leaving with a child

[csswift]

I have made the decision to leave.  I realize that things have not and are not going to get any better.  My  udBPD wife and 6 year old son got into again.  But my son proceeded to tell his mom that she needed to leave and go live with her mom and dad.  He said that about 3 times. She then looked at him and told him that if she left, she was never coming back. He said that after they each worked on themselves that he wanted to her to come back home.  She said that isn't something she could do, that if she had to leave she would not come back.  I was shocked at both of them.  After we got home I put him to bed and my wife walked outside and set on the front step.  She proceeded to belittle me and tell me I don't support her in anyway.  Anyways, that was friday night, fastforward to sunday night.  My son and I were walking from accross the street from feeding the neighbors dog (a job they pay him to do when they aren't home). I asked him how he and mommy where doing?  He said okay, but there was something he wanted to talk to me about and made me promise not to tell mommy.  I told him that what he and I talk about is between us.  He proceeds to tell me he wants to pack up his stuff and leave.  He told me that since mommy said she wouldn't leave and come back that maybe he could leave and come back after they worked on their "stuff".  I told him that it isn't his fault and that he is not responcible for fixing it.  I told him several times it was not his fault.  His first year of school is just over a month away and I want to be ready to do something by that time.  Any and all suggestions are apprehicated.  I need helping with know what I can do for the time being.  The list I have so far is as follows:

1. Set up a seperate checking account

2. Call my retirement (I have talked to them before about taking out a hardship loan for this reason)

3. Talk to the lawyer I have talked with earlier

4. Look for an apartment (I don't think my wife is willing to leave the house besides she has so much more stuff than my son and I)

5. Get a storage unit so I can start storing stuff in the mean time (thought about packing some of our things and say it was in the name of cleaning on the house)

Thanks, for reading and input.

[maria1]

Hey Csswift

This sounds incredibly tough. I think it's great that you are staying strong for your son.

To me it looks great that you are making plans but I don't have children with a BPDex. Just wondering if you might post this on the parenting board as the folks on there have been through what you're going through and can give some really helpful advice.

Best wishes and good luck with it.

[livednlearned]

I have made the decision to leave.  I realize that things have not and are not going to get any better.  My  udBPD wife and 6 year old son got into again.  But my son proceeded to tell his mom that she needed to leave and go live with her mom and dad.  He said that about 3 times. She then looked at him and told him that if she left, she was never coming back. He said that after they each worked on themselves that he wanted to her to come back home.  She said that isn't something she could do, that if she had to leave she would not come back.  I was shocked at both of them.  After we got home I put him to bed and my wife walked outside and set on the front step.  She proceeded to belittle me and tell me I don't support her in anyway.  Anyways, that was friday night, fastforward to sunday night.  My son and I were walking from accross the street from feeding the neighbors dog (a job they pay him to do when they aren't home). I asked him how he and mommy where doing?  He said okay, but there was something he wanted to talk to me about and made me promise not to tell mommy.  I told him that what he and I talk about is between us.  He proceeds to tell me he wants to pack up his stuff and leave.  He told me that since mommy said she wouldn't leave and come back that maybe he could leave and come back after they worked on their "stuff".  I told him that it isn't his fault and that he is not responcible for fixing it.  I told him several times it was not his fault.  His first year of school is just over a month away and I want to be ready to do something by that time.  Any and all suggestions are apprehicated.  I need helping with know what I can do for the time being.  The list I have so far is as follows:

1. Set up a seperate checking account

2. Call my retirement (I have talked to them before about taking out a hardship loan for this reason)

3. Talk to the lawyer I have talked with earlier

4. Look for an apartment (I don't think my wife is willing to leave the house besides she has so much more stuff than my son and I)

5. Get a storage unit so I can start storing stuff in the mean time (thought about packing some of our things and say it was in the name of cleaning on the house)

Thanks, for reading and input.

Really broke my heart reading this -- my son was 8 when I left, and he said things to me that, looking back, show me how wise beyond his years he was. His comment to me one night, after n/BPDxh raged at him. A real rage, full-on drunk and nasty... .   S7 (at the time) said "It doesn't matter if N/BPDx's mom was mean to him. That doesn't make it ok for him to mean to me. I'm a little kid."

After he learned about his dad being an alcoholic, my son said "He could go to AA and get help for a while. And then come back when he is fixed. And by then I won't make so many mistakes."

Best decision I ever made was to leave. That, plus therapy for my son and me turned things around in profound ways. S11 was considered "at-risk" when he was evaluated by a psychologist at age 8. He's in middle school now and doing great by any measure.

About your list:

Photocopy all important documents.

Anything sentimental or nostalgic, put in your storage locker in case she tries to destroy it

Find out if it's legal in your state to record your spouse -- in case she tries to falsely accuse you of something when there are no witnesses

Open a separate credit card in your name only

Check in your state to see how much income you need in order to rent an apartment (where I live, your income needs to be 3x the rent)

Read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak and Don't Alienate the Kids by Bill Eddy -- parental alienation almost always happens in high-conflict divorces. It's good to be prepared -- it helped me stem a lot of the damage, although not all of it.

Read Splitting by Bill Eddy

Read the Power of Validation

Talk to your son's school guidance counselors to let them know he might go through some transitional behavior stuff when you move out with him

Get a T for your son if you can, and yourself too

You'll get a lot of support from people here, too. I wish I had found bpdfamily.com when I was preparing to leave. It was pretty awful doing it with a blindfold on  :'(

[ForeverDad]

The question of how to separate and what to prepare beforehand is a common one.  You should find quite a number of threads on this board discussing numerous ideas.

I do want to emphasize though that once she 'senses' that you're done and pondering leaving or separation, she may totally change her behaviors.  She may go from screaming at your son (by the way, that's abuse but I'm not sure how actionable it is) to becoming super-possessive of him.  You may think she'd be glad to be rid of him (now) and then she could surprise you (later) and turn it into an all-out Custody War of epic proportions.  Hard to predict so be prepared for either response.

Very important:  Do NOT discuss your separation or legal strategies with your spouse.  Not unless you want to be sabotaged and your efforts obstructed.  You have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  No, she does not have a right to interrogate you or guilt you.  To illustrate, if it becomes a 'war' scenario as oftedn happen with conflictual people, do you hand you weapons of offense and defense and your body armor over to the other side and wear a bullseye on your chest?  Of course not.  Though you would never be vindictive or cruel, you do have to protect yourself and - by extension - your children.

In most cases the disordered person is concerned only about Control and $$$.  The custody angle gets listed under both Control (I rule the roost) and $$$ (child support).

Until there is a court order, possession of the child can often be a free-for-all.  The police will often step back and do as little as possible until someone has court paperwork.

Have you called your local children's services agency to determine whether there is some way to document the verbal abuse of son?  (If your spouse rants and rages at you, that may not be of much concern to them, not even of your children hear it.  In my county they said, "Sorry, that's not actionable. Call back if she yells at your son."

[csswift]

I have had my son in therapy since this last August. My wife has only taken him twice and refuses to go anymore because she feels that the therapist is out to get her. Of course the therapist did say she or I would have to call CPS because she had left finger bruises on both arms and a 6 inch or so bruise on his back. She is a teacher at his school and I feel she knew how to work the system and me. So, when CPS came to talk to the both of them she went to a local psychiatric hospital, they tell her she needs outpatient therapy. After 45 days, CPS came to our house and didn't even look around, the agent tells us my wife is no longer allowed to use corporeal punishment, if she feels it is needed then I am to handle it. I do have some recordings of her raging on me and him. Thanks for all the responses.

[csswift]

Well, as nervous as I am.  I am trying to move forward.  I am working on my list one by one, and now I am at a big crossroads.

1. Set up a seperate checking account (DONE)

2. Call my retirement (I have talked to them before about taking out a hardship loan for this reason)  (ORDERED)

3. Talk to the lawyer I have talked with earlier  (NEXT ON THE LIST)

4. Look for an apartment (I don't think my wife is willing to leave the house besides she has so much more stuff than my son and I)

5. Get a storage unit so I can start storing stuff in the mean time (thought about packing some of our things and say it was in the name of cleaning on the house)  (NEXT AFTER THE LAWYER)

6. Looking to make copies of our important documents

Thank you all for your help.

[marbleloser]

Stay in the home.When you file,motion for exclusive use of the marital home and primary parent.Your son doesn't need to be uprooted from his home during all of this.

And,get that lil fella in therapy.He has WAY too much weight on his shoulders for someone so young.

[momtara]

awww, very smart kid, and he shouldn't be put upon like that.  that's sad.  and she sure as hell shouldn't be giving him guilt trips. 

try to get this stuff on tape.  not that you can always use that evidence, but maybe.

she's either got to get serious therapy or not be around him.  saying stuff like that is going to mess with his head.  he seems pretty smart, but really. 

[marbleloser]

I missed the therapy post csswift.Good for you!

[csswift]

Well, I received the check today and called the lawyer set up the appointment for Friday afternoon and told me it maybe in my best interest to go ahead and deposit into my new checking account.  Yesterday my son and my wife got into it again.  She called to figure out what we were doing for dinner, one of my wife's fellow teachers had him and another child a cheeseburger and a frosty since the teachers had a meeting after school. When my wife called me, he said he wanted another cheeseburger, she told him he needed something other than another cheeseburger. He started going off on her. He started screaming and yelling, pinching and pulling on her. She started crying and begging him to stop. I couldn't tell what the heck was going on. I tried to tell him to stop and go to the back of her room. When that didn't work I tried to get her to leave the room, but she said he wouldn't leave her alone. At the time as all this was going on, I was driving back to the town we work in which is about 14 miles away from where we live. When I was 10 minutes away from the school she told he had "destroyed" her office. And he bolted out of her office and she had no idea where he went. When I got there I went to her office and surprisingly enough everything looked fine. Asked where he was, she said she didn't know. I went find him and found him in classroom down the hall. Had long hard talk with him about how he needs to treat his mommy and no matter how he felt he as no right to attack someone. I took him home and met us there. She said her principal was outside her door at some point during and never checked on what was going on. She saw the principal when my son bolted out of room. This morning he had a bruise on his eye, he said it happened when was squeezing mommy's arms and pulled away and his hands slipped and he hit his eye. Today at school the guidance counselor had a talk with my son, she asked what happened to his eye, and told her that he had a splinter in his eye. When we got home tonight, we had a note from child protective services say they had a report that something happened at the school. I called him back told him all I knew about. He now wants my wife to call him and tell her side of things. She is a nervous wreck because last October she had hit my son and left bruises that last 4 days. She has always felt that the world has always been against her, now even more so. I am struggling with trying validate her, because I just want off this rollercoaster.  As always thanks for listening. And sorry for such a long post.

[marbleloser]

My X works at the school where the kiddos go as well.Be prepared for her to use this to her advantage.Be prepared for them to believe everything she says.They hired her,so she must be ok,right?

I record every time I'm at the school,so there's no way they can alledge anything or say that they weren't informed of certain things.(Which they're trying to pull now,btw)I was blocked from even checking my kids out by the school,with no court order.They broke the law,simply from listening to the X's side of things.It's recorded,which I can and will use.If I hadn't done that,it'd be my word against theirs.

[ForeverDad]

Did you hear all that over the phone or is this the story told later?  I'm wondering how much she is fabricating, exaggerating, rewriting or distorting... .  

Validation is important, I just am concerned about who needs to be validated and how.  Typically it's the children who need validating about conflicts.  Is your child being appropriately vocal, are his actions a consequence of her behaviors or is he an active part of the problem?

You may not be able to make peace or keep the peace.  I tried and failed being the 'peace maker' for my ex.  It didn't work, I concluded she didn't want peace and calm.  As with many here, I realized I had to deal with what IS, that I was largely powerless to fix the problems as they were.

[csswift]

Well, our drama continues. She refused to go to work on Thursday and CPS came and interviewed our son. He told them the same story he told the guidance counselor the day before.

[marbleloser]

Play this right cs.She's giving you a golden opportunity for custody.Now that CS is involved,you have third party testimony.Have you gotten to speak to them any?

[csswift]

My phone locked up yesterday, wasn't sure if it even posted anything. My wife being a teacher, has been put on suspension until further notice. CPS told my wife that he believes it was a minor indecent and that nothing should come of it. But he is coming over Monday evening to talk to us both. I know I'm feeling guilty for preparing for the divorce behind her back, but  also feel this is a necessary thing. Of course Friday, she went over to her mom and dad's to download pictures for a free photo book, she has now started saying how she is mad at the principal because he  should've checked in if he heard a commotion. I am chalking that up to splitting. When I talked to the principal, he told me he didn't hear anything but when he was in the hallway outside her room my son bolted out of the room with tears in his eyes and my wife sitting holding her hands. My son has less than 10 days of school left. We will see how it goes. I did rent a self storage unit. I do have money in my own checking account. Will schedule a time to meet with the lawyer. Again thanks for listening.

[livednlearned]

I also prepared for my divorce behind N/BPDxh's back. Even when he targeted me with crazy eyes and abuse during all-night ragers, I still managed to feel guilty.

I couldn't see it then, but I was rescuing my child, and that all but erased any guilt I feel. I put my son first. I rescued him. And the change in him is profound. Once you start asking yourself, What does it mean to raise an emotionally healthy child? it helps you make good decisions. Not to say that the guilt goes away, just that it matters less.

You're doing the right thing. Your son is young enough that he'll have a fighting chance to make it through childhood intact.

Good luck to you 

LnL

[csswift]

Well tomorrow is the big day. I go to talk with the lawyer. I am very nervous.