Worried about my temper recently

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So once again here I am being a part time weekend "friend husband" meaning a sexless long distance part time "friendship" that walks and talks a lot more like a marriage - this is pretty much the hallmark of relationship behaviour between me and my UBPDexgf.

Last night I snapped when she confronted me over turning off the hall light and cursing about it. She kind of verbally attacked me and then dismissed my response in a hostile way to which I reacted like some out of body force was pulling at me. I don't know where the rage came from but as usual it likely piled up until I exploded.

So she kicked me out and swore I would never be invited back and I had to drive an hour home at midnight exhausted. I spent several hours on the phone once I got home with a counsellor from my EAP just to calm my nerves.

I'm so worried that being around her puts me a risk for such extreme outbursts when I don't feel in control. It scared her understandably and while I tried to assure her I would never harm her, my outburst scared me also.

[Awesome Jim]

So once again here I am being a part time weekend "friend husband" meaning a sexless long distance part time "friendship" that walks and talks a lot more like a marriage - this is pretty much the hallmark of relationship behaviour between me and my UBPDexgf.

Last night I snapped when she confronted me over turning off the hall light and cursing about it. She kind of verbally attacked me and then dismissed my response in a hostile way to which I reacted like some out of body force was pulling at me. I don't know where the rage came from but as usual it likely piled up until I exploded.

So she kicked me out and swore I would never be invited back and I had to drive an hour home at midnight exhausted. I spent several hours on the phone once I got home with a counsellor from my EAP just to calm my nerves.

I'm so worried that being around her puts me a risk for such extreme outbursts when I don't feel in control. It scared her understandably and while I tried to assure her I would never harm her, my outburst scared me also.

[Awesome Jim]

I guess I should have added that my frustration started with when I fell asleep on the couch and she stomped her foot to wake me up. It startled me and it upsets me that she does this (sometimes she will purposely scare me if I fall asleep near her on the couch and she thinks it's funny - sometimes she even does it in the presence of her 9 year old son whom she engages with when doing it setting a bad example).

So when I went to bed and there weren't enough covers on the bed (because the dog will sleep there and she doesn't want more laundry but never mind whether I'm warm enough or not) and I was cold and she had the TV up loud enough downstairs that I had trouble sleeping I was already pretty pissed off. So when she turned the hall light on and left it on for ten or fifteen minutes and it woke me up I was already surly and upset so I cursed when I turned it off. She then came up and was confrontational with me asking why I turned it off and then what I had said. I tried to defuse the situation by saying I was just frustrated cuz I couldn't sleep. So when she more or less threatened me after antagonizing me and turning away and saying something like "you ing better not say (whatever)... .   " is basically all I heard and then I just snapped. I jumped out of bed and told her to stop talking to me that way and to start treating me with respect and to let me sleep when I am tired. I broke my own rule and called her a pretty nasty name (I do not like name calling in an argument - it's mean and counter productive and unnecessary) but I was just standing up for myself after a full day of snide sarcastic barbs and verbal and emotional abuse to which I guess I'd had enough and to which interfering with my sleep was enough to put me right over the edge.

I realized right away how aggressively I responded and it frightened her I guess and I did apologize right away for my explosive outburst. She even asked if I was asleep after it happened because it happened so quick and because I felt like I had just woken up and come to my senses (very strange feeling and I felt sudden remorse like "what have I done?". I realized after what had happened and why it happened and it was because she had threatened me and I reacted the way I did likely becuase I was sleep deprived and frustrated rather than the way I normally do with a calm discussion.

I want to call her and just talk about it but as usual she split me black immediately, acted as if I was suddenly a threat to her and her son (I simply raised my voice and demanded she stop abusing me and I never physically threatened her nor had any intention of hurting anyone), and then kicked me out of her house and banished me from her life completely (after knowing each other for over 20 years and being "together" off and on for 6). I'm just very upset that she would just cut me out of her life like that. If she really cared about me she would at least have a conversation with me to understand why I was so upset. Of course the truth is she enjoys using and abusing me and so when I stand up to her she needs to threaten me and punish me for rebelling.

So I don't even know why I feel compelled to call and talk about it but I do. Does anyone think this is a bad idea or do you think it will at least clear the air and relieve some stress?

[hithere]

Sounds like you are in a really bad relationship... .   lots of people here (myself included) have told stories of how our own behavior over time has gotten much worse because of the stress of dealing with someone that has BPD.  What does your counsellor recommend?  Why are you still with this woman considering things sound really bleak?

[lockedout]

That's similar to the crap I up with up until I left. When I first moved out, I had our son for the night. When he wouldn't settle down at my old place, I ended up taking him back to the house. She came home inebriated and woke me up telling me how I had so many other priorities over our son (for getting him 15 minutes late because I was out to dinner with a WWII veteran for whom I was a guardian on honor flight and she had plans with a friend). She antagonized me to an extreme before telling me I needed to leave. The lock were changed a couple days later. Before that she enjoyed sneaking in the house and startling me. She'd purposely stay quiet then suddenly appear. If I voiced my opinion, it was "abuse". And yes, I have driven off in a rage and called my EAP.

I'm three months NC (except as needed for our son) and doing exponentially better. You need to consider if this is worth even trying to save any more. One of the hallmark BPD behaviors other than projecting, blaming, gaslighting, etc. is inciting anger in you so they can turn it around and say that you're violent or unsafe to be around. They love it because they can then turn around and play the victim card for anyone willing to listen.

[blecker]

Hi Jim.

Being self aware is good. Having a conscience is good. Resisting is good.

Illiminating the source of your anger is priceless.

Please consider separating until you can stabalize your feelings. She won't, you can.  

[Awesome Jim]

I called her Monday at work to get my guilt off my chest. I apologized for the severity with which I reacted because I realize I scare the hell out of people when I lose my temper badly. I didn't apologize for what I said except for calling her a horrible name - something I swore I would never do again following my divorce 12 years ago because it is not something I want to be part of my character.

She, as usual, used this whole episode to her advantage by telling me that my outburst was violent (it was loud and explosive but I did not threaten physically at all nor did I throw anything - in fact she threatened me physically if I ever "come at her like that again" and that she slept with a hammer under her pillow even though I left and drove home at midnight (an hour home to my place) even though I am not a vindictive person, felt bad for exploding immediately once my temper subsided (and apologized for my outburst right away), and have never behaved that way nor violently toward her in the past. She told me she thought I was going to hit her even though I had no such intention (I just wanted her to stop bullying me and to hear me) and I have never done that in the past.

She lied to her parents and her son (who slept through the whole thing 10 feet away) that I had to leave for a family emergency (so not the truth which I told her to tell him/them). What this does is protect herself from scrutiny from their knowing there was an argument and also makes for a potentially non-permanent situation - meaning she told me that night to never come back and she never wanted to see me again.  The therapist I talked to came to the same conclusion as I regarding that - i.e. clearly if she meant for it to be permanent she would have told everyone she kicked me out because I am a violent and dangerous threat or something. This also exposes her for being manipulative and controlling on multiple levels.  Also now she says she's not entirely sure what she's going to "do" - - after hearing all this, as usual when her transparency reveals itself, I feel relieved and also almost have to hold myself back from laughing a her child like attempts at manipulation because I see through them but play dumb and don't let on. I was also told I was extremely "brave" for calling her - ok there Tarzana.

I don't really know if I will ever see her again or not but it's most certainly not the first time I've been in this exact situation so I don't sweat it much anymore. I'm happy in life on my own accord and I keep her in my life because I feel bad that she's so messed up and can't see it - however, just like with a pet tiger, I make sure I never get too close.