My uBPD partner is 40yo. Can I enlist his mother to help support him?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After a childhood of trauma, war, bullying, an abusive father, and constantly changing schools my uBPD partner of 3 years excelled at school, sport and music and qualified as a surgeon. Genius level IQ.

Only to lose it all through poor responses to very stressful situations.  Lost friends, family, colleagues

Deregistration, legal trouble, debts, broken engagement,

Endured 5 years in the wilderness

He Got a second chance as a doctor 4 years ago.  We met 3 years ago. We   Were very happy for two years despite his family disapproving of his RS with me as I have been previously married and have two sons. 

A year ago his life exploded again. He lost 1 million dollars in 3 days gambling.

I rescued him financially and implored him for the last year to get gambling therapy.

In desperation I finally told the family the extent of the gambling debt , my concern for him  and his rages and my attempts to get him to help. I was hoping they would support him getting the help he needed.

Instead, The father was furious and wanted to punish his son.  Ordered me to disappear.

He was about to come down and confront him and I bought time for him telling him I got him to agree to gambling treatment.

The father and sister turned on me, told me I was just trying to help myself.  (I have loaned him 300,000)

Reluctantly I raised the issue that their son could be quite unwell mentally at times but never at work.   I didnt have a name for it at that stage.  I just described the madness of the raging and my fear.

The father exploded, denied it, says its just ego, but admits he's covered for his sons misdemeanors his whole life.

His mother blames herself for "making him that way"

Its just awful.

Now I have learned it is BPD and I have raised this as a possibility with my partner who is vigorously trying to deny it as well as maintaining denial of the catastrophic gambling.

His mother is in communication with him but  is not loaning him any more money.

I am being accused of destroying all his  support bases i.e.  by telling his  family about the gambling they are no longer bailing him out financially

Do I try to contact the mother and try to explain BPD?

That it is nobody's fault

That her son needs her acceptance and support(not money)

That there is help available

That other high functioning people cope well with therapy

Is that crossing the line?

Or have I already crossed a line by disclosing his rages and gambling?

Can a parent of a 40yo adult BPD son help?

[optimismandlove]

After a childhood of trauma, war, bullying, an abusive father, and constantly changing schools my uBPD partner of 3 years excelled at school, sport and music and qualified as a surgeon. Genius level IQ.

Only to lose it all through poor responses to very stressful situations.  Lost friends, family, colleagues

Deregistration, legal trouble, debts, broken engagement,

Endured 5 years in the wilderness

He Got a second chance as a doctor 4 years ago.  We met 3 years ago. We   Were very happy for two years despite his family disapproving of his RS with me as I have been previously married and have two sons. 

A year ago his life exploded again. He lost 1 million dollars in 3 days gambling.

I rescued him financially and implored him for the last year to get gambling therapy.

In desperation I finally told the family the extent of the gambling debt , my concern for him  and his rages and my attempts to get him to help. I was hoping they would support him getting the help he needed.

Instead, The father was furious and wanted to punish his son.  Ordered me to disappear.

He was about to come down and confront him and I bought time for him telling him I got him to agree to gambling treatment.

The father and sister turned on me, told me I was just trying to help myself.  (I have loaned him 300,000)

Reluctantly I raised the issue that their son could be quite unwell mentally at times but never at work.   I didnt have a name for it at that stage.  I just described the madness of the raging and my fear.

The father exploded, denied it, says its just ego, but admits he's covered for his sons misdemeanors his whole life.

His mother blames herself for "making him that way"

Its just awful.

Now I have learned it is BPD and I have raised this as a possibility with my partner who is vigorously trying to deny it as well as maintaining denial of the catastrophic gambling.

His mother is in communication with him but  is not loaning him any more money.

I am being accused of destroying all his  support bases i.e.  by telling his  family about the gambling they are no longer bailing him out financially

Do I try to contact the mother and try to explain BPD?

That it is nobody's fault

That her son needs her acceptance and support(not money)

That there is help available

That other high functioning people cope well with therapy

Is that crossing the line?

Or have I already crossed a line by disclosing his rages and gambling?

Can a parent of a 40yo adult BPD son help?

[griz]

Hi O&L:  This is a tough one but I can kind of relate.  My brother who is 1 year older than me sounds very similar to your partner.  Very smart all his life, speaks 4 languages fluently and started out going to college to be an interpreter.  I didn't realize when we were growing up but her was also the master of manipulation and has been that way all his life.  He was doing well in college and out of nowhere lost everything. STopped attending college, lost friends, broke up with his long time girlfriend.  He later married and had a pretty good job which he screwed up and lost and also got involved in gambling.  I only found out because luckily someone that worked at my parents bank called me and asked me why they were withdrawing large sums of money monthly.  I was able to figure out pretty quickly what was going on.  I, in trying to help, went and paid his bills (which were quite large) so they wouldn't turn off his electric, water and gas as he had two small children.  I got my family and his wife together and told them that he had  gambling problem and I also believed due to his raging and bizarre behaviors that he suffered from some kind of mental illness.  I convinced everyone to attend a GA meeting with me, it was very upsetting to all but I was convinced that we could get him the help he needed.

Even with all my good intentions my parents continued to make excuses for him, his wife accused me of being self serving and my brother sat back and watched me take the hit.  The end result was I have no relationship with my SIL, I have not seen my one nephew since then (he was10 at the time and he is now 25), I had a very limited relationship with my brother after this until 2 years ago when he just cut me off for no reason.  Even though in trying to help I suffered the consequences I would do it again only because in my heart I know I used every tool I could to try to get him help.  He never accepted it, my parents as I said just made excuses as they still do 15 years later and his wife and I have never spoken again

Maybe you could write a letter to his mom, explaining your good intentions and exactly how you feel.  I don't know how old his parents are but if they are like my parents they grew up in a world that doesn't understand mental illness.  Maybe if you could let her know that she has not fault in this but maybe the power to help she might be willing.  The reason I thought of a letter is because you can't argue with a letter like she might with you in person and maybe if she reads it she can digest it at her own pace.  I hope this turns out well for you and I hope they are open to listening.  Unfortunetly since my family wasn't open to listening my brothers issues have continued to get worse and he now never, ever leaves his house. 

Keep us posted on how it goes.  I wish you the best.

Griz

[pallavirajsinghani]

Darlin" you are still so desperate to help him... .   still enmeshed, still co-dependent, still maternal, still protective, still a knight in a shining armor... .  

As a mother to an adult child, you should do what you think is best.  Neither you, nor us can determine what the outcome may be.  You may be alienated by everyone, including your loved one.  Or you may earn their eternal gratitude, love, respect and acceptance.  No one can predict, what the outcome may be.

OR

You can decide to begin to detach and start paying more attention to your own personal needs and wants and desires and start promising your own children a healthier and happier parent.

Make the choices that you would want your own child to make under these circumstances.

Our desire to help someone many times far exceeds our ability to help them.  Sometimes it is hubris on our part to believe that we can actually help.   Sometimes, the AA prayer speaks the best... .   O Lord, grant us the wisdom to decide what is within our power of change and what is not.

I hope that diligent, rigorous and ruthless introspection will tell you when your intervention can be effective and when it can't.  Past history may be a strong indicator that will tell you the parameters of your influence.

God bless.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Reading this may present some insight.  No, I am not discouraging you from helping a person you love.  I am only asking you to assess as to what extent will your "help" may truly be helpful.  I am coming from a position of compassion for you, your children and your beloved.


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0

[vivekananda]

pallavirajsinghani has the wisest words. I would carefully consider them.

In the meantime, I'll give you my personal perspective. My dear daughter (dd), 32, has BPD. We 'discovered' this last year. Of course she has always been that way, since a child. There is BPD in my family and my husband's.

My dd is not genius, but is in the upper echelons of academic ability (or was). She has rejected us since we began to put boundaries in place. Her life is a mess.

If one of my dd's partners, boyfriends etc had ever told me that she had BPD. That information would have been heard through the filter of a lifetime of experience protecting my child from people who hurt her. People with BPD have been hurt all their life because they cannot manage their relationships, and they seek comfort and support form parents when it happens. Parents always hear their child's view of the world and their hearts break for their hurt 'babies'. I doubt I would have accepted the information.

My dear husband (dh) and I grew up in families where BPD traits were accepted. Our own personality traits include less positive aspects (which I hope we are working on!). A sense of superiority in one form or another is included in that. Your dh is highly intelligent, his parents are likely to be also. I wouldn't be surprised if they thought they would know their son better than you do. I suspect that like me, they would have dismissed anything negative you said as part of a strategy to hurt their son and get what you want. That would have been how I would have seen it.

About 8 years ago, my dd's partner of 7 years, on breaking up said that living with her was like walking on eggshells. I understood that because it was how I felt myself. It was only last year that I made the connection with BPD. Probably because the information about BPD wasn't out there.

If I could suggest that if I were you, based on my experience, the only thing I would say would be something like, living with him is like walking on eggshells. If they asked what you meant, I would say, Google it! That would take them straight to Randi Kreger's book on BPD. I don't think telling them any more would be helpful to you, him or them. They need to discover and accept in their own time.

In the meantime, look to the wise words of Pallavirasinghani and take care of yourself,

Vivek  

[optimismandlove]

Thank you Vivek

Thank you for giving me a mothers perspective.

I appreciate your wisdom.

I definitely hear what you are saying about becoming defensive but also knowing it may be inherently true.

I have already raised the possibility with the family that he has a kind of undiagnosed disorder, but didnt have a name for it.

Sadly, all I could describe was that he became sociopathic in a rage.

Whilst the father vehemently rejected the "tag" he conceded he had witnessed it several times and even his own mother had all the contents of the freezer hurled at her when she confronted him once about gambling.

His mother has been broken for a long time.

She looks haunted.

She is deeply religious

She blames herself for "creating" him imperfectly

It is terribly sad

She is ashamed for previously thinking I was a "golddigger"

and is very grateful for me standing by her son these last 3 years thru very arduous times, publicly and privately

She has given me her blessing.

It is the father who refuses to acknowledge it could be a disorder,  rather than pure ego.

[vivekananda]

thanks optimismandlove 

it is a BPD trait to look for someone to blame for a situation, isn't it? This is what I think and you can take and disregard what is not relevant for you, it's late at night for me now (way across the otherside of the world to you I expect) so I may be blunt because I am a tad tired. I don't mean to be abrupt though... .  

How easy it is for a mum to say 'oh woe is me, it's all my fault' now attention is given to me as mum for feeling so bad, now I will get lots of positive reinforcement for me with people saying, oh it's not your fault... .   you did the best you could, no one could have been a better mum, look at all the opportunities you gave to him, the strength and support you have been for him... .   I may be a bit harsh, but that's my MIL's perspective. (my dh is not BPD but has an inherited illness)   

How easy for a dad to say, it's not that at all. He has control over his life, he can shake himself out of it if he wants. If his life is out of control, he is to blame. It doesn't have to be that way... .   I may be a bit harsh, but that could be my FIL. With that attitude, he doesn't have to look at himself and see his role with his son.

How much 'truer it is to accept the serenity prayer: give me the grace to change what I can change, accept what I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

Optimismandlove you can only change yourself. My advice would be to look to the most vulnerable in your life and understand what you can do to support them but most of all, to take care of yourself. On the forum's here is the best support for you (according to my experience). There are people who understand what you experience and can offer you a wide perspective based on their own experiences. There are resources here for you to begin to develop your understanding of BPD and the skills you need to help yourself and provide the right sort of support for your loved one (if appropriate). Familiarise yourself with what is available here for you is my advice and immerse yourself in the appropriate forum for you. Every time you post, whether you have a problem or if you are responding to another, is a reinforcement of your learning.

good luck optimismandlove - I hang out on the 'parent's forum' perhaps you are best on the 'Staying/Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner' forum... .  

let me know what you think, ok?

Vivek  

[optimismandlove]

Thank you lovely

You are very grounded.

Our problems are so universal, arent they?

I like the Serenity prayer lines

I have let go of the idea of trying to engage with his mother now.

You are right.  I have arrived at the right place for me to grow and learn.

I am so appreciative of this site.

Thanks again for your perspective and wisdom

Time for me to 'hit the sack'now

OandL. 

[crazylife]

I think we have all been in your shoes at some point. Everyone wants their loved one to get better, to improve, to see the light. But that is OUR wish. Sometimes they can see it, usually at rock bottom, but often times their manipulative behavior bullies the people surrounding them so life "works" for them,  as much as iit can... .   ie work, friends, etc. Just from the little I have read, many are quite brilliant. But intelligence has nothing to do with mental illness. At some point,despite their intelligence, their personal choices catch up with them. I know you want to help, to help him not lose his medical career, however that is his choice. and screwing it up is his choice too. It may take him losing that career for him to see the reality of his choices. Sad for sure but there are many like him that lose a promising career to mental illness and/or gambling.

It is very hard to stand back and watch them, but often it is what we have to do. You can still be supportive and keep your life/children protected. Create your boundries and post them somewhere you can see them daily. I dont think you have to read him the laundry list, just as things come up use the SET model and  share your truth.

The 2 things I have learned thru this is 1.) you cannot fix them, 2.)you have to learn to  protect  yourself and your children and pets.

These are very liberating when you can shed your perceived responsibility of the pwBPD. Your responsibility is to YOU and your children. That is first and foremost. Only when you can do that effectively,can you consider him. Yes, it is a harsh reality. And I think many feel your pain... . I surely do.

[optimismandlove]

Thank you tweetie!

I hear you and am doing my best to disengage.

It is the terrible waste of a spiritual healing gift that I will mourn if he continues to head along this path of self destruction.

I know many of you will feel I am over idealizing him but he is a gifted healer and has gained international acclaim for some of his work and research in the past and continues tomstun specialists with his diagnoses.

He is truly gifted which is why I have stood by him.


He is not a mere mortal in that regard.

But I have separated the man from the gifted healer and will not tolerate the antics of the damaged man anymore.

I will, however, in a healthily detached way remain respectful and supportive of any good that he does.

It is scary untying the rope but it is very loose now and my relationship with my sons is growing healthier day by day.  They have  me "back with them".

We are having a fab time on our holiday. Just had a mini golf tournament and the 9yo won so he is on cloud nine.  Now off To meet up with my folks then off to a movie.

Life is good.