SS just back from Spring Break with BPDmom and the crazy stories are starting...

[mamachelle]

My 3 SS, age 8.10, and 15 just got back from Spring Break with BPD mom and her family.

They live with us all year and just see Mom for a few disney weekends and one extended summer vacation.

Already my 8 year old SS is telling us that his uncle let him watch R rated movies. One of them, firestarter, and he is getting scared and scared of sleeping and scared he will not be able to sleep.

I know, I know. Me and Dad my NONH need that week off here and there but the boys always come back so dysregulated.

SS10 and SS15 are on psychiatric meds and BPDMom forget to send them with the boys so now she has to mail them.  Of course we had back up meds here, but still, who knows if they take the pills consistently when they are with her and what kind of messages she sends to the boys about them.

Boys apparently haven't been bathing much. Staying up late. Eating a load of crap food.

Did I mention that two of them are pretty overweight as well?

it's all fun and games and then they have to do re-entry into our structured, not vacation fun house and back to school.

Ugh. Just venting. But just wish it was not always the same old story. Wish there was a magic pill that would make it easier for them and for us too. I mean there were more adults than kids in the house they were staying and it seems like the kids were just running wild and also kind of ignored and adultified. I always think of Lord of the Flies... .  

[newlymarried]

I think your BPDbiomom and my SD's BPDbiomom should go bowling.

[mamachelle]

Oh yea 

Bowling was the most wholesome activity my SS did. Of course she took them bowling with a new potential/possibly ex BF ( notice how these guys can be both at the same time... .   ) who sounds like an abusive nut bag based on his Fb profile which is open to the public.

What gets me is that BPDmom was with her supposedly older more responsible family members.  All of them! It's just an illusion so we end up happy its so far just R movies. It's amazing how low the standards are for her parenting... .  

[newlymarried]

I understand. My SD, who is just 4; does not hear no for the entire time she is with her biomom. Here's the thing with the extended family, BPD didn't happen in a vacuum. Their family played some part in them becoming so dysfunctionally attached.  I am just relieved when my little SD4 comes home and can sleep and eat in peace.

BPDbiomom was yelling at the 4 year old and the 4 year old was throwing a fit at 8pm. In our house, 8pm is story time and bedtime.

[mamachelle]

Yes, my SS8 used to just cry and say he hated mom and going to Mom's when he was your SD age. Now as he is getting older he is smart enough to realize he can get away with a lot with her.

SS8 may have acted brave and cool and told his uncle it was ok to watch the R film... .   and his uncle who has no kids maybe thought it was ok.  I was comforting SS8 and saying.

"oh yeah, I am scared of that movie too, I think I saw it when I was young like you and it was waay too scary for me"

SS10 who is enmeshed with his mom said to me when I said this,

"well, mamachelle, R rated movies back from the 70's are like PG-13 now"

Obviously, this had been discussed and somehow made ok.

The sad thing is, I know that my SS8 for all his big little guy, bravado is still a little kid and he really is more terrified of being allowed to do these things when he is with mom than the temporary thrill he feels in being able to do these things.

Not sure this makes sense, but that has been a huge lesson for me in dealing with my SS is that they really need parents that say "No it's not good for you "while also being careful not to say, "It's bad that mom let's you do this".

It requires a great deal of super stepmom ninja mind tricks... .   and I'm still learning how to do this as sometimes they hide, other times they get defensive or feel guilty, and other times they are almost "telling on her" hoping she will get in trouble.

I know the bed time thing is a perfect example. So simple, but so hard for a pwBPD to even implement or understand that kiddos who get sleep are less cranky.

We are just 2 days back from Mom's so I suspect the stories of their spring break will continue as they always do and come up when something triggers their memories.

Ok, time to get off my soapbox   

[mamachelle]

Just picked my SS15 up from school early for a bad headache and he told me.

"I've driven a car before."

I said, oh really, when you were with mom last week?

"yes, uncle and grandma took me to a school parking lot and I drove and I hit the break so hard it made everyone in the car go flying"

This would be fine except that SS15 is on the autism spectrum and has other psychiatric and neuro developmental/coordination/perception issues that make driving a sort of scary prospect.

I just don't get these folks... .   it is obvious to anyone that spends 5 minutes with my SS that he should not be encouraged to drive and they just want everything to be normal, when it so clearly is not. sigh.

[NorthernGirl]

SS18 who has development delays just spent spring break at UBPD mom's (it happened to fall on her week.) While there he did nothing, other than the two days he works part-time (about 7 hours in total.) The rest of the week he slept in, watched TV and ate junk food. He said he never left his mom's house except to go to work those two days.

We learned that his mom has lost her job a few weeks ago so realize that she was home the whole week. So my guess is that she is depressed and did nothing herself, and SS18 was just following her lead. He understands that the rules are very different at her house than ours. We encourage him to do lots (youth church group, working out, phoning friends, doing sports with DH.) She lets him do whatever he wants as long as he stays in her house (she believes the world is a scary place.)

When he arrived at our place, we had relatives in town and so he was very busy. His cousins talked about how busy their lives are with sports, friends and other activities. We hope that he can learn from talking to his cousins who are his age that there are other things he can do besides watching TV and eating junk food.  Just sad to think of the wasted hours he spends and how hard it must be living with someone who is depressed and reclusive. Sigh.

[mamachelle]

Hi NorthernGirl,

I'm with you on this too. Social interaction and also taking initiative on anything social is also challenging for my SS15. He is in a program at school that works on social/job/independence and is in a class called Life Skills. Guessing from your other posts that my SS15 and your SS18 have some overlapping issues.

When SS15 was little and living with mom and dad (who would be at work) I heard stories of my MIL and SIL coming over and the curtains drawn, SS still in pajamas, she in her room watching tv, he in the other room... .   knocking over lamps and starting fires on the couch... .      true story.

Not much has changed.

She now lives with and works for her mother in another state. Her mom is probably uNPD but does not tolerate the depressive stuff with her D so I think that D (bioMom) just kind of calls in sick... .  

Right now, SS15 only summer plans are to do a week of boy scout camp. He does not want to spend a few weeks in summer school because it is mainly just this "life skills" curriculum that he calls "camp". Instead he wants to go out to Mom's before his little brothers and basically spend weeks plopped in front of the TV and on the couch.

It's sad, and I just don't know what to do as I think he has this idealized vision of being away from his brothers and getting to just chill --- but mom has checked out. Not in touch with his needs really ever and especially now. He has no structure with her.

Post high school I am very concerned but that's for another day... .  

I can only do so much as Smom and I am trying to get the school here to extend his part time job as an AV tech (video) assistant over the summer to keep him engaged and want to stay. So it goes.

[newlymarried]

MY SD4 just came back from a few days of a Spring break with her BPDbiomom. SD4 told me she was hanging out with BPDbiomom's felon.

[mamachelle]

Oh no. Sorry sorry ... .   How is she doing? My boys are back in school so some order has come back to their schedules. I also know they always eat plenty... .    

[newlymarried]

She was starving. She ate a ton as soon as we got home. Her mom didn't feed her today, before she dropped her at the exchange. She is very happy to be home. She told me that she missed me and her Dad. BPDbiomom has missed about 30% of her parenting time and it hasn't been a year yet since the divorce.

[NorthernGirl]

Hi Mamachelle. It does sound like our stepsons are similar. I will keep my fingers crossed that your SS15 will make it through this critical time. I think these are the years the kids are trying to gain some independence. It hasn't worked for SS20 (he has addiction issues and is co-dependent with his mom) but despite SS18' development delays, he has been able to be even more independent than his brother.

A few things that have helped SS18:

* he likes his T and she helps remind him that if he wants to get a good job and live on his own, he needs to do more than just sit around and watch TV. I think he likes that she is impartial and tells him that what she tells him is what she tells otherds.

* he particularly likes one of his teachers (who relates well to the kids) and when his teacher told him he thought he needed another year of school, SS18 agreed. This was despite his mom telling him he didn't need to go to school at all, let alone go an extra year. Again, I think SS18 gets that his teacher is impartial and just telling him what he'd tell any other kid.

* DH is able to use SS18's love of watching TV to help shape his behavior. DH has realized (with my pushing) that if he applies a consequence of SS18 losing the privilege of watching his favorite programs, he is much more likely to not break the house rules in the future. Usually this is SS18 caught lying or eavesdropping to share info with his mom.

Hopefully your SS has some impartial mentors that can help him as well. UBPD mom works hard to tell the boys that DH and I are bad people, and even though they know better it leaves a bit of doubt when she tells them what she thinks we are doing. That hasn't worked with some of the other people like his T and teachers.

It is so hard for these kids who are already struggling with all the things that come with having challenges, but we can only do so much against the strong influence of a BPD mom. I have come to realize that we can't fight the little things (like him spending a week doing nothing at her place) but we hope that we are helping SS18 make better big decisions, like staying in school.

[mamachelle]

NorthernGirl,

Thanks for the advice. Your post was so good and it helps so much to have your perspective as SMom to a kid like our SS with a BPDbiomom. wow.

I just re-emailed his lead teacher this morning who is also his case manager, cheerleader, helper... .   and asked her to please talk with him about the summer as well as his schedule next year. My2D's 13 and 16 already have their next year schedule and summer schedule set. I've been emailing her since late January about this and she keeps reassuring me she will deal with it. Ugg.

She is a great teacher but likes to see him smile ... .   everyone likes to see him smile... .   no one wants to be the one to say, you know it's not such a great idea to take German next year kiddo.

He is lately worried that he will be a Super Senior like your SS. He just has this idea about going straight from HS into 4 year college where his dad teaches. I think it is nuts as he can barely write a paragraph that is coherent and at that he has serious anxiety with any any homework. He has a 4.0 but all his classes are special ed- leveled to be much easier. No one wants to address any of this except me.

Biomom is completely completely out of the picture on this stuff. She and he never really bonded and she blames herself I am sure for his issues at times. She smoked pot during his pregnancy -- but still and all-- his issues go way beyond anything she did as a parent at this point. The problem with BPDbiomom is that her drama has -- until she moved away-- always obscured his issues. Now, that he is almost an adult-- I still have my (H's  side) MIL and SIL blaming biomom.

DH goes along with what is needed, but I am worried about SS as he really gets B/W thinking about his future. He would do well I think in a certificate trade school program in video production post HS -- but all these experts keep telling me, Oh... .   he can go to college -- but then when I say, he can't handle homework at all, they say, well he can go to a special ed college and I say, no-- he only wants to go to his dad's college... . and then I get these blank stares.

Ok-- sorry to go on but this stuff bubbles to the surface at times amidst all the other worries I juggle for him.

newlymarried-

Just keep documenting on the visitation and also her condition upon return.

Food is such a highly charged issue. My SS equate food with love and their Mom loves to take them to get food. She is overweight and has a terrible diet. Boys talk mostly about the hamburgers and donuts. At our house, my H also puts a lot into food and cooks a lot. Caters to their food wishes. I try to stay out of it. It's a  mess. They'll be sorting through it in therapy for years to come I'm afraid.

[newlymarried]

BPDbiomom has never fed SD4 well. BPDbiomom got mad at kiddo because she wouldn't breastfeed, since then feeding kiddo has been an issue for BPDbiomom. She also yelled at kiddo every time she pooped. Kiddo had huge problems with constipation when I first came on scene. Now when kiddo is home, due to eating whole foods and exercising there is no problem with constipation. Kiddo and I cook together and she loves it.