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Author Topic: A New Piece of the Puzzle  (Read 413 times)
Thursday
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« on: April 12, 2013, 07:56:50 AM »

BPDSD21 just added her uncle, my S/O's brother to her facebook page.

I've only met this uncle once and the event of meeting him was prefaced with us traveling to his hometown during Thanksgiving, renting a condo with our (S/O and me) respective daughters, invited uncle, week in advance to Thanksgiving dinner and he was a no show, no call. A few days later we met him at a diner on our way out of town.

S/O has always described him as "weird" and although at this brief meeting I could see some aspbergerishness he was a pleasant fellow, obviously intelligent with a quirky sense of humor. I had taken the no show in stride (never met him, dinner was happening as planned, no issues on my part) and S/O seemed to take this disappointment in stride, even mentioned it was not totally unexpected.

So, now I know of his facebook and within two seconds of looking at it, I had my first aha moment. I see many of the same behaviors from uncle as I see in my SD... .   the same impulsiveness, disordered thinking, over sharing, naccissism, strong attachments to friends and  so much inappropriate stuff for a man in his 50s.

He seems an eternal child.

A bit of history... .   he lived with his and S/0s mom until her death, inherited the house and lost it about eight years later (it was paid for when the Mother was alive, so he had no mortgage but he took out a second mortgage that he failed to repay.)

He spent his twenties and thirties persuing novelty professions- magician, clown, actor etc. He married once in his earlier years but quickly divorced. Has had sort of over-involved relationships with much older women, his landlords in both cases. Is currenly involved in one of these relationships.

Now he is working a job that is certainly not much to challenge his obvious intelligence. He reports that his co-workers are close friends. I have no way of knowing if this is accurate or not but the language he uses makes me think these people aren't neccessarily all that "into him".

There is a ton a sexual stuff on his facebook... .   so much that I am uncomfortable looking at it and don't know why he would add his niece as a friend with so many sexual memes and links to semi-porn.

I have been very curious about the genetic component for SD's mental illness. There are problem with addiction on both sides of her FOO, and now I see some similarities to her uncle.

Feel sort of like I've had on some blinders... .   the uncle's no show at Thanksgiving should have raised at least one of my brows!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)\= does anyone else sometimes feel like they see personality disorders around every corner?


Before S/Os accident we were planning another trip to see the brother and we lose our deposit if we don't go. Even though s/o is limited in his mobility, we are still going, need the change of scenery, S/O has been really down (understandably) about his injury and his recovery and I'm worn out but there is a hot tub in the condo! It will be interesting to see how this unfolds with the brother.

So it goes.

Thursday

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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
BioAdoptMom3
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« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2013, 02:43:18 PM »

I think it's great that you are still planning to go on the trip!  Soak in that hot tub every chance you get!

As for the family connection, I would say probably!  Our DD is 13 and adopted.  Her bio parents were drug and alcohol addicts as was her bio sister who was adopted by another family and is now 19.  What DD's psychiatrist explained to me is that with drug and alcohol abuse it is almost always self medication.  Those who self medicate are doing it because they are trying to deal with their own BPD, bi-polar, depression, anxiety, etc. Most of those disorders are inherited so what you are probably seeing in the uncle is likely related to what you are seeing in DSD. 

Sorry you are going through this.  It is so stressful!
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griz
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« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2013, 03:04:06 PM »

Until I learned about BPD and bipolar I never realized that others in my family were certainly to some extent effected.  My mother, who is now 86 had a life time of choatic relationships.  Due to my mothers inability to control her emotions she drove away everyone in our extended family.  As a child growing up I cringed at the thought of going anywhere with my mother since no matter where we were she was an argument looking for a place to happen.  Her relationship with my brother was so overbearing it was ridiculous and when he married she immediately look aim at my SIL (who is most likely BPD also) and destroyed that relationship.  My dad on the other hand was not a fighter and let my mom get away with anything she did. Unfortunely for him it cost him his relationship with his siblings and for me it cost me Aunts, Uncles and Cousins.

I somehow seemed to inherit my DNA from my dad, so other than my anxiety which I never had until I was diagnosed with cancer and had to go through treatment, I seemed to be uneffected or maybe forced out of giving in to it since I was the ugly duckling in my mothers eyes so I was pretty  much left to fend for myself.  My husband and I always remarked how similar our mothers were and recently when discussing it we pretty much concluded that my MIL probably suffered from BPD also. 

My mom is now 86 years old and suffers from severe depression.  Doesn't surprise me after a lifetime of alienating the rest of the world. I don;t think I would have ever realized that is what it was until DD was diagnosed and I started learning about it.  Oddly enough I often see many of the same behaviors in people in my work place.  I think there is alot more BPD then we all know.

Griz

PS Enjoy the hot tub and have a drink for me.

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qcarolr
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« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2013, 05:43:32 PM »

Thursday - hope you both enjoy the change in scenery. Look forward to an update on the uncle when you get back.

It is kind of like playing 'count the red cars' as a road trip game. Never realized how may there are until look for them. This is how it feels sometimes with my DD's behaviors and patterns. I can see her in so many place, esp. with her peers. So the more we learn about our child, the better we can see the patterns in others around us.

Does this help things make more sense for you - easier to find acceptance?

qcr  

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The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better. (Dom Helder)
vivekananda
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« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2013, 12:26:31 AM »

my family, dh's family, neighbours pwBPD everywhere!

then there are the distinctly unhelpful personality traits from nons, that are BPDish... .  

aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

the uncle would be a good one to really practise validation on, enjoy yourself with it   go prepared to have a good time validating and watch how it works. It can do it with my non sis whose personality traits are almost enough to tip her over the line. You can see it working with them, and you can feel really validated yourself for doing such a good job, and everything works out smoothly. win/win/win!

Vivek    
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