8 months no contact, 7 months without access to my daughter

[sunking101]

I had approx 2 years with my BPD ex and a good 18 months of those were a nightmare. I won't go into the events of those 18 months but suffice to say it was classic BPD with push/pull/heavy flirting with other men/irrational arguments/anger/withdrawal of affection & sex/general heartache.

Inbetween the awful periods she would be a gorgeous and apparently 'normal' woman who I was madly in love with. Well, perhaps I shouldn't use the word 'madly'... .

Anyway, she fell pregnant and as we were in a 'good' period (you know how we think they're going to last), I was *stupidly* all for it.

Almost one month later she started an irrational argument about how I would be a bad father and she kicked me out of our home. I was upset and annoyed but just thought it would blow over like these things always did. Well it didn't. She wouldn't let me back in so I had to sleep in the car and wash at the swimming baths for a few weeks. This was hell for me; having to hold a job down whilst sleeping rough and all the while attempting to 'make up' with her. She ignored all my calls and texts.

One evening she rang me and said that she wanted me back. I went to the flat and she was off from the start. Apparently she wanted me back but couldn't for the sake of our unborn daughter. The 'way I was' would be horrible for our child and she couldn't let me harm our baby with my nastiness! She did however agree that I should be allowed to see my daughter and to play a huge part in her upbringing. I left our meeting extremely upset.

Two days later at work the police arrived and arrested me for domestic violence. I have never hit my ex or any other woman before her. It was an outrageous lie. I was subsequently released with a caution and in the meantime my ex had served me with a court order preventing me from contacting her or going within 15 yards of her home or work premises.

I telephoned her parents and they hung up on me, whatever manipulation and lies my ex had done on them worked a treat. I was the bad guy, I was scum and boy did everyone know about it! How unfair these BPDs are, not only did I have to deal with immense heartache but also to go through a miscarriage of justice and to have my good name tarnished.

I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with clinical depression. I'm only just starting to come out of it and my question is thus:

Do you good people think that I shoupd walk away from the daughter I have never met? It sounds like a trip to hell trying to arrange access when my ex is the victim and I'm the scumbag. From what I have read, women are completely in the driving seat when it comes to access at the best of times, let alone when they have BPD and have portrayed you as a scumbag to all and sundry! My daughter will now be 7 months old and I have never seen her. My ex and her parents hate me even though I have been nothing but a loving and highly-tolerant person throughout the whole relationship (and aftermath). I don't want to lose my daughter and nor do I want my ex to get away with this horrific miscarriage of justice... . but nor do I want to enter the depths of hell again and spend the rest of my life banging my head against a brick wall. I'm torn and change my mind daily on what to do. I don't want my daughter to have *that* for a mother and nor do I want her entitling, strange parents to have maximum input in my daughter's upbringing... . but equally, I don't want to spend the rest of my life struggling with a BPD woman who will make it her life's work to further destroy me. What is for the best?

[momtara]

Awww, first off, I want to say that I am sorry this is happening to you.  You seem like a very good person. 

I don't know if just walking away is the best option, although it seems so unhealthy to have to be in your ex's life, even a little bit.  Plus, she can make up any allegations about you she wants, which is scary.

The only problem with just walking away is that some day your daughter may wish you'd fought to see her or be in her life, at least somewhat.  That said, I can see why maybe you think it's best to just leave them all alone and hope for the best.

I think you should find a really good lawyer - interview a lot of them; they give free or low-cost consultations.  Not sure where you live, but you may want to find a lawyer who has a lot of experience in these situations, maybe go to a city nearby to find one.  Maybe you can get a judgment for some kind of visitation and it can be arranged so that you exchange the baby at the police station or something like that, minimizing contact with your ex.

I hope you can get more comments on this story - I think many people have been where you are now.  I'm not in this situation but I feel for you.

I have a 1-year-old daughter.  I can tell you that it's not too late to be involved even if you take a few more months to decide.  So take your time and talk to your therapist and lawyers.  And don't get suckered into being alone with your ex!

You could always try writing her parents a letter, but at this point I think it will only add fuel to the fire.

[Waddams]

I'd say go hire a lawyer and file a case for court ordered visitation.  Don't talk to your ex- about it.  Just go file.

Not sure about in your jurisdiction, but in mine, even when under court orders to avoid contact with someone, you can still go file paperwork with the court that would adjust the order to allow for visitation of children. 

It's gonna be a slow process.  Chances are there will be some minimal level of visitation that can be obtained at first.  And as time goes on, you just have to be ready to jump when situations arise where your D needs you to step back into the court arena to get more parenting time or say in her well being.

[AnotherPhoenix]

  SunKing,

Welcome to this board.

You've already gotten great advice from Momtara and Waddams.

First, don't talk to your ex about it any more. You tried that.

Second, as Waddams said, you need to find yourself a good lawyer who will help you through your divorce.  You should interview several, since your going to be using this person for a while.

If you haven't gotten the book Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

by William A. ("Bill" Eddy, Esq: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0

There are also lots of older threads on this forum about selecting and working with Ls might be useful to you. Please hunt for them. They have a lot of great information!

Keep letting us know how things are going.

AnotherPheonix 

[indigosun]

Dear Sunking.

I completely feel for you. You have a dilemma on your hands. Maybe its best to think what is best for you? Do you want to be a father? Could you be there for your child 100% (and im sure you can or you would not be posting on here asking for advice) this already shows how you are thinking of your daughter. Good man.

I have been in a legal battle for 18 months. My ex took our new born over to Germany breaking many laws. I can relate to most of your own matters. I have to been hung up on by her parents, I to got a police caution for something I did not do. My ex broke my nose and I was forced to go to hospital, I had cuts all over my face also, I was given a caution for pushing her off me to protect myself. My ex got nothing. It does seem to always be one sided regarding such things, I blame the Duluth model and how woman are always seen as the victims even if they don’t have a mark on them.

I would agree with you also it does seem that woman are in the driving seat, but there are laws regarding fathers’ rights etc. and if you want to be in your daughter’s life and I presume you do, then you will have to go to court to have these enforced. 

Maybe you could read up on how a BRD parent can have a negative effect on the development of the child, it was after reading some articles on this that I knew it was not a choice for me but a duty to fight to be in my sons life.

There is no rush to make up your mind what to do, and you have been given great advice regarding choosing a lawyer etc. I’m sorry you have to deal with such a situation.  I to was not sure what to do first of all, but in the long run I am a stronger person for doing what I have so far to see my son then I was before. It is very therapeutic and you will find great strength over your endeavour. 

Maybe you could find the time to read up about parental alienation etc. also there are many groups on Facebook that are a good place for information. You really are not alone sir. You will find what you are dealing with is very normal regarding BPD and other mental health problems. Try and always put your own health first also. If you choose to fight for your daughter you will need to not let your ex get to you. And like said above, never meet your ex alone, or even try and communicate with her without a third person present or you will find more false allegations chuck in for good measure.

Good luck sir.