More School/PTA wives drama

[hell0kitty]

So we heard from another mother from SD7s school this weekend.

She said that while she was at the school last weekend for an Easter egg hunt she saw BPDex there with child.  she has heard about her but has neve rmet her.  When BPDex came up to their group of moms that were standing there, she thought it would be wise to introduce herself right away as friends with us, so she knew not to say anything.  (I guess she had already started to tell the ladies how my BF "ruined her financially when they broke up". She didn't want to feel like a spy, so as soon as she strted to say that our friend said, "Hey, I know I have not met you yet, but I know kiddo as her dad and I have been friends for about 3 years."

BPDex proceeded to then tell the group the following info:

1- She was moving the next day (first we heard of this) that she had not seen the place, she is just staying there temporarily until she and her fiance find a place.

2- When asked about this fiance, she said they were just running down to the courthouse this week to get married so he can get a greencard. I looked it up on the court website, sure enough, on April Fools Day, they did indeed go get married.

3- Then she went on and on about how she was ruined financially by the break up.

Our friend said she was gobsmacked.  Could not believe that even after she was warned, that BPDex just went on and on.  She felt as though she was trying to win her over or something.  She said all of the other women were just eating it up.

Then friend leaves and about 15 minutes later she gets a call from a concerned parent.  "BPDex has been here at the school sobbing uncontrollably since you left.  She is SO afraid that you will tell BF everything that she told you today.  She says there is a history of DV and she is very afraid of him.  I told her you were a stand up lady and would do the right thing."

Friend said, "I clearly introduced myself as his friend, she did not need to say any of that.  And for the record, I've known him for a long time, there is no way the DV thing is true.  Just remember there are two sides to every story."

PTA mom just kept talking about how she is just sobbing so they know there must  be some truth as she is genuinely scared.

Our friend wrote up a statement for us to file in court about the whole thing.  She said it was easy to see how people get so sucked in now that she has seen her in action.

Wow. Just had to share as I wanted to scream. so frustrating. I wish I could just sit them all down and play them the movie of the last two years.  Crazytown.

[marbleloser]

It's amazing how these people just buy into it.Glad you have someone on y'alls side though!

I had to have my L send a letter to the kiddos school,just to inform them that I have rights :/

It worked though 

[hell0kitty]

Oh yeah. I asked BF why we did not go to the Easter egg hunt as it is the kind of thing we would have gone too and we had the day off.  He said it is because he was conveniently left of the email invite.  It turns out, BPDex has befriended the mom who is in charge of sending that stuff out, so she is leaving him out of the loop on these things.  Nice.

[DreamGirl]

I'm not a big fan of drama.

I used to get caught up in it. Big time. My stepdaughters' Mama had a friend who actively hated me early on - she was the leader of the PTA/wives/soccer mom clique. If she didn't like you, most didn't like you. So nobody really liked me. 

Later on, when she got close enough to see beneath the victim persona, that same Mom enlightened me to all kinds of nonsense that was swirling around. I was pretty annoyed and defensive. I did my own share of he-said-she-said-two-sides-to-every-story-trash-talking. I became part of the triangulation that a pwBPD tends to invoke in most post-divorce relationships.

It's all so exhausting and juvenile.  

My stepkids' Mama connects with other people thru negativity. It's like when you are in line at a grocery store and complaining about the wait to the person standing in front of you. My stepkids' mama gossips and complains in order to connect. She also has a victim mindset so it feels good to her when someone feels sorry for her. It helps her feel valid.

I know that every boyfriend and every friend that she ever has is going to strongly dislike me.

That's OK. There are a hundred others who do like me. And my husband. It's also ever so validating when one crosses over and tells me that I'm nothing like she said I was.

In the end?

It doesn't matter, hell0kitty. Seriously, on the scale of 1 -10 of what matters in this life - I'd give it a 1.

Why do you want to prove yourself so much to these women? Why does their/her opinion matter to you? Why does Mama's triangulating effort bother you to a point that you're involving a friend?

Do you think addressing this in court will help you? Or is this another way for you to engage in her unnecessary drama?

-DG

[Thunderstruck]

I was thinking about you this morning, actually. I dropped SO's D8 off at school and saw a sign advertising the Spring Fling and it said volunteers were needed. I mentioned that to SO, it would be nice to get involved just to get an idea of how D8 is doing with the other kids. Plus then SO and I could meet parents and arrange play dates and all that good stuff (uBPDbm will just stop letting D8 hang out with her friends because "so-and-so's mom is crazy" readainted black). I don't think I'll have to worry about uBPDbm "winning over" the PTA, she seems to not be able to keep friendships long.

I think we'd consider volunteering if we didn't think uBPDbm would show up and cause a scene. Better to let D8 (hopefully) have a fun time with her mom than for us to get involved. So I've thought I would keep a wide berth of the school stuff for now. Minimize the drama, it's not really my place.

I got some validation via (one of) uBPDbm's boyfriend, who told D8 "Thunderstruck isn't bad, your mom is just jealous". Thanks, some dude I've never met! 

[hell0kitty]

Dreamgirl- The reason we needed the depo is that right now we are at the start of a parenting evaluation.  The evaluator is collecting current information about both sides and based on that can make a recommendation on where D7 lives.  The great thing about what she said is 1- She is in contempt because she moved and the law in this state is she is supposed to let Dad know 60 days prior.  2- She openly admitted to a group of women that she is getting married just for the greencard (this helps prove our allegations that she is unstable and makes rash decisions that don't set a good example for child) 3- The whole "financial ruin" thing. A huge part of our case involves her attempts at parental alienation. 

I do get frustrated hearing about how she is, all her public crying etc, but really, as long as I have a place to come vent that is safe and won't come back to me (here) it gets it out of my head and helps me go about my day.  That is why I love these boards so much.  I know if I were to go complain about this in real life, it could get back to BPD and make things worse.  At least here, I can tell you guys anonymously, we can all swap similar stories, I get it off my chest, and we all feel better.  :-)

I will admit, I do look forward to the day that they all start to realize who she really is, just because my BF is so great, it makes me sad to think of people looking at him like he could be an abuser because if her garbage words.

[ennie]

Again, I have a little different perspective.  I think it is important to have impartial third parties who do know what is going on. While the day to day drama is not important, it is worthwhile (IMO) to have some "neutral" parties know what is happening.  In our situation, DH insisted on the kids seeing a counselor, and we made sure it was someone who had the experience and stature to understand BPD games and to be believed. She was invaluable when BPD mom accused DH's mom of sexual abuse. 

We have also, as stated earlier, had much better luck at school when we talk to teachers early in the year about some of the stuff that occurs, what our concerns are. 

From my perspective, it is important to be as non-judgmental as possible... .   mom probably is crying for real reasons, they just have nothing to do with DV, you, or anything recent.  In the case of the BPDex in my Dh's life, she is afraid because she was seriously abused as a child and no-one ever believed her, so she sees everything as a threat and goes on the attack before anyone else does, then is terrified that people will see her as monster.  She projects everything, just like everything was projected on her when she was way too little to know that it was not her fault. 

And from that non-judgmental place, make sure that the important folks know that she is doing this.  For us, it was often as simple as DH saying, "The kids mom has some emotional problems, but she loves the kids.  She tends to tell stories about me that make me out to be the bad guy, and I just want to ask that you get to know me and make up your mind yourself.  Both of us love the kids and both of us want to be involved in the kids' schooling, so I am hoping not that you will believe my "side" of the story, but that you will give us both a chance." If the person is receptive (at this stage we often get, "I felt like there was something funny about her.  Does she drink?", then once of us might follow up with, "In the past, there has sometimes been a pattern of mom telling stories and at first she is believed, but then when people find out these stories are not true, she is rejected.  For SD12 and 8, it works better if both their mom and dad are treated respectfully and with compassion throughout the school year.  The worst year, once mom's stories were discovered, SD12 missed about 30 days of school, as mom started keeping her out of school, and SD12 fell behind and started saying she hated school. So I am truly not asking for you to be on my side, but just to be aware that things are less stressful for the kids if both parents are treated with love and respect." 

These conversations are mostly with teachers, the principal, etc.; for the most part, with the PTA moms, they have approached us, and often me.  We have a much less petty community.  The PTA moms are really good folks, and usually just ask me what is going on, and I just tell them that mom has some emotional problems but is doing her best.  It does get back to mom, and that is okay with me.  It has made her paranoid that I hate her and am talking bad about her, and has also improved her behavior generally.  She knows what she says will get back to us, and that we will let people know the truth.  I am not meanly gossiping, not trying to get in with the PTA mom's by badtalking their friend, but letting them know that no, DH is not a bad guy and is not abusive or mean, that there are other issues that I do not really want to go into detail about; when people tell me they want to be friends with all of us, but that mom does not want them to talk to us, I say things like, "great, she needs all the friends she can get.  Do what feels right to you," and two years later, they are persona non grata with BPD ex and then come and talk to DH and I about what happened.  But I really would like her to have friends, because she tends to pretend she is a better mom when she has friends, and her faking it is better than her isolated and not faking it. 

So that is my two cents worth.  Do not get all wrapped up in the drama, but do give important people a reality check from a compassionate place.  But if you are wrapped up in the drama, you are less likely to be believed.  So check in with yourself first.  What is happening in you during all this?  How are you feeling?  What do you want?  Where are you in this?  Make sure that the actions you take are intended to resolve problems they can resolve... .   if you are wanting your story to be heard to get the PTA moms to like you, that is probably not going to work.  If you are trying to get critical folks to know that mom's stories may not be true so that when interviewed for the psych evaluation they will not say that there are DV issues, then be careful, and make a plan.  For us, we went through trusted friends... .   a child psychologist friend who has known me 30 years contacted the school psychologist and gave her a heads up about BPD mom; a good friend of the principal told her that she might not want to hire BPD mom as an aid, and told her first hand experiences (not our stories, but her own).   If your intentions are to make sure that the kids have a stable and good school experience where both mom and dad can participate, people generally pick up on that. 

The key is to be honest with oneself about where you are at, so that if you are buying into the drama and feeling persecuted and wanting to "get back at her", you know this and hold your tongue. 

It is a fine line to walk.