22 yr old daughter

[trisha733]

She's either angry or unbelievably needy.  She's 22 and is now "stressed out" planning to return to school w/ course selections, etc.

She had to take a medical leave of absence last sememster (culminating w/ an hysterical breakup w/ first boyfriend).  She's been in therapy since Jan, but now she keeps ordering me around about stuff she should be doing herself.  I can't imagine that she is in any position to return to college, but if I go down that road at all she gets explosive.  Her counselor and doctors have not given her the label "BPD" b/c she would really freak out.  Since I suffer from depression (the worst of it, after she was born) she blames me for the reason she is so messed up" I have a 22 yr old going on 2 who says the opposite to everything I say.  Even if she originally asked for the answer.  I'm worn out, dreading my return home everyday.  Is it bad to wish she would go back to school, just so I could get some relief?  She goes to a very expensive private college and the thought of that money going down the drain if she freaks out again is worrisome to say the least.  I can't even suggest a local college, but I am the one she calls when she need "MOMMY" to fix it.  Oh my... .    I do go to my therapist 1/wk, but I'm still acting the victim, I know I am.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

  !  I remember your post from the newbie board last night!  Just wanted to say glad you are over here with us moms and dads, and grandparents!  There is so much support here, and so much empathy!  Oh, and something I didn't mention last night.  I went to my own doctor and asked for something to help me with the stress and anxiety of this.  She put me on Effexor.  I have to admit, it does help some.

[jellibeans]

Welcome trisha

Have you asked her therapist if he/she thinks she is ready to return to school? I know it is hard to be optimistic when our kids seem to repeat themselves and their patterns. Maybe if she didn't take a full course load it would not be as stressful and she could take on a part time job to help fund her way. Maybe once she is contributing to her education financially she will be more mindful and maybe mature a bit. Something pwBPD all need.

Have you had a chance to read any of the articles on this site? Setting boundaries is important. Have you read any books about BPD? Seems like you are still walking on eggshells around her. If a local college is a better solution then you need to have that conversation with her. I do think having her back in school is a good step and one that should be encouraged... .   it is good to see her have goals etc... .   time to take a deep breathe... .   step back and try to take the emotions out of your situation... .   figure out what you are willing to do to help her... .   at 22 she should be the one driving the bus so let her figure it out and that includes how she is going to pay for it. Seems like she is taking a lot for granted. 

[JKN77]

Welcome Trisha,

I have been off site for a while and just read your post and wanted to welcome you aboard and let you know how sorry I am for what you are going through. Sometimes our kids can be very exasperating and although not many people have responded to your post, we can all identify with what you are going through.

The only suggestion I can offer is, if she goes and fails, or quits, or whatever, I would at that time (or maybe even now before she leaves) make it very clear that if she quits and desires to go back at some future time, it will be to a more affordable collage; she has been given several opportunities at this college, and after several attempts, this is not going to be an option any longer unless she can come up with the money herself.

As for wanting her to go back to college to get some peace in you home again. We all get that too. I think these feelings come with the territory. We love our kids and want the best for them, but fact is, our lives are much less stressfull when they are not living in our homes.

Come back and let us know how things are working out for you.

[Eclaire5]

I hear you Trisha... .   my 20 y/o daughter sounds very much like yours. I have a stressful job (although I do love it), and come home tired every evening, but I am ok with that as long as I don't have to put up with her drama. Our kids are so good at blowing everything out of proportion, and easily blame us for everything that goes wrong in their lives. At times I can cope pretty good by trying to emotionally disconnect from her ranting and confrontations, but other times it can be very overwhelming to the point that I just end up crying in my bedroom asking myself where I went wrong. Then I kick myself in the behind, get up, strap my boots and think that tomorrow will be another day and hopefully it will be better. JK gave you very good advice, keeping clear limits with them is key, and if you don't let her suffer the consequences of her acts she will never learn. Just put on your seatbelt and hold tight for the ride because you know how it goes when we try to set limits: they throw major temper tantrums!

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Trisha, welcome to this board!



So sorry this is such a stressful time for you.  

It is natural to feel like a victim and wanting some relief, when your home has been transformed into a war-zone... .  

What are some of the things you can be doing to take some time off for yourself to help relieve the stress?

With your d22 asking questions and contradicting you: It sometimes helps to ask them a question in turn, instead of giving an answer that they will reject. It stimulates their thinking, makes them feel more competent, and puts the responsibility back where it belongs - to them.

An example to a question "what should I do?" might be: "What do you think would be a good solution?", "What have you considered so far?" "Good question, what do you think would work?" etc.

Are you worried about wasting your money for your d's college, or her not being able to repay a debt in the future?

[lbjnltx]

With your d22 asking questions and contradicting you: It sometimes helps to ask them a question in turn, instead of giving an answer that they will reject. It stimulates their thinking, makes them feel more competent, and puts the responsibility back where it belongs - to them.

An example to a question "what should I do?" might be: "What do you think would be a good solution?", "What have you considered so far?" "Good question, what do you think would work?" etc.

[jellibeans]

Trisha

Here is a part of an article and an example of how they would deal with yur problem... .  

A 20-year old woman who has had multiple psychiatric hospitalizations recently and has been unable to hold down any employment decides that she wants to return to college full time. She asks her parents to help pay tuition. The parents who watch their daughter spend most of her day in bed are skeptical that she will be able to remain in school for an entire semester and pass her courses. The tuition payments represent great financial hardship for them. Nonetheless, they agree to support the plan because they do not want to believe she is as dysfunctional as she behaves and they know their daughter will become enraged if they do not. They have given a dangerous “You can do it” message. Furthermore, they have demonstrated to her that displays of anger can control her parents’ choices. A more realistic plan would be for the daughter to take one course at a time to prove that she can do it, and then return to school full time only after she has demonstrated the ability to maintain such a commitment despite her emotional troubles. In this plan, she faces a natural consequence for her recent low functioning. The plan calls upon her to take responsibility in order to obtain a privilege she desires

just read this and thought of you... .   how is it going?

[trisha733]

thank you for the words of support.  I left my husband in charge (he was able to work out of the house for a week) while I took the time off to go to see my family in Florida). I came back from vacation with her feeling sick and very few words for me at all except orders and "its all about you" comments.  So dissappointing.  She had a meltdown while I was gone so naturally we are starting at square 1 again.  My therapist says that when she is most angry with herself, she is most abusive to those who really love her. I'm trying to just "let it go" and continue with a "normal" life. I'm tired of reading books about how to react to her abuse and 'setting limits". I'm trying, I'm really trying.  I know she is not going to be strong enough to go back to school, but the school kept sending out e-mails that she must send the deposit and choose her courses for next semester.  Standard College  Procedure.  That initiated a meltdown, but we went ahead and let her choose courses.  Since she is technically on a 1 yr. medical leave of abcense she can take another semester off.  A bad breakup with the boyfriend sort of brought all of this to light and probably was the reason she finally admitted she needed help.  This boy is a constant obsession with her and since he will be at the school when she goes back, it would be nothing but misery for her. Sorry this is so long.  I'm just so sad thinking that this is the way my life is going to be for who knows how long.

[pessim-optimist]

hi trisha,

so sorry you are having a hard time... .     

It sounds like you are overwhelmed with all the BPD stuff at the moment (your dd, book info etc.).

It's ok to take a break.

On that trip! Are there any other ways you can take your mind off of the problems? Is your dd going to be home through the summer?

I want to make sure I understand: your dd chose classes, so that means she is enrolled into the next semester, but you think that she may withdraw when she sees her ex bf, but that would be ok, because she has a one year medical leave?

Take all the time you need to be sad, it is ok, this illness tends to take a lot from us... .  

Sending you a   and a   .