Medical appointments - taking child to

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi there

Has anyone had this happen to them? 

DH's exUBPD is trying to insist that only he and she can take SS to medical appointments. She doesn't even want me to ring up to make an appointment. She doesn't work and DH does. She made an appointment for SS during DH's parenting time but failed to tell DH about it. We found out from the medical provider ourselves. DH was working, and I am currently on holidays, so I took SS. Now she has had a conniption that I took him and is demanding to know what was said. Given that she has refused to provide any information to DH about the most recent visit to the paediatricaian (and the paed wants to refer SS to a psychologist - and she won't tell us why), Dh replied that she can ask the medical person herself. Okay, maybe he shouldn't have done that. But it just seems that everytime she takes SS to an appointment, DH has to get in touch with the medical person himself, and yet if he or I take SS, then she demands to know what was said.

This woman has breached court orders on so many occassions, and has withheld and threated to withhold SS, it isn't funny. And then tries to turn it around and say that DH was the one who has threatened to not return SS, and that is why she is "going to withhold" him. BTW, DH has not threatened to withhold him.

Aaargh... .  

[Catsmother]

Hi there

Has anyone had this happen to them? 

DH's exUBPD is trying to insist that only he and she can take SS to medical appointments. She doesn't even want me to ring up to make an appointment. She doesn't work and DH does. She made an appointment for SS during DH's parenting time but failed to tell DH about it. We found out from the medical provider ourselves. DH was working, and I am currently on holidays, so I took SS. Now she has had a conniption that I took him and is demanding to know what was said. Given that she has refused to provide any information to DH about the most recent visit to the paediatricaian (and the paed wants to refer SS to a psychologist - and she won't tell us why), Dh replied that she can ask the medical person herself. Okay, maybe he shouldn't have done that. But it just seems that everytime she takes SS to an appointment, DH has to get in touch with the medical person himself, and yet if he or I take SS, then she demands to know what was said.

This woman has breached court orders on so many occassions, and has withheld and threated to withhold SS, it isn't funny. And then tries to turn it around and say that DH was the one who has threatened to not return SS, and that is why she is "going to withhold" him. BTW, DH has not threatened to withhold him.

Aaargh... .  

[marbleloser]

If it was on H's time,she has no say.She can show up for the appointment,but she can't stop you from taking SS to the doc.And,you're right.He doesn't have to tell her anything about the appointment.She can find out from the doc.She has access to medical records.That way,she can't say she was misinformed by H about anything either.

Tell her to put her big girl panties on.

[DreamGirl]

I don't take my stepdaughters to their appointments unless both parents think it's OK.  

It's not the end of the world that my stepdaughters' Mama wants the responsibility of the medical stuff to be between my husband and her. I think that's partly because I think that since the two of them are the responsible parties, it's not that unreasonable of a request.

Your SS's mom is irrational. Yes. Does she have the right to now what happened at the appointment? Absolutely. It's OK that she's an absolute hypocrite, it's kinda part of this disorder - where they don't really have the skill set not to condemn the behavior in you that they justify in themselves. Don't play the same game, and do the "well, she makes me call the Dr., so she can too." That's stooping to a level that I don't think you really want to be at.

Don't engage in this.

Next time, if she makes an appointment on your husband's time and he doesn't have the time? Either reschedule or he should let her know that he's unavailable and that either you can take him or she needs to.

Unless, of course, you are adamant in that you be able to take him. Is it a hill to die on?

If not, DH could just reply with: "I don't think it's necessary that only you or I take SS to the doctor, but if it's important to you, I will be sure to contact you first if I am unavailable to take him."

Once my stepkids' mama knew that I didn't really care whether or not I was "allowed" to take them? She quit caring too. I can't remember the last time it wasn't me who took them to the dentist.

-DG

[Catsmother]

Dreamgirl, yes, I did think afterwards about sending her the info. Not that there was really anything discussed. It was more the specialist telling me what they had told the mother, and which the mother in fact, had not passed on to the father.

The mother makes a lot of appointments for the child, and then invites DH along. The appointments are at locations that are over an hour away from us, and always seem to be in the middle of the day. So he would need to take at least three hours off work. She never consults him about appointments, but then has a go at him because he doesn't attend.

He did attend a parent/teacher interview because he was able to get a time after work. Strangely, she didn't go. And the one medical appointment that he made on his time, and which she said she would go to, she conveniently forgot.

And the very first paediatrician appointment that she did make for SS, DH told her he would go to the appointment as well, he left work five hours early, and she got "lost", and didn't turn up.

[Catsmother]

DH has now sent an email with the requested information. Most of what was told to the mother was information that the medical specialist had already told the mother, but that the mother had not passed onto to DH (he refrained from saying "you did not tell me this". He also told her of the couple of things that I passed onto to the specialist.

The mother has a history of demanding information from DH, but not reciprocating. It took nine requests from DH to get a copy of a scan report, and over seven months to get information about an extracurricular activity (they were long distance then). Once the mother passed on that particular piece of information, DH tried to get in contact with the provider of the activity, who had to get in touch with the mother because she had not put DH's details on the enrolment. As far as the provider was concerned, SS did not have a father. The provider tried for two weeks to get in touch withher without success. Eventually a copy of the court orders was sent through.