Often overlooked perks during divorce

[marbleloser]

Just wanted to share.Last night,myself,kiddos,and their mom were at an event together.She was pretty mad prior to this and refused to let me take the kiddos,so she brought them instead.

At the end,I gave them a hug and told them I love them.They get in her vehicle and are driving away as I'm walking to mine.Then her vehicle stops and the kids open their doors and hold their arms open for another hug and kiss this time.

Little things like this remind me of why I'm doing this.I think we tend to overlook these moments with the complexity of the divorce process looming.At least I do.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, it's the seemingly little last-minute things that mean so much.

Sadly, the disordered ones don't or won't notice.

When we were divorcing, my son was barely 4.  At exchanges he would come out from the sheriff's offices racing to me, all smiles.



Edit:  This is what I continued to write.  This part wasn't so joyous but I feel I have to leave it in.

Returns were vastly different.  Often he was crying and I had to carry him in.  Naturally, she would accuse, "What did you do to him?"

I remember one night he simply refused to go, I had to carry him in kicking and crying.  As I started to drive away, she called me to come back into the lobby because he was out of control.  What it was really - he was desperate to leave with me.  I held him for a while and then said I had to leave.  I had to block him from squeezing through the door after me.  Then she took over as I left.  It was heartbreaking leaving him sobbing and reaching for me.

It took a couple years but eventually he became accustomed to the exchanges and that was the new normal for his life. :'( He's a pre-teen now but still daddy's boy.

Oops, sorry, I didn't mean to rain tears all over.  It's just what immediately came to my mind when reading your post.

[GaGrl]

Even in a divorce between parents who are NOT disordered, the transitions are difficult.  I was always glad to see my son excited about being with his dad, but Sunday evenings were a bear for about 18 months after the divorce, and that's about the amount of time it took for his dad and me to settle into being divorced parents together.

I just think you're being honest and real in telling both the good and the painful, FD.

[marbleloser]

Thanks FD.Sometimes it is heartbreaking.There's a gloom that comes over them when it's close to exchange time.

They get more lovable and just want to sit close.

Last night,S9 was in a terrible mood when he got to the event.I'm guessing since she was mad,it influenced him.By the time our hour was up,he was smiling,hugging,and laughing.I took that last hug and kiss as a "thank you".

[scraps66]

The real issue is - some of us don't get these moments.

[momtara]

sad but true, scraps.

one reason i guess i'm glad i'm getting divorced when my kids are young, before he has a chance to manipulate them.  (but he probably will later.)

[livednlearned]

Yeah, it can be mixed.

One perk for me is that trying to understand BPD made me pay way more attention to what it means to be healthy, and what it means to parent in healthy ways, so I could raise an emotionally and psychologically healthy kid. I don't know any parents in my circle who think about parenting in that way. Many of them think about the activities their kids do, and the kinds of grades they get, and all that stuff (which is important). But I have to acknowledge that my marriage to N/BPDx and divorce opened me up to a way of parenting that has significantly impacted S11's mental and emotional well-being. In many ways, he is much more adjusted than some of his peers. And he and I have a really deep, bonded relationship.

Wish me luck through the teen years 

[marbleloser]

Same here lnl. I give alot of attention to the kiddos emotional stability and issues now.Grades,although important,can be a stumbling block if too much emphasis is placed on them.S9 and I were going over his spelling words the other night and he was having trouble with some.He broke down because he didn't know a couple of them,like it made him feel like a failure.He said he'd get yelled at if he didn't make a 100.I told him I wasn't going to yell and to do his best on his test.He said,"Yeah,but mom will".

We had a long talk over that.He was putting so much pressure on himself to be "perfect" that it caused anxiety.

He made a 95 on his test.After the pressure of being perfect was removed,he was able to relax and just do his best.

I never gave much attention to how little things affect the kids,but now I try to make it a point to stop,validate them,and ease their minds a bit.