Family Matters - we can make a difference

[qcarolr]

This is a very empowering video for me in my struggles to 'be there' for my BPDDD26, no matter how tough it gets. I have to remember how much better things are than just 2 years ago, and she is not in professinal treatment. Gaining knowledge about BPD, learning skills with doing some DBT for myself - exp. mindfulness and radical acceptance - learning [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] skills - learning how to do values-based boundaries (this is still weakest area for me).

www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=2qQ0lAxzrcQ&feature=endscreen

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thank you very much for your awesome encouragement!  It's great to hear there is improvement in your DD!  We are pretty new to this (just a few weeks) so any suggestions and any bit of hope is really appreciated as we deal with our DD13.

[MammaMia]

qcarolr

I agree with your statement about being there, no matter how hard it gets.  PwBPD

really have no one else they can trust.  Just us.

[qcarolr]

So now, I love my DD with everything I have inside me. It is time to take 2 steps back to figure out what I need to keep for myself, what I need to my gd7 and my dh.

DD had two exbf's ( G and M) at our house last night!    :)h went down at 10:30pm and told them to leave - no overnight guests. We chose not to harrass them any more. I just got home and see 2 cereal bowls in the sink. Guessing who is still here - M? His skate board is still in garage - this is a 29 year old kid. Needless to say this is a major boundary violation, it led to my having to leave my house for most of two days in a row 3 weeks ago when DD was in a rage at me.  

Saw my T today. Better ranking on the depression and anxiety scale from 3 weeks ago. DD was gone for four days - until yesterday evening. DH and I have talked about options available to DD for her own place to live. They are pretty non-existent unless we pay and pay -- we have no money to do this except retirement. Dh is 62, I am 57, we do not have time in our lives to restore the tiny bit of retirement savings we have left. She has no income, at least 12 -18 months away from decision in her SSI appeal case. So she is looking at being on the streets homeless again if we kick her out. She will not voluntarily leave. She believes she is entitled to have whoever she wants in our home since she lives here.

This is all just so hard. How can I continue to "be there" for her, and still get her to leave my house? I would keep paying for the cell phone, bus vouchers, offering my laundry room, and managing her meager county benefit to pay for her probation costs (she would spend it all in a few days $175/month). I do not want to abandon her - but I need my home respected, me respected.

Maybe need to buy a 'retirement' property somewhere cheaper to live and let DD live there until she can get the SSI? Dh and I will discuss this opton again.

After I can talk with dh this eveing (if able to get away from gd7 for a bit - or after her bedtime) and talk about my idea to speak to the bf's about the curfew to leave (10:30pm). If they remain after that, or are still here in the morning, then they are trespassing and I will be reporting this to police We own this property and have a right to enforce this reasonable rule. May need to double check the 'landlord' codes for our area first though - would be disgustingly ineffective to be told we cannot consider them trespassers. Maybe can speak to someone at the police department about this.

It gets tougher when they are supposed to be 'grown up'. My DD26 still acts like she is 13-15 most of the time. Maybe if I had known of BPD and this site had been there for me when she was that age, things would be different now.

Keep my head up, my mind clear, give up these worries to God for today. Not too distressed today, mostly sad.

qcr  

[somuchlove]

qcarolr   to you.  I haven't been here for a week or so so haven't been able to keep up on life here.  It sounds like you are working hard at dealing with issues but still have much to work through. 

[MammaMia]

qcarolr

Does your daughter have a social worker or probation officer who could help or at least offer suggestions on housing?   Do these bfs still live with their parents?  If not, maybe she can move in with one of them.   Do you have any relatives or friends who could and/or would help you?  Is DD capable of holding a job and living on her own?  Could she do some kind of live-in employment? Nanny or housekeeper?

You should not give up your retirement to provide housing for your adult DD.  If she has absolutely no place to go, set the NEW rules and stick to them.  It is YOUR home.  You and your h need privacy and peace and quiet, especially if you are still working.  

[vivekananda]

Hi qcr, sorry you are sad   

I was thinking of trespass laws. Does that mean you have to call the police to have him removed? I would check this out so you hae a back up plan.

But can you revisit those wonderful values and boundaries you had/have in place? Were they written down, co signed... .   Is that something that you could do, so it is explicit. After all your dd was able to abide by them in earlier times.

I understand you are loathe to see her on the streets again - and that makes sense.  I don't know if there is anything gained by returning there. This is what I think... .   I would consider it unwise to buy an investment property for her to live in. I see the possibility of you losing that property. If she cares little for her responsibilities in a house then the house could end up being trashed (maybe not by her but by others who hang out). You cannot afford to have your future wellbeing compromised, you will need to be there for her for a long time to come. You need to look after yourself so you can look after her.

Regird your loins qcr. Work out a plan, find a way forward. Take care for you and love your dh. Whatever you do, you both are needed for your gd.

lotsa best wishes,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

So good to have you all on my side with so much understanding. Vivek  - love this "gird your loins".    I did just that, and a good thing too.

So I get gd from bus at 3pm and there is DD in the kitchen in her pj's saying "M came back at 11 this morning to go through his stuff". Well, I am guessing I left at 9:30 and they both came upstairs while I was gone. No comment from me. [back story - we have not successfully enforced a no over night guest rule in the past - the bf's have all lived with us as our 'shield' against DD. It always works til they quite participating as asked and/or break up with DD. we are trying to move into a new 'warrior' mode for my survival. T is helping me with this today.]

Dd helping cook dinner - wants ride to town tomorrow to sell some old phone stuff at recycle place. "Since it is tomorrow, can't M stay over just tonight and he can ride in with us tomorrow."  Replied - have to talk with dh. So dh says "no way", which I agree with. So tell DD this and she starts with the taunting, sliding into name calling, Dh steps into dialogue with his sacarsm, gd is there telling everyone to quiet down-cool off... .   So I go downstairs and quietly say to M - "We have a no overnight guest policy, and we are applying it consistently". He says " I get it, cool". So we will see if he walks away for the bus in the rain before 11pm. (last bus is 20 minute walk away at 11:30).  Dd stopped me in doorway as I was coming back up, stepped on my foot, held my arm, in my face saying "You cannot talk to M". I said, well he is an adult, and I already talked to him.

I am trying to get DD out of the middle of this boundary. She has lots of power over these bf's - or they are doing their own manupulation with her. Just have to keep my armor on tonight.

On the housing issue - I have talked with DD's case manager - DD has talked with her case manager. There is no housing -- long wait lists and DD has domestic violence misdeamnors so gets denied anyway for at least 2 more years. Mentioned to her that the next county has much cheaper housing. Her reply, well how am I getting to my appts here (probation in this county)? I said the bus... .  

Enough, enough. Deep breathe, Deep breathe. Have to keep my blood pressure from spiking - don't need a stroke or heart attack over all this. So not just my mental health survival - I want to stay alive as well.

Gd does need dh and I.  [DD made some comment in her anger about my high blood pressure and she would get the house anyway - I said "Maybe not". THink I will make an appt. to change the trust in our will tomorrow to specifically include gd. It is a special needs trust for DD - she will never have direct access to any inheritance from us. She cannot do math or manage money with her NLD]

qcr  

[MammaMia]

qcarolr

Do you have legal custody of your gd?

[Reality]

qcaroir,

I do not like your daughter stepping on your foot or holding your arm.  Are you afraid of your daughter?  If so, there needs to be action taken.  For you and your granddaughter and your husband.  

I do not think it is healthy for your daughter to think this behavior is acceptable.  She has crossed over the line.  

Can the police be called to help, just to remind your daughter who is in charge.  Not her.

What does the T think?  What do you think?  

You know, qcaroir, you are an amazingly resourceful person.  Listen to your instincts, your needs, your body.

I am being opinionated here; however, your daughter's relentlessly bullying behavior is plain wrong.  Her words and behavior are creating somewhat dangerous neural pathways.  Honestly, it is that objective. 

My opinion.  Take what you will and discard the rest.

Reality

[vivekananda]

perhaps an intervention of some sort is right, a circuit breaker... .   as Reality says she is creating and reinforcing nasty neural pathways with her physical contact ... .   is this a warning sign?

Listen to your instincts, your needs, your body.

 

and take care of yourself and gd (and maybe dh too  )

Vivek      

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

qcarol!

Where are your boundaries?

Your dd26 is pushing reasonable limits.  Where will she stop?

Whatever her fears are that drive her behaviors do not justify physical aggression.

There is no excuse for abuse.

[qcarolr]

I do not know what bfM plans were. I directly reminded him he had to leave by 10:30 and he said he got it. Yet DD came up and said he was staying. dh did call police to be sure bf left due to DD's actions against me. DD had to stay downstairs and we were to stay upstairs. If not we would call again and she would be in jail. Gd slept with us last night. gd is angry at all of us I think with good reason. We lock our room lastnight. I am taking key to meds closet to work with me today as she threatened to do something with all our meds. What a 'i hate you, don't leave me' scenario. And clearly the need to not be alone.

We will see how it goes this afternoon. She can pack her backpack and go, or settle and be in the family. She is in her room with the two dogs now. I realize that much of her reaction is her fear of going to jail if the police come. They gave her one chance to cool off. If we needed to call them again last night she would have been arrested. They asked about a pshych hold - told them this has never worked in past and only empowers her when she is released after 3-4 hours at ER.

I struggle with my boundaries - yes I have lots of fear around DD. Last night was different. She could call me whatever name she chose, I replied that it did not matter to me - I know who I am. When she followed me outside, dh called the police. He suffered a lot of guilt after the police left, and anxiety about the neighbors. The police parked away from our house, it was very dark, and I know what needs to be done regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Gd has girl scouts after school so dh will be home soon after we get home. If things  are not good with DD at house, I will take gd to library for a bit after scouts.

Have important meeting at work today, so need to get on my way. Thanks for all your care. Keep reminding me what I need to do - I can do this. One moment at a time.

qcr  

[Thursday]

gd is angry at all of us

He (dh)  suffered a lot of guilt after the police left, and anxiety about the neighbors.

Enough, enough. Deep breathe, Deep breathe. Have to keep my blood pressure from spiking - don't need a stroke or heart attack over all this. So not just my mental health survival - I want to stay alive as well.

I have so much respect for you... .   your intense love for your DD is awe inspiring. It will always be there, I suspect. No matter what she does.

There are three people in the equation who are being damaged by your DD's illness. I've quoted your words about these three valuable souls above.

Vivek  suggests girding your loins. I'm a big fan of facing the stuff that is staring us down.

I'm not sure you are going to have the success you wish for with your daughter. Not sure if you can afford a place for her and still be able to have a life in your later years, not sure if SSI will cover her.

What seems like better options for a sound future for the most souls involved if your dreams don't come true?

thursday

[Thursday]

q-

Wondering, when you explained to the bf that you are consistently applying the boundary of "no overnight guests" did you have an answer to, "and what if I stay?" since that is what is happening. Even if he didn't ask, if you have a boudary you have to have a plan for what will occur if someone doesn't have respect.

I am impressed with the dog guru, Ceasar Milan. He can cut through so much silliness that people attribute to their dogs and gets quickly to the core- the dog owner is the boss, the alpha dog. That may not be the way the outside world looks at it but since a dog isn't smart enough to care what other people think, to the dog, the alpha is the one who acts like the alpha. If you don't care about having the dog running your life, then let the dog be the alpha. Since it's the person's carpeting being ruined, it seems like it's better to have the person who can earn a paycheck be the one in charge.

I love dogs and above scenario was not meant to offend.

Those bfs wouldn't be in your basement were it not for your daughter. And if these guys are listening to your DD maybe telling them directly will keep your daughter out of the middle but I'm not sure. It seems like she is sitting at the epicenter. Is the epicenter the same as the middle?

Is it possible that your daughter is trying, stlll, to figure out if she is alpha?

I think you loathe having this role, to be the alpha just isn't your natural role. Ahem, however... .   sheesh, this is what you have! Bless your fiesty but so young GD and your beloved dh who SUPER isn't alpha dog either, which is likely one of the reasons you fell for him to begin with.

What I've learned from Ceasar Milan is that the alpha need not be bigger  or meaner or louder. The alpha leads by confidence and exerting a calm presence. What you write here shows me you have the wisdom to lead your family and you can find your way again.

So difficult.

Not a walk on the beach.

Ha! Walking on coals, tricky but possible.

 

thursday

[Reality]

Thursday,

Your comments are so insightful... .  

Reality

[qcarolr]

Thursday - you are so loving and gentle with me. Thanks. And you get to the point at the same time. Brings me to tears, which makes seeing what I am typing kinda hard. whew - 2 tissues later.

DD has been the alpha in our home for a very long time. since she was a toddler with powerful, one hour tantrums til she screamed herself to sleep. almost an alien in our midst based on all my other experiences with infants and children in my life up to that point. I have taken a step up this past week to take back my authority. Told her I will not be a part of any activity or choice that is enabling of her violating her probation. Not in my house, not with my car, not with my money.

DD saw her probation officer today - she was positive with 'a tiny bit of thc' last week. She has to do 100% of her UA's, and be clean, or he will revoke her probation. Her next appt. is on 4/22. I dropped her at the park after her appt. today. She is not attending her probation ordered class tonight. She asked as she got out of the car "will they really make me stay in jail a whole year?" Well, they can less your 45 days of house arrest. The minimum is another 45 days. you will need to get a public defender to ask the judge.  She got her public cash today for the month. I just am working at letting go of her.

I told dh this afternoon when we were quietly talking that I know DD is doing the best she can each day, and her inability or choice to not enter any kind of treatment does not allow her to do any better. She is hard core resistant - always has been. Even when just barely 3 with her first OT. Which came first in her neuro-development. The NLD that created a very hostile, invalidating internal environment for her is most likely. And I did not know what to do with her, had limited money to do what was recommended, and much pressure exerted from dh that I was wasting time and money on pointless quackery. He grew up in a household where what the neighbors think was primary.

I saw a new T today. I am going to see her weekly for a month or two and then evaluate how things are going. She seemed to get my story, and puts the focus on what I need to survive and thrive. Will find something else to give up to pay for her, she is giving me a discounted rate of $25. And she will pray with me too. I will let you all know how it goes. I asked her to help me let go of DD, rebuild my marriage, and most of all to be a good parent for gd.  She told me her focus is on taking care of me. I have spent my life taking care of others. She needs to take care of me. Geez, this is what I long for, but find so hard to accept.

I know that DD needs to move on - the only way I can figure this will happen (other than a temporary respite with jail) is to limit her fun while here. And to not feel bad about it. This has started with not backing down on the overnight guest policy, and only approved guests other than that. And yes - we will call the police every time if needed. There is nothing out there except the pit of homelessness as far as I can see for her. And I am so deeply sad.

Does it feel like I failed her? Yes. If she was a baby now and put on the autism spectrum would things be different? Maybe. But she is not a baby. And gd is a young child that I see trying to be the grown up in the house. So this is where I have to say STOP. This is a precious child. So many here and in other places in my life have tried to get me to put gd first in all things. I have resisted as it feels like giving up on DD.

I have to accept - every single day - that DD is beyond my influence now. My time with her is over as a parent. All I can hope for is to be a validating friend, with really really strong boudnaries.

Skill I need is how to endure DD's grief and anger when I need to limit contact with gd. This is so impossible with DD living in our home. DD needs to be the one leaving, not gd and I. End up going round and round in a circle with this.

You ask - what happens if someone doesn't have respect? Well, gd goes to her room to get self-control, then we figure out how to do it different next time together.  :)D has never ever been the one to go to her room - she refused, stood her ground, screamed, threw things, kicked, hit... .    She wore us down. When she was little, I mean a year old, we would stop at a favorite restaurant often on the way home from work/daycare. One evening we overheard one the regular waiter call her "the little terrorist" to another employee there. We all thought it was really funny. Boy, was that a mistake. It has not turned out very funny at all.

Why was I so resistant to often good advice from many directions when DD was little? Looking back, I just did not 'get it'. Like my thinking just turned off - I can go back a read old evaluations of DD from age 6 on and do not remember the recommendations made. We certainly got no support, in my memory, in following up with these. Am just so dissociated out that I am disconnected from life? I guess i have great fear that it I who is the craziest one -- is this a bad case of   .

I talked with my new T about this and several other things today that I am not sure I have really shared with anyone - ever or in a very long time. Or maybe I just don't remember, and she is new so cannot say "oh, I heard that already".

The other thing today. Gd brought home the assessment report from school. Have her first IEP meeting next week. It is nice to have a draft to look at before the meeting. I have to really not put my experiences with DD and her education on top of gd. What can I do to stop myself from this comparing. Gd is a different person from her mom.

Sometimes I hear myself saying to myself "I don't want to do this again".

Gotta go for now. Thanks for listening.

qcr  

[Thursday]

qcarolr,

I join you with tears of my own.

Over and over I experience seeing my SD struggle and see a solution for her pain within her grasp. She sometimes gains a bit of clarity or resolve or desire to change but so far, nothing has really saved her from her own misery, her poor impulses, her trapped psyche, her inablity to see herself, her lack of empathy, her laziness, her fear.

It is a terrible thing to watch. It would be so much easier for her if she would only listen and take advice and work harder and spend some time in quiet reflection. Grow up. Maybe she could just STOP IT.

I'm so sorry that your daughter struggles. Even though you have clear understanding of her needs you haven't been able to get her the help she needs. Wall after wall after wall. How exhausting. On one side are the things that would help you (SSI, housing) but the tallest wall is the one your daughter has constructed around herself. One misguided step after another to protect herself, to sooth herself and the place she ends up... .   well... .   it isn't what you want for her. It isn't even what she wants for herself.

At this point, all you can do is let go. Concentrate on what you can affect,  the rest of your family. It's hard to let go when we think it's our job to hold tight. In the end though, this is the thing you CAN still do. It might make a difference! Taking care of your GD is something you can do to help your DD. Even if your DD cannot appreciate this, blames you, hates you for it, WOW, what a gift this is for her.

Without the negatives that your DD creates in your life, day to day when she is cycling down, you will recover in ways you can't imagine. You will grow. It will be easier, you will have something left for the others and for yourself. Let's never forget ourselves in this... .   we all deserve happiness. I keep thinking of the time my S/O asked me if I thought SD was upset, laying awake at night with worry over her last "whateveritwas". He was pretty sure she was sleeping soundly with a big smile on her face.

There is nothing out there except the pit of homelessness as far as I can see for her.

Above is your fear talking. You have no idea what the future holds. Letting go involves a certain amount of letting go of expected outcomes. Let your faith sustain you.

In letting go, what we do is give them a real chance. Ask yourself, what if I don't make this change? What then?

Glad to hear about your new therapist. Yes, please keep us informed.

 

thursday

[qcarolr]

There is nothing out there except the pit of homelessness as far as I can see for her.

Above is your fear talking. You have no idea what the future holds. Letting go involves a certain amount of letting go of expected outcomes. Let your faith sustain you.

In letting go, what we do is give them a real chance. Ask yourself, what if I don't make this change? What then?

It is so hard to shield myself from the rage, then trust the kind words a day or two later. Feeling so weak. Then feel the anger in gd and hear it from dh. How to reset?

My mind is filled with so many things I want to say to DD. Yet, I know there is little validating in this thinking.

Want to figure out a way to let her know the regression in gd's actions based on all the conflicts in our home. gd seems just as angry at me as at anyone else. maybe because i am the one here.

How can dh and I build support for us both in this? We have to make a plan, a written plan, for dd to be in our home. Both for now, and for after a jail term. Jail is only a temporary respite.

Thursday, I hear what you are saying. It just keeps spinning round and round.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Ok - there is good today, let's look at it.

1. Sunshine and in the seventies with lots of birds singing.

2. Dog run is working out great - well worth the cost to move in some gravel and put up fencing. Even the dogs are more settled.

3. Gd is really good at telling me clearly what she thinks about things and I am able to listen and respond kindly.

4. I found my replacment copy of "I don't have to make everything all better", and am going to read it again and actively share this with dh. Guess I better ask him if this is OK first. I either lost the first one or gave it away.

5. Have not heard from DD today and don't expect to. Enjoy peace in my home for today.

6. I found a NEABPD video of Randi Kreger  I am going to invite dh to watch with me tonight after gd goes to bed - Stop Walking on Eggshells, Secrets of Limit Seting:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=85_eYftuv0k   Nov 22, 2011 - 41 min 

I am a good person, and it is OK to be kind, compassionate and loving. I do not have to be brainwashed by DD's pushing of my hot buttons. I can let go of those for today.

Love you all - don't how I would survive without all the care and validation I get here.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

still here, sending you lots of positive energy

Vivek      

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

dittos to what Vivek  posts.

It is chilly here, by Florida standards. But there is so much promise in the sun as it starts it rise into the sky. I'm tending the vegetable garden in my nightgown.

Hope today is a peaceful one for you.

Thursday