Golden sprinkles for my sadness

[qcarolr]

When I feel lost, I go back to home base. I remind myself to nurture myself. Everything else goes by the by, it can wait. If I need care, I do what I can to take care. Is your medication right? Are you sufficiently rested? Are you eating well? Is your body healthy enough? Don't forget things like positive self talk, affirmations, walks in fresh air, relaxation, prayer - reach out to what has helped in the past.

Are you comforted with the love of your God and your family and your friends ... .   and us here? If not, reassure yourself you are loved.

qcr I am sending you love. Can you see the gentle showers of sparkly golden sprinkles above you? Each sprinkle as it reaches you, is a gentle dusting of warmth and love, soon you will be showered in golden light. It is from me and all of us here who love you dearly. Please take care of yourself.

Vivek  


Copies this to new thread - couldn't figure out how to do the quote to new thread today.

I do need your comfort and love - thanks for the golden sprinkles.

Seems those things that usually help me aren't. It was a beautiful day - birds, new daffodils and grape hyacinths popping up. Gd pointed these all out to me on our walk today. Gave my house a good cleaning - even dh noticed when he walked in tonight. Have a cold, tuning most likely to sinus infection -- yet this is not it somehow.

Have project for work - would rather quit my job today than do it. What is that about?

DD is out of house - police were called last Tuesday when she was insisting violently that he stay over. He came yesterday and took some of his stuff. She was quiet, sullen - asked me "Why are you sick?" She actaully noticed my cold. Well, I am feeling a liitle cold there - or even unfeeling about it. What is this about?

Saw my pdoc last week to ask if my meds. were OK - no pdoc. just nurse practitioner (NP). Saw T and he said this is temporary as they look to replace pdoc that left recently. She was totally invalidating of who I am, what I need, where I have been. She kind dismissed me (at least that is how it felt to me) when I said I had been seeing my T there for about 18 years. My T is concerned about the depression and anxiety cycling their intact screening is showling. I am not feeling very grounded, and can't seem to focus on what I need to do to get planted.

I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. This has come and gone before - it will this time too. Just don't know what to do today. Guess the washing dishes will have to do for now. Can't even read an entertaining book - makes no sense. I will be back to let you know how I am doing. Maybe a nice flower meditation with me and myself in my heart would be a good thing. Or maybe Jesus will be there for me.

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

Dear qcaroir,

Do you take vitamins?  B12 taken sub lingua for rapid absorption into the blood and Omega 3 joy fish oils are key for mood regulation.  Of course, vitamin D, as well. 

Just checking... .  

Reality

[pessim-optimist]

Dear qcr,

 

so, so hard!      

Does sound like depression... .   maybe too much overwhelming stuff wore you out, maybe the meds aren't quite right.

It must be so unsettling with the NP!

Hang in there, you are so strong, you have already gone through so much victoriously.

Just like you said, this will pass also, you will get through this.      

Just keep doing what you KNOW is good for you (sleep, rest, proper food, exercise) even though you might not feel the benefit at the moment... .   Just putting one foot in front of the other... .  

May the peace of God envelope your soul and comfort your spirit and anchor you in spite of what is going on in your body... .    

[Thursday]

qcarolr-

Can't even read an entertaining book - makes no sense

I've been in the place you describe above. It sounds like you are grieving.

I don't know if this will make sense or not but sometimes it helps to lean into it. In my life leaning into the pain and feeling it is the only way to learn to be with it.

Vivek  gave you such sweet thoughts. So nice!

Thursday

[opheliasmom]

Qcr,

Everyone has given good advice.  So I will give you hugs.      This is difficult and frustrating and you are strong and wise.  I am thinking of you.

[qcarolr]

Thursday - think it is a lot of grieving. Back to a new place between anger and denial, way before acceptance. Leaning into it - yes. Spoke with dh last night while gd in bath about how down I am, trouble doing even mundane things. He was so very loving and concerned - and worried. So I reassured him I did not want to die, had no plans to hurt myself, just wanted to take time out from doing for everyone around me.

Vivek  - the golden sprinkles are helping. Doing my daily routine even if I want to just sit. Gd's needs help me with this. She will be home soon. Maybe we can go on a walk or play a game, watch a movie, bake cookies... .  

Reality - I take lots of vitamins with the Humira I take for my chron's. My immune system is compromised by this. I have been in good remission for a few years on this drug, though I struggle with  infections. Such a delicate balance.

Pessie-O thanks for the prayers. I do feel God's nearness today when I stop to feel for it.

Opheliasmom - yes, there is strength in me somewhere. Just buried deep deep. It is a spring and will bubble up to the surface again from the endless source. Patience and quiet to let it come.

DD called just as walking out to put gd on bus wanting her food stamp card from the house as her friend that has been with her past few weeks would not get her breakfast with his food stamps. So called back after bus left - told her I would come at 9 on my way to work. She was hassling me - putting me down - so I said "turning off phone til I am ready to leave", then did that.

Then I stopped to pause. To try a flower meditation. It has helped me to keep my calm - maybe not validating but no anger. Told DD that I was feeling disappointed that she has stopped doing her probation requirements. Did not engage in debate with her about it. She had called dh - I asked what can dh do for you from work?  Give her someone to call since my phone was turned off. She asked for money -- so she took the last $50 of her monthly benefits that I was holding for her probation officer in 2 weeks. Reminded her I am not giving her any money from our accounts - she has gotten all her benefit money for the month. Also mentioned the weather report is saying lots of snow and wind tonight and tomorrow, maybe she can find somewhere inside tonight. "There is no place" So I said, you are welcome to be at our house - just you. Our house rules are reasonable. Then she walked away. Oh, and she was not where she told me to meet her and said she would be there in a few minutes. I waited 10, then texted that I would leave for work in another 10. Then she was immediately there. Maybe watching me. I feel she was hoping I would be angry and she could dump her emtional distress on me. I was not a taker today.

So my flower meditation. I breathed into my heart, walked down the stairs. And then images from a long ago painting and story I wrote came to me. And I was there, in this place of refuge. I was in a dark place deep inside and here was a stairway up into an arched opening filled with bright, warm light and flowers. Oh the awesome sweetness of the flowers. Standing in the doorway I could feel the warm breeze and hear birds singing/calling and water trickling. I have been at this doorway before - I painted this picture. Yet had never been inside. So I stepped across the threshold today into a beautiful garden. There is a fountain in the center and birds bathing there - and benches. And I call for DD to be there with me, and to allow me to touch her arm sitting next to her. And the warm light surrounds us. I am at peace. DD is quite cold and unmoving. After a bit I walk back out and it is not into a dark place. It is into a wide grassland with a rain just done. And it smells of hay and grass. Then I opened my eyes and went into my day.

And I just now went to this secret place as I write it here with my eyes closed. So I am being gentle with myself today. Asked to extend a deadline at work for 2 weeks on a project needed before hiring someone May 1st. I am the bookkeeper/business manager. Not in a place to advise on any decisions this week. I keep finding errors in my work from last month.

Dh has asked if I can tolerate DD without any new rules until she is in jail - this is inevitable, just do not now how long after her PO meeting on the 22nd. Then we will have a break to get a plan in place before she can come home again. Gd is suffering at school when things are rough at home. I think Dd cannot be in our house now if she is not under good emotional control. And that is unlikely until she goes to jail. Hoping she stays away with her friends. I will not hesitate to call police with any harrassment or physical contact from her.

Thanks for being my friends. Still in awe that there are so many that think of me with kindness and love.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

qcr, you touch my heart. Yours is such a heavy load. I am so sorry that it has to be this hard for you. I think you need to be held close and cuddled and reassured. Yes, to me too it seems like depression and grieving and exhaustion (emotional and physical).

I feel apprehensive and bold  to suggest the following to you. I have been trying to think of a 'meditation' for you. This is what I came up with, please ignore it if it is not appropriate.

So this is what I can imagine up for you: a quiet meditation. Breathe into your heart again, walk down the stairs - all just as you did before. This time though, invite God to join with you. Take it easy, no need to speak or anything. Just feel the light that fills you with the promise of his love. Stay calm and accept his nurturing of you. Regain some peace and strength. Breathe easy and allow God to walk with you, to be with you. When you leave the room and return to us, know that he is still there for whenever you need him, deep within you and suffused throughout you. He is your strength. Acceptance.

The golden warmth that will fill you inside is more substantial than the golden sprinkles that dust you (they are very temporary).

Ignore the insensitivities of the world, they are distractions. Take care of yourself.

Lots of best wishes,

Viv       

[qcarolr]

I will try this.

It is blasting wind now. The cold is not here yet, and the wet spring snow. A foot is forcast, maybe more where DD is. I am trying to get her out of my head. She is a survivor - she will find shelter in some way, though it has been a parking garage in the past. Or maybe she will make her way home - or call for a ride. dh is late, so maybe he is picking her up, though he did not call me a heads-up.

gd and I have decorated the house for our pup's first birthday today. doggie peanut butter/carrot cupcakes are baking. pork chops for us will be simmering soon. dh is late, but just called and he is on his way - big corporate inspection tomorrow (he works at retirement community - maintenance). Our pup weighed in last week at 78 pounds! vet put him on limited rations. I think he is still growing into his feet a bit. our waggy, slurpy, happy funny guy. The sweetest dog we've had - rescued him from a certain death with parvo virus. all were amazed he survived.

WHat a sweet distraction tonight.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

As with most things, there is no instant cure, it is a process. We use our tools to help us and practice them too.

It sounds like the process for your puppy is to fatten him up... .   I hope you're not planning a sicko Thanksgiving feast... .    

hot diggity dog!

Vivek  the dog lover   

[Thursday]

doggie peanut butter/carrot cupcakes are baking

I first read this as "doggie peanut butter/carrot cupcakes are barking"

She is a survivor - she will find shelter

Does this give you at least a small amount of ability to be able to rest your mind?

As we work through SD's issues I feel certain that her Dad believes she has NO ability to survive and yet, the reality is, like your DD, my BPDSD21 is a survivor. She can turn on her charm and people in her life respond. It's frustrating because if/when we stop enabling her, there is a line-up of people who are fine with picking up the slack. Yesterday she played frisbee-golf (admittance to the course is 10.00... .   )and she was here Sunday looking for a handout. If she is confronted about spending 10.00 on a game day when she was given money for gasoline to look for a job, what we will hear is that someone paid her way into the golf game. I don't know why her AA friends, all young people, have so much extra cash to keep SD in their midst, (food, activities, cigarettes) but apparently they do.

The wait for the universe to intervene is pure cr*p! We wait and wait for SD to learn something, anything to help her move towards greater self-awareness and it seems that she does fine with the limitations she puts on herself.

In your case, all your DD must do to have a warm, safe place to sleep is to tolerate your house rule of no overnight guests. Is this a power struggle? Is she so in need of having someone in the bed with her? Is she ONLY wanting her life to be HER WAY? It is so hard to understand... .   if it were me, warm bed would trump all of the things your SD wants... .   but it's clear, in your case, as in mine with my SD, tolerance of something most of us would find intolerable (sleeping on concrete in a parking garage) is wayyyyyyyyy easier than tolerating a reasonable rule. Hard, hard to understand.

Sunday, when SD came by for $ (yes, her Dad is funding her again) he discussed her comfortableness with taking handouts. She claims she hates it. She used the word hates. And yet, to avoid having to look for a job, she will tolerate how putting her hand out makes her feel.

Can it help YOU qcarolr, to remind yourself that you have given her a choice, a reasonable choice, and your daughter has also made a choice, Not the same choice you would make... .   but SHE chooses nonetheless. I try to find some acceptance around this conundrum with my SD but it's hard to accept something so illogical and self-destructive.

But it is what it is.



Isn't it?

Thursday

[jellibeans]

qcaroir

I have been fighting my own battle for the past 3 weeks and I am sorry I have not sent you a note. Just not sure I can send hope to you when I feel very hopeless right now. Try to find the sun... .   you sound like you live somewhere cold so try to find a beam and take a bath in it... .   I use to live in canada and I know how long winter can be... .   how grey and cold... .   try to think of the spring with the flowers blooming... .   that will be here soon... .   try to appreciate the small things... .   take care of yourself... .   sending lots of love... .    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, puppies!

I believe they were put on this earth to cheer us up!

How are you doing, qcr? Is the heaviness lifting a bit?

[qcarolr]

Had a good day. Tough meeting with gd's T. She is clear that based on her interactions with gd in play therapy she is at a threshold. One of her concerns is that gd will get in the middle of an altercation and get hurt. DD has become more physically threatening. Since she came home yesterday she has been to herself mostly and very quiet with us. Though the anger is simmering close to the surface.

So tonight --  while I was settling gd to sleep bf'g' arrived, on foot. no car or bike, so he came on bus. last bus leave at 10:30 and is a 20 minute walk from our house. He arrived at 9:30. I reminded dh that we are not backing down from the no overnight guest rule. He reminded DD when she went to door, but did not mention to G. He does not want a confrontation. I am staying upstairs - if things get ugly I am in gd's room with her. This is up to him. I hope and pray he has the courage to speak directly to G, and not to DD.

I have to be strong and persvere in this. Otherwise DD has to leave the house. There is no other choice in my mind and heart. Esp. after meeting with the T today. I was very honest with her about the past few weeks. I fear that if we cannot enforce these limits with DD that gd will be taken from our home. Maybe dh needs to be told this to give him strength.

Hanging in there. I am much more grounded. Seeing my new T tomorrow morning at 8:30. Gd on the school bus at 7:30. This is so hard.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

take care qcr, we are with you,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Dh is doing a good job of knocking and talking through a closed door with expection for G to leave soon. I am staying upstairs - Dd's room is down two levels below me (split level house). Dh is wearing his phone if a 911 call is needed. G and DD have no contact order - he spent 6 mos in jail for assaulting her last June. He is putting himself at great risk to be here with DD. Hope he chooses to leave soon. Last bus in 10 minutes. Long walk back to his town and it is really cold outside again - 12 miles to where he lives, 6 miles to bus nearest bus station with other buses.

I have to let dh handle this.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

So I hear G upstars, and dh is giving him ride to bus stop. DD is heating coffee. Sign of hope for me.

Qcr

[qcarolr]

The doggie sleeping with gd was scratching at the door when she heard G leaving with dh - she loves "G" who helped train her 2 years ago. So DD has both our doggies with her in her room. I will leave it. Hope gd sleeps all night. Am prepared for her to wake up feeling lost or angry. There is a competition as gd loves her moms dog (the 2 year old one that G trained) and DD wants her dog to love her more. The dog is content with either one, and truly 'loves' G the most.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

OK. Do I leave this too. My headache is coming on as the slight wiff of pot comes up the ventalatin system. This is the real reason G came, and why he was so easy send on his way less than an hour after he arrived. I sure wish we had a seperate space for DD to be in and then I just wouldn't care about this. It is her choice to blow her probation says "no-no" to pot. She has a medial license to buy it, and it is now legal to have posssession of small amout for any adult in our state. This makes it even harder for her to abstain.

I am actually looking forward to the respite of her being in jail for 10 months. She is making these choices. She will survive the experience. She gets total support from her homeless peers in not doing probation. She has said a couple times - they don't understand why she bothers, they all just wait to get picked up on the revokation warrant. She was talking about a woman that walked away from the court ordered halfway house so she is avoiding the warrant now. She will be going back to jail - it is a revolving door for so many of her homeless friends. This woman has lived on the streets in her drug/alcohol using state for years. I think she is in her late 30's and joined the homeless in her late teens or early twenties.

Guess some of my resistance to putting DD out of our home is trying to prevent her from this life. DD says she does not want to end up spending her life this way - why does this not motivate her to accept treatment and case management to move in a different direction? This is the hardest part for me -- the projection of her problems, externalizing them, preventing her from taking resonsibiltiy. Guess in some ways better than those that posture SI and hospital admission to cope with their disease.

Just pondering.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

Geez - dh is not home yet. Must have missed the last bus and so he is driving G all the way home. So this will be OK. dh can choose this. He really likes G, who treats us mostly with quiet respect. He is working to get off the street - going to college, back living in his parent's home, though still in love with DD who uses him to fill her emptiness. She has been clear with me to not talk about them being 'a couple'. How does G tolerate this?

qcr  

[Thursday]

Q-

What a night you had last night.

"One thing and then another and none of it good." (Thursday's Granny)

My SD is in the midst of a downward spiraling vortex. All of the things that you describe let me understand the missing mechanisms our loved ones with BPD lack.

The immaturity is worse than simply defying chronology, it's almost how my SD defines herself, as if her immaturity is what she is. She says outloud, I don't want to grow up, as if stating it will make it so or at very least explain. I have to admit, I really struggle with this one... .   does she really think she will be held up for all of her life?  We work at letting her know "growing up" is unavoidable and yet she searches for a loophole. Tolerating lesser conditions is one of the loopholes.

How in the world do we grown-ups make sense of not being invested in one's own fate, which is certainly how you describe your DD's homeless clan's way to go about living... .   has jail become a hiatus where you get hot running water, some dental attention maybe, respite from the cold? What I see is that your DD won't follow rules and yet this puts her right where she will have no choice but to follow rules and why?

Why, why, why? My SD is malingering, month after month she accepts the status quo of having no job. She tolerates getting everything handed to her. She claims it makes her feel shame and yet, looking for a job is harder to tolerate than the shame. She explained last weekend that she doesn't have the lifestyle she wants, as if, like a little child she can only have what people give her.

We have shown her a good example. We have done what we could for her. We gave her extra time. Everyone has bent over backwards. As we pull back to save ourselves, in the hopes that she will pick up her own pieces, it's scary. Because we see how low she will allow herself to go.

I'm so sorry!

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Thursday

[qcarolr]

Thursday - maybe the work to get to their dreams is just too hard - the perseverence and delayed gratification is not there internally. DD, since she started preschool, could describe the activity, but would not participate unless she believed there would complete success on the first try. No capacity to allow step by step learning. Well, unless someone was holding her hand, one-on-one, along the way. Amazed she learned what she did in school.

Homelessness is a hard life filled with day to day survival lessons. None that I could tolerate. Yet DD has learned to live by the 'rules', or to be alone for a bit. She puts her distress to me, and gets over it.

Dh did come home last night quickly - got G to bus with 30 seconds to spare. He just did not check in with me. I was upstairs in my office, he sat at the TV that was on the whole time. DD is stll asleep, though gd let dogs out when she got up. She feels unfairness about waking at 4:30 without a dog (and came into our bed as predicted) yet there is no anger. She will have a good day I think. She has T after school. We are doing new treatment goals with her input after my meeting with T yesterday. Gd also has her first overnight with friend tomorrow. Will be prepared to journey in the night if needed, or at least take a phone call. She is growing up so fast.

I am off to my new T now. Will let you know how it goes.

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

all of these pwBPD need a village... .   community... .   the containment from many others... . they are fish out of water... .  

Reality

[qcarolr]

Yes Reality - this is so very true. This limits the isolation and exhaustion. To get our kids to accept the community and the community to accept our kids. Puzzle over this daily.

qcr