Having a really hard time lately

[crashintome]

I'm having such a hard time these past few days.  Last year at Easter, she and I were at her mom's.  I was getting email of engagement ring pics and we were discussing wedding colors.  A year later, I'm out of her life and she is with someone else.  I am having such a difficult time moving on from all of this.  I want a magic potion to just make it all go away.  I want the hurt and confusion to stop.

I hate her.  I hate that every single promise she ever made to me never came true.  I hate that she used me when no one else was there for her.  I hate that she constantly threw it up to me that "we were nothing" and I was always "the other woman."  I hate that she did said all of those things and then called me crazy for believing them.  I hate that she never did anything, NOT ONE THING, nice for me.  I hate that all of her "compliments" were backhanded.  I hate that I fell so hard and can't seem to get back up.

But I love her.  I love the way I felt when things were good.  I love that she was my best friend and what felt like a soul mate.  I love that we had so much in common and shared so many common interests.  I love that butterfly feeling I got every single time she touched me.  I love the picture we painted of the life we SHOULD HAVE had.

I want it all to go away, the love AND the hate.  I want to go back to a time when I didn't know her.  I want to be back to a time when I was never in love - when I didn't think it would happen for me and I was so much more normal.  I was happy and content with the fact that I would die alone.  Now, I don't want that but I am alone.  It's so hard.

I'm sorry that I needed to vent.  No one understands.  I try so hard to act like I'm over her and I've moved on.  No one in my real life understands the damn hold she still, to this day, has on me.  No one gets that the LONG list of bad stuff will never in a million years cast a big enough shadow for me to forget the good stuff.

[wanttoknowmore]

crashingtome

BPD history repeats inself in the same way with lot of us... nons. The intense memories they create haunt us and bleed our hearts when they use and discard us like a tissue paper. We crave those days which never come back. They move on and we get stuck because we have capacity to love genuinely.

In a way, they are stronger than us as they can delete us easily from their hearst and minds. But, in the end, karma catches up with them in the form of a series of broken,painful r/s, unending loneliness and their own children resenting and hating them. I would rather be a painfully grieving Non than a smily face BPD because on the facade of fake smile I can see a scared,little damaged person with only pain and pain and more pain for rest of their life.

What we have only that we can give. BPD's have pain and they are only going to give you pain in the end. Take it or dont take it... choice is yours.