Approaching the topic of BPD with social services?

[indigosun]

Dear All.

Its been a long time since I have posted on the forum.

I hope all are well.

For those that don’t know, my ex who has been diagnosed with BPD abducted our new born son from England back to her home land of Germany. He was made a ward of the court in England for his own protection but since this order was made the mother left England breaking the law.

I had a court case in Germany and England, the England court stated the removal of my son was wrongful and he needed to be returned, the Germany court refused to return him.

Now I’m left with the only option of talking to the Jugendamt (Germany youth offices) to try and see my son. From what I have learnt the Jugendamt are always in favour of the mother, and if you put into the mix that I’m English this courses me all kinds of problems.

I was wondering if anyone on this site has had to deal with social service’s regarding their ex and false allegations? And how they approached the BPD topic. My ex has been officially diagnosed with BPD in Germany. What I have learned is that if you say anything that could be seen as negative about the mother it will be documented by the authority’s as the father being negative towards the mother. 

I have been in the court system for about 1 year and half and still have not seen my son. Even though the German court did not uphold the return orders made in England they did end the Judgment that the mother must let me be in my sons life to help with his development.

The mother has not made contact and my German lawyer has said that I must now send a letter to the Jugendamt. This is when she will again tell her lies and try and keep me from seeing my son. This is a very nasty case of parental alienation and it needs to stop as it will have negative effects on my son.

Thank you for your time in reading this. Any advice on how to communicate with the youth office would be appreciated.

[indigosun]

I wanted to add that the mother has ran away from treatment in Germany when she was younger and has ran ever since. If i had been told at anytime during the court cases that the mother was in treatment again and also my son was healthy i would have dropped all court cases.

but i have had no word about my son in over a year and half and the mother is using smoke screens to hide behind. she has always projected onto me, and now is saying i have paranoid schizophrenia. thankfully i have medical reports that state i have never been diagnosed with any mental health problems apart from a brief depression some years ago.

[livednlearned]

Hi indigosun,

What a nightmare. I'm so sorry to hear it reached this point.

What led to your son being made a ward of the court in England?

Your situation seems much more complex because it sounds like Germany does not follow the Hague Convention (?). My home country is Canada, and there is a very specific protocol when parents abduct the children, including lawyers that handle Hague Convention cases.

I understand that the German court is refusing to have your son returned, but did the court also say you could not see him? I don't have experience dealing with social services, but I notice that you consider BPD being treatable -- that tells me you do no necessarily see the disorder as "bad". Can you not present it the same way to Jugendamt? Also, you say that Jugendamt always favors the mother. People say that here in the US, too, about fathers getting full custody. But there is a lot of research that says men don't often ask for full custody. Not to say there isn't a gender bias, but sometimes fathers get discouraged before they even get started. They let the bias beat them down before even giving it a chance. Not sure if that's happening in your situation, but felt like it was worth saying.

If you want some ideas about what language to use when defending yourself against false allegations, I would recommend the book Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. He offers specific examples of what BPD parents might say to alienate the child, and then specific responses about how to respond. ":)ear Jugendamnt, My ex has returned to Germany with my son and I have not been able to see him x years. Ex made false allegations about my mental health, and I wish to take this opportunity to respectfully set the record straight -- those false allegations are not true. If you wish to see my medical history or have me undergo a mental health exam, please instruct how to do that. I have not seen my son for almost 2 years and I miss him so much. I believe it is essential to my son's well-being to have me in his life."

Something like that. I think it can go either way when mentioning BPD. It depends on how you do it, but you mentioned you believe BPD can be treated, and I'm not sure why that cannot be part of how you present BPD. "My ex was diagnosed with BPD when she was x years old, and I while I am hopeful that she will seek treatment, she had opted to not follow what was prescribed when we were together. I am not sure if she is currently in treatment. Making false allegations and emotional reasoning are characteristics of people who are BPD. My number one priority is to see my son and have a relationship with him."

Maybe you could also problem solve for them -- offer a few scenarios about how they could support you in seeing your son, in ways that allow for some control. For example, see if they will agree to supervised visitation. Or perhaps they will write a letter of support to the authorities that give you permission to see your son. I don't know, just tossing out possibilities. In my experience, it helps to always offer solutions (plural) because in general people aren't always good at coming up with them on their own. When you do describe a possible solution, try to make it a win win for you and Jugendamnt." They have no reason to believe or trust you, so you'll have to earn that trust.

Sorry to not have much to offer. It gets so much more difficult when borders are involved. I'm currently not able to travel with S11 to see my family in Canada because N/BPDx won't write the letter of permission I need to cross the border.