We are devastated and even more stressed

[BioAdoptMom3]

So, we need some suggestions from those of you who have been dealing with BPD children for longer than we have.  DD13 was just diagnosed with traits a couple of weeks ago.  We've got suicidal thoughts, self harm, anorexia and bulimia, being the victim of bullying and the typical relationship issues.  We also have an abandoned baby whose only biological relative who she knows is her 19 y/o sister, who was adopted by another family.  This sister is protective of her but not a very good example - dropped out of HS, was pregnant and miscarried at 17, smoker, did drugs, etc.  DD knows all of this and will sometimes in various ways try to identify with her.  On Friday night our DS25 came into our room at 12:30 AM telling us something was burning in his sister's room.  We went in there and smelled smoke, plus she had incense burning (no one in home smokes).  She said she was trying to make her room smell good.  When she was at a softball practice the next day we searched her room and found cigarettes hidden in the back of a drawer.  I am also concerned about the possibilty of pot.  We threw them away and searched further.  We need to confront her no doubt, but what is the best way to do that so that we don't make the problem worse, or make her just more sneaky about it?  There is also always that fear in the backs of our minds that our confrontation will make her more likely to engage in the above behaviors.  The most worriesome is more bulimia or the unthinkable.  Suggestions?  Do we just hit it head on and lay down the law in no uncertain terms?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

well that is a hard line to walk... .   I think I would probably say something to her for sure... .   I think I would tell her that smoking is bad and that you don't allow smoking in your home so it is not allowed. I don't know if you can prevent her from smoking but I would make your opinions pretty clear to her. I might install a smoke alarm right inside her room so I felt more safe.

I have searched my daughters room several times... .   she might not have been happy about it but it is my home and I have the right to do so. I have found drugs and other things related and I have confronted her every time. I think it is important they know you don't approve of that kind of behavior. I think there should be a consequences to her actions... .   so what is hers for smoking in her room? I think that is the question... .   where is she getting the money to buy smokes... .   if she didn't have a door on her room would she be able to smoke? I think some rules need to be laid down... .  

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thanks!  We definitely plan to address it, just trying to figure out how stern to be about it.  Not sure how she got them, though we have been allowing her to go skating on Friday nights with friends and am wondering if she got some from someone there.  She never has much money, so I know she wouldn't be able to afford to keep buying them.  I don't think this has happened before.  We have never smelled it on her nor had any reason to suspect it.  The other night was the only time.  I am hoping our running in there and checking to see what was going on was enough to scare her from doing it again!  She does tend to be a rule follower for the most part - gifted with a perfectionist type of personality.

[jellibeans]

If it is just cigarettes I think you can look at this as a typical teen behavior... .   so I think looking it at that way is good... .   I think you need to be firm and tell her how you feel about smoking. Good luck!  

[JKN77]

She is hanging out with someone that is coaching her. Unless you can stop that interaction, it probably won't be the last time. Someone told her to burn the incents. Keep an eye out for spice, it smells like incents.

I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I have been down the smoking, drug and alcohol rout. It is absolutly no fun.

[vivekananda]

My girl started smoking about then and still does (32 yrs), sometimes there's not much you can do. Nonetheless, values based boundaries are the solution here. You have a rule of no smoking in the house, you have a rule that behaviour that encourages healthy bodies only. This rule is based on respect.

Now I heard from a smart mum here about a list of the core values set by the parents - and the relevant behaviours as it affected all the people in the house. All written up with parents also held responsible for their behaviour. Maybe it's time to do something like that. Have you read the stuff about values based boundaries?

Boundaries - Living our values]

[griz]

My Dd started smoking at age 15.  I was in the same position as you in that I wanted to handle it in the right way. One day I just asked her if she had been smoking as I smelled smoke on her and she said yes.  I didn't overreact I just asked her why and she told me she thought it helped her calm her anxiety.  I told  her if this was the reason then I would be happy to hold her cigarettes for her and give her one when she felt she needed it, no need to have them all the time if they are just to help you calm down.  She couldn't really argue with that and she did use them for a short period of time and then stopped.

I think I took the fun out of it by not making a big deal about it.  I try very hard to pick and choose my battles. 

Griz

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thanks so much for all your great advice!  We have searched her room daily when she isn't home and so far, have found nothing more.  There also seems to be no more evidence of it going on - no odors, anything like that.  I also heard just yesterday from a co-worker at school that the skating rink where she goes has a lot of underage smoking going on, drug deals, kids going in and out and not being made to pay to get back in, etc. DH is calling the police department tomorrow to let them know what we heard so they can check it out and she isn't going to be going there anymore! 

[lbjnltx]

I understand your concern and desire to eliminate negative influences from your daughter's life.  The question is how to go about doing this?

So let's say that there are kid after school giving each other smokes and or drugs (highly likely) what then?

[Thursday]

bioAM,

In reading your post, asked myself, was there something we might have done differently with my BPDSD21... .   because she got started around the same time as your DD. We got a call that she had been caught smoking on her high school campus about four days into her freshman year.

I feel OK in saying we did every thing we could think of. Since she is BPD, what might have worked had no effect.

We have helped my SD more by letting her suffer natural consequences than anything else we've tried but you are dealing with a 13 year old and it would be irresponsible to NOT do everything in your power to at least try to stop her from damaging herself.

Obviously, if she doesn't have money she can't buy cigarettes. SD is 21, she smokes, has a two pack a day habit. She has been unemployed for some time and we don't give her money on any kind of regular basis and yet, for six months now there has been no day that has passed when she didn't smoke. Heck... .   now she is trying to quit and someone she associates with purchased an electronic cigarette for her (at least 80 bucks)

My guess is that if your daughter really wants to smoke or be a part of the "bad crowd" there is nothng you can do to stop her. Give her a talk. Give her the boundaries you need to keep your family safe. Consequences for poor behavior will establish your perameters.

Hold to your boundaries.

Keep searching her room. Sometimes it might stun you, if you DD is anything at all like my SD, how tricky, sneaky, decietful, she might be. If I told you some of the behaviors we've seen from SD, just related to cigarette smoking, it would be eye opening. SD was HELLBENT to smoke. She gave excuses, they calmed her. Cigarettes are a stimulant. I think what calmed her was fitting in. Cigarette smoking doesn't require any interpersonal skills. When you are 13 and have a cig dangling from your lip, you fit right in, instant credit for taking that leap.

I never, a single day, gave up on my efforts to "make" her stop. Looking back, I could have searched her room more and better. It wouldn't have made any difference in her smoking, it just would have proven me right... .   and truth is, she knew she was smoking and I knew she was smoking.

If we could find a place for our kids to fit in without their taking matters into their own hands we would all of us here, already be there.

Love her, tell her you love her and how you feel about her smoking and lying and sneaking around. Certainly worth a shot. And tell her what your boundaries are and be 100% consistent.

Good luck and keep your eyes wide open and never underestimate what she might do and will do.

Love her. Tell her you love her.



thursday

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thank you for your additional comments and encouragement!  You are right.  No matter what we do, she will probably find ways to do what she wants to do.  One thing which surprises me is that she is both a musician (vocal and oboe, and oboe requires a ton of breath) and athlete (fast pitch softball player - pitcher) so I would think that alone would stop her.  But, she does have an intense desire to fit in somewhere.

And yes, I do know keeping her from the skating rink is not going to stop her from doing things she wants to do - she'll find a way, but if I know those kinds of things are going on there, that management and the local police are doing nothing to stop it, I am making it that much easier for her to partake.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders