Enabling vs Helping. How do you know the difference.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This topic is on the Staying Board, but it's one of those topics that also applies to those of us who are Undecided: Staying or Leaving.

I can understand that helping is truly helping when everyone is pitching in and doing a fair share. I understand that enabling is occurring when one person is "doing more" so that the other can maintain an entitlement attitude.

What I don't know how to do is set up new boundaries that eliminate "enabling" in a way that won't enrage my H who has entitlement expectations and views any kind of "cutting back" as an insult to him.

I can understand the point in the other thread where someone mentions that it's "helping" if it frees up the person to do another task.  That make sense. 

However, the line blurs when the pwBPD (especially with entitlement NPD traits) procrastinates and then needs/expects you to stop what your doing and help him.  For instance, there's an expectation that you need to pack his clothes for a trip, while he gets his files together for that trip.  Yes, you're still freeing up the pwBPD to do another task (gathering files), but he would have had enough time to do all of his tasks if he hadn't procrastinated.  So, by helping and freeing up his time to do another task, am I not enabling the procrastination tendencies?   Does that make sense? 

In the other thread, I mentioned that because I am short, I have a hard time hanging H's clean laundry on the top rod in his closet.  So, I tried having him hang those clothes.  He became angry because he said I was trying to do less for him.  (The NPD entitlement trait rearing its ugly head).  So, I was bullied into continuing to hang those clothes myself (I bring a step stool in the closet to do this.)

It is very hard to stop the enabling behavior when doing so invokes a bullied accusation that you're "withholding, being passive-agressive, etc.

Right now, H and I are living in separate residences, but he wants us to live together. (He invaded my home yesterday. )   Living together again would mean exposing myself to these situations again.  Even if I were to "put in writing" certain boundaries, he might agree to them to get back with me, but he'd later rage that I'm withholding (examples of new set boundaries:  I'm no longer going to bring you coffee in bed every morning, or I'm no longer going to pack and unpack your suitcase for business trips, I'm no longer going to make up your dinner plate and serve you like a maid, etc.  Furthermore, you're going to let me respond to any accusations, any discussions will involve one person speaking for a minute and then the other is allowed to respond, you won't grab things from my hand, you won't call me names, etc.)

Anyway, I do have a problem with setting boundaries because my attempts are countered with bullying behavior and raging.

I strongly suspect that H wants to return home because he's had a few weeks now of taking care of himself and he hates that.  This is a person who doesn't know how to cook, do laundry, or clean. He doesn't even know how to pick out his clothes - he always had me do that for him. 

I don't know if it's even possible to reset boundaries and stop enabling behavior on my part, since any type of change is perceived as being PA or withholding. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

This topic is on the Staying Board, but it's one of those topics that also applies to those of us who are Undecided: Staying or Leaving.

I can understand that helping is truly helping when everyone is pitching in and doing a fair share. I understand that enabling is occurring when one person is "doing more" so that the other can maintain an entitlement attitude.

What I don't know how to do is set up new boundaries that eliminate "enabling" in a way that won't enrage my H who has entitlement expectations and views any kind of "cutting back" as an insult to him.

I can understand the point in the other thread where someone mentions that it's "helping" if it frees up the person to do another task.  That make sense. 

However, the line blurs when the pwBPD (especially with entitlement NPD traits) procrastinates and then needs/expects you to stop what your doing and help him.  For instance, there's an expectation that you need to pack his clothes for a trip, while he gets his files together for that trip.  Yes, you're still freeing up the pwBPD to do another task (gathering files), but he would have had enough time to do all of his tasks if he hadn't procrastinated.  So, by helping and freeing up his time to do another task, am I not enabling the procrastination tendencies?   Does that make sense? 

In the other thread, I mentioned that because I am short, I have a hard time hanging H's clean laundry on the top rod in his closet.  So, I tried having him hang those clothes.  He became angry because he said I was trying to do less for him.  (The NPD entitlement trait rearing its ugly head).  So, I was bullied into continuing to hang those clothes myself (I bring a step stool in the closet to do this.)

It is very hard to stop the enabling behavior when doing so invokes a bullied accusation that you're "withholding, being passive-agressive, etc.

Right now, H and I are living in separate residences, but he wants us to live together. (He invaded my home yesterday. )   Living together again would mean exposing myself to these situations again.  Even if I were to "put in writing" certain boundaries, he might agree to them to get back with me, but he'd later rage that I'm withholding (examples of new set boundaries:  I'm no longer going to bring you coffee in bed every morning, or I'm no longer going to pack and unpack your suitcase for business trips, I'm no longer going to make up your dinner plate and serve you like a maid, etc.  Furthermore, you're going to let me respond to any accusations, any discussions will involve one person speaking for a minute and then the other is allowed to respond, you won't grab things from my hand, you won't call me names, etc.)

Anyway, I do have a problem with setting boundaries because my attempts are countered with bullying behavior and raging.

I strongly suspect that H wants to return home because he's had a few weeks now of taking care of himself and he hates that.  This is a person who doesn't know how to cook, do laundry, or clean. He doesn't even know how to pick out his clothes - he always had me do that for him. 

I don't know if it's even possible to reset boundaries and stop enabling behavior on my part, since any type of change is perceived as being PA or withholding. 

[Louise7777]

Hey SadWife!

First of all, I think you are very brave and courageous. Congrats to you! 

I was worried to read that ur husband invaded your house. Have you confronted him abt that? Seems to me he didnt fully realized you are separated. Breaking in is not acceptable!

You mentioned "What I don't know how to do is set up new boundaries that eliminate "enabling" in a way that won't enrage my H who has entitlement expectations and views any kind of "cutting back" as an insult to him."

I believe theres no way to do that without enraging him. As you said, any boundary you set is an insult to him. I cant help comparing the situation to the SuperNanny series: all kids get enraged when parents set boundaries. Of course! They are used to do whatever they want all the time.

Is he in T? Does he realize at all that his behaviour saddens u? Does he mention any change from his part? Is his behaviour changed to please you? It seems to me that he is stuck on his ways and he just wants to go back home for more of the same... .  

The main thing here is: why are u considering accepting him back? What good will it make to YOU? We know the good side for him, but I fail to see yours.

What does ur sister think? I love her insights. 

Take good care of urself!   

[SadWifeofBPD]

>>Hey SadWife!

First of all, I think you are very brave and courageous. Congrats to you! 

<<


First of all, thank you very much for your kind words and empathy.   

>> >

I was worried to read that ur husband invaded your house. Have you confronted him abt that? Seems to me he didnt fully realized you are separated. Breaking in is not acceptable!

<< <


He doesn't think it is breaking in because he's on the mortgage.  But, he has his own place now that I don't have access to, so he doesn't see how unfair that is.  But, that's the "rules are for other people" attitude... .   he can come and go as he pleases, but his place is sacred. 

>> >

You mentioned "What I don't know how to do is set up new boundaries that eliminate "enabling" in a way that won't enrage my H who has entitlement expectations and views any kind of "cutting back" as an insult to him."

I believe theres no way to do that without enraging him. As you said, any boundary you set is an insult to him. I cant help comparing the situation to the SuperNanny series: all kids get enraged when parents set boundaries. Of course! They are used to do whatever they want all the time.

<< ,

i agree.  H thinks that the only reason that I would set boundaries is to give a "pay back" ( a tit for tat).  He refuses to discuss these things with his T.  I've asked him to discuss these things with his T and if his T thinks that I should continue doing X or Y, then she could put those things in writing and I'll continue to do them.  H has refused to "bother" her with anything like that.  Obviously, he's afraid that his T may say, "heck no, your wife shouldnt' be doing those things for you.  You're a grown man. "  He's mad enough that he knows his T told me to never give H his guns back after he put a loaded gun in his mouth... .  

>> Is he in T? Does he realize at all that his behaviour saddens u? Does he mention any change from his part? Is his behaviour changed to please you? It seems to me that he is stuck on his ways and he just wants to go back home for more of the same... .  

<< <


Yes, he's in T, but she's a marshmallow and really doesn't have the type of degree/training for PDs.  She's fine for dealing with parenting issues, and normal H/W issues. 

>> The main thing here is: why are u considering accepting him back? What good will it make to YOU? We know the good side for him, but I fail to see yours.

<<

In many ways, I don't want him back.  However, financially I don't have a lot of options.

>>

What does ur sister think? I love her insights

<<


My sister understands the financial concerns.  however, she has said that H is one of the worst cases she's seen in her 20+ professional years.  She says that he will not get better because he is determined to see himself as a victim.  She believes that he needs to be confronted by a trusted professional, but he won't see that type of T or P.  Plus, he lies too much to them.  . 

Thanks for your supportive words.

Hope all is well with you.

[Louise7777]

Hey SadWife!

Im not that great but Im dealing with my issues the best way I can, tks for asking. 

After I posted I thought abt financial issues. Thats something to consider, indeed. But dont forget sometimes its not a high price to pay for peace of mind.

I have read many cases here and BPDs seem to "fool" the T, unless he is a skilled and BPD specialist. Seems to me they have an endless supply of manipulating/ controlling skills... .  

I believe our problem is setting boundaries and also sticking to them. I understand that after decades of having things their way its not easy to give in... .   And the rage and victimization after that is unbeliavable: I have seen "my" BPDs playing the control/ rage card and when it doesnt work they go to the victim card and then rage again... .   All that in 20 mins. I think dealing with a 3 yo is easier.

Im not qualified at all to give you advice, all I can say is that enabling is not helping in most of the cases. I dont see other way than setting strong boundaries. Or keep LC if you live under the same roof, but this sounds impossible when you are constantly challenged... .   To me its a declared war, but Im at the end of my rope, so Im no rolemodel. 

I hope somebody else posts and answer sur q in a more helpful way.