What Now?

[BethsMom]

So as I'm understanding from research and the 7 years experiencing this wild ride - it never ends. We get a reprieve and before long we are back in the thick of it.  Like you, I'm so weary of it all.  I once saw a  video about a woman who was dealing well with her BPD.  She took her life and therapies seriously and was on a good road but she seems to be the exception and not the rule.  So here's my question to you moms and dads - do you know of anyone with BPD who had a year plus of relatively normal behavior?  Do you know of anyone that was able to have a secure life?  What made this happen? Meds? Therapies? Real Life?  See, mental health is exceptionally rare for our kids - maybe even non-existent.   I'm considering the future for my daughter?  What futures are you considering for your kids?  Does your country/state/province provide long term services for their mental health?  Will they be helped financially?  Do you see them homeless and living on the street or will they live in state housing?  Are you considering group homes? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Bethsmom:   I do not know anyone personally but there are people like Marcia Linnehan herself who has fought this battle and is doing well.  I too am weary from the past, in my case 3 years, but I try very hard to focus on the positive.  My DD18 was recently diagnosed with bipolar also and I have been now doing alot of reading about this also.  The more I read the more I am able to understand what she lives with and just having the empathy that I have helps her.  Do I think her life will be easy, absolutely not, but I do believe that if she understands her illness and continues to work on it that she will see success.  I have lived a life fraught with anxiety, I now realize that it runs in my family and probably is where DD get this from also.  I also did not grow up in a family who understood anxiety and so I was mostly left to deal with it on my own.  My teenage years were not good.  Lots of risky behavior and very low self esteem but somehow I was lucky to find what I needed in life to keep my anxiety in check and that was control. Some may see me as a little OCD and I am often referred to as quirky but the behaviors that I have learned help me to keep my anxiety under control and have given me the ability to be a very successful person.

We have a friend of ours who's son has Aspergers and is on the spectrum.  He lives his life very planned out and is in total control.  I always joked that if we all lived our lives with as much direction as him we would get alot more accomplished. The other day DD and I were talking and she asked me why on Sundays I bag up five little bags of cereal every week and I told her it makes my life easier.  For some people this would be seen as an extremely controled behavior but for me it helps me to know that my mornings are routine and that routine is key for me.  Every night I lay out my clothes for the next day. My work day is extremely scheduled as is most of my life.  This is  what I need and it helps me.  She said to me, Mom, you are sort of like Michael (that is our friends son). I think it might help me if I could set up more routines so that I wouldn't become so overwhelmed with life.  When she feels overwhelmed her life and her emotions quickly get out of control.  I told her she might want to explore this with her therapist but it sounded like a good plan to try.

I know this isn't the end all be all and it won't cure her but maybe it is a step in her learning what she needs to have a normal life.  I am willing to try anything and yes I do believe that they can have independent and successful lives if they can just find the path that leads them there.

Griz

[JKN77]

I wish I had an answer for you. It is my understanding that BPD is a specrtum disorder. So it seems that those on the one end would have more success than those on the other. I do believe that in our case BPD is genetic and my son's grandfather, who I believe has it and has never been diagnosed or treated, has been successful. He has been married for over 60 years, held jobs, supported his family, etc. That is not to say there haven't been problems. He has all the clasic signs so I think you can gues what life was like for the kids and his wife, not to mention the rest of us when he if flipping out.

We are starting with a new therapist this week, so again my hopes are up that the changes my son needs to make will be brought about so he can live a happy and succesfull life. Don't think we as moms ever give up hope. Maybe that is why it is so emotionally hard on us, we just can't seem to quite hoping things will change.

I don't know what to tell you about your daughter. We can only pray that she will be able to get the help she needs. I think sometimes because our kids look normal and act normal - sometimes, we expect normal. And I certainly understand your deep concern for her and her future. My husband and I worry constanly for our son, for a while there, we couldn't see anything in his future but a life behind bars. But, things seem to be turning around slowly. You never know.

[Thursday]

What now is a good question.

When the phone rings too late or too early, it's the first thing I want to know, what now?

When she lost her last job I really wondered, what now?

Letting go of expectations doesn't solve our "what now" questions because sometimes answering the phone is like an assault or at very least a reminder.

I imagine a happier future for her. What my BPDSD21 dreams about are fantasies that must be worked toward, not awarded because it is what she wants or would like. And she tolerates a minimal existance so long as she is not interfered with.

Right now we are waiting for her to get on with something, anything, so we can even think about what is next.

Thursday

[qcarolr]

What now? Wish I could say different - the spiral that my DD26 is on does impact my life in so many ways. Especially when I get 'ungrounded' - illness, other stressors in my life/family, my own mental health cycle,... .   It is like I kind of lose my place - get disoriented... .   Forget to take really good care of my own needs - all levels (emotional, spiritual, physical, cognitive). Seems DD can sense this shift down in me and then she attacks me. Or maybe she would do her own cycle down and I am just not able to access all the fine skills I have learned over the past few years that have worked before in our relationship. I slide back to my old ways so easily.

So I guess the quick answer is, things cycle. As long as DD refuses to accept her mental health issues and get treatment (and she has access to treatment if she asks for it, and she now has adult medicaid so it is paid for) the cycling will continue. I can only set the opportunities in front of her, she has to do the work to create the outcomes. This is what I have to let go of -- HER OUTCOMES.

When I can surrender her - then I can move on in my own life in a more internally peaceful way. Her pain is not so much my pain at that point. It is up to me to find ways to keep letting go and to take care of my own needs on a daily basis. And this is a very very hard thing sometimes.

BethsMom--How do you take care of yourself so as not be overwhelmed by your D's needs?

qcr  

[jellibeans]

Have you seen this video?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8o2h2Ic8dc

I think it gives a good idea of the future and some hope... .   on my way to visit my daughter in RTC I had a conversation with my husband about the same thing... .   my dd15 is young and she has her whole life in front of her... .   I am going to remain positive and support her anyway I can to help her meet her goals. She told me today she wants to be a teacher and I said great... .   it might take out kids longer to get where they want to go but I am sure she will get there one day... .    

[BethsMom]

Wow - powerful vid. Gives some hope.  Thanks for that.  Wish mine would work toward health.  Will wait to suggest until she is at her lowest point - only then will she be more willing to reach out for help. 

She is mostly NC with me now - which is a bittersweet gift.  When she was home I did what many of you do - I disengaged - went on a drive, walk, locked myself in a room.  Once when I locked myself in my room, she kicked my door in when she couldn't rage at me directly.  It was mighty scary.  So once she moved out a peace settled in our home. 

I just wonder about her future - if she doesn't seek help or take her mental health seriously - wonder if she will be homeless, always be hopping from couch to couch, bumming cigarettes.  She's just 19 and has so much life to live - maybe things will change.

[jellibeans]

She is young... .   she has time... .   her whole life in front of her... .   I keep thinking this is such a small part of their lives and maybe one day we will look back on this and be surprised by how bad things were... .