I personally like the "Love and Logic" stuff. Multiple books targeting various age ranges and specific situations, seminars all over the country, different authors, a cute "story teller" way of delivering their message, and it relies a lot on consequences and promotes responsibility while helping the parent understand how their trying to be nice backfires on them.

They have many books, CD's and videos, giving parents a wide choice... .

I have a few of their books, tapes, and I have seen 2 of their seminars for teachers  )

www.loveandlogic.com/

My therapist recommended this (she has a son with adhd and it really helped her).

Erika

Love and Logic parenting: best books I've ever read.

The Parenting Teens With Love And Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood, Updated and Expanded Editio book was revised in 2006 and includes actual references to "disordered" or "difficult" children and neuroscience based research impacts. It also has a great definition of 'adolescent' that includes my DD26 in her emotional age vs. her chronical age. It talks about disordered parents and the limits of this method - ie. get professional help when love and logic don't work. It addresses many of the more dangerous issues in our world today.  I think I got the most out of this book of the three.

The chapter "What Love and Logic Is Not" goes over their experiences with misuse of their program, and the impacts of unhealthy home situations (ie. BPD parent in the picture)

So this would work with siblings and stepkids that do not have BPD, but have   . That is how it is working with my gd.

I think it has also given me more perseverance in the boundaries I need to take care of myself with DD too. It does put parent self-care as a priority - we have to model taking good care of ourselves for our kids. And I am able to put gd's needs first, and limit my enabling actions with DD without the discomfort I have experienced in the past. She is a grown up and I am treating her like it -- she gets to make her own choices and I am not going to rescue her or be her victim. AHHHHH - this feels so good.

qcr

When you go to Amazon.com and search for “Parenting with Love and Logic” the page is full with over two dozen different books/cds/lesson plans in the series.

Be sure you are looking at the newest versions, published 2006 to 2010. They have been updated giving weight to the complexities and increased risks in today's world. They also acknowledge those situations where the ‘attitude of love and logic’ and strategies to apply these can be abused or misused. This is especially relevant for us here at bpdfamily.com, living with family suffering mental illness, especially PD’s.

Some ideas I discovered are very much supported by other tools, skills and attitudes I have learned here at bpdfamily.com. The most important:

• Parental self-control: essential so we can model what we desire from our kids. Self-care leads me to self-control to ease my resentments, anger, and fears.

• Support network imperative: surround myself with responsible people with strong self-concepts to give the strength to endure.

• The younger we start building this path to responsibility in our kids, the better they will learn the tools for their lives as teens and young adults. And it is never too late to learn.

So from the books I have gotten some strength and perseverance in coping with gd's behaviors - it is really a tough love approach. The love (empathy) piece comes at the end, uses very neutral parent emotion, and puts consequences near the beginning. So very backwards from what has worked best with DD26 (SET, Validation, Values based boundaries, Acceptance). Yet, it works with gd7. With DD this would push her anger into a long rage - and would have as a child too. With gd she yells, starts to throw something -- and I seem better able to stop her with warning of consequence and she is able to rethink it, calm herself, and make a better choice, followed by hugs and tickles and moving on. She is more relaxed in general and more affectionate with me.

The Grandparenting With Love and Logic: Practical Solutions to Today's Grandparenting Challenges book has some good advice for various 3 generation situations. It supported many of our decisions with DD and gd. The examples are a little outdated - published in 1994. Basic content seems accurate - ie. get legal advice if needed to protect your rights to seeing you grandkids, how to manage difficult r/s with SIL or DIL, etc. Supports the importance of the r/s with granchild and has some good suggestions.

Some comments I extracted in reading “Grandparents With Love and Logic” that apply to my situation and many others balancing grown kids and our grandkids living in chaos:

I love you, and I hope your life goes well.

You are able to learn from your mistakes. You are bright enough to learn and strong enough to handle the pain that comes from unwise choices you’ve made.

There is a lot of good, basic parenting knowledge to be gained here.

Choose the book(s) that apply to your situation then adapt them to your child or grandchild’s individual situation, especially if your child or their other parent is suffering from a PD.

One other books in this collection that I read is:

The original “Parenting with Love and Logic” is focused on the younger child to school age children. Their developmental stage requires more concrete language and goals.  The original book I had was first published in the early 1990’s, and I really resisted what the authors had to say as I raised a very difficult little girl who is now BPDDD27. The strategies seemed too harsh. They felt like a set up to my child to get into trouble, hoping a lesson would be learned. I believed they would not work at all with my DD27 when she was a child. Perhaps this is because I was not ready to take in the information provided – I had a lot of growing up to do too. And I had never heard of BPD.

I realize now that I did not understand, or have my own self strength, to get the LOVE part. It is the empathy, sharing of sorrow, validation skills that support all the logic strategies.

The newer versions reflect this emphasis more clearly.

After all is said and done... . after all the "special skills" I learned to parent a child w/emerging BPD... . there really are none outside of the scope of good parenting.  The skills need to be used more intensely and consistently than most children need... . yet they are the same skills.  Keeping the big picture in mind while managing each crisis is difficult for even the best of people/parents.  Love and logic can be difficult to hold in the forefront of our minds when our children are so often in crisis.  Yet we must for their benefit in the long run.

Having a road map to follow can help keep us focused when we are confused, afraid or feeling like giving up. 

Take advantage of any resource that helps.