Does your pwBPD make a huge deal (for a long time) when you've made a mistake?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Does your pwBPD make a huge deal (for a long time) when you've made a mistake?

I find it strange that if I make a normal human error, my BPDH will bring it up over and over and over again for years.  I'm not talking about big mistakes, I'm talking about very small, insignificant mistakes.  

Over 20 years ago, I misquoted a quote.  No big deal.  YET, at least once a year he'll bring it up in a very taunting and cruel way, as if it's some kind of proof that I'm an idiot.

Several times I've told my H that he expects/demands that I be perfect and that I'm not allowed to have any flaws.  

My sister tells me that the child-like aspect of BPD sometimes causes them to look at certain people (like spouses) as being "all powerful" "all knowing" and so they get very angry where there is evidence to the contrary.  

My H also thinks that I should be able to control the world around me, including controlling other adults.  There have been several times that he's gotten angry at ME because of what other adults have decided to do.  He can't seem to process the fact that not only did I have no input regarding these other people's decisions, but even if I had provided input I wouldn't have had any "power" to enforce.  

Anyway, I think it's very strange that he'll keep bringing up honest mistakes, yet he would never tolerate anyone doing that to him.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Does your pwBPD make a huge deal (for a long time) when you've made a mistake?

I find it strange that if I make a normal human error, my BPDH will bring it up over and over and over again for years.  I'm not talking about big mistakes, I'm talking about very small, insignificant mistakes.  

Over 20 years ago, I misquoted a quote.  No big deal.  YET, at least once a year he'll bring it up in a very taunting and cruel way, as if it's some kind of proof that I'm an idiot.

Several times I've told my H that he expects/demands that I be perfect and that I'm not allowed to have any flaws.  

My sister tells me that the child-like aspect of BPD sometimes causes them to look at certain people (like spouses) as being "all powerful" "all knowing" and so they get very angry where there is evidence to the contrary.  

My H also thinks that I should be able to control the world around me, including controlling other adults.  There have been several times that he's gotten angry at ME because of what other adults have decided to do.  He can't seem to process the fact that not only did I have no input regarding these other people's decisions, but even if I had provided input I wouldn't have had any "power" to enforce.  

Anyway, I think it's very strange that he'll keep bringing up honest mistakes, yet he would never tolerate anyone doing that to him.

[daze]

My pwBPD is actually pretty good about my mistakes over little things.  My H does fault me when I respond humanly to things.  He told me and everyone I was perfect from the beginning so of course I disappoint him when I don't respond to something perfectly as he thinks I should.  Like when something stresses me out or whatever. 

He also criticizes my child-rearing and my sons, who are in high school.  He seems to think that my sons will be teenagers forever and do adolescent things forever.  Black and white thinking.  Not able empathize even though he was once a teenage boy himself.  Not able to see that people grow up and change.  Maybe he's thinking of himself... .     Of course, he hasn't raised kids full-time from start to finish though he has three so he doesn't really know what that's like.  He thinks two sons, who are little, will be perfect.  He had a really hard time when his older son was diagnosed with Aspergers last fall.  He even lied about the diagnosis to me.  His daughter is 21 but he has moved out of state when she was little and saw her a couple of times a year.  I digress.

Anyway, I think it's very strange that he'll keep bringing up honest mistakes, yet he would never tolerate anyone doing that to him.

My husband doesn't tolerate criticism at all.  Yesterday he texted me "Happy Easter.  Christ has risen."  And I texted back "He is risen indeed."  And he got mad because he thought I was correcting his grammar.  I was like no, it's an agreement - something we say in church.  So then he got mad because I "corrected" him about the "correction."  No win.

[SadWifeofBPD]

He told me and everyone I was perfect from the beginning so of course I disappoint him

I didn't realize that this was going on until several years ago, my SIL made a comment that my H adores me.  I remember pausing and wondering why she thought that.  She said that he speaks so glowingly about me - how I'm the smartest woman he's ever met, etc.   This bewildered me because he's so harsh with me. 

But, then I realized that behind my back (when he hasn't painted me black), H probably does brag about me. 

I wonder if this "putting on a pedestal" is a back-handed way of complimenting himself.  Afterall, if you brag that your wife is smart, beautiful, sexy, etc, then maybe you're trying to suggest that you must be pretty wonderful yourself to get such a spouse. 

Of course, as a mere human, I'm going to make mistakes, etc, so I guess when I do so then I'm challenging his desired belief that I'm the smartest woman in the world.      So, then I don't deserve to be with him because he deserves such a woman to make himself feel good. 

OMG - I think I just figured out that mystery. 

[daze]

I wonder if this "putting on a pedestal" is a back-handed way of complimenting himself.  Afterall, if you brag that your wife is smart, beautiful, sexy, etc, then maybe you're trying to suggest that you must be pretty wonderful yourself to get such a spouse.

Interesting!  I never thought of it that way.  Kind of like mirroring.

Of course, as a mere human, I'm going to make mistakes, etc, so I guess when I do so then I'm challenging his desired belief that I'm the smartest woman in the world.      So, then I don't deserve to be with him because he deserves such a woman to make himself feel good. 

Yes, I think you solved it!

[schwing]

Does your pwBPD make a huge deal (for a long time) when you've made a mistake?

I find it strange that if I make a normal human error, my BPDH will bring it up over and over and over again for years.  I'm not talking about big mistakes, I'm talking about very small, insignificant mistakes.  

I have observed this behavior in many circumstances.  I believe this is related to their "splitting" behavior (i.e., black and white thinking). When you "split" people, you see them as either "all good" or "all bad."  And so when someone makes a mistake, you (the splitter) see them as "all bad" because only "all bad" people make mistakes.  And "all good" people never make mistakes.

This is very unrealistic and immature way of looking at people, but it is what it is for people with BPD (pwBPD).

Here's something else I've learned about this behavior.  The "splitting" applies to their own self perception as well.  They cannot tolerate it if *they* make a mistake.  So in order to avoid the severe self-criticism, they need to have coping mechanisms to avoid this self-punishment: they focus on other people's failings.  Or they complete disconnect (dissociate) from their own failings (i.e., victim mentality).

Over 20 years ago, I misquoted a quote.  No big deal.  YET, at least once a year he'll bring it up in a very taunting and cruel way, as if it's some kind of proof that I'm an idiot.

I would bet that on those occasions that he's bring it up, he is deflecting his own inadequacies about some mistake his made.  In his mind, if you are the "idiot" then he's not.

Several times I've told my H that he expects/demands that I be perfect and that I'm not allowed to have any flaws.  

Exactly.  But you may need to accept that in his mind, you can *only* be either "perfect" or "completely flawed" with no in between.  Keep in mind, one need not always be devalued or idealized... .   this distorted perception can alternate.

My H also thinks that I should be able to control the world around me, including controlling other adults.  There have been several times that he's gotten angry at ME because of what other adults have decided to do.  He can't seem to process the fact that not only did I have no input regarding these other people's decisions, but even if I had provided input I wouldn't have had any "power" to enforce.

I would see it not as he is holding you responsible for the actions of others.  But rather, he making you the scapegoat of his own distorted (and disordered) emotional feelings.  If he feels badly, he blames you.  It doesn't matter what kind of mental gymnastics he need to perform to get there... .   it is more convenient for him to do so, that to bear the responsibility himself.  Because he does not have the mental resources (and perhaps he has not motivate to cultivate these resources) to manage his own distorted and disordered emotions.

Anyway, I think it's very strange that he'll keep bringing up honest mistakes, yet he would never tolerate anyone doing that to him.

It is strange only if you do not consider his borderline personality disorder.  For pwBPD, this kind of behavior is par for the course.

I didn't realize that this was going on until several years ago, my SIL made a comment that my H adores me.  I remember pausing and wondering why she thought that.  She said that he speaks so glowingly about me - how I'm the smartest woman he's ever met, etc.   This bewildered me because he's so harsh with me.  

He is harsh with you (devaluation) except when he adores you (idealization).  The root of this idealization and devaluation behavior has more to do with his disorder than anything you do.

I wonder if this "putting on a pedestal" is a back-handed way of complimenting himself.  Afterall, if you brag that your wife is smart, beautiful, sexy, etc, then maybe you're trying to suggest that you must be pretty wonderful yourself to get such a spouse.  

I don't think it is as helpful to try to analysis this behavior from a "non-disordered" perspective.  This is a real mental illness.  Consider that you exhibit behaviors of someone who is *not* disordered that you completely take for granted, where as for someone with BPD, it might be next to impossible to do the same things.

Best wishes, Schwing

[SadWifeofBPD]

Schwing... .  

Thank you very much for your perspective.  Very insightful.  thanks!

Here's something else I've learned about this behavior.  The "splitting" applies to their own self perception as well.  They cannot tolerate it if *they* make a mistake.  So in order to avoid the severe self-criticism, they need to have coping mechanisms to avoid this self-punishment: they focus on other people's failings.  Or they complete disconnect (dissociate) from their own failings (i.e., victim mentality).

I agree.  When H has made a very minor mistake exposed that he can't deny (for instance, he drops and breaks a glass), he really beats himself up.  I'll say, "hey, it's just a glass, no big deal".  But, to him, it's a big deal.


One time he was looking for his keys (he frequently misplaces things), and I suggested looking in his gym bag since he had just come from the gym.  He RUDELY yelled at me that he would never put his keys in his gym bag and that I was stupid for suggesting that.  After a few more minutes of looking, he looked in his gym bag and there the keys were.  HE BROKE DOWN IN TEARS.  I guess he painted himself "black" at that moment because there was no one to blame but himself. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

He is harsh with you (devaluation) except when he adores you (idealization).  The root of this idealization and devaluation behavior has more to do with his disorder than anything you do.

Yes, and for people who don't know about his illness, they're left scratching their heads.  As I've said in another thread, my H hasn't have much contact with his family for the past 30 years.  Contact has been very sporadic, mostly dealing with sickness/death of FIL, and illness of MIL. 

  About 6 years ago, when he painted me black, he told them that I had had an affair.  He based this accusation on an innocent situation - a man asked me out for a drink, I said I was married and declined.  (I was with my sister at a high school football game.so the guy thought I was singlel  During the game we were ALL chatting about the score, players, etc.   I was wearing gloves because it was very cold, so my ring was covered.)   I promptly told my H about the situation, but he insisted that I must have "done something" to encourage this (I had NOT), and that I must have gone out with this man.  (absolutely not - heck, I was with my sister!).  Anyway, H told his family and co-workers that I cheated on him.  So, his family turned totally against me.  H later claimed that he corrected the situation, but I doubt he did because to do so would have made it look like an idiot.  Furthermore, I don't believe he ever set the record straight because MIL used to always send us anniversary cards, but once he told them that crazy story, she never sent another card. 

Last Aug, H painted me black again, and went to see his family.  He told them outright lies half-truths, etc that they furthered their hate for me.  H stayed up there for over 2 months and filed for divorce (at their strong encouragement).  During those 2 months, he'd "loosen' his "black hold" on me and actually brag about me.  His family was bewildered.  How could he talk so glowingly about this "Atilla the Hun Wife"?   His sister said to him, "you're never going to divorce her because you love her too much.  How can you say such wonderful things about a spouse that you say that you want to divorce?"

Rght now, I haven't spoken to H in about 10 days.  I'm sure he's "bad-mouthed" me plenty to his relatives through phone calls and emails.  I know that one thing he's saying is this:  "She lied.  She promised to help me get sober, but she didn't."  Ugh.  I did try to help him.  I encouraged him to go to AA meetings.  He asked me to go with him, and I did (open meetings).  But, soon, he didn't want to go anymore.  He was drinking too much and didn't want to go and have to say that he had recently drank.

[Clearmind]

Yes and I would counter-attack – Didn’t help much!

He is harsh with you (devaluation) except when he adores you (idealization).  The root of this idealization and devaluation behavior has more to do with his disorder than anything you do.

This is a really important point. We do tend to personalize the accusations and blame and as a result counter-attack, justify or explain believing it will help. It has the opposite affect.

This does not put us in a good position to be about to step outside the drama – instead will become lost in it just like our loved one is.

Our relationships are high conflict and it helps to see it as such and learn to respond to our partners rather than react. Arguing does not centre or calm an outburst, it only exacerbates it.

It helps to find news ways to handle old concerns Boundaries are also crucial to protect you.

Reacting vs. responding--what's the difference?

[MakeItHappen]

Understatement!