD

This is what confuses me.  On one hand, pwBPD (including my H) will rage, which is not PA, it's very outwardly aggressive.  But on the other hand, they'll employ manipulative methods to "innocently" get their own way - such as pretending to be busy so they don't have to help, or pretending to be sick/tired so they can be lazy.  Or, simply do a poor job so that they won't get asked to do that job again.  

[laelle]

Something like, I dont mean this in a bad way, but you have bad breathe.

I'm not trying to tell you how to raise your kids, but you put them to bed too late.

[mitchell16]

I dont know if this passive/aggressive/ But wheneev ermine ahd to do anything else involving emotions she woulda ct out to get out of it. To give you an example. her best freinds nephew died unexpetectly. He was a yound man. Her friend wa very upset. Her friend had been there for her when her sister died. The friend was helping her arpund the clock, was very helpful. When teh nephew died she was telling me how she didnt wnat to go to the funeral and help with it. but she needed to becasue the freind ahd been there for her. The night before this happened she got drunk, exploded on me. broke up with me. Once I left and went home "she hurt her head" now I dont doubt she did it to herself. Worked out great. Got rid of me, used our break up as an excuse. She got to play, the pitty card, victim, martyre and I was the bad guy.

I know this  sound crazy but it has happened numerous times. My aunt died, She was going to attend the funerla with me. I was shocked because in two years she ahs never helped or supported me when it came to something like that but she volunteered to go. I didnt asked, becasue whats the use. I should have smelled something when she voluntered. The night before. she gets drunk, starts bring up her ex-husband for no apaparent reason and she knows thsi would cause a problem. we ahve a fight. She dont go I go by myself. Problem for her solved.

On my B-day she has never had my family come to her house. she told me how she was planning a big dinner for me and wanted them to come over. she bragged to all her freinds that she was doing this. they all told her how sweet she was and that was a big step for her becsaue she alway had relationship issues. the night before she starts picking at everything I did. I couldnt do nothing right. She gets drunk that night it gets worse. I ignore her behavior. next morning she gets nastier and nastier until I finally tell her im calling it off and leaveing. She lays low for 3 day. calls me back and blames me with how I ruined my b-day. But she comes out a winner. She got praise from her freinds for having the dinner,pity because I got mad and left. She looked good at my expense.but she was off the hook. got all the milage but didnt have to follow thru with it. and It was all my fault.

[daze]

I recognize it when I see it.

[daze]

Oops, I posted too soon.  Not sure how that happened.

Anyway, I recognize the behavior when it happens, which is too often, and it results in no-win situations.  And then what do you say or do?  It's almost like gas-lighting I think in that sometimes it's subtle. 

[Gimme Peace]

It can be very subtle. My stbxBPDh almost never rages outwardly, he only silent rages. This is PA and controlling behavior as he always denies that anything is wrong when asked about his silence. Regarding chores or the many other responsibilities that goes into sharing a household, he does what you described, makes up excuses why he can't help, or does things so badly that I don't want him to do it i.e. trying to fix something but ends up making it worse or breaking it beyond repair, putting dirty dishes in the cabinets "because he didn't see they were dirty", etc.  PA is a very nasty form of control without it being obvious. DRIVES ME NUTS and I don't tolerate that kind of behavior from other people. Why in the F do I choose to live with someone that PA is a way of life for them?