question about verbal abuse

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been posting in the Staying board but that may change very soon. uBPDh is in therapy but also in deep denial. He is not improving and I don't know that I can take much more. I tried to talk to him tonight but he was soo ugly! I asked him to leave but he refuses. He controls all the money right now and we have four kids so just packing up and leaving is difficult at best. Does anyone know what legal options I have for possibly forcing him to leave?

For a little info, I have the contact info for his therapists and will be calling them tomorrow. I am also calling the local animal protection agency because I believe he is abusing our dog by keeping it in a small pen all the time except for one or two walks a day and only feeding it one or two cups of food (it's a lab about 6 mths old).

[byasliver]

I've been posting in the Staying board but that may change very soon. uBPDh is in therapy but also in deep denial. He is not improving and I don't know that I can take much more. I tried to talk to him tonight but he was soo ugly! I asked him to leave but he refuses. He controls all the money right now and we have four kids so just packing up and leaving is difficult at best. Does anyone know what legal options I have for possibly forcing him to leave?

For a little info, I have the contact info for his therapists and will be calling them tomorrow. I am also calling the local animal protection agency because I believe he is abusing our dog by keeping it in a small pen all the time except for one or two walks a day and only feeding it one or two cups of food (it's a lab about 6 mths old).

[scraps66]

I have experience with this.  You can file a "Petition for Exclusive Possession of the Marital Residence."  This is how I got kicked out of my house.  But, I think there would have to be a divorce on file to take such action.  It doesn't sounds as if talking is ever going to anything but have you showing him your cards.  So maybe it's time to stop trying.  The money thing, not sure how that would work.  Maybe you could make a massive withdrawal from the bank account to start a nest egg.  My ex tried to spend a lot after I served her.  So that is a means of control with a BP.

I hope you are documenting, maybe recording the abuse if possible?

[byasliver]

I ended up talking to a crisis line person last night and his T this morning. Both expressed great concern about his escalating behavior and encouraged me to call DSS. Today, I did just that. They weren't as helpful as I'd hoped and only gave me two options: leave and file for a divorce or file a report with them - a report they may or may not do anything about! I suspect if I hadn't called that his T was going to or maybe she did. Either way, it's done. I put in a call to Legal Aid per DSS suggestion but haven't heard back. It's Friday so I'm not surprised.

Just going to try to keep a low profile this weekend and maybe take more action on Monday. It's so frustrating that because he hasn't physically harmed me or outright threatened to harm me, the law won't do anything. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Are you sure he hasn't been physical?" I swear, I think the various people who asked were trying to get me to say he had just so they could take more action. But I refuse to lie.

This might sound a bit crazy but I want him to get help BEFORE he physically harms someone else and it certainly seems like he is heading in that direction. I'm not going to be one of those people who stands around after-the-fact saying, "I knew he had problems but I didn't know what to do." I'm reaching out to anyone who'll listen about his issues. And it isn't just for his sake but also for me and the kids. Since the worst of his behavior is around and towards us, I fear we might be the first he'd try to physically harm. I don't fear that in the near future but it's coming if he doesn't get help. Right now he still has enough "rational" thought to know that if he even just grabbed my arm and left a bruise he'd be screwed. He also knows and has taunted me with the fact that verbal abuse is difficult to prove.

I couldn't get to my phone to make a recording last night but am keeping it on me now. I have an app that discretely records conversations. I also checked the laws in my state and it's legal for me to record conversations with him without his consent.

[Althea]

may I please know the APP name?  Thanks and good luck with your hubby.  Be safe.

[byasliver]

Smart Voice Recorder

It shows on your phone but if your pwBPD is used to you being on your phone frequently (mine is) they won't notice you tapping the app to start it. It doesn't make any noise and continues to record even if you lock the screen.

[Althea]

perfect.  Thank you.

[momtara]

You can get a temporary restraining order, depending on the laws in your state, and then he will have to leave.  This will have some ramifications (you'll both have to go to court and you'll have to prove your case), and it depends (again) on whether your state sees harassment as a reason to leave, or only physical abuse... .   it has to be based on an incident or recent incidents.  Keep a journal, tape recordings, etc.  Lots of lawyers give free phone consults, so you can ask them about it.  But remember, it's your life, and it's easy for anyone to advise you.  Only you have an idea of how this can escalate. 

If you call animal services, will the dog get taken away?  He may be pretty upset about that. 

[byasliver]

Unfortunately DSS here apparently doesn't consider lots of yelling, name calling and insults to be abuse. Just got the call that they aren't going to do anything.