UBPDh doesn't want to change after all

[daze]

Hello,

My uBPDh from whom I am separated but still in r/s with told me last week he wants to change and stop drinking.  We had some really good talks over the weekend.  Turns out he doesn't want to stop drinking until we live together again, but will cut back in the meantime.    Whereas, my boundary is no cohabitation until he is sober for two years.  So I guess for now we are still in the catch-22.

He will quit when he's ready, or he won't.  I'm not in a rush to make a decision.  When he's in happy/pull/idealization mode, the r/s is loving and good. When he's in angry/push/devaluation mode, the r/s is difficult.

He told me the reason for his many push pulls is that we married too soon and he was afraid we made a mistake.  I agreed that we married too quickly.  Now we have been together for two years, know each other better, etc. and he said he has loved me from the beginning and now he knows for certain he wants to spend his life with me.  He said he's content and feels secure with the marriage r/s.  At the same time, he does not want me to lecture him about drinking, which I did quite a bit of during the most recent push cycle.  While I don't think it was my lecturing that caused the cycle, I do think it exacerbated it.

It's the first time we've talked about it on this level.  I guess we'll see if he's really made up his mind and if the push/pull dies down.  Or if it's just part of the cycle.  I lean toward thinking it's part of the cycle but will keep an open mind.  I'm marking today on the calendar and will track it.

Daze

[Hurt llama]

Hi Daze

This is a minor detail but where you getting the sober number you want for two years?

It seems to me he's not really willing to do it at all at this point... .  

This is really out there of me and just a flash thought that is probably off base... . but I am wondering if it is more important to get the message across you insist on sobriety and focus less on the 'two years'... .

Only reason I say it is that I wonder if makes it that much more daunting to think of it in those terms... .

I'm probably off base but wanted to share this perspective.

[daze]

This is really out there of me and just a flash thought that is probably off base... . but I am wondering if it is more important to get the message across you insist on sobriety and focus less on the 'two years'... .

Only reason I say it is that I wonder if makes it that much more daunting to think of it in those terms... .

Hurt llama, I think you have a good point.  Actually, it was a number my therapist came up with.  I haven't told H about it and have only mentioned it here.  Seems like I have heard it before concerning addiction and marriage - except in this case, we're already married so it's cohabitation.

Anyway, it hasn't been communicated and it's not set in stone.  I think the main point is that I'm not going to live with him if he's drinking.  For us to live together, there's a lot of stuff that has to happen since we both own houses.  And we have to be comfortable enough to do that stuff, like sell or rent out our current houses and buy or rent a house to live in together. 

Then he is scared because he's lost a lot in the divorces from his first and second wives and had to start over and the last time was particularly "not good". 

We both know this is a different situation.  I'm an independent person, self employed and well established in my career, and we have no children together and don't want to since we are in our 40s.

Anyway, there is plenty of time to make decisions.  I do love him and don't know if he actually has BPD but I do know he has an alcohol problem.  The things I think are BPD might be related to alcoholism and fear.  I understand his fear.

Daze

[crazylife]

Have you considered the alcohol is a way of self medicating to deal (in his eyes) with the BPD? i know my uBPDh used alcohol until he totally screwed up in from of others and had cut way, way back. Now he uses cannabis, which I can tolerate much better. I think  since I, ME and MY have learned how to communicate in his language, he requires much less. I also have tried to let things go... .   that ultimately werent significant to me. Still struggling with that to some degree. I really dont  have answers, obviously or I wouldnt b here, but just something to consider.

[daze]

Have you considered the alcohol is a way of self medicating to deal (in his eyes) with the BPD? i know my uBPDh used alcohol until he totally screwed up in from of others and had cut way, way back. Now he uses cannabis, which I can tolerate much better. I think  since I, ME and MY have learned how to communicate in his language, he requires much less. I also have tried to let things go... .   that ultimately werent significant to me. Still struggling with that to some degree. I really dont  have answers, obviously or I wouldnt b here, but just something to consider.

Crazylife --- Yes, I have considered that alcohol is a way to deal with BPD.  My T said he can't be diagnosed, even by his considerable behavior, until he's quit drinking for at least six months.  That is if he sought therapy.  I think it matters from the staNPDoint that he will need additional medication/treatment if he is BPD.  I have to remember that he won't quit drinking or get any type of help unless he wants to.  I can't control it as much as I still want to.

I am doing much better with my communication despite something of a relapse on my part with the last cycle when he was drinking more.  I really let him have it about the drinking from multiple perspectives - health, relationship, parenting, etc.  It made the cycle worse / last longer.

Daze

[hithere]

Turns out he doesn't want to stop drinking until we live together again, but will cut back in the meantime.

He told me the reason for his many push pulls is that we married too soon and he was afraid we made a mistake.

These two things sound like typical excuses by someone that is not ready to make a change (and could still be in denial), sorry.

How long will you continue to wait and hope?

[daze]

HiThere,

It's very likely his reasons are excuses and denial.

I don't feel the need to make a decision now.  Don't feel the need to move on or seek another relationship, etc.  I have a very full life.  Also being separated makes it easier to continue the relationship. So I guess for now I will keep hoping.

[hithere]

Sounds like a plan.

I was separated and living apart but continued dating my ex with BPD for around 4 months, it seemed to help my transition.

good luck

[daze]

Hithere -- thanks.  You ended the r/s after four months of separation/dating.  When was that?  How are you feeling / doing now? 

My T says I will know when the time comes to make a decision.  T doesn't encourage me to stay with him and told me so.  If we'd been together longer or had kids it would be a different story.  Neither of us are in a hurry for anything.  We don't want more children so there are no ticking clock issues.

I have rescuer/codependent issues from FOO that I found out about in this r/s and I'm working on it.  I think think my love for him is more than wanting to rescue him.  Some of it is selfish in that I want the person I thought he was and the person he is at times.  He is smart, funny, handsome, passionate, likes to cook, do housework and yard work, he's handy, he has a good job with great benefits and is a hard worker.  He many regards he is the best man I've known - a lot to love.  He also has a drinking problem and immature coping mechanisms from a terrible childhood.

So I here I am on the Undecided board for however long... .  

[hithere]

Hithere -- thanks.  You ended the r/s after four months of separation/dating.  When was that?  How are you feeling / doing now?  

I could not stay NC and I felt protected because I had moved out and in my mind I knew 100% that I would not ever get back together with her.  We would see each other for dinner or a roll-in-the-hay a few times each week with the understanding that if either of us got involved with someone else we would simply tell the other.  It actually worked pretty well for a few months and I knew I would only be truly free after she moved on.  She found someone, told me, I was upset but knew it would happen.  I met someone wonderful about a month later, I am engaged and getting married this summer.  I am NC with my ex with BPD, she texts me about every month to six weeks, I never answer.

I want the person I thought he was and the person he is at times

If I just had a dollar for every-time I thought that or read that on these boards... .   for me and countless others that have moved on or are in the process, I think we have all come to the conclusion that person never really existed, it was the combination of idealization and mirroring that created that mirage in the desert we had been seeking.