I hate personality disorders Rant

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Hello,

I've taken a little time off the forum to reflect on my life, the r/s with uBPDh, and everything.  I came back on and have to say that I hate BPD and the issues that cause it.  I hate how many of us here - like me - had unrecognized FOO issues that finally got our attention in the r/s with the pwBPD (of course, better late than never).  I hate how my uBPDh will probably never get better because he is so far in denial about practically his entire existence.  I hate that his family is in denial, too.

I have to ask myself WHY?  I love a man who cannot truly love me.  It's heartbreaking to love someone who can't love you.  And all the stuff that pwBPD are capable of - the situations posted here on a daily basis are heartbreaking.  I just read a post that literally caused my stomach to churn.  I don't know how we do it.

I hate that I learned about personality disorders and the significance of dysfunctional FOO so late in life.  It should be mandatory learning somewhere along the line.  I hate my own codependency and some of my coping mechanisms and I hate what caused it.  Mostly I hate that it took so long to address it.  I hate how I reacted to my pwBPD before I figured it out.

And I hate that now that I've learned about it I see pathology all around me.  Not always full blown, but traits and whatnot.  I guess it's just part of the human condition.  

I hate that there is not a thing I can do about it, other than take care of myself and my kids.  That's a lot of hate to feel on a fine April evening.  Guess I'm in a funk, but I don't feel depressed.  I've been taking care of myself, going to Al-Anon meetings and therapy, spending time with family, working, exercising at the gym, and even some retail therapy.  :)oes anyone else ever feel like this?  

Daze  

[daze]

Hello,

I've taken a little time off the forum to reflect on my life, the r/s with uBPDh, and everything.  I came back on and have to say that I hate BPD and the issues that cause it.  I hate how many of us here - like me - had unrecognized FOO issues that finally got our attention in the r/s with the pwBPD (of course, better late than never).  I hate how my uBPDh will probably never get better because he is so far in denial about practically his entire existence.  I hate that his family is in denial, too.

I have to ask myself WHY?  I love a man who cannot truly love me.  It's heartbreaking to love someone who can't love you.  And all the stuff that pwBPD are capable of - the situations posted here on a daily basis are heartbreaking.  I just read a post that literally caused my stomach to churn.  I don't know how we do it.

I hate that I learned about personality disorders and the significance of dysfunctional FOO so late in life.  It should be mandatory learning somewhere along the line.  I hate my own codependency and some of my coping mechanisms and I hate what caused it.  Mostly I hate that it took so long to address it.  I hate how I reacted to my pwBPD before I figured it out.

And I hate that now that I've learned about it I see pathology all around me.  Not always full blown, but traits and whatnot.  I guess it's just part of the human condition.  

I hate that there is not a thing I can do about it, other than take care of myself and my kids.  That's a lot of hate to feel on a fine April evening.  Guess I'm in a funk, but I don't feel depressed.  I've been taking care of myself, going to Al-Anon meetings and therapy, spending time with family, working, exercising at the gym, and even some retail therapy.  :)oes anyone else ever feel like this?  

Daze  

[SadWifeofBPD]

I hate how my uBPDh will probably never get better because he is so far in denial about practically his entire existence.  I hate that his family is in denial, too.

I can relate.  your story is familiar. 

I'm angry that my H's family never told me that H had a breakdown in college and that he had been seen by a psychiatrist as a young person.  Obviously they knew he was flawed.  His FOO is "messed up" but his family appears "normal" because they're all educated professionals. 

Now that H is an alcoholic as well, instead of them realizing that all of this is related to him history of mental issues, they blame ME.  They actually claim that it's my fault that he's an alcoholic. 

As someone who's been to Al-Anon as well, I know that "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it."   The same applies to his PD. 

If anything, I blame HIS family for his PD.  While he may have been predisposed to it, as far as I'm concerned, his raging dad and indulging mom caused this. 

[daze]

Thanks, SadWife.   

Has your husband been diagnosed that you know of?  Mine hasn't but I wonder if it didn't come up when he was in the military.  Do you have relationships with his family?

I blame my h's family too.  His parents died before I met him (which was only two years ago) but based on what he's told me it was a bad, bad deal.  Now his sister acts like he's fine other than that he drinks too much sometimes, but when he makes even a veiled suicide reference, she's on it.  I've learned how many times she's bailed him out over the course of his life from BPD and alcoholic consequences and it makes me think she's perpetuated it.  I understand a sister loves her brother, but there's a time to let the person hit the bottom and pull themselves up.  After I tried to talk with her about his drinking and mood swings before I learned about the pd issues, she told him and he ended up triangulating (read definition) with her and any hope for a decent r/s with her is over.

From what he's said, it sounds like his mom was n/BPD - something we have in common.  And his sister had anorexia as a teenager and seems maybe a little N herself.

Anger seems to be my go-to emotion lately.  Yes, I know, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

Daze

[SadWifeofBPD]

Thanks, SadWife.   

Has your husband been diagnosed that you know of?  Mine hasn't but I wonder if it didn't come up when he was in the military.  Do you have relationships with his family?

I blame my h's family too.  His parents died before I met him (which was only two years ago) but based on what he's told me it was a bad, bad deal.  Now his sister acts like he's fine other than that he drinks too much sometimes, but when he makes even a veiled suicide reference, she's on it.  I've learned how many times she's bailed him out over the course of his life from BPD and alcoholic consequences and it makes me think she's perpetuated it.  I understand a sister loves her brother, but there's a time to let the person hit the bottom and pull themselves up.  After I tried to talk with her about his drinking and mood swings before I learned about the pd issues, she told him and he ended up triangulating (read definition) with her and any hope for a decent r/s with her is over.

From what he's said, it sounds like his mom was n/BPD - something we have in common.  And his sister had anorexia as a teenager and seems maybe a little N herself.

Anger seems to be my go-to emotion lately.  Yes, I know, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

Daze

When H's was in alcohol and depression rehab for 2 months last fall, the shrink said that he had DPP.  But that was because during that short time H misrepresented himself as "the nicest guy in the world" who is controlled by a control-freak wife who is mean to him and won't do anything for him.  So, he essentially portrayed himself as a super nice hostage to a mean wife.     He certainly did not tell of his frequent outbursts, nor did he provide info about his "splitting". 

When my sister (a T) heard this dx, she immediately dismissed it because she's known my H for 30 years and has witnessed his outbursts, controlling behaviors, his neediness, his impulsivity, etc.   Sis said that there is no way H is DPP.  My sis said that the fact that H is Axis II came thru loud and clear, but the fact that he misrepresented himself and was only seen by this shrink for a short-time caused an inaccurate dx.  If I emailed a few recordings of H's outbursts to this shrink, she'd probably immediately realize that she had been grossly lied to and correct the dx. 

I trust my sis' dx of H.  She believes that H has BPD with some NPD and Paranoid PD traits.  She also said that diagnosing PDs is difficult and can be "hit or miss" because usually the T doesn't see the person in their homelife to see true interaction.  Sis has had that benefit with my H.  Not only has she had frequent interactions, but she has stayed at our home for short periods of time.   Sis also believes that H's dad (my FIL) had some kind of PD, but we're not sure which one since neither of us were around him enough to really know enough.  I do know that FIL was very difficult to live with, had no friends, and had a "my way or the highway" attitude in his home and even his wife was not permitted to speak her mind. 

[daze]

When H's was in alcohol and depression rehab for 2 months last fall, the shrink said that he had DPP.  But that was because during that short time H misrepresented himself as "the nicest guy in the world" who is controlled by a control-freak wife who is mean to him and won't do anything for him.  So, he essentially portrayed himself as a super nice hostage to a mean wife.     He certainly did not tell of his frequent outbursts, nor did he provide info about his "splitting". 

This sounds familiar.  My H's drinking has increased over the last couple of weeks for whatever reason.  I've tried to talk with him about it a couple of times and he said it's my fault, I'm controlling, and I act "high and mighty."  This is because I'm attempting to discuss it with him.  That is not allowed.

We are separated.  He moved back to his house and I stayed in mine and I won't live with him again unless he's sober.  And I don't want to go to his house very often because he still drinks there.  He is in total denial about his drinking.

Glad you have your sister who's a T for validation.  That has to help.  I try not to discuss my situation much with my family.  Plus I'm in therapy myself and am coming to terms with my own FOO issues - namely the N mother with possibly borderline traits.  My sister, who I have a good r/s with, was the golden child in the family and I was the scapegoat.  Anyway, it's a little tricky right now.

I'm sorry you go through these issues too, but I'm glad you are here.

Daze

[eviscerated]

I could change "him" to "her"and make your original post my own.

I'm angry. I'm angry at her giving in to the destructive impulses. I'm angry at the dysfunctional mess of a family she came from,  I'm angry (more at a loss) why G*d allowed her to suffer through chronic illness from childhood, and... .   I'm angry at myself for giving in to the despair of ever hoping for something different. Life is hard... .   and so lonely when there is no one that understands.

[daze]

Eviscerated,

Life is hard... .   and so lonely when there is no one that understands.

Take some comfort in the fact that some people do understand.  My T understands, people at Al-Anon understand, and people here understand.

I'm sorry you are going through a rough time.   

Daze 

[eviscerated]

Mostly, the anger is the incredible frustration of being utterly powerless to save her from herself. And, a deeper sadness with having to embrace that knowledge and the related realization of what it will require to save myself after so many years of trying.

... .   thank you.

[eviscerated]

Hello,

I've taken a little time off the forum to reflect on my life, the r/s with uBPDh, and everything.  I came back on and have to say that I hate BPD and the issues that cause it.  I hate how many of us here - like me - had unrecognized FOO issues that finally got our attention in the r/s with the pwBPD (of course, better late than never).  I hate how my uBPDh will probably never get better because he is so far in denial about practically his entire existence.  I hate that his family is in denial, too.

I have to ask myself WHY?  I love a man who cannot truly love me.  It's heartbreaking to love someone who can't love you.  And all the stuff that pwBPD are capable of - the situations posted here on a daily basis are heartbreaking.  I just read a post that literally caused my stomach to churn.  I don't know how we do it.

I hate that I learned about personality disorders and the significance of dysfunctional FOO so late in life.  It should be mandatory learning somewhere along the line.  I hate my own codependency and some of my coping mechanisms and I hate what caused it.  Mostly I hate that it took so long to address it.  I hate how I reacted to my pwBPD before I figured it out.

And I hate that now that I've learned about it I see pathology all around me.  Not always full blown, but traits and whatnot.  I guess it's just part of the human condition.  

I hate that there is not a thing I can do about it, other than take care of myself and my kids.  That's a lot of hate to feel on a fine April evening.  Guess I'm in a funk, but I don't feel depressed.  I've been taking care of myself, going to Al-Anon meetings and therapy, spending time with family, working, exercising at the gym, and even some retail therapy.  :)oes anyone else ever feel like this?  

Daze  

[ohmygosh]

Yea, seem to relate to nearly every post I read.  Am very angry at myself for been conned.  Am also angry she won't save herself and the best thing is for me to do exactly that.  It goes against my ethics I simply want to help but can't.  It's a frustrating anger cause all she needs to do is get honest and get propper help but seems to keep hitting herself on the head with a hammer so to speak so she doesn't feel the pain in her stomach.  It's also horrible that in many cases they are a mess because they are often rape victims etc.  The whole thing is just all so wrong.  It's simply devastating to everyone.  I feel like a victim as well which is not a good role to play.  When someone is raised with what seems (or there's a lack of raising) like a complete lack of morals it's bad.  They learn to survive through lying without an understanding that honesty and admitting to problems is their best hope.  It all sux, would like to read up on more success stories but they seem rare.  On the staying board most of the comments/stories are as bad as undecided.  Seems very low odds of seeing any success.  They should teach healthy mental health coping mechanisms ahead of maths in school in my opinion, it just seems like such a huge problem that's growing.  Or maybe it's just my exposure to a few people that makes me think that.

[daze]

Omg---

Yes, it sux!  It's hard to imagine my h as a little child sustaining the treatment he went through - physical, emotional and sexual abuse. It makes me sick.

It does seem like its a growing problem. In one of my books, it talks about it as a reflection on our society. Maybe it is "I hate you don't leave me."  I totally agree with you they should teach about it in school.

I wish there was a magic cure.

[ohmygosh]

I was lucky to come from a family that were high on morals and ethics, maybe over the top sometimes.  It is just constantly disapointing to be exposed to so much dishonesty.  Would love to have my naivety back again.  After being involved with a BPD it seems hard to put trust in anyone that together with my own issues of isolation, depression etc.  I think I made more progress when I was in hatred mode in a way.  It is easier to move on when you can't stand them.  Having this understanding now of the hell they go through makes it harder.  It seems like being good/supportive is just an energy/life sapping process.     

I think I will move to the leaving board, maybe that's just venting though as I do care but caring for a dead end seems unproductive. 

Lord give me some faith!

[LosingIt2]

My exBPDgf's parents are BOTH psychologists! We all know she has issues, but I believe they are in total denial... .   particularly because I know her issues are very much a direct cause of their dysfunction.

It sucks. My ex has a pattern of screwing things up and ~ing people over, yet somehow I think they viewed our relationship's implosion as some isolated thing. What the heck.

[LosingIt2]

Sorry. Forgot about the censoring. You get the idea.

[byasliver]

I'm glad I found this thread this morning. It's so much of how I'm feeling. The abuse, the denial, the blame... .   so frustrating! The tipping point for me was finding out that the reason my uBPDh left the military was because he was making violent threats (multiple) to other people he was working with. Not only was he not flagged for testing for any type of  mental issues but I wasn't even notified! He was allowed to lie to me about his reason for leaving! It's not just the PDs that I hate but the whole stigma that gets attached to any mental illness. Ugh!

[daze]

Byasliver,

he tipping point for me was finding out that the reason my uBPDh left the military was because he was making violent threats (multiple) to other people he was working with. Not only was he not flagged for testing for any type of  mental issues but I wasn't even notified!

I haven't read your story.  How did you find out about his violent threats in the military?  You'd think they'd refer him for some type of testing/treatment.

It's not just the PDs that I hate but the whole stigma that gets attached to any mental illness. Ugh!

Yep, me too.  If there were not the stigma, there wouldn't be as much denial.  Theoretically anyway.

Hope you're having a good day!

Daze