DD15 in RTC

[jellibeans]

My dd15 is in a RTC... .   we had our first family therapy Monday. It started out well but when she realized she wasn't coming home with us she got pretty angry and wanted to leave the room. My h called that night to see how she was doing and she told him to f himself.She has not taken our calls all week and has refused to see us this weekend.

My question is I am not sure what to do... .   how long can she keep this up? Should I just do nothing?

I thought of writing her a letter telling her how much we miss her and urging her to particpate in the program but I am unsure that is the right thing to do. I just need some advise because I am really unsure of myself right now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi jellibeans,

So sorry to hear that she is being verbally abusive.  She is angry and doesn't understand why she can't just come home and that you don't understand that she will "behave herself".  She doesn't have the skills to "behave herself".  It can take a great deal of time and effort before she gets it.  The best you can do is give her the chance to learn and accept why she is there and that she has the power to change what needs changing.

Have they done any testing with her yet?

[jellibeans]

Yes they have done testing but I have not seen results yet. I have just been leaving her but I wondered if a small note would help convince her to move forward. pwBPD seem so sensitive and hurt so I wondered if a sent her a note validaing her feelings etc might help?

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans,  I am so sorry to hear your daughter is upset. When my daughter went into rtc she was very angry at us.  We had weekly meetings with her and t and at the end of the meeting me and my husband would meet with the t alone.  I was sick to my stomach to have to put her in a rtc but what she was doing was so dangerous we had no choice.  We would meet weekly like i said and then every weekend we would visit her on sat and sundays .  After a couple of months maybe two she could come home for weekends and holidays.  I know how you feel every night i just wanted to run there and take her home but we couldnt at that time that is where she belonged.  I guess my best advice is to follow your gut instinct we moms usually have a sixth sense about alot of things.  Ask questions show up there when you are not scheduled to be there.  And always remember you are doing this because you love your daughter and want to help in to get healty that is all we really want is for our children to be happy and healthy I am sending you tons of hugs Take Care of yourself and never second guess your choices because it is all done out of love for our children

[jellibeans]

mggt

how long was she mad for before she started coming around? My dd is so stubborn I am afraid it is going to take her a long time... .  

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans,  It took her a long time I know not a good answer actually she is still mad and it was almost four years ago.  I would say a couple of months some days better than others her mood.  She had all of them in the palm of her hands with my d from the outside she looks like has it altogether very pretty very polite very charming and the other kids there you could tell right away they had problems.  It was run all by dbt but she never applied the skills and still does not to this day.  Dont give up everyones has different experiences with dbt it is good but they need to apply skills learned.  Again I know how hard this is your heart literaly aches for your child I use to say I could feel the Strings from my heart being pulled .  I would try and validate her feelings and concerns the best you can but... .   if you feel comfortable with rtc you have to hang in there for your d sake.  Our d was in the rtc for 1 year actually she was put there on her 16th bday imagine our guilt, because I had fought this direction for her for so many years I Knew in my head she belonged in a rtc but my heart did not.  We did everything possible before this lead up to her in rtc there was no other options hope therapys med phys anything we had to try and remember that is what you are doing .  I think you said she is a hour away so that is good .  Just keep trying to reach out to her but also give her space to be mad .  It will take her a while but remember you are her mom and she will always need you they just dont show it sending you tons of hugs mggt

[jellibeans]

Thanks mggt... .   our two d sound a lot the same.

She called last night and we are going to see her Saturday. I think she is still mad but realizes it is not helping to shut us out. I am glad we will see her. That helps releive my worry and it is nice to see her. We are going for lunch and I will bring some nail polish to do her nails. I know it will take time. I am taking advantage of my free time here at home and going to start a few projects. I can focus on my older d who is graduating soon. It is nice to spend some stress free time with her.

Thank you for your insight mggt... .  

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans, So glad she called you and you are visiting her on saturday.  Im sure its a relief to you that she called you can breathe now.  Enjoy your other d and know that your other d is safe.  Hoping you have a great visit on Saturday.  Tons of Hugs mggt

[griz]

Hi jellibeans:  I don't have any experience with RTC but I am so glad that your D called and you are going to visit. The nail polish sounds like a great idea and it is wonderful that you are getting to spend some stress free time with your other daughter.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Griz

[jellibeans]

We went to visit today... .   brought food for lunch... .   we straightened her hair, did make up and nail polish. It was a good visit and she was a bit sad at the end but held it together okay.

I just got a call about 20 minutes ago saying dd15 had escaped and run away with two other girls... .   they are searching for her now. They say they don't get far but they don't know my dd.

I am pretty disappointed she has done this and I am now worried sick. I think she was good at fooling them and gaining their trust. They said she was just out on the patio and she and the other two girls bolted.

anyone else have a runner?

[Being Mindful]

Hi jellibeans,

My d. did not run while in RTC, but many kids did and they always found them. My d. was a runner while at home. It is horrible waiting to hear something. Please keep us posted. In the mean time 

Being Mindful

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Well I have not heard anything... .   it is almost midnight... .   my h has gotten in the car and is driving down there. the nurse is our only contact and she has no information for us. I don't even know if they are looking for her. She could not give me the contact information for any staff or what their runaway protocol was... .  

I called the police to ask what they were doing... .   they said they have her name on a nation wide search and a description of her has been sent out to officers... .   but it seems no one is really looking for her... .   I have been waiting for the officer in charge of her case to call me and he/she has not done so. I have been waiting for an hour now for that ... .   I called again after 30 mins and no one seemed to be able to contact the officer in charge.

so I am just waiting... .   and having my doubts in this RTC... .   so disorganized and under staffed... .  

[jellibeans]

Well my h was able to talk with security at the RTC... .   they were out looking for 4 hours and then gave up... .   I have no idea if they will resume their search in the morning. The police are not looking for her at all... .   in less she happens to walk up to them and tell them her name... .  

My h says there was a big game on and the downtown area is closed off and full of bars and people partying... .   not sure she went that way... .   they spotted her earlier at a walgreens... .   clerk reported them... .   my dd has a dollar... .   not sure how she got that but I bet she is try to find a phone and call someone... .   not sure who... .   I have contacted two friends but they say they have not heard from her... .   but one of them has lied to me before so I am not sure if I can trust him... .  

if anyone has advise... .   if you had a child in RTC and they ran away... .   I could really use some guidance... .  

[jellibeans]

They have found my dd and are returning her to the RTC... .   I have been worried sick about her. I will have a lot of question for the center they really were not prepared and did a horrible job of giving me information about what was going on. Stopped looking for her at 11pm... .   I think that is terrible... .   she could have been pick up and raped or killed... .   my heart is sore from the hurt... .   I am going to bed now... .  

[Surnia]

jellibeans 

So sorry about it and glad they found her at least.

Try to catch some sleep 

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans,  So glad they found your d what a relief .  I think you need to have some very hard questions for this rtc they stopped looking for her at 11 pm that is ridiculous.  My d never ran while in rtc anytime they were outside there were always a couple of staff with them.  I remember the nurse in our d program she never knew anything they should have some definite protocol about runners who and when to contact .  get some . Tons of hugs mggt

[Being Mindful]

jellibeans,

Is this a locked facility?

Being Mindful

[JKN77]

jellibeans, I have been busy with stuff around my place and haven't logged on for a while, so sorry to hear what you have been going through. My son was in a long term facility for 10 months. He agreed to go, it was a lock down facility, but even with that, I felt sick every night for months. Never knowing if it was the right decission. I absolutley know how hard it is.

I am so glad that your daughter has been found. I too would question the facility. How was she allowed to run? Why wasn't there more security? They only searched for 4 hours, really?

The facility my son is was different. They didn't use the dbt, but at the time we didn't know my son had BPD, he was there because of drugs and trouble with the law, and we just couldn't keep him here any more. If he had acted up during a T session, the T would have (and did) asked him to leave the session, then the T would finish the session with just my H and I. We were not allowed any other phone calls except during the T sessions. I am not sure, but it seems to me that this facility is not holding her accountable for her actions. Why would they allow her to talk to her dad after she told you two to f - off? I know it is hard not to have contact with her and want to make it all better, but she still needs to learn.

I think having your child in an RTC is about as hard as having them in jail. I didn't sleep and felt sick for months. But, it did help - not cure, but helped.

[jellibeans]

This facility is locked but I think they were coming back from dinner... .   the staff got a phone call and was distracted... .   the girls took their opportunity and ran... .   I think they planned it... .   they had sweaters on and it was around 80 yesterday.

My dd called this morning... .   I was still asleep so I didn't talk with her but she told my h she didn't know why she did it. She was hoping to go to juvie. She had be told that would happen if she ran away for home again so she figured she would be sent there.

She said they hung out at McDonalds and people bought them food... .   I don't know what to believe from her and I will never hear the real truth.

I have lost all confidence in this RTC... .   it was a shear nightmare last night... .   nothing short of that... .   my husband spent the night looking for her when the Center should have been out there... .   it is inexcusable and negligible on their part.

[Being Mindful]

Dear jellibeans, I don't intend to be harsh but the reality of kids running in RTC's is typical. It's unfortunate, but it does happen even in locked facilities. What they do (the staff) as follow up is crucial. Upon placement did you receive material that outlined everything within the setting... .   expectations, treatment plans, security. etc. Do you know specificially how they intend to treat your daughter? What type of therapy, how often, expected outcomes etc. How often does she see a therapist and psychiatrist? What will happen on a first run? Is there a second chance?

Being Mindful

[jellibeans]

We are requesting a meeting tomorrow to discuss all of those questions... .   We have just had a verbal for some of those questions but I realized we didn't have a parent handbook. Something we need and something we should have received but didn't. I am extremely disappointed in how they handled her run away... .   I also disappointed she ran but the stress we endured because of the lack of communication with the center is unforgivable. No one has called us today either which I think someone should have done so. They are just so unorganized there but tomorrow we hope to get a full report and plan of action going forward.

We have our family therapy tomorrow and that should be very interesting. I am so very exhausted today and I know I am not thinking straight so I am trying not to make any major decisions. I am having a hard time today... .   I can't stop crying and I am so discouraged and have lost hope.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans,  Im so sorry we all feel your pain get some rest   

[BioAdoptMom3]

I have been gone all weekend so am just now seeing this.  I am so sorry about all that has transpired!  I have never been this route, at least not yet and I cannot even begin to imagine what a nightmare this was, literally!  You must have been worried sick about her and I know you have to be incredibly angry right now!  My heart goes out to you in your worry.  I wish I had advice.  All I can do is pray for your wisdom!   

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: We had our family therapy tonight... .   I sat there while my dd explained to us she wasn't going to try and get better... .   she is waiting until she is 18 then she will be gone and living on her own... .   she is not sorry for running away... .   in fact had the best time... .   she is like a hero to the other girls and they are just mad she didn't take them with her. She is on lock down and is not even allowed to go to school. Her work is brought to her which she loves being by herself. She pretty much told us we were all screwed up and she didn't care about anything or anyone.

That is when I lost it... .   I told her how frightened we both were and how her father spent the whole night driving the streets looking for her... .   I told her I cried the whole weekend... .   I told she was selfish... .   cared only for herself... .   I told her it was a waste of time for me to drive the hour to come see her for therapy if she just didn't care and wasn't there to try and work on her problems... .   and I walked out... .  

I am so tired and so done with validating someone that just doesn't care... .   she sat there all smug and with such attitude. It was insulting and abusive. We are not going to visit her this weekend and if she doesn't call this week I won't be driving all the way there again... .   we can do family therapy on the phone... .   I just wanted to shake her... .   she has to understand we are not going to sit there and let her spout off to us and threat us with such disrespect. I don't know when she is going to come around but until she shows some effort there will be little contact from me. She thinks this is all some kind of a game... .   and I feel like I am being played... .  

How long will it take and is there a chance she will never get it?

[Being Mindful]

I'm sorry jellibeans, this is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you are suffering.

The very sad thing jellibeans is that your d. does not have the skills to realize the impact of her behavior. She does not have the skills to understand that behaviors and poor decisions will have consequences for herself and the rest of the family.

Your d. and the kids of all the parents here are very ill and in so much pain. It is so hurtful to us. I finally had to get to a place of acceptance that my d. is sick and to work very hard to not take her actions personally. There were times when my d. was in residential that we stopped visits for a while. It was necessary to protect ourselves from her.

Anyway, I just want to remind you that you are not alone. We are here for you.

As far as your question of how long will it take? I wished we knew, I wished we knew.

Take care 

Being Mindful

[JKN77]

jellibeans, I am sorry. I can completely emathize with you. I have had plenty of times when I didn't handle a situation that well, especially when the cuss words come flying, or he tries to gasslight me. It is hard. And it doesn't help that you were already so stressed out from the worry of not knowing where she was when she ran. To be honest, I probably would have done exactly what you did.

Sometimes the attitude is so abusive, I get it. There have been times when I thought I would have gotten farther from talking to a fish than my son, they get so shut down to reality.

Hang in there... .  

[lbjnltx]

Hello jellibeans,

Sorry that the visit didn't go well with your d.  Unfortunatly I think it is probably typical for a first family therapy session since she has only been there a few weeks.  See, this is why many RTC's limit contact for the first 3 weeks... .   to give the kids time to see why they are in RTC... .   it is just the beginning and the beginning is where it all comes from.

There are 2 (or more) philosophies on the lockdown... .   feeding the behavior if isolation feels like a reward OR remaining in the routine to send the message that "you are here for the long haul"... .   the only experience I have had was the use of the later... .   that my d's behaviors/unwillingness to work on self authentically would just prolong her stay... .   which puts the responsibility on her where it belonged as well as teaching the very valuable lessons of consequences, personal accountability, personal power and that people believed in her ability to do it all.  

When a girl runs at Falcon Ridge they remain on "close watch" for as long as the treatment team deems it necessary... .   "close watch" means remaining within 10 feet of a staff member at all times.

How long it takes for a girl to start to "get it"?  :)epends on the girl, the program and the level of peer accountability.

For what it's worth jellibeans... .   I think you did the right thing by holding her accountable and not entertaining her while she disrespected you and your husband.  I would be interested to know how the t handled this.

lbj

[vivekananda]

hey jellibeans, I am sorry I only just found this thread. My heart goes out to you for all that you have suffered with rtc, your dd and just everything. You must be feeling so hurt and powerless and worried all mixed up.

I can offer you no advice but I can send you strength (belatedly). You are in my prayers and thoughts until things ease up. While you sleep you are in my heart and mind.

remember to be strong,

Vivek      

[jellibeans]

Thank you all for your advise and understanding. It is funny... .   I feel like I have come to a point of acceptance but in times like this it is hard to control my anger. I have a long ways to go... .   I just feel I had held it together for so long and been trying to validate and be very calm it was like I wasn't even there... .   she just didn't hear me... .   she just walked all over me.

She didn't call last night and I doubt she will all week. We both need a break. When I saw her she looked like she had lost weight. She looked like she had been to hell and back. Her face was pale and she looked sick. I know being there is taking it's toll on her right now but she seems to be going deeper into a different world. Her reality is very different for ours. The things she was saying just didn't make any sense. Her T tried to ask her questions to see if she could realize that what she was saying didn't make sense but she just didn't get it. it was like talking to the wall.

thanks Being mindful, JNK77, mggt, grid, Vivek , lbj, surnia... .   thanks for all your advise... .   it really means a lot to me... .   and just thank you for being so kind. I do feel bad about yelling at her... .   just tired and desperate... .   I hope in time she will come around. 

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans,  Dont be to hard on yourself,  we deal with alot never ending we all have our breaking points.  I know I have reached mine many times this disorder is so bad it effects everyone around us and we as moms handle most of it .  Give your d sometime do adjust there.  She will be safe there now that they know she is a runner they will keep extra eyes on her.  I remember when our d was in the rtc there were constant good days bad days not sure when she will come around and get it but we left the rtc many nights arguing with our d only for her to call us a couple of days later, she would call and say she was all alone there and then I would panic and call office and guess what all the staff were there.  Just watch out for the lies and guilt it can destroy you take care and tons of hugs