Can anyone provide insight?

[ComoLu]

In mid-Feb., my ustbxH and I had our final court hearing for our divorce.  I wanted him to buy me out of our mortgage.  He pleaded poverty and asked the judge to keep me involved in the sales process because of his limited resources. 

The judge decided to keep me involved with the sale based in large part on the limited liquidity of my x's resources and the minimal amount of liquid funds available to my x.

The divorce became final on Mar. 25.  Fast forward to this afternoon.  My attorney sent me an offer from my x.  He wants to buy me out of the mortgage for nearly the same amount that I asked for in Feb.  If I take the money, he will refinance this summer, and I will be out of the decision making process as soon as I accept the money.  My x will take responsibility for everything involving the house and the sale as of May 2.

The offer sounds good, but I am suspicious.  He has done everything he can to squeeze every nickel he can out of me to this point.  He would spend extra money to do something to avoid giving me even a penny more.  He also pleaded poverty in court.  I have no idea where he came up with this money, or why he is suddenly being so generous.

Am I being paranoid?  What happened?  Can anyone offer me some insight or guidance? 

[Matt]

If he made the offer in writing, and you and your lawyer have both read it carefully, and if you think it's a good one, just take it, and don't worry about where he got the money.

But be careful and think about what could go wrong, and make sure you aren't at risk of any non-performance on his part.  If there is a way he could manipulate the situation or fail to do what he's supposed to, put in something to make that work out OK for you.

[ComoLu]

Matt,

Thanks for the advice.  I forgot to mention that I believe that he is BPD with narcissistic and paranoid tendencies.  I hope to discuss with my lawyer tomorrow.

He got by with lying to the court about his physical address.  I believe he may have also gotten by without actually accounting for all of his income.  He has gotten more arrogant probably because he feels that these successful deceptions are victories of some sort and that no one will challenge or control him now.  He also has power of attorney over his mother's finances.  She is dying and senile or demented.  This is why I worry about where the money is coming from. 

With the house, he has refused to take action or accept much responsibility except when I have demanded it even with decision making.  After nearly a year of this, I don't understand why he would be generous and agree to take full responsibility.  Something has to be up, but I don't know what.  I am afraid that I am falling into some kind of trap.

[livednlearned]

My ex has BPD, n traits, and paranoia too. We are in the process of refinancing our house and getting me off the deed.

I highly recommend talking to a real estate attorney. Don't rely on your family law attorney. Right before I was about to sign documents, I decided to get a real estate attorney (it's a lot of money, much can go wrong) and discovered all kinds of ways N/BPDx could screw me. He seemed to think that he was responsible for the mortgage, but not the home equity, so now we're moving through mud to make sure he is solely responsible for that too (he drafted the home equity up to the $40K limit after the divorce). I have a good family law attorney, but real estate is not her specialty.

It makes a difference. Call up a real estate attorney and ask for counsel. Explain that your ex is mentally ill and high-conflict, and that you need someone who can be very vigilant about all the ways something can go wrong.

[GaGrl]

There are all sorts of issues that can come up with the real estate.  Be very careful about signing a quit claim before he has financing and proves it to you.  A quit claim does NOT absolve you of responsibility for the mortgage.  My DH's issue with the quit claim was that, while his ex paid the mortgage with no problem, she didn't file the quit claim at the county courthouse, we DH was still getting property tax bills in his name 4-5 years later.

[ComoLu]

Thanks for the advice.  I have an estate attorney.  I will check with him first and let you know.

[ComoLu]

Can anyone explain why my x had this sudden change of heart?  He is still being a tightwad in some ways - he wants me to pay a couple of hundred dollars for lawn care, etc. - while he is offering a fairly generous buy out.  He has not been at all generous up to this point.

He certainly has been delusional.  He recently had the locks changed because someone was getting into the house, but he believes that if he doesn't have a key, the realtor will be financially responsible for damages (he said this in email to me).  I told him to read the contract, but he still refuses to get a key.

I am so confused.

[ForeverDad]

He also has power of attorney over his mother's finances.  She is dying and senile or demented.  This is why I worry about where the money is coming from. 

With the house, he has refused to take action or accept much responsibility except when I have demanded it even with decision making.  After nearly a year of this, I don't understand why he would be generous and agree to take full responsibility.  Something has to be up, but I don't know what.  I am afraid that I am falling into some kind of trap.

A lot of disordered people know how to do a lot of nasty stuff and yet still skate just below the level of action or consequences by agencies and courts.  Real slippery.  I too think there's a real risk he either hid assets during the divorce or could be misusing his mother's money.  If the latter, he could face fiduciary consequences and you don't want to share or suffer any of his consequences.  As I understand it, states have clawback rights if the state paid for her care when she had assets.  Unless you have firm legal advice otherwise, my impression (not a professional) is that you should not accept this offer without some explanation or documentation how his past claims to be impoverished don't exist any more within a month of the final decree and/or the source of his newfound money.

And, yes, never sign a quit claim deed until all mortgages and liens are paid or refinanced out of your name and liability.

[ComoLu]

You are right ForeverDad.  He has received very minimal consequences for his behavior.  He has done things that should have gotten him fired, had unprotected sex because his vasectomy prevented disease too, lied in court, etc.  We were married for more than 30, and while I suspected, I never caught him cheating or doing other horrible things.  I believe this has made him even more arrogant and exascerbated his BPD symptoms.  He just keeps getting away with it.

I don't want him to take me or our grown children with him when he falls.