My son's latest email.

[Kate4queen]

At the moment this is the only form of communication we are allowing since he left our house last year. The reason I think he's so angry is because we haven't been playing his game anymore, we're not jumping, we're not enabling, we're not saving. This email was aimed at me, obviously. He is a very good writer.

This is what I'd like to have said in reply, but I can't say any of it to him at all.

Him

"You won't communicate with me like an adult. Our email correspondence is basically the internet equivalent of you plugging your ears while I shout outside your office. Your cold, litigious attitude and tone in these correspondence is insulting, petulant and extremely inappropriate given my circumstance."

Me: you chose to leave our home and you did it in the most unpleasant way you could think of. We've just taken the emotion out of the emails and kept it to practical, helpful matters so we're not playing that emotional game anymore. You hate it.


"You blatantly ignore my cry for help when I tell you YOUR DISABLED SON is in pain every day and in need of another operation."

Me: (help me! save me! caps to really make me feel like the worst mother in the world) He asked us to pay full price for another surgery... .   the last one brought this break about and he treated us appallingly, we paid for it and then he banned us from speaking to his doctors and from visiting. Yes, like we want to help you with this again. By the way he's almost 22 so not a child or technically our responsibility.


"You are content to leave me to twist in the wind without health insurance."

He refused to use our excellent health insurance from the ages of 16-20 and now it's run out. He knew this 6 months ago, and has applied for medi-cal so he isn't exactly without help.



"You blatantly ignore my humble request to see my sister whom I love and miss."

Not true, we offered to let him see her with his brother just not in our house and if she wanted to see him, which has only recently happened. She's scared of him

"You refuse to comment on any of my thoughts on this matter, which have been articulated to you earnestly and respectfully. What exactly would make you care? Are you that frigid? Are you that spiteful? Is what I've done in the past THAT bad, that you look on ambivalent while your disabled son suffers in near poverty, extreme depression, physical complications of disability and emotional turmoil?"

Me: That's being respectful? The moment he hasn't gotten the instant response he needs he's in my face again, and btw, his near poverty? He's currently living with a nice family who don't ask him to pay rent in a nice area, attending community college, has a car we gave him and is being financially supported 100% by us. He's not under a freeway

"I am tempted to ask whether you sleep well at night considering this, but sadly I think you sleep just fine."

Me. Nice

"Looking forward to either no response or a useless, bland reply

Your son,"

No response on this one I think. It still makes me feel sick when he does this because he knows every single button to push to make me feel worthless. At the moment he can't get angry with anyone he lives with or his friends because they wouldn't take it from him so he's back trying to get at us. He needs to feed that anger so that he can make you get angry and defend yourself. That makes him feel better when you feel as bad as he does.

Onward though as my dh reminded me don't engage to enrage.

We need to get through this bad patch, sort out a long term financial settlement with him for the next year and then we're moving a few thousand miles away. I suspect that's what is at the root of all this anger, his fear. I know it, and I understand it but it still makes me terribly sad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[somuchlove]

Wow,  what a tough letter to recieve.  Your responses are probably pretty close to what most of us here are saying inside and hopefully with the education we are recieving we know that their words are not as they seem.  However to them they are.  My dd is always so focused on her feelings and knowone elses.  I am learning to read between the lines and know she is really crying out for my love and support and feels she has no one that cares or vent to.  

Is there not a way you can talk to your son.  I think via email or texting the true emtions of what is being said is lost.  Sometimes that is good and bad.

Perhas you can take time to respond in a way that will validate his feelings, perhaps open some doors for the both of you and make you feel better.  I know it hurts.  When I feel I have take careful thought in my response and it works I sure feel better than when I respond the way I use to.  But boy I don't have it down yet and sure get mixed up.

My heart is sad for you.  

[sunshineplease]

K4Q, I feel for you. And I relate.

The problem is they talk/write as if looking for understanding and connection, but it's really all about trying to get their way. Oh, how we yearn for connection. Oh, how they know that and pretend/use that as a weapon to manipulate us. They're trying to get their needs met, but in such a tragic way. It's heartbreaking.

It sounds as if you have great clarity and boundaries, even as you receive emails like this. You see his pain (behind his attempts to induce pain in you), and you sound strong.

Best wishes.

[mggt]

Dear Kate4,  So sorry to hear of your latest news from your ds They know how to push our buttons and push our emotions especially emotions my advice would to sit with it for awhile and discuss with your dh on how or if to respond.  On a happy note are you the one that said you are moving to Hawaii if so ALOHA! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as I know all too well how our children can cut us down in a single word.  

[jellibeans]

kate4

You seem to have it all together... .   you have his number and I think you have done a great job at not engaging him. I have to agree with what another person suggested... .   email is not the way to communicate... .   if you think it would help I think finding another way would be good but I think you are the better judge if it is going to be helpful to anyone involved.

What you can see very clearly is that he is in pain... .   he is projecting that on to you hoping to rid himself of it. Very sad... .   this is where you can see his illness... .   I really don't have any further advise... .   I feel your hurt... .   try to step back... .   I think you have a clear understanding of what he is doing.

Are you really moving to Hawaii? That alone should give you something to visualize and look forward to... .   take me with you!

[Kate4queen]

Thanks everyone, I just needed to share with people who understand everything you can't say.

Yes we are moving to Hawaii, we already have a house there so we're downsizing taking our daughter with us and going for it!

I can't bring myself to look at him yet  so email is the only thing we can handle. He is incredibly charismatic and thinks that if he can see us he'll be able to make us do what he wants. I just can't deal with that and what would happen if he doesn't get what he wants and he could get violent very quickly.

We used to fall over ourselves when he made the slightest to accept responsibility for anything but soon realized he was just manipulating us. We're not playing his game any more and he is terrified.

Currently trying to work out a financial settlement for BPD son (and 2 other sons), which is getting complicated, especially as his anxiety level rises.