am i correct in thinking this an object constancy issue?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've noticed that my uBPDexgf has never given me a direct answer about breaking up while we are face to face. She deliberates, says she isn't sure, she needs time and so on. This bothers me bc I can never have a healthy discussion about our relationship while we are together. She makes promises, but then once she succeeds in getting away from me, as in she refuses to see me in person or I am away so the only way to communicate is on the phone, she is able to become totally cold and removed from the situation and then decides to end things. It's easy bc once I start expressing myself she can hang up on me, or says things like I am manipulating her or interrogating her and then she'll get off the phone.

I just don't understand how she can appear emotional in person but she treats me like I am a nuisance on the phone and can just cut me out. Plus, giving her space never seems to help. I try to be respectful by giving her time, but it still doesn't make a difference.

[LosingIt2]

I've noticed that my uBPDexgf has never given me a direct answer about breaking up while we are face to face. She deliberates, says she isn't sure, she needs time and so on. This bothers me bc I can never have a healthy discussion about our relationship while we are together. She makes promises, but then once she succeeds in getting away from me, as in she refuses to see me in person or I am away so the only way to communicate is on the phone, she is able to become totally cold and removed from the situation and then decides to end things. It's easy bc once I start expressing myself she can hang up on me, or says things like I am manipulating her or interrogating her and then she'll get off the phone.

I just don't understand how she can appear emotional in person but she treats me like I am a nuisance on the phone and can just cut me out. Plus, giving her space never seems to help. I try to be respectful by giving her time, but it still doesn't make a difference.

[blecker]

It may be something as simple but powerful as courage.

She may have been hurt physically by a man at some point and is insecure in provoking a conflict in person.

Never the less, this relationship seems to have some deep communication issues. 

[grad]

My take is she still has feelings for you but is involved with someone else

[LosingIt2]

grad: yeah? I don't know why that is my hunch, too. What would make you think that? Kind of bothers me... .  

[grad]

When they're being indirect it's usually because a person is hiding something.  I believe most BPD can't handle being alone, my ex certainly couldn't be (they always need someone to mirror or they feel lost, hate their life, incomplete, etc).  It really sounds like she's a little indecisive, knows she still has a grip on you, but it's a convenience thing.  pwBPD tend to believe that everyone eventually will hurt them so although she may be involved with someone new, she has a known quantity in you and wants to keep that door open.

[grad]

I will add one anecdote that may help you relate.  I'm currently on speaking terms with my ex again.  When we first broke up she said it was to "be free and see other people" and when I asked if it was for someone else, she said no.  We both knew the truth though and she had started to have an emotional attachment to someone at work and wanted someone who was "safer" for her and more emotionally available me.  In the first 1.5 weeks after we broke up she was there to talk to me about things while the disbelief was still settling, finally admitted that her friendship was becoming more than just friends, and then over the next 2 months my text messages every 2-3 weeks were basically met with false promises to call me back or just ignored completely. 

Then about 1.5 weeks ago I sent her a message asking "can you at least tell me you're happier now" and she responded immediately with "i'm very happy, how about you" which started to re-engage our friendship.  I know this girl loves me deeply and although our r/s was only 2 months (and 8 months of friendship prior), I don't believe she can fully paint me black.  Our biggest issue was my lack of validating her emotions.

So anyways, now that we're on speaking terms again I've seen her at work twice and I can adamantly say that she's not as happy as she made it out to be.  Her life is progressively getting worse, she sends out feeler questions to see if I think it could work now and if I was single.  We were even discussing some of the difficulties we had being together (not validating her emotions, giving her comfort when she was vulnerable, etc) and she started to tear up. 

So she's still has feelings for me, not sure how she really feels about her new guy, and seems to have some interest in me.  Can't consider it anything more than that.