push pull cycle

[benny2]

Just wondering how often you guys go through the push pull cycle. It seems like we are going through this more often lately. I mean like weekly. We use to go for weeks before I noticed him distancing. Is this common to be going through this so often?

[LetItBe]

Hi, benny2.  

I know how frustrating that is.  The push-pull cycles became more and more frequent both times I was seeing my uBPDxbf.  Yes, weekly push-pull cycles toward the end... .  

[elessar]

I think she is starting a pull cycle for the past few days. And I believe the reason is that she does not have supply at the side right now. Ignored me for about 2-3 months when she was seeing or talking to other guys nearly every day about getting married. For past 4-5 weeks she started messaging me once every 4 days. would talk and suddenly disappear. thursday night started with a "hey you". Yesterday gave me heavy hints she wants to see me. then late night called me and talked for an hr and a half.

But before this break up that happened in January, her push-pull depended on her relationship with her parents. If she was pissed at them, she wanted to be with me. Once her anger at them was gone, she would push me away. I would also add that because her parents do not approve of her marrying outside of her religion, she has to push me away when she's no longer angry at mommy-daddy. And since she's been in an emotionally abusive relationship at home since childhood, the push-pull cycle correlates with the abuse cycle.

In short, it totally depends on what is going on in the BPD's life/mind.

[benny2]

Interesting, so the push pull cycle is not necessarily about me? I always think when he is doing this, he is changing his mind about our relationship, but maybe its other things in his life causing it that are not even related to me. I understand there is a disorder but its been so hard for me to understand that him treating me this way has nothing to do with me.

[tuum est61]

Interesting, so the push pull cycle is not necessarily about me? I always think when he is doing this, he is changing his mind about our relationship, but maybe its other things in his life causing it that are not even related to me. I understand there is a disorder but its been so hard for me to understand that him treating me this way has nothing to do with me.

The push/pull is not about you - it is a symptom of their illness, however the pwBPD's intimates are the most frequent trigger.  Arguably, they are with us because we are the ones they've been able to successfully push, yet we don't leave.  

I've come to believe that many of us that get involved with a pwBPD - in the FOG of the idealization phase - and never having experienced BPD before - felt we could be their shoulder to lean on during the push. We could be that Hollywood "stand by your woman/man" that could get them through anything. And how we've tried to do that - to our extreme frustration!

Thats because tits he opposite of how their defense mechanisms developed.  They gain relief by pushing us away - projecting that we are the cause of their pain. If we hang around and try to be that shoulder to cry on, it just makes things worse - even as they scream at us for leaving them.  

My W can pull - or should I say "be neutral" one moment and push me away the next.  It happens in small cycles daily. Big pushes occur every couple of weeks.  If you are going to hang out with a pwBPD that hasnt undergone therapy, you need to get used to the cycle - but you can make things better.  

By establishing a boundary of finding other things to do during a push - and even during "neutral" times, my wellness has improved greatly.  And in my case, it has resulted in a lot shorter pushes.  

Even though the "problem" of BPD is about their emotional dysregulation, the solution lies in managing your own.  

[benny2]

Thank you Tuum, its been very difficult for me to accept that this pushing away cycle is not about me. He starts out the cycle being very affectionate and loving and then completely excludes me. Hes not being mean at all right now, just very cold and careful not to say anything positive about our relationship. At times I think he is unsure again whether or not he wants to be with me. I am trying very hard this time not to break away as that is what I usually do during this period. I can't stand the rejection, but if I can get it through my head that it has nothing to do with me, maybe I can ride it out and see if things turn around again.

[LetItBe]

Sounds all too familiar, Benny.  I know how hard it is being pushed away and what a stark contrast it is to the affection and love that you enjoy.  Hope you're taking good care of yourself.   

[tuum est61]

. I am trying very hard this time not to break away as that is what I usually do during this period. I can't stand the rejection, but if I can get it through my head that it has nothing to do with me, maybe I can ride it out and see if things turn around again.

.

I am saying its okay to break away - you dont have to stick around and experince rejection - and to the extent you haven't, thats good!

How and why you "leave" does matter.  How would you describe your "breaking away?". What things do you say --(or not say) and where do you go? 

[daze]

My uBPDh's push/pull cycle happens frequently.  The push isn't lasting as long and neither is the silent treatment that usually accompanies it. 

My H's main triggers seem to be ex-wives and kids -  he has two young kids with his most recent exwife so he sees her and the kids every other weekend.  They were divorced when I met him so it's not like I had a role in the dissolution of their marriage.  Yesterday I told him being an ass to me doesn't make him a better parent.  My validation skills are not always consistent!    Actually, maybe sometimes I just don't care.

Even thought I know it's not my fault, it gets so old.  What used to be so confusing me to is now just annoying in its predictability.  I'd be lying though if I said it didn't hurt.  My T says his push pull triggers me - I think if I could just be good enough he would change.  FOO fall out continues.

[benny2]

Actually Tuum, the last time we went through this was in december and I did not break away, I broke up. The time before that I moved out. I did not know of the BPD at the time and I could not understand the rages, the silent treatments, the lies, the cheating, which he still denys. It was a nightmare, so when he raged and told me to get out, I found an apartment and left. I really don't think he wanted me to, but I could not take it. He begged me for another chance shortly after I left, so I gave him that chance. All was good for several months until I noticed him becoming more and more distant with me emotionally. It brought back all those fears I had while I was living with him and I broke it off. It was then that I found out about the BPD. Once again in feb he told me he wanted to make it work. I have not told him of BPD as I do not think it is my place to tell him, but he has ALL the symptoms. I have been trying to do things a bit different now that I know of this disorder, but it is hard to not just throw in the towel when he withdrawls.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all, and especially to tuum est61,

Thanks for your insight tuum est61, I have read many posts from board moderators and even in messages to me connected to posts I have written, somehow none of them really sank in quite as well as your explanation has, of their 'push pull' cycles.

I too have been going through these weekly now for three years... . I notice a pattern too, it seems whatever is going on in his life, (especially with his parents) relates to how he treats me. Also noticing that the worst ones were usually every couple of weeks.

Currently, he usually pushes me away at least once per week, and to me, it is just so predictable, I try to enjoy the times inbetween, when he is supportive, upbeat and loving, but come to expect another blow up. It never gets any easier to handle the rejections, and especially in my case, I cannot trust him, there are too many lies and inconsistencies in what he says.

It is incredibly draining and emotionally exhausting to be in conflict constantly, if he isn't fighting with his Father and Mother, he is trying to pick a fight with with me. Coupled with supporting him, (and our relationship) financially every week, it all becomes too much, and I guess I have a lot of residual anger left over. It is hard to heal, when you are constantly bombarded with new hurts and betrayals, just when you are regaining strength, they hit you with another bomb.  I try and look after my own life, needs etc, by walking, using outlets, such as therapy or these boards, or support of family and friends.

But the heartbreak never goes, it just goes into hibernation and rears its ugly head soon after.

I don't know if I will last this out, I kind of feel if I stay, it just might be the death of me eventually, or his parents... . So, I am undecided, whilst still trying to be a supportive partner, I guess I am afraid.

The night before my birthday, he ruined things again, then the next day, rang up and apologised yet again, and said he had taken a heater down to cash it in so he could buy me a birthday present, and have some money to live on. This was a wonderful thing of him to do, and made up for a lot of his actions the day before, however it still felt bittersweet. I went up and had dinner with himself and his parents on my birthday, and after, we retired to his room. It was a nice evening.

He went to sleep first, and I watched the TV, (which he leaves on). Around 11pm, the TV started making that sound where you know a cell phone is nearby interfering with the signal. I wondered where his phone was, as he usually has it by his bed. At times he leaves it in his car, or outside which concerns me, especially when he is constantly going through my phone any chance he gets and accusing me of hiding things and lying to him.

In the morning, (after not sleeping well) I woke early anyway, and was worried about the time, as I had to get up at 4.30 and drive 40 minutes to work. I looked at my phone, but it had gone flat, and I had forgotten my charger. I looked for his phone, to find the time, and found it by the TV, (screen down). I got the time, but it stated that there had been 4 missed calls. I wondered why I couldn't hear it ringing when it had been going off the night before, with the funny TV signals.

Noticing this, really unsettled me again... . Just when I feel like I should be trusting him, I notice another signal that tells me perhaps I continue not to. He always insists he does not know how to turn his phone on silent, yet he has admitted in the past that he had done this so I couldn't ring him. He always insists that there is noone in his life other than me, and his parents.

From the way he lives, it seems plausible he may be telling the truth, but then there are nights away in nearby cities in his car, and every time he goes there, he is unreachable by phone, (despite insisting he sleeps lightly in his car).

When you add this to the push pull cycle, and the understanding that lying and cheating can be a big part of their condition, well, it is not easy to develop much faith... .

I for one, with every thing I have gone through with him, would not continue a relationship if I caught him out having an affair, or even just sex. That is a boundary of mine, which is non-negotiable... . It would just be too much... .

So presently, I pray that if he is, the Universe, God, the spirit world, whatever, conspire together to help me catch him out, without a doubt... . (if he truly is).

Bizarre, maybe, but such is a world with him anyway... .

[benny2]

You may never catch him red-handed, but your gut instinct is telling you  that you cannot trust him. Mine works extremely hard to hide his affairs, gosh it must be exhausting, but I can always tell when something is not right. I have learned to listen to my instincts because in relationships like this, that is pretty much all you have to go on. I have been going through this for many years and my feelings for him are wearing down. I think I am getting to the point where if he cannot be honest and faithful to me, I can walk away.

[tuum est61]

when he is constantly going through my phone any chance he gets and accusing me of hiding things and lying to him.

It causes your partner some distress, (okay, THATS an understatement) but because of the speculation and paranoia that a pwBPD has regarding your supposed infidelity, keeping your phone password protected and not giving it up for review is an important boundary to set.  Saves you a lot of totally unproductive JADEing about this call and that call, or who is this text from, etc.

[Chazz]

Just wondering how often you guys go through the push pull cycle. It seems like we are going through this more often lately. I mean like weekly. We use to go for weeks before I noticed him distancing. Is this common to be going through this so often?

Yes, Benny2, the push/pull cycles do come in shorter intervals as time goes on. Each and every time it feels like an emotional bomb going off. It's been 4 1/2 years of this and I'm broken, emotionally.

After 8 hours of being insulted and torn to shreds, I got painted black and dumped last night. This time, it's permanent. She has a new online "interest" she is planning on meeting soon.   Of course, the new interest is everything I'm not.

It's stunning to me how so many pwBPDs have the same patterns and traits. And how many of us Non's do, too.

     

[bruceli]

I have been keeping track in a journal... .  about ever week and a half to two weeks.

Just wondering how often you guys go through the push pull cycle. It seems like we are going through this more often lately. I mean like weekly. We use to go for weeks before I noticed him distancing. Is this common to be going through this so often?