pretending i'm withholding

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Husband did it again. Came to the house to get our kids for the weekend, then left, then sent an email saying I withheld them from him!  (we are going thru a divorce so i guess he is trying to build a case... .   )

I need to have my lawyer send his lawyer a letter, so it's on record and doesn't keep happening.  Anyone got any other strategies?  I do not want this to happen next time he comes to get the kids.

And yes, I have scores of emails that show my side, but he responds by sending me lying emails, and I think a judge would just say we're both nuts and ignore both sides' emails because he can't tell who is telling the truth.  If you have to respond to a BPD person's imagined scenarios all the time, you start to look nutty yourself, right?  No one wants to hear 12 hours of he said/she said.

And how can we do pickups in such a way that there are witnesses so he can't say I withheld?

[momtara]

Husband did it again. Came to the house to get our kids for the weekend, then left, then sent an email saying I withheld them from him!  (we are going thru a divorce so i guess he is trying to build a case... .   )

I need to have my lawyer send his lawyer a letter, so it's on record and doesn't keep happening.  Anyone got any other strategies?  I do not want this to happen next time he comes to get the kids.

And yes, I have scores of emails that show my side, but he responds by sending me lying emails, and I think a judge would just say we're both nuts and ignore both sides' emails because he can't tell who is telling the truth.  If you have to respond to a BPD person's imagined scenarios all the time, you start to look nutty yourself, right?  No one wants to hear 12 hours of he said/she said.

And how can we do pickups in such a way that there are witnesses so he can't say I withheld?

[scraps66]

If you don't have a schedule for the kids, then you need one.  This past week this wasn't even good enough for my exBP/NPDw.  this way you may not need a neutral location.  Some have written into their orders that transitions are done at some neutral location, like a police station.  The best way in my opinion to eliminate a lot of grief is to make the transitions part of the childcare.  In other words, if you have this situation, make the pickup[s at daycare or school.  This gives you a little leverage in enforcing the schedule and it eliminates the contact with a whacko ex-spouse.   

[momtara]

Thanks.  All advice appreciated!  Yeah, we may have to do police station, but I don't know if he'll agree, since he's scared of police... .  

I feel so powerless that he keeps doing this, while I scramble to try to accommodate him.  Isn't there a way to prove this and stop it?  Grrrr.

He is giong to make a court motion to say I'm keeing him from the kids or something... .  

[hadenoughtoo]

Does you phone have a video recorder? Start recording pickups, if he protests refer to the emails he sends where he lies about not seeing the kids.

Scared of police? Good, that can work in your favor. My updex is terrified of courts, police and judges and it worked in my favor.

[Thunderstruck]

Definitely don't do the "I didn't withold, you're lying" type of response. If I were drafting up a reply I would say "I apologize for the confusion, I certainly would not want to withold the children from their father. Let's work together to make visitation smoother. I propose _____hit" and that's where you can suggest exchanges at a neutral location or through school/childcare or with a neutral third party or recording or whatever.

His communications may be raging and accusatory, but if yours are productive and rational then any reasonable person like a judge would see that. Or so I would think.

[ForeverDad]

Yeah, we may have to do police station, but I don't know if he'll agree, since he's scared of police... .  

If you tell the court you want exchanges at a local police station to feel safer and/or avoid problems, they'll listen to you.  The court wants to avoid incidents.  It may not be up to him to 'agree'.

In my case, when exchanges weren't at school or daycares, my exchanges were at our police station for over four years.  It was her request.  I didn't mind because we each had protection orders at first and besides I didn't want her to make allegations.

[Matt]

Write an e-mail to your lawyer saying exactly what happened, with as many details as possible, like maybe:

On Sunday April 7 at 5:00 p.m. Dadtara came to my home at Address.  This was the agreed time for him to pick up the kids and keep them for 3 hours.  The kids were ready to go with him but he left without them, by his choice.  Then he sent me a text which said "Blah blah blah your fault blah blah."

Please inform his attorney that I will continue to cooperate with weekly visits as I have agreed.

[momtara]

Thanks.  It's a good reminder that the emails should be positive and not accusatory, and look at solutions.  I needed that! 

[Matt]

Yes, and it's a way to document exactly what happened.

The sooner you do it, and the more details you include, like times and places, the more credible it will be later, when your stories conflict.  You'll be able to show that you wrote it down soon and in detail, and by e-mailing it to your attorney you will prove when your account was written.

(Attorneys are "officers of the court", so if yours submits a document and says he received it at a specific time indicated on the e-mail, the court will probably accept that as solid.)

[momtara]

That's good.  In the past I had no way to show that I submitted things to him at a certain time.  I am going to CC my L on major stuff.