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Author Topic: Just need to vent somewhere, anywhere  (Read 526 times)
jargon337

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« on: April 09, 2013, 04:30:45 PM »

I sit in an abyss of shock that it is happening again so soon. No matter how many times the episodes happen it never is easier. I hear to give up hope and that saddens me. Giving up hope is like giving up the very thought of faith and belief in the human spirit. I see my caring friends try to save me and scream detach, detach now! I do understand this concept all too well and am working on engaging in the art of doing so. My daughter came home from treatment on 4/04/2013. This is the ninth place for therapeutic treatment. The treatment facility was exceptional. However, I appear to say this on all of the facilities. I want to have faith in the belief that it gets better… I want to have hope in the aspect that the turmoil she lives in one day can and will stop and we can all live in peace.

Today 04/09/2013 I am to start teaching NAMI classes of Family to Family (cancelled due to weather). I am to teach hope during this group facilitation, when I just left the psychologist office who tells me to give up on hope and learn to let her go and accept. How does a parent do so, I question my internal thought process. I am not sad that she had a manic episode (due to her not taking her meds, again) last night. I am more frustrated that it sparked my PTSD and my sons PTSD. I am sad at all the physical damage that transpired because she was told “no” to a phone after 9pm. My daughter apologized to my son, but has no care whatsoever for the damage she has done to our family as a whole and will not apologize to us.

Her sense of entitlement is so extreme and grandiose that we are to live to appease her every demand. If we tell her no, she will find a way to make you suffer. It’s no big surprise that I keep hoping one day she will say “yeah mom, you’re right…my thoughts are so irrational and I am sorry for my behaviors right now, I will stop”. That is not a possibility, for that is not her reality.  I keep thinking it is intentional and that she can stop. I am not sure anymore. I am not sure that I am able to raise her; she seems to only do well when in fully structured institutions, placements or facilities.

I guess I am sad. I feel as though all the effort to accommodate her through 800 mile round trip visits at her treatment facility ever two weeks was all in vain (4 months). I can hear people say “I told you so”. She is just being nice to you while out there because she does not have anyone there. In reality that probably is the truth. I look at her and truly wonder if she is able to love. If so, how can one be so hateful, malicious and self-serving without a care for anyone else?

I keep saying one more day till she is 18. One more day closer… That time is when she can legally move out and we are not held legally responsible for her behaviors. Yes this is raw to say out loud, but the issue at hand is every day, I mean every single day is literally wondering if you’re close to stepping on a land mine.  It’s almost as if you can hear the tic, tic, tic and boom.  Last night I slept with my door locked the boys and my husband all slept downstairs. Most people who do not experience mania or BPD episode that are violent in nature, will never understand what it’s like to live in a war zone that takes place in your own home.  Within you own home you must watch your back, watch what you ingest and most of all wonder if you wake up the next day. You just never know.

This is real life for us which some days has me ponder is this really happening?

When she is in placements, we do not have these concerns at all. The family system functions on a steady equilibrium. When she comes home we are so excited that this time is will be different and we accept her back into the integration of the family dynamic. Conversely the balanced equilibrium is thrown completely off kilter within a couple of days. Her violence as she ages seems to be more extreme. I am sure the teenagers she meets in placements have modeled this through their war stories and therefore she learns more war strategies against the very people who love her.  Today’s feeling is oh my God   here we go again….

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« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2013, 05:57:32 PM »

Dear Jargon

I am so with you right now but at the same time I try to keep faith and be hopeful. Everything you said sounds a lot like my home. My dd15 is in RTC and I do think she is getting worse as time goes on. This is her first time in a RTC so I am trying to really keep happy thoughts even though it is not going very well.

What was the longest stay for your dd? When will she be 18? I asked my dd T if this is a common pattern... .   go into RTC... .   come home then back again... .   I think it is a hard pattern to break. I am also told that they need to go for at least one year or more... .   that pwBPD need that kind of intensive therapy.

Recently after my dd ran away from her RTC and spent 12 hours running through the streets having a blast I had the same thought... .   is she capable of thinking of anyone other than herself... .   does she even love us... .   it is sad but I really wonder some times and I am ashamed to even think it but that is what this disorder does to the whole family.

They say you have to learn to accept and then it is easier. I am interested in your answers... .   I always try to have hope... .   and sometimes that takes time and some distance from your child... .   I am sending love your way... .   and know you are not alone... .    
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Kate4queen
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« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2013, 07:34:09 PM »

I totally feel for you. As a parent you end up so traumatized with the fear of what your son or daughter will do next.

I can't say what worked for us at home, because nothing really did, we gave in, we shut up, we gave him whatever he wanted, accepted all the lies and promises just so that everyone else in the family didn't have to suffer the consequences of his mood swings and rage and splitting.

you know this, you're living it.

I struggled so much with the fear of losing him, of him walking away and of giving up hope but I found when he finally did leave saying he hated us that the sense of relief was immense.

He's only 3 miles away and we're still financially supporting him but, not having him in our faces is such a blessing. We ahve time to breathe and to make decisions not on his 'everything is a crisis timetable.'

The hardest thing to realize as his parent was that our behavior was just enabling him rather than helping him. Saying no to him now, 'No, you can't have money to fix your car, you'll have to sort that out yourself, no we won't pay for more surgery, no we won't buy you an apartment.

And guess what? In the past 6 months out of the house, he's had to learn to do these things for himself and he can do it.

So don't think of it as giving up hope. Think of it as protecting yourself and teaching your daughter that eventually she's going to have to start taking responsibility for herself. It sounds very hard put like that, but it doesn't mean you don't still love them and want the best for them. In my ideal world, my son goes on and becomes successful so he can turn around and tell us he doesn't need us anymore. I'd be okay with that.

So hang in there and seriously think about how you can plan for her to be an independent adult when that time arrives. As my therapist said to me, sometimes you can't save everyone on the sinking ship and you first have to save yourself.

Good luck and big hugs,
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Emptyness

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« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2013, 08:08:49 PM »

I just read your post and can totally relate to what you've said.  My daughter turned 18 last May and moved out in September to go to college.  She has since changed colleges and is now about 4 miles away.  It is such a relief to have them out of the house!  I know you love your child so much and you are venting, but at the same time, you need to take care of yourself and your family too.  Our son and younger adopted daughter are glad the oldest is out on her own.  We get some relief, even though we talk to her almost everyday.  I still find myself shaking my head  wondering whose child this is.  I love her so much, but can't believe the anger and selfishness that radiate from this child. 

Don't give up hope, I have read that many do grow up and out of it.  We can only hope right?  I pray every night for peace for her and us.  I will pray for you and your family too.   
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griz
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« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2013, 09:04:58 PM »

Dear All:

As I read this thread I shed many tears for all of us and our children.  No this isn't the life we all envisioned and I know it is not the life they envisioned for themselves either. There are times I sit alone and cry for what my life has become and I so wished a life like I see on the retirement commercials.  And there are times that I am filled with such anger I don't even know what to do with it but then there are moments when I check on DD in the middle of the night to see that she is sleeping well and I see my little girl at peace for the few moments of the day that she actually gets to be at peace.  Nothing tormenting her, not struggling, not sad, not afraid, not fighting to find peace in her mind, her heart and her soul and in those brief moments in the middle of the night I am not sorry for myself, I am not angry for what I don't have anymore but my heart breaks a little more knowing that her sleep will end and she will have to fight this fight again tomorrow.

We all must hope and pray.  We can never lose hope. We are the only armor they have to shield them.

I wish us all a peace filled night,

Griz   
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vivekananda
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« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2013, 02:11:08 AM »

I expect the shock has subsided by now jargon337. I expect by now it's just the usual hurt and anxiety. I am sorry your STSD and that of your sons was triggered. It must be so hard to cope with your situation. You must have an inner strength to have coped as you have so far.

Perhaps learning to accept and detach doesn't also mean letting go of hope. For me it doesn't. For me acceptance means not feeling that I have to change things, but accepting that I can't change anything but myself. For me acceptance means learning not to be judgemental. Detachment for me means to be able to look on my emotional needs and work on meeting those needs for myself, not expecting others to meet my needs. And I know that my dd can be better if she accepted therapy and she could change, so there is hope.

Let me give an example:



  • I accept that my dd lives in a filthy slum house and she loves it. I am still a bit judgemental about it as you can tell by my tone, it's not what I want for her.


  • I know that I want her to have her life in order but I can look at my emotional need to nurture my dd and accept that I can't change that situation. I can see that my need for her to have an ordered life, is just that. It is my need. I can look at my hurt for her and nurture myself. I can detach from my desire to fix things for her and work at meeting my emotional need.


  • My dd has visited a T and been diagnosed as PTSD. He has given her some strategies to cope and these have obviously made a difference to her, so she is better now than 12 mths ago. There is hope in improving our relationship with her and there is the knowledge that there is therapy that would work for her.




But what I don't have is the trauma of my dd living with us. I do remember how it was and my heart goes out to you.

sending you strength,

Vivek      
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jargon337

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« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2013, 12:19:46 PM »

Hello all,

Thank you all so much for the encouraging words. Although it has been years of living with the triggers and episodes of my DD. Every time they happen it starts all over again. I read these replies and feel a sense of happiness knowing I am not alone. Thank you all for the precious feedback, especially the core issue of acceptance. Acceptance is one of the biggest hurdles of all. I believe I have found a second family in this website bpdfamily. I want to thank you all for this

 
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jargon337

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« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2013, 01:44:10 PM »

Dear Jargon

I am so with you right now but at the same time I try to keep faith and be hopeful. Everything you said sounds a lot like my home. My dd15 is in RTC and I do think she is getting worse as time goes on. This is her first time in a RTC so I am trying to really keep happy thoughts even though it is not going very well.

What was the longest stay for your dd? When will she be 18? I asked my dd T if this is a common pattern... .   go into RTC... .   come home then back again... .   I think it is a hard pattern to break. I am also told that they need to go for at least one year or more... .   that pwBPD need that kind of intensive therapy.

Recently after my dd ran away from her RTC and spent 12 hours running through the streets having a blast I had the same thought... .   is she capable of thinking of anyone other than herself... .   does she even love us... .   it is sad but I really wonder some times and I am ashamed to even think it but that is what this disorder does to the whole family.

They say you have to learn to accept and then it is easier. I am interested in your answers... .   I always try to have hope... .   and sometimes that takes time and some distance from your child... .   I am sending love your way... .   and know you are not alone... .    

     Thank you for your reply. My heart goes out to you as well. In response to your questions, my daughter's longest stay in placement was 6 months at one time. Out of a year the longest she has been what they call on the "outs" or out of placement was almost 5 months. Believe it or not my daughter does not like going in, but does exceptional when in placement.  She is a leader in good behaviors while there and always complies.  I have asked her why she does so well in treatment and she says because everything is the same every day (tried this at home and did not work).  It’s almost like outside stimuli drives her triggers; she gets so excited in certain situations even positive ones that acting out is the only way to alleviate her feelings. She acts feral when she is with friends to the point that they look at her with question. So functionally she works well in strict structure which is ideal for her, but not ideal for our insurance companies to pay for. She also is Bipolar and cycles with serious manic episodes two times a year, otherwise, more hypomanic a lot of the time. The word no is her toughest trigger for the BPD episodes.

     She turns 17 this May, so a little over a year left till she is 18. You discuss a pattern of going in, coming out, and going in which I refer to now as the revolving door for loved ones with BPD or multimodal disorders. I have interviewed the many placements she has been in and they claim this is very normal and can be consistent until later years in their life (like 40’s, 50’s). We have complete acceptance of this process, for she will push so far with the high risk behaviors that we have no choice. Safety becomes the number one priority, it has to for all us to literally live. When she gets back in a placement, she looks at me and says "yeah…, I needed to be here this time". I always say “hmmm, this time, that’s interesting what about all the times before”.  That statement from her, believe it or not, gives me some bit of relief. I think wow, this time she recognized she was completely out of control.

     You discuss your daughter going on her 12 hour running free spree, and all I can say is I can so relate.  When they are running like that the look on their face looks like pure joy, freedom and bliss. My DD just cannot understand why I am not able to just let her live, just let her run amuck; of course we are expected to pay for her perceived high status entitlements.   These little free jaunts or adventures always end up in a placement. When down from her high she would look at me and say "yeah I did some crazy things mom. I could of been dead, but you got to me in time" (BPD at its finest). I always think my God she basically is saying mom watch me and make sure I am safe, make sure you get to me in time.  This is the part that I believe I need to work on in my own maladaptive responses. I must realize, especially after reading the posts here that I will not or cannot be there to always protect her from herself.

     I connect with you when you state sometimes you feel ashamed to think or wonder “does she love us”. I think this many times through the years. I especially think this thought when she loves others in an idolized fashion and completely devalues her family at all cost. I must pacify myself with adaptive thought processes that my DD loves me and the family to the best of her functioning ability.  I do have sympathy for her or anyone who lives with the turmoil in their mental functioning. It is exhausting for all of us who love them, yet we forget that as exhausting as it is for us, imagine the treacherous turmoil for them.  I find the beginning of the Serenity Prayer helpful in this aspect “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference” (author unknown, n.d.).

     One of the best therapeutic treatments my DD just went through was called Thinking for a Change (T4C). It is actually designed for criminal thinking or inmates. Yes I know that sounds harsh, but I liked this program.  I must personally say it has been the best treatment thus far she has been through. She has been treated with a multitude of therapeutic modalities, including DBT which is always recommended for individuals with BPD. My DD always loves to try to "beat the system” as she calls it or the doctor or treatment facilitation to say she had the upper hand all along.  With T4C, she was not able to. Learning the treatment strategies as parent that are utilized in T4C helped us understand her tactics and voice them out loud to her.  She was then aware the manipulation would not work and if she committed the behavior per se, we were aware why.  Does it stop her episodes or triggers completely, well no? However it does help us as parents understand her thinking process at the moment. Telling her that “we are aware or recognize the tactic or behaviors being used [by actually naming them]”, to me it, at least gives her the chance to stop and think for a second and maybe, just maybe, stop herself from triggering and engaging in the behavior.

I am sending the essence of strength, love and positives your way. Keep smiling and know we are all in this together. I am happy we all found each other on here.  

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griz
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« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2013, 02:44:57 PM »

Jargon337:  Glad you are here.

Griz
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vivekananda
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« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2013, 08:25:33 PM »

thank you jargs, your gifts are gratefully accepted, I am multiplying them and sending them to you and to us all here too,

Vivek      
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« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2013, 08:41:15 PM »

Hi Jargon,

Welcome to this community!

What a stressful situation you are dealing with! Sending you    

How do the treatment facilities deal with the issue of saying "no" to your dd, when she is in treatment? What works? Is there a way to apply the same/similar procedure to deal with this important trigger?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2013, 10:40:33 PM »

Thanks for taking the time to respond... .   I think we can all learn from each other and at the very least our stories sound a lot the same at times.

I feel like I need to apologize for my post... .   I was at a very low point... .   recovering from one of my dd's adventures and questioning myself and her.

I have not spoke to my dd in a couple of days... .   my h has been talking with her... .   I just needed a break and I wanted to give her time to think. My h talked with her tonight and she sounded good for a change.

Try to be hopeful even when the situation is hopeless... .   a bad day doesn't mean a bad life... .   when she adds up all the days of her life I hope there will be more good than bad.

sending a hug your way... .   stay strong... .    
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pessim-optimist
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« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2013, 12:38:25 PM »

BTW, Jargon,

I like your logo picture. It so much fits the experiences with our loved ones, and at the same time puts a smile on one's face.

Welcome again!
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« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2013, 02:27:15 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Me too!  That is exactly how I feel today as well... .    
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