If I leave, the long term affects.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Both of my kids are adults.  They want me to get away from their dad.  They also want to be "no contact" with him.  They're even considering changing their last name to cut all ties with him.

About 2 years ago, one of my sons told me that when he has children, he wants me to be in his children's lives but he doesn't want H to EVER be around his kids.  Son said that he doesn't want H to even know when he gets married, when he has kids, etc.  This son is graduating from college in 2 weeks and H is not invited to the ceremony (and can't be told when/where/time, etc).  This son is starting med school in August, and H won't be allowed to attend the White Coat Ceremony which is a big deal where family and friends attend. 

H is already blaming me for these last two issues. 

I know that I shouldn't be concerned, but it bothers me that if I leave then H is going to bad-mouth me to everyone who won't know any better that I'm the reason that he's been cut-off from his kids (and future grandkids).

H blames me that I haven't "done enough" to help the kids reconcile with him.  I can't force adult children to do anything, but H thinks I'm some kind of miracle worker.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Both of my kids are adults.  They want me to get away from their dad.  They also want to be "no contact" with him.  They're even considering changing their last name to cut all ties with him.

About 2 years ago, one of my sons told me that when he has children, he wants me to be in his children's lives but he doesn't want H to EVER be around his kids.  Son said that he doesn't want H to even know when he gets married, when he has kids, etc.  This son is graduating from college in 2 weeks and H is not invited to the ceremony (and can't be told when/where/time, etc).  This son is starting med school in August, and H won't be allowed to attend the White Coat Ceremony which is a big deal where family and friends attend. 

H is already blaming me for these last two issues. 

I know that I shouldn't be concerned, but it bothers me that if I leave then H is going to bad-mouth me to everyone who won't know any better that I'm the reason that he's been cut-off from his kids (and future grandkids).

H blames me that I haven't "done enough" to help the kids reconcile with him.  I can't force adult children to do anything, but H thinks I'm some kind of miracle worker.

[daze]

I'm sorry, that's a rough spot.  No wisdom here, just some commiseration.

Of course, you can't "make" your adult children change their decisions about him.  Wonder what his T would say about that?  One would think it might get his attention and motivate him to get better.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I'm sorry, that's a rough spot.  No wisdom here, just some commiseration.

Of course, you can't "make" your adult children change their decisions about him.  Wonder what his T would say about that?  One would think it might get his attention and motivate him to get better.

It's interesting that you'd ask that.  When H had a falling out with our younger son last August, he expected me (actually demanded) that I get our son to apologize.  First of all, my H was at fault, not my son.  But, even if my son were at fault, I still would not have the power to make him do anything.

When H was in rehab and he told his P the story (filled with half-truths), the P told him that even if H wasn't at fault, as the "adult" he shouldn't have gotten into a big altercation with his son.  His P told him that he should have been the one to keep things cool... .   set the good example.  ()  Obviously, his P didn't know that H has a long history of raging - and certainly is no role-model. 

Anyway, when H came home from rehab, he again reiterated that I need to "force" our son to apologize to him.  Again, I told him that I don't have the power to do so.   

My sister told me that this is one of many examples where H thinks I have some kind of special powers and can control what other adults do (H once ranged at me because friends of ours took their vacation at time that had a negative impact on us.  I wasn't even aware that the couple had left on vacation until after they had left.  I had no idea that they even had vacation plans (this wasn't summer).  H insisted that I should have "known" and that I should have "stopped" them.   

Years ago, H raged at me because his married sister wasn't going to attend a BBQ.  H felt that I should have "made" her attend.  A week later, he raged at me (again) about the same issue, and this time included raging at his sister, and her husband (who then ordered him to leave their home). 


Of course, this was before I knew that H has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old.  I guess with that maturity age, a pwBPD does think that the "adult" in their lfe has "special powers."   Today I was in a T's waiting room, and a very little boy wanted the internet for his iPad.  His mom said that there wasn't any in the waiting room.  (amazing that a very little boy knows about the internet. )  Anyway, the little boy "demanded" that his mom "find" him some internet so that he could play his iPad game.    The incident struck me because it was that same kind of very young child expectation (mommy, fix this, you can fix this, mommy you can make this right, mommy you can do anything, etc, etc.)


But getting back to your question:  About 2 months ago when H was still yelling at me for not "forcing" our son to apologize, I told him that if he could get "in writing" a signed note from his T stating that it was even possible (or even appropriate) for me to force another adult to apologize, then I would do it.  H went to his T, when he returned I asked him if he got the note.  His response:  My T is too busy for me to wasting her time asking for that.      Either his T shot down his request or he realized that she wouldn't go along with it and so he never asked.   My sister assures me that a T would have told him that I can't force someone to apologize. 

[daze]

If he's the emotional age of a 2 year old, then I guess you are the all-powerful mommy.  That would be difficult.  It would be nice if he would actually talk with T about it, but what can you do?  You're not the all-powerful mommy.  Lol.

Maybe you could point out the way you can make him talk with T about it, you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

Maybe you could point out the way you can't make him talk with T about it, you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do

ha ha... .   so true!  But I know that if I used that logical argument, he wouldn't admit that the point was valid (and that's only if he let me actually make the point.)

Now I realize that something that he's often said during our marriage is related to all of this "all powerful" image:  At various times when I've been resourceful and have found solutions to difficult or challenging situations (such as getting a "stuck kitty" out of a very tall tree, or other putting togethe an amazing vacation), H would say, "that's why I married you, you can do all these things."

I used to just think it was a compliment, but now I realize how odd the statement is.  We marry for love, right?  We don't marry someone because he/she is resourceful or can get things done. 

[daze]

I used to just think it was a compliment, but now I realize how odd the statement is.  We marry for love, right?  We don't marry someone because he/she is resourceful or can get things done.  

I don't know - that might just be one of the things he loves about you.  I can see where problem solving ability - intelligence, creativity, and good communication skills - is a very attractive attribute!

Last week when my uBPDh and I were getting along very well, I told him he's the person I'd want with me during a zombie apocalypse.  Can you tell I watch Walking Dead with my teen sons?   It made him smile and it's true.  He's a big smart handy person who knows how to do a lot of things.  He could survive!  

I'm sure he loves you and your problem-solving abilities are just one of many things he loves and values about you.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I used to just think it was a compliment, but now I realize how odd the statement is.  We marry for love, right?  We don't marry someone because he/she is resourceful or can get things done.  

I don't know - that might just be one of the things he loves about you.  I can see where problem solving ability - intelligence, creativity, and good communication skills - is a very attractive attribute!

Last week when my uBPDh and I were getting along very well, I told him he's the person I'd want with me during a zombie apocalypse.  Can you tell I watch Walking Dead with my teen sons?   It made him smile and it's true.  He's a big smart handy person who knows how to do a lot of things.  He could survive!  

I'm sure he loves you and your problem-solving abilities are just one of many things he loves and values about you.

What I meant is that he ONLY says reasons that are rather self-serving.  This is a person who can do things for me.  She can do things I can't, etc.  In other words, I could be a "parent" for him. 

most people will say things like, "I enjoy being around X.  X makes me laugh.  We always have a great time together.  I love X because s/he is a beautiful person - inside and out.  We can have long conversations.  etc etc

In reality, he married me because he wanted to be taken care of.  Even now he says that if the marriage ends, he's going to "quickly find some young hot career woman who'll clean my place and cook for me."    My sister laughs at this because young career women today won't likely do that, and as a middle-aged alcoholic, he's not likely going to attract many young desirable singles.

As an aside:  I have recently found out that he has a huge crush on his T.  His T is a marshmallow whose therapy method is very "assuring" and "supportive" and NEVER confrontive.  In H's mind, she's the perfect woman.   

[daze]

In reality, he married me because he wanted to be taken care of.  Even now he says that if the marriage ends, he's going to "quickly find some young hot career woman who'll clean my place and cook for me."    My sister laughs at this because young career women today won't likely do that, and as a middle-aged alcoholic, he's not likely going to attract many young desirable singles.

Are you sure he's not delusional in addition to BPD?    Your sister is right that young hot career women will not be interested in him.

As an aside:  I have recently found out that he has a huge crush on his T.  His T is a marshmallow whose therapy method is very "assuring" and "supportive" and NEVER confrontive.  In H's mind, she's the perfect woman.

Crush on the therapist - I guess that happens fairly frequently.  Brother!

Sorry, Sadwife!   

[SadWifeofBPD]

In reality, he married me because he wanted to be taken care of.  Even now he says that if the marriage ends, he's going to "quickly find some young hot career woman who'll clean my place and cook for me."    My sister laughs at this because young career women today won't likely do that, and as a middle-aged alcoholic, he's not likely going to attract many young desirable singles.

Are you sure he's not delusional in addition to BPD?    Your sister is right that young hot career women will not be interested in him.

As an aside:  I have recently found out that he has a huge crush on his T.  His T is a marshmallow whose therapy method is very "assuring" and "supportive" and NEVER confrontive.  In H's mind, she's the perfect woman.

Crush on the therapist - I guess that happens fairly frequently.  Brother!

Sorry, Sadwife!   

Yes, he is delusional.  I'm not kidding.  And, it's gotten worse with the drinking.  My kids and I have noticed that he doesn't have a "true image" of himself.  He thinks he's some super athlete.  For the last year he has said numerous times that he could have been a pro baseball player, a NFL ref, or a stunt person. 

I think the crush on is therapist is tied to his feelings that she's very nurturing.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Another aspect where he's become VERY delusional is sexually.

On a near-daily basis, he was having some kind of ED issue, largely because of the booze, Adderall or anti-depression meds.  However, he seemed to "forget" that the next day and then blame me that we hadn't had sex lately.  The fact that he had had ED issues for the previous weeks/months seemed to escape him.

So, this delusion extends into how he thinks he'll be in a future relationship.     Of course, he insists that his alcoholism and depression issues will magically disappear by being away from me.  And, his crazy family also thinks this. 

He insists that he's going to soon stop taking his depression meds because he thinks he won't need them anymore.  The problem is that the type he's on cannot just be stopped suddenly. In the past when he's not taken them for a few days he's completely exploded and become suicidal. 

[Surnia]

SadWife

Reading your posts its so much about him!

Who are you? Where are you in life without him?

[SadWifeofBPD]

SadWife

Reading your posts its so much about him!

Who are you? Where are you in life without him?

I am running my business.  I am taking a class that supports a new business that I'm starting.  I'm seeing a T.   I'm taking care of the household, pets, etc.

[Surnia]

This is a lof going on, sounds good.   

How do you feel with it?

[SadWifeofBPD]

This is a lof going on, sounds good.   

How do you feel with it?

I feel fine about it. My current business is doing well. My class is going well.  My T thinks I'm doing ok, but knows that it does bother me that H has been so dishonest about me to others.